Hoping for a different life but know I am stuck in mine.

Giles didn't want to go to school today and had an anxiety attack on the way to his class. I should have just kept him but something inside me told me to get him in the door. I worried frantically most of the day, called the school 2 times to check on him but all was well. It was the first grade carnival and he did not want to participate. He doesn't like to be in front of groups of people and Memorial Day was quite trying on his little spirit. He was a trooper and made it through. I will post his video tomorrow, my little Elephant trainer.

Maya stayed with mom and dad all day because she missed passing the state test by one point and was not allowed to go to the YMCA as a reward. Her teacher went though, even though half her class did not pass the test. Why is a failing teacher allowed to go but not her students?(I just like to ask punitive questions) Really it was no big deal and Maya handled it very well, no tears, but the dollar store helped. I never really thought about how it feels to be left home until I had one left out. My eyes are so much wider than they use to be. My kids are so much stronger than me.

True went from playing one inning in left field to playing first base and batting 4th. (Homeruns in practice just not in the game yet!)It is truly amazing what a good coach can do for a boys attitude. Thank you, Kevin, Sam, Adam and Chris for making our summer so much more enjoyable.

I had a better day today. I was asked to feel in teaching relief society today. No matter how hard I tried to pick a topic that steered clear of the trial I am going through, something kept leading me back to all of the conference talks on adversity. I am so grateful for this opportunity. The studying and the lesson lifted me out of the despair I have been feeling, the hopelessness. The sadness is sticking around, the grieving, the mourning but these are feelings that I can deal with, with my faith and with the help and prayers of others. Losing Loughlin is going to be unbearable at times, the sadness is overwhelming but I feel my Savior near. I know that I need him to get through this. I am so grateful for the 15 years I had the privilege to spend with Loughlin and to be uplifted by his spirit. My heart aches because I long to see him again, to have him near us but I know with my Saviors love and the love of others, we will make it through this trial with the grace that Loughlin showed everyday of his life.

I am still so very sad today. Everyday this last week has been long and hard to endure. I miss Loughlin so much, I can't hardly get past the tears and try to live. Every sunny day, every baseball thrown, every fishing trip planned, every time I pick-up the kids from school, every time I see Loughlin's friends walking home, every trip past the skate park, every cheeseburger ordered, I miss my son. Cy turns 14 on Saturday. How will I make it through another birthday without Lough there?
It has been 365 days since another of my angel mom has held her dear sweet Lucy in her arms. She asked today on her blog what is the hardest thing you have ever had to do? I would like to answer that question here. I have had many hard things in my life but I know that leaving Loughlin in that car by himself and leaving in the ambulance was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I can still see him lying there in my mind, over and over again, wishing I could do something to change what I had done, missing him as soon as we drove away, wanting to hold him longer but they would not let me. Why wouldn't they let me? I wish I could have stayed there a little while and just held him. I needed that. After Rhiannon died the hospital let me hold her as long as I wanted, until I felt some peace but I never felt that peace with Lough.

Change teams, change of attitude

Yesterday we made the call to see if True could change baseball teams. The team he was on was dreadful. The week would go something like: Go to practice Monday, True would come away demoralized, unhappy, angry at the world. Tuesday got to the game, play one inning in right field, hit twice. Wednesday, go to practice, come away using expletives, True doesn't usually use, tears, certainly not worth this. Thursday, do the game thing all over again as mom is driving home trying to encourage, all the while wondering why I let him put himself in this position and feeling angry and wishing my brother Kurt was up here to put the fear of God in a complete jerk, who thinks being cruel to young boys is the way you show your power. getting home around 9 each night and trying to keep a quasi routine going for the family, eating out more than we should and having tired children every night.

Finally yesterday Harlen made the call and got True on the other team., what a difference. I saw my angry son smile for the first time in weeks. His coach let him play first base and he did very well. Encouragement was given out in plentiful supply. Instruction not degradation was used as a tool to teach. Parents at the game caring, talking, having fun. What a difference and so much weight lifted from my shoulders. True is so angry all of the time and baseball seemed to be the ignition for his wrath but this morning there is excitement about the upcoming week and we are so relieved.

I know this seems trivial but watching my kids go through any trial right now is hard because of the pain I know that is in their hearts. I just want to let them have a break for a while from the evil and harshness of this world, give them some free time away from the strife(they certainly deserve one). They need a chance to become strong again before someone tries to take them down.

Fighting the bitterness and the sadness

Loughlin's 8th grade graduation

Exactly a year ago. Cyrus' is next week.

These last two days I have been sad, so sad that I cannot make it to town without completely falling apart in the car. I can't make it to a baseball practice with any make-up left on my eyes. I am having a hard time finding any joy in the day, which makes me more down because of all the beautiful blessings I have surrounding me. I miss Loughlin more than words can describe. Maybe it's the spring weather, or the last few days of school that make it worse. Maybe it is watching the graduation of some pretty great kids in our ward and knowing I will never experience that with Lough. then the bitterness sets in. I hate the bitterness. I hate the self pity. I hate blaming myself for where my life is but I also have to take some responsibility in all this, a dead daughter, a dead son and a life I don't even know how to mold to.

I found out this morning that some of Loughlin's friends made T-shirts with his picture on it, and are wearing them at school. They say ,"We will always remember you". So bittersweet. I wish they didn't have to remember him. I wish he was there celebrating the end of school with them, smiling, laughing and being the great kid he was. Oh how I wish I could get on him for the few "B"'s on his report card, instead I am telling my usually great other students that as long as they pass, everything will be OK this year, but will it ever be OK again. I read my scriptures and find no relief. I go to church and learn about the trials of the early saints but do I need to read about their trials when I am living my own and listening to blowhards try to describe what it was like when they have no idea what it is like. (Not nice I know but I am tired of being nice) Cy has been trying so hard to build the relationship he shared with Loughlin, with True now and he wants True to be like Lough but True is still only 10, and True has a hard time filling that role . As well as Cy has a hard time filling the role as oldest brother. Each day seems such a struggle. Gordon B. Hinckley once said, "Life is to be enjoyed not just endured" I just don't know how to get to there from here. The anxiety, the pain, the sorrow, and now the bitterness is all consuming at times. The cave I have fallen into is deep again. You would think I had learned not to get close to those deep holes but they seem to blindside you, sneak up on you. I hope I find my way out fast. I hate it in the dark. I hate this hopelessness I feel.

Rhiannon's Birthday - Maya's party

One of a few photos I have of my darling baby

Yesterday was a busy an eventful day. I had planned Maya's party on Rhiannon's birthday for many reasons this year, not least of them was the selfish one that it would keep me busy and having a good time instead of having that much hated self-pity party that I have been having often by myself.
Our day started out in the garden planting, late as always for me. Maya had a friend sleep over the night before and she thought it was a great idea to try to ride her bike down our very steep hill. Knowing the outcome because of 4 children before her all crashing, I told her it was not a good idea. she insisted because her all-knowing papa told her she could make it. (*Thanks Dad). As I was finishing up the beet row I hears screams of panic from the bottom of the hill. She had crashed and went chin first into the pavement. Cy and True drove the four wheeler quickly to the bottom to pick her up and bring her up to a mom that was worried but also a little angry she had not heeded my warning. After bandaging up a fairly deep cut on the chin, outside the lip, on the elbow and worrying about a broken jaw, our plans completely changed. We were to go swimming but now Maya had no intention of getting all of her new injuries wet in the chlorinated pool. We opted for Red Robin and the dollar theatre instead. After a great lunch we had an hour to kill so I took the girls to Claire's and watched girls be girls, something I was never good at. They tried on hats and scarves and necklaces all the while I chased Lea around the store threatening to leave her home next time. We went and seen Hotel for Dogs next and got sick on candy and popcorn, all and all for a day that started out really rocky, it was very fun and quite a success. As I took the girls home my mind wandered on what it would have been like if Rhiannon were here today to celebrate Maya's birthday or that night I am sure hers. She would have been 21 this year. It doesn't seem possible that it has been that long since I lost her. I still miss her and the way she looked as those angels kissed her on the cheek and she would smile while she was sleeping. She was such a good baby. I was so blessed to have her in my life for such a short while. I can't wait for the day the Savior comes again and my children will be returned to me in their perfect state. The second coming use to scare me, now I long for it and pray that it will come soon.

Missing

Today is just a missing day. I woke up missing Loughlin almost more than I could bear. I sent the kids to school with Harlen, because the thought of driving the road with the sun up in the sky was more than I could do. I watched True play baseball last night remembering how much I loved to watch Loughlin play that game and how nervous I always was for him. Every moment of this day has been so tender. Oh how I wish he was here. I am tired of putting up the good fight, just tired. I just wish for one more day of seeing his sweet smile. I sometimes wonder what hell is like. I think now it might feel a lot like losing your son at your own hands. It isn't helpful to wonder what life would be like had all of this not happened but I do. I am having a pity party today and all are invited just bring a tub of Mocha almond fudge if you come.

Excuse or Crutch

Pardon me while I vent for just a short while, well maybe a little longer than that, but I need to get this off my heart, mind and chest tonight.

Today I found out that Maya's third grade teacher has been telling people that we, my family, has been using the accident as an excuse for Maya having a hard time in school. A crutch perhaps as to why we are struggling as a family in general? I never really thought of it that way, in fact, I never have even brought it up except for the fact that she missed almost 8 weeks of school recuperating, then her teacher was gone for medical reasons for 6 weeks after that. ( I wonder if she uses that as an excuse for the fact that 9 out of her 21 students didn't pass their state tests this year). I am trying to stay calm but I am completely disgusted with this mindset.

First I think that the accident and Loughlin's death could be considered an excuse, as far as not doing as well as she could have done this year. Second, we are doing the best we can with the cards that have been dealt to us. It has not only been losing Lough but the last 3 months have been so very hard. I feel like I am in survival mode, that some days the best I can do is get up, feed the kids and get them dressed in clean clothes. I do those few things well, beyond that just feels like a bonus each day. Finally, I am just tired of being judged by some who know nothing about what it is like to go through this, I am tired of having to feel like people are watching my every move at the same time having no idea of what is actually going on in our home.

I am just mad and wanting to vent. I am so tired and each new crisis, small as it is, seems like a mountain. any suggestions on what I could say to her?

Exhausted

These last few weeks have left me exhausted. I am tired all day long. I would love a vacation right now. I would love to just get away for a few days. Mother's Day was hard but my family was wonderful. Harlen got me a beautiful Mother's Ring, which seems such a splurge for me, I am usually so frugal. I missed Loughlin all day. On Saturday as I traveled around town trying to find flowers to make Harlen's mom a nice planter, I found myself at Walmart. As I walked by the card aisle, I heard a familiar song, in one of those new cards. It was the song that just the other day I had moved to the top of my play list on my blog, "You'll be in my Heart". I know it might sound crazy but I felt as if it was Loughlin reaching out to me in a subtle way. I use to sing that song to him when he was a little boy and the part that says just look over your shoulder, reminds me of driving in the suburban and looking over my shoulder at Loughlin sitting behind me. I would do this everyday, sometimes in the rear view mirror, so that he would not know I was watching him. I miss him. I hope I can live my life so that I make him proud, just like he made me everyday of his life.

Through the eye of the storm

Today it feels as if the eye of the storm has passed for now, that I am on the outside and the rain seems to cleanse as it also drenches my soul. I seem to feel the spirit with me all of the time and I am trying to keep my hope alive. I see signs all around of Loughlin with me, whether it is the pheasant that walks across the street as I drive by or the hawk that circles my yard or just the feeling as if he is visiting for the day. I miss him so much. He loved the Springtime. He loved the end of the school year and the chance to go on the first fishing trip of the year. My heart seems so full yet so broken. My life seems so hectic yet I feel peace. My family is missing so much yet we are so blessed. My soul feels a longing that never is fulfilled yet I know one day I will be whole again. I am grateful for a Savior that suffered and died that I might live to see my children again, for the knowledge of the plan of salvation and the path to forgiveness that will help us get back to our Father in Heaven.

Trial upon trial

Sometimes it seems as if trials come one after another or even before you have finished one, another is beginning. I am in the midst of yet another adversity in my life. I am thankful for a loving Savior that is holding me up right now. I believe there is no way I would make it through this alone. I am grateful for so many friends that stick around even in the eye of the storm, a storm sometimes aimed at them. Please pray for my family because we could use all the help we can get at this time. I feel the strength from the many prayers that are being sent our way.

Strength in my Lord

Last week I had the privilege of attending Women's Conference at BYU. I am grateful for my extended family that kept at me, so that I would attend. I needed it. I needed it more than I can explain. I needed the strength that I gained from the spirit of so many faithful to the Lord, from so many inspirational talks, from a family that gave me love so unconditionally, for the new friends I met and felt a kinship to immediately. I needed to find my testimony again. I needed to be where I began this journey, where I was when my sweet Rhiannon blessed my life. I needed all of these things for when I returned home my Savior was with me. He was with me as I traveled down the path that seems to be forced my way, more frequently than I thought I had the strength to endure but I do have the strength. I can do anything with my Savior's love. I can endure everything that is handed me if only I will look to my Father to carry me, to hold my hand through the darkest hours, to keep me calm, to bless my children and to show my gratitude for everyone in my life that is here when I need them, even when I seem to call so often for their help, their love, their strength. Today I am exhausted, but I am at peace. I followed the promptings of the Holy Ghost, I listened, for once in a long time I left the channels open so that I could hear, so that I would know how to respond, how to love more than I have ever loved. The healing begins today, the forgiveness, the hope for something better. I am thankful for so many things this morning, for a wonderful family, strong children, the gospel that maintains me, great friends that love us, leaders that are always here when we need them. I pray for people not to judge and to only love and I pray that this road is closed and I will never have to travel it again. Loughlin was with me in this journey, I could hear him whisper to me, suck it up mom, you can do this, you are strong, I am with you always, just look over your shoulder, I will be there.