BaHumbug

I am having a hard time with the Christmas Card thingy this year. I don't want to send them. I hate having to think about whether to include Loughlin & Rhiannon in the photos, the letter. I hate pretending like "It's a wonderful life". I have no angel and the world probably would have been just fine without me in it. I struggle through the letters I get. Can people's lives really be so rosy? I know what you all are saying........That I am still bitter, well I am. That I seem down, well I am. That I seem tired of this life, well I am. That I am missing Loughlin more today than yesterday and more that day than the day before. I was told this would get easier, it isn't. I dream about waking up and seeing Rhiannnon laying next to me cold more today that I did 10 years ago. And as the days go on Loughlin is on my mind constantly, as I drive by his headstone, or down our hill, or by Nyssa High School which is daily or more than daily, and I am consumed with guilt and anger and just this unbelievable sense of loneliness. Don't tell me that there is love all around me, it will never feel the void left by these great spirits that touched my life for such a short time. After I lost Rhiannnon, I had a very horrible out look on life. I never expected much for I had never been given much to look forward to. It's not always a bad thing not to have hope. If it isn't there you are rarely disappointed but one morning in September this new, wow came into my life. He restored my hope in this world. Do you understand that he was my life, he was my light, he filled a lot of that hole left by Rhiannon. He loved me unconditionally. He thought I was it for so much of his life. He was my hope. It was wrong to put so much on such a young boy but he fulfilled it. Then 15 years later that hope was once again ripped from my life. The hope is gone. That hope is gone. Where do I find my hope now? I don't want to know about missions and college and weddings. I don't want to know how happy your life is. How God has blessed you. I can't sleep again and it is hard to keep up the happy face when I am exhausted.