I could think about apologizing for yesterday's rant but then again I was really holding back the feelings and thoughts that were traveling through my mind. I could have gone to the wish that the plague of the first born be visited upon the Earth again as it was in Moses' time, for I could withstand it twice and not be affected. But these are just random furious thoughts that I don't really wish but only wish that I was not having these dreadful feelings in such a dramatic fashion again. Yes I am feeling sorry for myself and my husband and my kids but sometimes I think I am only doing what I have to to survive. This is my way for now. You might think that I am wrong and weak. You might also think that I am a bit crazy and livid. You are no different than I except that I know I am all of those things.
Answer me this question:
If God brought the plague of the first born of Egypt to punish them for their evilness and iniquities, their not setting the Jews free, how can I not consider this a punishment for something I have done? How are you suppose to look at this as a test, as some might have said, as a trial , others have mentioned, and the best one is because He loves me? He loves me as the pharaoh of old........................... hah
3 1/2 years and yet, it hurts like yesterday.
2 comments:
Sure thinking of you....I know it hurts really bad to see other kids doing what your son would be doing. Just know that we love you!
So, I'm a little late to the bandwagon, but after seeing the Hunger Games a few weeks ago I started reading the books. Have you read them? The main character's father dies when she is 11. Her mom checked out of life emotionally. The daughter is then faced with having to provide for her younger sister and mother and she resents it. By the end of the 3rd book, the daughter comes full circle. She lives the nightmare that grief brings herself. It's quite an extraordinary tale. I'm still processing the relationships and many messages, especially those in relation to emotional strength.
Anyway, I don't think that God has cursed you. Grief is a test, a trial, and an opportunity for growth. And really, the good that may come out of all of those reasons doesn't take away the pain of losing a child.
Did I ever tell you that I work on smiling? Yeah...it's a conscious decision that I think about daily and remind myself to do. All day long. Well, only a few times a day. But still...you're not alone.
Have you seen any of the Generations Project episodes? This one was particularly touching about a woman living in a leper colony who lost her 5 children. She had to give them up when they were a year old..http://byutv.org/watch/7150f6ab-5037-4d52-8893-7c21d50fe10d/the-generations-project-maile
Also have you heard of Natalie Norton? She's a blogger and lost her youngest son a couple years ago. http://byutv.org/watch/a4b2acab-163e-4ca7-94a8-b21a78c21c29
I think about doing my own Generations Project. Connecting to your roots gives strength.
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