Trying

 Trying

I feel like dying.

So tired of trying.

Wake-up Blue.

Aching all through

My distorted form.

Wishing I was never born.

I’m weary every moment

Time is my opponent.

Every day is a marathon.

I am far from a paragon

Is there an easier way?

Do I have to stay?

In a place with so much pain.

When there is nothing to gain.

Peace seems out of my reach.

Grief is my personal leach.

Yesterday

 Yesterday was the 12th anniversary of the accident and Loughlin's death. I stayed busy most of the day. I couldn't get enough courage to go to the cemetery. I still feel like I am in denial about Harlen dying. Today has been long and hard. Tomorrow is 2 months. Wow! I miss him so much. Harvest is coming to an end and he would be home more now any other year, but there is no sound of his voice. The fog is thickening and I am having a hard time seeing his messages, hearing his heart. Oh God. The holidays are gong to be hell. I heard a friend worrying about Christmas pictures already. I am worried about cooking food and washing clothes. I am sad.................

Another Day

 I feel like I accomplished something today. I paid all the late bills. I talked to the painters, My boys helped me install a new fridge and I put my beautiful baby grandson to sleep. Julie brought up spaghetti for dinner. It's still nice to have meals brought in once in a while.

Please comment

 I haven't been checking my comments for s long time, but i would love to hear your input.

Signs Signs everywhere there are signs.

 

Yesterday was a hard day for me. I had to deal with the life insurance. I had to open up to checking accounts for the money people gave us for Harlen's memorial and the Trust. I was feelin awfully lonely and sad but i got in my car to hear Harlen's terrible favorite song, Boston, "More than a feeling," Which I hate but yesterday I loved every minute. Still licking my wounds I headed to pick up a prescription at the drug/slash alcohol store. I even brought my cash for that Fireball Whiskey. Just as I opened the door the bishop called and wanted to spray my farm for flies.......I didn't buy it. I don't care if other people drink, but I am an alcoholic in the making. Today I went to see Dr. Booth as I was leaving hid office, The Beatles,"Let it Be" was on the radio. Is this reaching out from the heavens or am I just seeing things.

Lonely

 

Lonely but not alone.

Intelligent but not all known

Crazy but not insane

Guilty but who’s to blame?

Sad but still alive,

Shallow dare not to dive.

This life a dream, but a nightmare.

Take another jump don’t be scared.

Hope is a reason to live.

Charity a need to give.

Family is everything that is love.

Looking for guidance from above.

One

 It's funny at the end no one is around.

The house is empty. Nothing makes a sound.

Do you need me I hear from a distance.

No Let me help at their insistence.

One is an irony in itself.

Winning that trophy that is on the shelf.

That is a champion, but I am lost.

Taking pills but at what cost.

cures

                                    

 Do you know heartache triggers actual physical pain? It's a crazy thought that the two things this world cannot cure is cancer and heartache. 

Both of these have affected my life in the last oh 32 years, perhaps before. My grief is causing physical pain, but people judge you like you are giving up of that you should miraculously just wakeup one day and feel the elephant who is resided on your chest for years is gone? It doesn't work that way, just like cancer can't be wished to go away. 

I watched a movie tonight that's whole pretense, is our lives are what we make it. If we want a pony we will get a pony. If we want to be an astronaut boom you are one, of course with a lot of hard work. I started thinking about my life and how when bad things happened, which they did frequently I worked hard to get back in the game, but these trials are getting harder and I am getting exhausted. Any words of wisdom out there in cyberspace?  I don't want to feel like this and I don't want to take a bunch of pills and walk around like a zombie.

The journey

 One month out and I still await Harlen's return at night. Nothing feels right. I am so tired all of the time. My shoulders feel like they are carrying the weight of the world, literally. My memory is shot. My cognitive skills are not so great either. i fell last Saturday and tore the cartilage in my ribs which makes laughing, hard and crying even harder. I knew this was going to be hard, but I underestimated the grief. I miss him so very much. The death certificates came in the mail today, 5 just in case I needed that many. Tomorrow could be a better day. I hope it is

Book

 Oh they crawl around stealing the hours I need to sleep.

on the ceiling, their claws make wretched scratches 

but the light shows no sign? Am I losing my mind?

I hear a heartbeat that abruptly comes to a halt.

Heartbeats beat strong until they don't beat at all.

I have been at the end of the rhythm thrice.

The pain is unbearable. Can you see me?

Wait there is a new smell, a happy smell, that of dust and moisture.

Taking me back to the time when life was simple.

I am a child riding in the back of dad's Rivera.

The music is playing a happy song. Is that the Beach boys? Does it Matter?

I am happy.

I shall not be that way very often.throughout my life.

I will not allow myself.

Remember that yellow VW I drove around town getting in trouble?

That was years after that man touched me underwater.

Leaving me scarred, filthy, unclean.

A child, yet now a tarnished soul.

I am in pain. Can you hear me?

Of course not for I am silent.

Wine 'coolers for free.

They are not that much older than me and Mer.

What could go wrong? I drink way too much.

Crawl to the bedroom just to lie down, head spinning.

Wake up to a crushing weight on top of me.

My virtue is stolen. I feel dead.

Of course no one listens to the girl who was impregnated at 17.

The fingers point in my direction.

I tell myself I don't care.

I was alone.

By choice, but alone.

A beautiful baby girl arrived.

2weeks pass full of bliss and love

I decide I can do it

I am alone. but not by choice

Yet I have this little beautiful baby girl.

She sleeps next to me

She dies next to me in my bed, cold, blood.

It's my honeymoon.

He makes me feel so low.

I shudder at my image.

I am alone again.

Years pass.

A baby boy arrives.

You can't get off the track.

A new baby boy, another lil boy, then that special girl.

Life seems sublime.

What is over the horizon?

A bigger baby boy and our surprise girl.

Is this happiness?

We are late for school.

I have a funeral to be to.

I drive down the hill. The sun blinds me.

My oldest son is cold, brain matter spills out on the seat.

What have I done?

A Loving God?

The ocean, so blue, with its crashing waves.

It is my solace. It is my proof of His existence or is it?

I am relaxed with the family.

My soul still lingers for something more.

Tears fall from my eyes.

Can this be true?

I am 50. My life is ugly again. There is no light.

He lays in the cold ground.

He fought. We fought. We lost. The cancer won.

Breathing is almost impossible.

I feel like a stranger in a strange place.

I am in pain can you here me?

Harlen is gone

 The sun is setting in the West with a tinge of red and orange in a sorrowful way. The fires are blazing on the West Coast . The fires are destroying my sacred ground. The place where we go to escape, but why not? God has taken what is most precious to me and has left me on charred ground. I wish this life was over. I need Harlen. I ache all over like I have a cruel case of the flu. I see him struggling for his last breath and I want to save him, but the insurance companies and hospital administrators have taken him from me. The stages of grief switch throughout the day. I am mostly sad, not just sad, but heartbroken. I cry most of the day. I like to sleep. In fact I love to sleep. Nightmares haunt my dreams but at least it isn't 18 hours of yearning. I knew he was going to die but did it have to be so fast? I love you Harlen. I will for a lifetime and more.

 

What can I do?

The new bone marrow biopsy came back with double the amount of leukemia cells in the marrow than when Harlen started. It was devastating news. He started a new chemo on Wednesday. We have it and a trial drug left. It is hard not to be negative. I wish there was something I could do to change this. Harlen is getting tired. He is only 52. His life has so much more to live. We have so many plans for the future. Alaska with the boys, Europe with me, Grandchildren. It just isn't fair. So many prayers on his behalf have been said. We have to have good news soon. Please God let us keep him here on Earth.

20% Chance of Rain

If the weatherrman called for 20% chance of rain would you bother with an umbrella? The results haven't come in from the 5th bone marrow biopsy and I feel sick to my stomach. I pray they are good, but if they are not I pray for another plan to get Harlen healthy. I am missing my family back home terribly. Today I have decided I am just going to breathe.

Realizing I have always been a loner

I sit in this room all day long while Harlen gets phone call after phone call from all of his friends, but I just listen to the one sided conversations. I have never been a good friend. I realize that now. I am pretty lonely. I have built my life around my family, Harlen and my kids, not much for a friendly lunch.If I had time I liked being alone. I used to sneak off to a movie by myself whenever I could after I got my driver's license. I worked and swam and worked and swam. I wouldn't consider any other women someone I couldn't live without. I can see the error in my ways now, a little late, but I see it. After this quarantine will I try to be different? Probably not. I like my shell. It is thick and ugly and no one likes to come near. I find that bearable. I don't talk. I mean really talk. I will open up to Harlen once in a great while but that is even few. I give my heart to those who deserve it, those who need it. I show my soul to those who want to know it. I give my heart to those who will not break it. I don't trust very many with it. Most people are blind to the words they write, deaf to those they speak, emotionless, to the feelings they crush. If I could take all the 'for my good' words that have been spoken to me and tear open my soul and spew them out I might be a different woman. I was going to say lady, but I don't see myself that way. I see my myself as a feminine in the case that I am a mother, but I can be cold to those that look down on me or up to me or don't pay attention at all. 

I know this is about Harlen. He is the one with cancer, but I am the one that is grieving the life I will never have. The months that are taken away while I lock myself in this prison. He needs me. Today has been a dark day, a lonely day, a day that needs to end. I am miles away from my kids and they have been my life for, well forever. They heal me. They make me smile with pride. They are my greatest accomplishment. So my funeral might be small, but my children will know I loved them most, my husband will know he is the most important thing in my life. Tomorrow is the last day of intravenous chemo. I pray that it worked this time because these walls are closing in and 6 weeks more seems like a lifetime.

Funny how no one will read this because it isn't uplifting and joyous, but come on cut me some slack. I have been sleeping on a couch for 50+days. #CancerSucks 

Hello from the Inside

I am writing from the self made bunker of the Huntsman Center in SLC, Utah. Harlen's last biopsy came back dirty with leukemia so we are once again trying a new chemotherapy for 3 weeks and because of the Corona Virus I had to make the decision to stay here or leave. Well they told me I had to leave but I prayed that they would make an exception for us because I had barely left his side in 5 weeks. The word came from the top that I was one of 3 that could stay. I was relieved, but knew it was going to be hard to stay away from my kids and grand baby for another 8 weeks. It wasn't a question though to leave Harlen by himself. We are in this together. So my agoraphobia had finely paid dividends. I didn't want to leave Harlen so I didn't and because I had stayed with him for 2 weeks straight; They let me stay.  Today is day #3 of 21. I took a nap and the day was somewhat shorter. I was shaken from my sleep by another nightmare of loved ones dying and me breaking down. But I snapped out of it quickly without any meds to help me. I am getting stronger. I miss my kids fiercely. I always put my priorities on a scale. Harlen tops that scale right now, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like hell to be away from my kids, especially with the uncertainty in this world. I pray frequently for all my loved ones, and I hope we can overcome the boredom of living in a hospital room knowing the boogeyman lurks outside and inside our minds and this world.

Agoraphobia

Agoraphobia (ag-uh-ruh-FOE-be-uh) is a type of anxiety disorder in which you fear and avoid places or situations that might cause you to panic and make you feel trapped, helpless or embarrassed. You fear an actual or anticipated situation, such as using public transportation, being in open or enclosed spaces, standing in line, or being in a crowd.

The anxiety is caused by fear that there's no easy way to escape or get help if the anxiety intensifies. Most people who have agoraphobia develop it after having one or more panic attacks, causing them to worry about having another attack and avoid the places where it may happen again.

People with agoraphobia often have a hard time feeling safe in any public place, especially where crowds gather. You may feel that you need a companion, such as a relative or friend, to go with you to public places. The fear can be so overwhelming that you may feel unable to leave your home.

Agoraphobia treatment can be challenging because it usually means confronting your fears. But with psychotherapy and medications, you can escape the trap of agoraphobia and live a more enjoyable life.

I find my fears getting worse because I have to go everywhere by myself and I am not sure of myself driving in Salt Lake. I am fat. I haven't had my hair done for about 6 months. I look horrendous. I hate that I have to go get my food up on the 6th floor by myself. I hate being in the elevator by myself, in my car by myself, and in the post office in the campus store by myself. The only place I like being alone is at home and I haven't been there in such a long time.. I have been so accustomed to being with Harlen all of the time that it has spoiled me. I am freaking out because I am going to a new place to get my hair done tomorrow at 4. I am already sick with anxiety.  

Migraines

I know I have talked about my migraines in the past, but I am having a bad one today, yesterday, the day before and most debilitating tonight. It is 1:30 am. this is way past my bedtime. I can't afford to have one right now. I am Harlen's caretaker. What if they think I cannot do this. He has to have a caregiver 24/7 after the transplant. Am I up for this task? I miss home. I miss the kids and my grandson. I miss my life before cancer. I almost have forgotten what that life was like then. Then I feel guilty for feeling crappy when Harlen is in the fight of his life. What kind of wife am I? You have to step up I keep telling myself. This is his. I can't keep raining on his torrential downpour. I watch him sleep and imagine what a horrible life it would be without him. He is sick. Sometimes he is really sick, but he is sick all of the time. Cancer sucks! Funny how people only think of cancer when it affects their circle. "You know that guy down the road with all those kids? He has cancer." or "She is only 35. How come she is dealing with this?" or even "Did you hear about Joe? He died last night with his family all around." How long do you think of these people fighting this horrible disease? How many times in a day do you wonder if they are going to make it? It never leaves my mind. Just like Rhiannon and Loughlin never leave my mind. Maybe the migraine is caused from lack of space in my brain.

 I am rambling tonight I know, but I am 6 hrs away from the only Dr. I trust and I am miserable.
I went to do a batch of laundry. Crazy I know, but I can't sleep and I can't watch Harlen sleep anymore. Too many thoughts are in my mind and I don't like any of them.

The Bull Sale - Harlen

We have had some hard sales in the past, after Val died, after Loughlin died, and after Deanie died, but this is going to be the hardest yet. Harlen is back in the hospital with complications from the chemotherapy. We will be doing this sale without him. He is our rock. He has always been the provider, but True stepped up, and Giles stepped up and the girls are miraculous.. We need to make him proud, take the stress off of him. Pray for a good turnout. We need it.

Banished

As most of you know Harlen's last bone marrow biopsy came back showing cancer, not as much as last time but it is there. We came down to the Huntsman Center today and I feel like a fish out of water. I feel banished from everything I know. I don't believe I knew it was going to be this hard. I miss my kids and my grandbaby. I miss the country and the roads with no cars. I miss the nice nurses at St. Luke's. I miss being able to eat dinner with my husband because they don't want me to order from his room. I miss my bed and have I mentioned I miss my kids. The bull sale is going to be so hard. I fly our Saturday night for the sale and come back Thursday to see Harlen. Life is still a journey. Pray our sale goes well.

The Sweetest Gift on Earth

What can I say? Being a Grammy is the greatest thing on Earth. I thought that having my own kids, each of them was the greatest event to happen in my life. All seven of them were completely amazing, but on January 24th, 2020 our little August was born. He was a whopping 8lbs 14oz. He made it into this world via c-section. It was such a beautiful and sacred experience to be in the room with McKayla while she labored, The heavens felt like they had opened and the spirits were all around. We love this new little grandson more than anything in the world. He is the brightest spot in our universe.

He is now 2 weeks old and he is so beautiful and sweet. Like Frank on Everybody Loves Raymond I just breathe in life. I love him.

God only asked Noah for 40 days and 40 nights

Today is day 34 in the hospital. I am exhausted. I just wrapped Harlen's PICC line so he could shower. I am not a nurse. I have never wanted to be a nurse. I never cared to know what a PICC line is or what it does. He has a port too. It's in the right side of his chest. It is for blood or platelets or poison or whatever the hell they want to put in him. We were so excited for a clean bone marrow biopsy, but now his numbers won't come up and the Dr. today gave us little hope on what they could do next. Did I mention I am tired?

On top of it all we are trying from 70 miles away to compose the bull sale catalog. It is virtually impossible. My mind is so cloudy from stress and anxiety that I am having a hard time remembering numbers from one source to get to the other source. It is a long process on a normal year and takes most of my energy. I am sucking at it.

Harlen is down. He is talking like he is planning for an end result that I cannot put my head around. I can't think through this. I can't imagine a life without him in it, but if his numbers don't come up there isn't much more they can do for him. UGH The words came out of my mouth. My God it is your turn to step in. I know you aren't accustom to being told what to do, but I am tired of asking. I am tired of pleading. I need the father of my children in my life, in their life. I need a happy ending. I need what is left in my family to stay in this family.Was cancer your idea? Because I have to tell you if it was it blows.

There is hope and then it is crushed, then there is hope, but it is squashed, then there is real hope, but it was just pretend, then there really is hope, but it never was hope. It was just words, and words are empty and hollow and ugly.

I still have hope the Dr.'s are wrong because seriously when have they been right?

I believe I would rather have 2 of every species living amongst me.

Bone Marrow came back Clean

Harlen's bone marrow came back clean of all cancer in his last biopsy. We are still in the hospital and will be until his good cells start doing their job. Then we are off to Utah for the stem cell transplant that should have been done back in November. But the great news is we have more hope with each passing day. He is still having hard days with fevers, aches and chills, but they are lessening which is a good sign.