Fall Life

"Isn't it beautiful outside?" When she said the words, I thought is it? I haven't noticed. In fact in 5 years I have yet to find anything particularly stunning during these Fall months. Did I use to like the Fall? I can't even remember. Everything now reminds me of the death of my son. The leaves on the ground and the shotguns being fired in the distance take my mind back to the area in my life that I can barely still think about 1821 days later, Loughlin, pheasant and deer hunting, The sun shining in my eyes as I drive my kids to school...Was that the reason I missed that massive Truck staring me down? I don't remember but does it really matter? Remembering that football coach that took Loughlin's position away from him because Loughlin had stayed home from camp to help his dad with the farm, now True deals with this same man. So many mixed emotions are bottled up inside this mind today. Loughlin quit. We never had ever let our kids quit after they had started a sport, but why? what a stupid standard. He was right. I got to spend more time with him. It was actually a blessing but do I thank the ass who made him feel less than adequate, that still feels he should make boys trying their best feel these same feelings? No. I have a hard time looking at him. Cyrus at school exceeding, what an incredible blessing but shouldn't I have two there? September 18th was his 20th birthday. I remember that. I was having a hard time. Cyrus gone, but who can I talk to?,When the person who loves you most tells you that at some point you have to get on with life. Why would you open up to anyone else. doesn't anyone out there feel this pain? The pain that crushes my heart at each morning prayer, that we will be safe. What is safe? If heaven is a better place wouldn't it in all likelihood be better for all of us to be dead and gone, safe, happy? The cliches' about losing a child are mind numbing, nauseating, none of which are true. I really hate this life without my two children but Loughlin's loss is fresh. Rhiannon's seems a lifetime ago, when being an unwed mother was a scarlet letter seared to your chest, so to talk about a child out of such a scandal would be blasphemy. So I never talked. I just shoved it down deep in my soul, never to see the light, never to be heard of again. There is no room left to shove the pain of losing Loughlin. The holes are all full. Where would you like me to put this pain if I can not show it, talk about it? Did you see me driving down the road, alone in my van, screaming my angst to the world? I looked crazy I know but when have I ever cared how I looked or what you thought? I heard the story of the deal making mama again the other day. My hell if it were that easy don't you think we would have all made a deal with God?
Protect my kids and I will teach them to walk in your light. And yet the darkness you have bestowed on my heart I no longer can see your light. Sometimes there is a beacon in the distance but the tumultuous waves that keep engulfing every part of my being hide the light from me. The cold and dark waters do not allow me to see or feel the light. I grow so weary. If not for these beautiful children that look to me for their every need, I would fall down upon my knees, ask to be smited, asked to be freed from this misery. So is it beautiful out there? Today might not be the day to ask...........