Definition of Insanity

I once heard that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. I feel like I am in this room sometimes and at other times I wish I were in this room. It seems I take enough pills at night that it could and should take the place of my dinner. I take a pill to cure me of one symptom that affects me in another way so I take a pill that gets rid of that symptom and so on and so on. I am sick more than I am healthy. I am 4+ years into this trauma and 24+ years away from the other. I am tired. I am not sleeping again. 3 days and only 6 hrs of sleep total. I lay in my bed and stare at the ceiling wondering how I got here, when will this get better or will it? The grief gnawing at my soul, my heart sometimes making it so raw that I wonder how I will be a wife, a mom. I feel so exhausted, and now the Holidays are upon us. I still feel it is so hard to make these days cheery and bright. I am probably causing irreparable harm to my children, then the guilt engulfs me like a tidal wave crashing down on a unsuspecting sun bather.I am sure everyone can see this cycle that I am stuck in. It's like being forced on the Rock-O-Plane and each time it comes around you think it's your turn to get off but the Carnie laughs and makes you stay on. It's nauseating. It is a gut wrenching pain to watch your kids grow up . True is a Freshman now, what Loughlin was when he died.The panic is back again . What if it happens again?