Images

There are some images that are hid in the dark spaces of my mind that if I had the choice, I would never want to bring forward again; some sounds and smells that haunt my very existence.

5 years + after the accident we are still dealing with the insurance company. It has got to a point that a trial was set for January 6 ( my birthday) Garner vs. Garner. What a joke.  The fact is that we had car insurance and farm insurance on the day of the accident and yet the company refused to settle for 5 years. Letters after Letters, requests, Dr. visits, Counselor visits, more letters blaming me for killing my son, more appointments, more attorneys. Yesterday I received a letter from the attorney who is suppose to be my attorney and the insurance company's attorney (funny since we never had the same interest in this case) saying that if we couldn't get along he no longer could be our attorney and the process would begin again. Included in this letter was the knowledge that he didn't want pictures of Loughlin dead in the car be allowed in court. I have to say this is the first time I realized there were such pictures. . . .

These are the images I never want to see in my mind again, although they come, they come with each letter, with each reminder of what I did. Loughlin laying there, cold, blood; Rhiannon laying there cold, blood coming from her nose. I can hear me screaming, I killed my son, I killed my son. They won't let me stay there. They won't let me lay down beside him, just let me hold his hand...let me kiss him...let me say goodbye. don't take me away. I am fine. I want to stay with my babies, with Cyrus, with Maya.......Oh God don't let this be true....

We need some closure. I hope it settles in the next 5 days.... I feel exhausted most of the time. It has clouded our holidays and ruined Cyrus' break from school. If I could do anything I would to take this away from them. I even prayed yesterday, God how long can this ugly reminder go on?

Signs that the gloomy days of the holidays are in full throttle

1) A shower or bath is completely too much work. How many different hats do I own so I don't have to do my hair. How many days can you go before you really smell, I mean really....
2) Black Friday, what a joke, Cyber Monday seems like it could stress the senses.
3) Christmas lights and Christmas songs bring on this feeling like an unreachable itch, a burning lump in my chest. Turn them off, Turn them off!
4) What is the latest date you can put out the worn out Christmas Decorations?
5) A Christmas Poem about how happy our family is, bahahah.
6) A Family Picture, except there will never be a family picture again.
7) Sweats aren't nearly comfortable enough. I need to wear my cuddle duds underneath those ugly gray sweats and the bigger the sweatshirt the better, even if it has BYU printed on it. OUCH!
9) Flip flops are still part of the wardrobe, even if it snows.
10) When sleep used to come easy now I lay in bed and worry about everything from my kids to the nasty smell in the fridge. A diet of coffee and Rockstars is back on the menu, oh and don't forget the advil and anti-depressants.

Coming Home

Our plans for Thanksgiving took a shift when True's football team made the finals in the state playoffs. We were planning a trip to Utah to spend with my side of the family. We don't get down there very often and my parents, especially my mom, have not been in the greatest health. I was looking forward to the change of scenery and it is a halfway point for Cyrus coming from Laramie. I thought it was the perfect plan, but as with every perfect plan a screw was thrown in the machine. Cyrus decided to drive the distance. He was excited to come home and I was worried about him driving 12 hours by himself but so, so, so excited for him to be home again. I miss him everyday. I miss his sarcasm and his intelligence in every conversation. I love the way True and him interact with each other. Each of them brings out the best in the other. Everyone loves Cyrus.

On Tuesday he called at 11 am to say he was heading out. I have never had the feeling of your baby coming home. It was so strange. It was elation, and love and a fullness in my heart that I can't really explain in words. I think in the next 12 hrs, I laughed and I cried and I jumped up and down. He has been gone for just about 3 months. Rhiannon and Loughlin left but I never got this experience and it felt so strange to be happy as he walked through the door. He is leaving in about a half of an hour. I am sure I will cry, but I know now he will be back, in just 3 weeks he will be home again. I hope for the rest of my life he will come home, once in a while just to make his mom smile. I love you, Cyrus and you always make me proud.

Perspective on Death

I attended a funeral last week of my husband's friend from school. He was 45. I have a hard time attending funerals of anyone that has died before their time, my time, my perspective on how long someone should live. I was amazed at the only ones in his large family that had died before him were his grandma and grandpa. Wow. My mom's dad died before I was born and even her step dad when I was a baby. My grandpa died when I was primary age, my dad's dad. My cousin died when I was 18, she was almost 18.

Rhiannon died just a few months later, I was still 18. Harlen's grandma died when he was in high school. His uncle when we were at college. He lost his brother at 33 of a bee sting, Harlen was just 27.

His dad died 3 years later.

My grandma died on the weekend we blessed Maya.

                                       Then in 2008 we lost Loughlin.


Sometimes I judge harshly those around me that say little platitudes on losing my children, but seriously maybe they really have never felt the sting of death. Maybe losing their grandma or grandpa at 90 is the only thing they know. Maybe they really are ignorant. Maybe sympathy is so far from empathy that they are unable to feel this pain. And the biggest maybe isn't a maybe any longer.....This life is not fair. some are given a walk on the yellow brick road while others are asked to  scale Mount Everest.

 Some day we'll know why......But until then I will just ignore stupid things said by ignorant people that have no idea of how losing a child would feel.

The 7 rolls of undeveloped film.

3 days before the anniversary of Loughlin's death, Harlen brought home 7 rolls of undeveloped film he had found tucked away in a box in the food room. 

Every picture is a precious gift,a new memory, a new image for my mind, another proof that we were happy. We were so happy. 

No we weren't perfect but it felt perfect. Our kids were so content. We had so much fun together all of the time. We did everything as a family. 

I cherished every moment, and yet still 5 years later all I can think is why? 

Why couldn't I have just seen that truck? Why did I  have to be so busy that I was blinded by the rush and forgot what was really important. I would give anything to have him back, 

Why didn't God take my worthless soul and leave one so pure on this Earth? 

Harlen could have easily found a replacement for this sorry excuse of a wife and mom, but you will never replace one like Lough..... 

Oh my soul aches to see you, to hold you, to hear your voice. 

I love you so much.

5 Years

This morning marked 5 years since the accident and losing Loughlin. My day started at about 6:30 am but I didn't get up. I just laid quietly in my bed. I heard someone get up but I just laid there in my bed not moving. I was thinking about everything that happened the morning before I hit the truck, the morning that altered our lives forever. I remember being in such a hurry and back then I piled way too much on my own plate. There was a funeral that morning. I was supposed to bring a dessert, someone had a Dr.'s appointment and I was distracted. I am sure my voice was elevated as is one of my many faults. I might have even lost it a couple of times. That was me. I was that kind of mom. I remember at least being on time. Making Loughlin and Cyrus change places, it was Cyrus' turn right or was I being hard on Loughlin. Harlen always told me I was harder on him than the rest. I never meant to be. He was the oldest. He was who everyone looked up to, and he was an incredible example to all his siblings. I feel guilty, horribly guilty for this. I hope he doesn't hate me for ending his life. I hope he knows that if I was harder on him, it was because he was so strong and smart and he was going places, big places. If I had known I would only have 15 years with him, I would have not parented the way I did. I would have slowed down. I would have let him know how proud I was of him everyday. He really never disappointed me. He portrayed strength beyond his years.

At about 7:45 I could take it no more. 5 years ago it would have been over. He would have been gone. I still couldn't find the tears. I have learned to keep these tears inside as much as I can. It was the primary program at church. I had to muster the strength to go to the last place I want to be on this day. Giles and Lea had parts and Lea loves, loves, loves to sing. I broke down though when my phone buzzed and some friends had wrote on Loughlin's wall, " We love and miss you so much" . My strength melted like water on a witch. I started to cry hard/ Everyone around me thought I had been touched. I know this sounds blasphemous but I haven't been touched in years. Oh well maybe I might be taken off the call list. You know the one where the council talks about you and instructs people to call......Maybe you have never been there. Me I have been on there since 5 years ago, except for the fact that most people are scared of me because I am so damn scary and mean to so many people, that I get few assigned phone calls. (Really i don't see myself as mean but as honest, I am totally misunderstood.haha) I finally got up the nerve to tell Harlen I was going home when the program was over. He surprised me and took us all to eat wings. Loughlin loved wings. It was a nice break from the constant thought of losing Loughlin.

On the way home the heaviness came in like the mist on a winter morning. The air disappeared. I found my new best friend,(my headphones), I put them on and locked out the world. I locked out everything that is wrong around me. I locked out the way I feel about myself. I locked out the guilt that quietly haunts me every day. I came home closed my eyes and slept. I slept for hours. I wish I could have just kept sleeping until tomorrow, maybe forever.

Fall Life

"Isn't it beautiful outside?" When she said the words, I thought is it? I haven't noticed. In fact in 5 years I have yet to find anything particularly stunning during these Fall months. Did I use to like the Fall? I can't even remember. Everything now reminds me of the death of my son. The leaves on the ground and the shotguns being fired in the distance take my mind back to the area in my life that I can barely still think about 1821 days later, Loughlin, pheasant and deer hunting, The sun shining in my eyes as I drive my kids to school...Was that the reason I missed that massive Truck staring me down? I don't remember but does it really matter? Remembering that football coach that took Loughlin's position away from him because Loughlin had stayed home from camp to help his dad with the farm, now True deals with this same man. So many mixed emotions are bottled up inside this mind today. Loughlin quit. We never had ever let our kids quit after they had started a sport, but why? what a stupid standard. He was right. I got to spend more time with him. It was actually a blessing but do I thank the ass who made him feel less than adequate, that still feels he should make boys trying their best feel these same feelings? No. I have a hard time looking at him. Cyrus at school exceeding, what an incredible blessing but shouldn't I have two there? September 18th was his 20th birthday. I remember that. I was having a hard time. Cyrus gone, but who can I talk to?,When the person who loves you most tells you that at some point you have to get on with life. Why would you open up to anyone else. doesn't anyone out there feel this pain? The pain that crushes my heart at each morning prayer, that we will be safe. What is safe? If heaven is a better place wouldn't it in all likelihood be better for all of us to be dead and gone, safe, happy? The cliches' about losing a child are mind numbing, nauseating, none of which are true. I really hate this life without my two children but Loughlin's loss is fresh. Rhiannon's seems a lifetime ago, when being an unwed mother was a scarlet letter seared to your chest, so to talk about a child out of such a scandal would be blasphemy. So I never talked. I just shoved it down deep in my soul, never to see the light, never to be heard of again. There is no room left to shove the pain of losing Loughlin. The holes are all full. Where would you like me to put this pain if I can not show it, talk about it? Did you see me driving down the road, alone in my van, screaming my angst to the world? I looked crazy I know but when have I ever cared how I looked or what you thought? I heard the story of the deal making mama again the other day. My hell if it were that easy don't you think we would have all made a deal with God?
Protect my kids and I will teach them to walk in your light. And yet the darkness you have bestowed on my heart I no longer can see your light. Sometimes there is a beacon in the distance but the tumultuous waves that keep engulfing every part of my being hide the light from me. The cold and dark waters do not allow me to see or feel the light. I grow so weary. If not for these beautiful children that look to me for their every need, I would fall down upon my knees, ask to be smited, asked to be freed from this misery. So is it beautiful out there? Today might not be the day to ask...........

Loughlin's 20th Birthday

Happy Birthday my Son!

20 years ago today Loughlin came into our lives. He was born with a fighting, never give up spirit that carried him through his short but memorable life. 

At 6 weeks of age he came down with pneumonia and I thought I was going to lose him too. 

Sometimes I wonder if my prayers gave me the extra 15 years that he got to spend with us. Other times I wonder if there is a God at all, for if there were a God He had to know how much I loved my son and how this would alter this happy family. 

                       

I miss you Loughlin...every moment of every day...

We have changed so much through these 5 years. 

Leaving Cyrus at Wyoming

Cyrus is in his first term at the University of Wyoming. I miss him. Having him around is like non-stop entertainment and stimulating conversation for me. 

New Room

Text and Email just hasn't been able to replace it. He loves it and I want so much for him to succeed. 12 hours is a long ways to drive. I can't just jump in the van and go and see him. 

We are new Cowboy fans though.

Last year showing together

True is a Sophomore in high school. He has grown to a whopping 6ft. 2 in. tall.He is really smart also.

 Last year he missed 31 days of school and yet still pulled a 4.0. He loves football and baseball and exceeds in both. He isn't the happy go lucky kid he use to be though.

Maya is in 8th grade playing volleyball and working hard at keeping up her grades. 

She reminds of Cyrus in 8th grade. She is the first one up and she does homework into the wee hours. She is so very sweet and kind.

Giles started middle school this year. He is playing two leagues of football because they bumped him up to Middle School ball because of his size and yet he still wants to play with his friends. 

He still loves to sit by his mom and read all kinds of books.

Lea is my baby and in 4th grade. She is full of energy and still sings her heart out. She writes me love notes all of the time and always gives me hugs. She is that 1 in a 1000 lottery win. She keeps me going when I think I can do no more. 

I could cry everyday....

I could cry everyday. I could find a reason to cry each and every day. I could look at my children and dream of what should have been. I could cry myself to sleep at night and then again wake up crying. I think some out there in the big bad world assume I do just that. I don't cry all the time, in fact I try not to cry. I especially try not to cry in front of anyone else, not even my family. I don't want to appear weak, I am. I want to seem strong, I'm not.
It seems relative, this life. I use to cry when I dropped my babies off for the first day of school, before losing Loughlin but really what is 8 hrs without your kids when you are looking at a lifetime without them. I dropped Lea and Giles off this morning for their first day. They were so excited and happy. Who am I to be sad.....

But Wednesday morning I will be leaving Cyrus at UW. That isn't 8 hrs. I know it is time in my mind but my heart cries out for more. He is the dream kid. He is nice and respectful. He is acts a little bit like me, He is the only one that will watch scary movies with me. LOL He likes Dylan and Clapton along with his stuff. I am going to miss him terribly but I am so happy for him to get out of this place, for him to start new, for him to have the chance to see that the church is different every where you go and most place you are not rewarded for being the wealthiest in town, and really they might find the time for you. So I am so happy for him. He is so smart and I know he will accomplish exactly what he sets his mind to do.

Summer Break ???????

I haven't been on here too much lately but the end of school and since has been hectic to say the least. I am coaching Maya & Lea in Softball, Harlen is coaching True in Babe Ruth and Giles is also playing Minors. We have practice almost every M-W-F and Games T-Th and True plays on Saturday doubleheaders. Cyrus fills in as Giles ride and guardian on game days a long with usually 3 of his friends. (What a great big brother) I am extremely exhausted but I love every minute of it. I can't imagine missing a single moment of my kids' life. The worst part is we all play T-Th and I have only been able to watch Giles play once and that is only because time schedules and location worked out perfectly. He feels jipped and I understand. Next year hopefully the games come up on different days. Tomorrow we leave for a bull trip to California, all of us, down and back in two days. Next Sunday True goes to BYU football camp and Cyrus and the rest of the family head to University of Wyoming for Orientation. Cyrus leaving the nest is getting close. I can't and won't talk much about it. If I do the tears flow and I feel like an emotional wreck. On top of all of that I feel lousy, health wise. I am tired all of the time and my stomach is a mess almost everyday. I can't remember the last time I ate solid food and felt well. I know seeing a doctor would be smart but in my case I am sure it is stress and emotions and just life!

Graduation Day

Cyrus May 2013

I know I am slow on this post but this is my Cyrus. He just graduated with honors from Nyssa High School. He is headed to the University of Wyoming in August to major in Petroleum Engineering.

Receiving his diploma!

Cyrus & his car!

 He is certainly on my hero list. He has lived through this trial and has come out on top. He took 16 credit hours of college classes this year including math 111,112,113 and Calculus, Physics, College Writing and still held his grade point average at a 3.7. He did it with his family encouraging him along the way.

He did it when all those looking on thought he couldn't.

Graduation Party with Spencer, Brandon & Cyrus

He did it with his guardian angel urging him on and even though he will be 10 and 1/2 hours away from his mom I couldn't be more proud. I love you Cyrus!!!!

Some weaks (weeks) seem so hard......

It is funny how you can take an ordinary day in my house and by the end of the night it has become less than stellar. My heart is aching so much this week. There seems to be heartache in access for my babies. I know most would be normal for teenagers, maybe. But you should know that after losing two children watching your kids struggle through what should be a happy time in their life is so difficult. Watching them earn scholarships and awards, only to be squashed by some uncaring ass that seems so little to me in his own life. I really don't understand wanting to bring a child down, hurt them. I know it is too much to ask some just to walk in their shoes for a small while, take the time to know them. Mother's day was Sunday and my heart was aching so much, and then I lost it at True's baseball game yesterday. I sometimes pray for a good man to step up and coach these kids, someone who actually cares if they learn and do good, that treat them like real kids and just care.

Tomorrow is Rhiannon's birthday. 25 years ago I gave birth to this beautiful girl. I was alone, a single girl, out of wedlock, ostracized by a very LDS community. I had one wonderful friend who stood by me. I had a teacher who watched out for me and a mom and dad who loved me even though.....rumors swirled how I rolled over and killed this beautiful girl, well I didn't but she died in her sleep anyway. I was willing to give up all of my dreams(for she was my new dream) to take care of this beautiful girl but God ripped her from my arms. He had different plans. It's hard not to wonder what things had been like if she was here with me. It is so hard not to be bitter. REALITY SUCKS. Maybe she is with her brother Loughlin, maybe. It would be nice if it was true. It would allow me to feel some peace. I wish I knew these things like I did before. I miss you baby girl. I wish you were here. I wish you were having my first grand babies. But their are so many wishes I only need a genie in  my life. I love you Rhiannon!

OFFICIAL Israel "IZ" Kamakawiwoʻole - "What A Wonderful World" Video

This is the song my card played. Thank you Giles & Loughlin...

Thank you for seeing my pain

I just want to thank you for seeing my pain yesterday but it wasn't because of Loughlin. I actually had a wonderful morning, breakfast with the family all made by them, great presents and cards and especially one that Giles picked out that played Loughlin's favorite song since Mrs. Johnston played it for him in 1st grade, I think he might have had some heavenly help in choosing it. But it wasn't that that tears at my heart these days. It is something that I can do little to change and yet the problem is on my mind constantly. I want to fix it but it really isn't up to me and it seems the ones that could, have no interest in trying to help. I wish just one would look and see but everyone it seems is so caught up in their own little world that that is as far as their vision will reach. I keep praying and hoping because that is all I have.........

"Gentle"

I needed this today, Sometimes the Guilt & Pain is crushing.....

Loughlin had this on his MP3 player when he died. Not really his style. Harlen said he left it for me. I hope so.

Gripe

How long has it been since I have griped? It seems an eternity. HAHAHA Well here goes....... 
I am a realist. This could be some of the reason I have been having a hard time with faith since losing Loughlin. I want everything to make some sort of sense, I like rules of math and English and if there are rules I feel they should be enforced to everyone the same. When I hear things like, "everyone has trials", I want to see it with my own eyes. When it is said "everything will be made right", I have to wonder how in heaven this pain will be made right. How can the smiles, hugs, graduations, missions, weddings, grandchildren and time ever be made right? How can you get those back? Realist: You can't. People are not tried the same, there is no possible way this could be true. Don't tell me that some trials cannot be seen. If trials are large they are always seen. And then go ahead and tell me to get past Loughlin's death, when every single day is a bitter reminder that he is not here and the suffering of my other children go on and on. But you don't know that because you make assumptions that life is good for us now and that it is only me holding us back. If I was to guess by the way you put together your sentences when you speak ,you should but, that you know no better. Maybe you are speaking in tongues....
So here goes, you want me to apologize to the lady that talked nasty about my son behind his back to another mother. You are worried about her feelings. Well I might be on the rough side of callous, but I was under the impression that adults are adults and they should be able to handle themselves. Would I ask my husband to protect me from some crazy comment about some new larger appendage I decided to add to my body...uuuhh no. Would I cry about how I was treated in high school when I was a married woman with kids...huh no again  And if that was actually true wouldn't I as a girl not treated well in high school think before I spoke behind another teenagers back knowing the consequences... you would think, but that would require a brain. You would think you would want to build these kids up not tear them down, but that must not be the case. And the protection goes to who? Is it because of the name, the money or the prestige?

I would like a full apology to my son and his friend from both husband and wife. The kids are the ones we should worry about. 
These are the reasons kids fall away from the church. Sometimes they are looking for this kind of reason. We should try hard not to hand it to them. And as far as the comment that sometimes my kids don't need my protection.......That is why God put me on this Earth. That is the most important part of my life, my kids. There isn't a time when my protection is unneeded. You would think you would want to protect the kids in this case, the ones that have actually known loss and trials. Funny, the way I always believed my church was, has been turned completely upside down. Christ loved the humble and meek, now we esteem the rich and powerful.... What was that scripture???????????, Matthew 19:24 " And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God."
Really the topper of this is that we lie to pass off some scouts on merit badges when they could not have possibly passed, I ought to know and we ignore others for 4 years...Could it be name, money, love of power???? Just wondering



Ok I feel a bit better now!

Possessions

I love talking about my church classes. It helps me sort through the nonsense and pull the informative insights out of the mundane church social network. Sunday's lesson was on the Law of Consecration, my idea of Socialism on the wings of angels, with everyone actually doing their part and having a strong faith that the law would work and strong faith in God and their Savior.

We were asked to mention a possession we would have a hard time giving up. I racked my brain and really couldn't think of a one I couldn't part with. I mean my wedding ring is beautiful and has many feelings attached to it but I do not need it to know the covenants I made with my hubby. I know he loves me and I love him. So other than that, there is nothing. The things I can't give up are not temporal. My family is the only tangible thing that I would do anything, anything to keep a hold of. You want my house, it's yours. My van, well no one wants my van but you can have it. When you have lost what we have, Loughlin and Rhiannon nothing and I mean nothing has a hold on me. Material things have no meaning........

I swear It isn't Contagious

You would think people would know that losing a child wasn't a contagious disease. You would think that they would know that even though it is so weird for them to be around parents and children who have lost their loved one, it is even harder for us to feel the distance between us. I don't have a lot of the same friends as before the accident. It is just different. They ignore the fact that you had this marvelous young man in your life and in most cases they won't even mention his name. But I am a grown up. I found new friends to fill this void. In fact one friend in particular that has lived this hell and lived to help me through it.

But my kids are another whole story. They are not grown-ups. They can't easily find good friends. They do not understand why people shun them, why they are outcasts, why friends they use to have, have no interest in doing things together. I am on my knees pleading with my Heavenly Father to send an Earthly Angel fast. We need one, just a little happiness, a little fun.

Smells

Aren't smells funny? How they can take you back to a different time in your life? For me it was usually a place where I felt safe.The smell reminds me of all of those warm feelings, happy feelings and I want to escape into that world forever, well I know there are no forever's but for a while, a long while, just enough time so that i can catch my breath and feel free again, a place where I am loved.

Smell # 1 was my grandma's house just after she baked her chocolate chip cookies that I loved so much. Her recipe was different than any other. It was fluffy and sweet with a small amount of chocolate chips. The smell seemed to linger for hours. I could just lay on her living room floor, on my back, looking toward her very tall ceilings, wishing I could stay here forever. It was safe. It was quiet and I knew I was loved.

Smell #2 was my dad's '68 Buick Riviera. I remember the smell like it was yesterday. When the air conditioner came on it produced this musty, dusty odor. I smelt like heaven. I know, how funny a car and heaven, but I remember sneaking out there just so I could steal a smell from the carpet, the seats even when the car wasn't on. There have been smells since that are close but I long to smell that car again. It was so safe there. My home, My car, My family.

Smell "3  I love the fragrance of the farm when it rains just enough to dampen the dirt. The other day when it rained I found myself talking to myself, telling me how it smells like a new start and how I wish I could just stay out here and drink it in forever. Yet the hired man staring at me like I was insane broke the trance and ruined the moment, but I can't wait for another day like that one.

Smell #4 Is there any better smell than that of a newborn baby? Months after Rhiannon died, I would go to her grave because I could smell her smell. I would linger there as long as I could to keep her smell around me. It is the most intoxicating smell in the world. I lost her smell after a time. I quit visiting here grave because I thought if the smell was gone so was she. When Loughlin was born, he brought his own smell with him. I would sit for hours just holding him taking in his fragrance, never wanting to let go, but everyone knows the smell fades with time and each new child brings their own fragrance. I wish I could walk down to his grave and smell is smell again like I could Rhiannon's. I miss them both so much. I loved them so much. Everything is changing all around me and I am caught in this sort of Limbo, a Limbo of my choice. Why would anyone want to move on if it meant leaving your two kids behind.

How Can Things Be So Bitter and So Sweet at the Same Time???

This week has been jammed packed full of family fun. True had so many baseball games. He helped undo a wrong and Cyrus backed him up with a vengeance at school this week, Giles turned 11 and had a great party at our house last night but the biggest of all is that Cyrus went to his first Prom tonight. My heart is so full and that proud momma valve is working overtime. I am so grateful for the incredible kids I was blessed with, how they make such good decisions and stand up for what's right and sound off when it isn't.

Now for the bitter. Birthdays without Loughlin here are so hard. If you could have only known him you would understand. He was so funny and he loved his siblings so much. He would go out of his way to make them, each one of them so special. Baseball was Lough's sport. Man he was so good at it. His eye-hand coordination was unbelievable, He was a finesse player. He was beautiful to watch. But the one thing that is hurting tonight is that Loughlin never got to go out on a date. He never got to experience what Cyrus is tonight. I don't want to take anything away from Cyrus but it just hurts my heart that I missed it all with Lough.

Oh but Cyrus deserves this happiness and wow did he look handsome. He humbles me with his greatness. His smile melts his mom and he can get whatever he wants, True loves baseball and he is a powerhouse player. He stands up against injustices, no matter the cost to himself. Giles he is the sweetest guy. He wants to grow up too fast and be like his brothers. I love these 3 young men so much that sometimes it feels like my heart can hold no more. but it could. I wish everyone could really know them.