I have talked so many times about the difficulty of moving on but keeping one foot behind in the life that I loved. Well big things are happening in our family right now, and I believe I have no way of living in the past. All the kids are growing up around me and I feel as though the past 3 years were a blur. For instance, Cyrus will be a senior this year. Next year he will be leaving for college. This is it. This is the last year he will be constantly in our family. He is utilized in so many ways here, I don't know how we will function without him. True, well True is now 14. He is close if not over 6ft tall. He no longer looks like a kid. He is growing up so fast in front of me and I just want to make time stop and let me enjoy these years longer. Maya is 12 and left for girls camp on Tuesday. She has never been away from home for more than one night. I had to just drop her off Tuesday morning fast because I knew I was going to cry and so was she. Giles and Lea are 10 and 8. Giles thinks about paintballing and airsoft gunning constantly. Lea is so hyper that taking her to town is a chore.Where has the time gone?
The biggest news of all is that we are building on to our house. The foundation is poured, so there is no turning back. We are building on more sq footage than we are in right now. I am excited. It will be a new corner we have turned in this complicated life, a new outlook, but most of all more room. We have been squished, smashed, squashed into , as a friend once called it, a crackerbox on the hill, one bathroom, 3 rooms and most of the time 8 of us. About 10 years ago we put in the most wonderful kitchen, so I have been spoiled with the comforts of more cupboards than I still have in use years later. The color is going to be a complete surprise until it is done, but it will be spectacular.
As far as my faith. It comes and goes like the wind in Malheur County. I cherish the times when I feel the spirit. It is so much better. The peace it allows in my soul is miraculous. But other times I still feel that this is it, that there is nothing else beyond this life and the darkness overwhelms. I ended his life and now what? I cry out for God to save me from this agony. There are times when the anguish is fleeting and other times when it lasts for weeks. I know a few things for certain. I gave birth to this wonderful boy, who was giving and loving, handsome and smart and then he was ripped from our family. There is no amount of time that will fill the deep crater this has left in our life. Sometimes I am able to turn my back for a moment from this atrocity. It doesn't help when those closest to you think you are a failure at this terrible emotion called grief. I really am doing my best. I am so tired of putting on this happy face when inside I am dying but that is what I continue to do, and that is what I will do forever. However long forever will be.
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