5 Years

This morning marked 5 years since the accident and losing Loughlin. My day started at about 6:30 am but I didn't get up. I just laid quietly in my bed. I heard someone get up but I just laid there in my bed not moving. I was thinking about everything that happened the morning before I hit the truck, the morning that altered our lives forever. I remember being in such a hurry and back then I piled way too much on my own plate. There was a funeral that morning. I was supposed to bring a dessert, someone had a Dr.'s appointment and I was distracted. I am sure my voice was elevated as is one of my many faults. I might have even lost it a couple of times. That was me. I was that kind of mom. I remember at least being on time. Making Loughlin and Cyrus change places, it was Cyrus' turn right or was I being hard on Loughlin. Harlen always told me I was harder on him than the rest. I never meant to be. He was the oldest. He was who everyone looked up to, and he was an incredible example to all his siblings. I feel guilty, horribly guilty for this. I hope he doesn't hate me for ending his life. I hope he knows that if I was harder on him, it was because he was so strong and smart and he was going places, big places. If I had known I would only have 15 years with him, I would have not parented the way I did. I would have slowed down. I would have let him know how proud I was of him everyday. He really never disappointed me. He portrayed strength beyond his years.

At about 7:45 I could take it no more. 5 years ago it would have been over. He would have been gone. I still couldn't find the tears. I have learned to keep these tears inside as much as I can. It was the primary program at church. I had to muster the strength to go to the last place I want to be on this day. Giles and Lea had parts and Lea loves, loves, loves to sing. I broke down though when my phone buzzed and some friends had wrote on Loughlin's wall, " We love and miss you so much" . My strength melted like water on a witch. I started to cry hard/ Everyone around me thought I had been touched. I know this sounds blasphemous but I haven't been touched in years. Oh well maybe I might be taken off the call list. You know the one where the council talks about you and instructs people to call......Maybe you have never been there. Me I have been on there since 5 years ago, except for the fact that most people are scared of me because I am so damn scary and mean to so many people, that I get few assigned phone calls. (Really i don't see myself as mean but as honest, I am totally misunderstood.haha) I finally got up the nerve to tell Harlen I was going home when the program was over. He surprised me and took us all to eat wings. Loughlin loved wings. It was a nice break from the constant thought of losing Loughlin.

On the way home the heaviness came in like the mist on a winter morning. The air disappeared. I found my new best friend,(my headphones), I put them on and locked out the world. I locked out everything that is wrong around me. I locked out the way I feel about myself. I locked out the guilt that quietly haunts me every day. I came home closed my eyes and slept. I slept for hours. I wish I could have just kept sleeping until tomorrow, maybe forever.