Smells

Aren't smells funny? How they can take you back to a different time in your life? For me it was usually a place where I felt safe.The smell reminds me of all of those warm feelings, happy feelings and I want to escape into that world forever, well I know there are no forever's but for a while, a long while, just enough time so that i can catch my breath and feel free again, a place where I am loved.

Smell # 1 was my grandma's house just after she baked her chocolate chip cookies that I loved so much. Her recipe was different than any other. It was fluffy and sweet with a small amount of chocolate chips. The smell seemed to linger for hours. I could just lay on her living room floor, on my back, looking toward her very tall ceilings, wishing I could stay here forever. It was safe. It was quiet and I knew I was loved.

Smell #2 was my dad's '68 Buick Riviera. I remember the smell like it was yesterday. When the air conditioner came on it produced this musty, dusty odor. I smelt like heaven. I know, how funny a car and heaven, but I remember sneaking out there just so I could steal a smell from the carpet, the seats even when the car wasn't on. There have been smells since that are close but I long to smell that car again. It was so safe there. My home, My car, My family.

Smell "3  I love the fragrance of the farm when it rains just enough to dampen the dirt. The other day when it rained I found myself talking to myself, telling me how it smells like a new start and how I wish I could just stay out here and drink it in forever. Yet the hired man staring at me like I was insane broke the trance and ruined the moment, but I can't wait for another day like that one.

Smell #4 Is there any better smell than that of a newborn baby? Months after Rhiannon died, I would go to her grave because I could smell her smell. I would linger there as long as I could to keep her smell around me. It is the most intoxicating smell in the world. I lost her smell after a time. I quit visiting here grave because I thought if the smell was gone so was she. When Loughlin was born, he brought his own smell with him. I would sit for hours just holding him taking in his fragrance, never wanting to let go, but everyone knows the smell fades with time and each new child brings their own fragrance. I wish I could walk down to his grave and smell is smell again like I could Rhiannon's. I miss them both so much. I loved them so much. Everything is changing all around me and I am caught in this sort of Limbo, a Limbo of my choice. Why would anyone want to move on if it meant leaving your two kids behind.