Lea's10th Birthday

Happy Birthday my dear, sweet beautiful girl.

Lea turned 10 yesterday. She is such an incredible girl. She sings like an angel. She shows steers like a cowgirl and she plays baseball like The Bambino. 

She was a surprise addition to our family, but what a gift. She keeps me going when I don't feel like I can do anymore. I coached her softball team again this year. She was awesome. We got 3rd in the tournament against much older and larger girls.

When she was born she was a handful. She never quit moving. Her brother's and sisters got tired of her. She was mischievous and quite a lil' monster.

She had one ally, Loughlin. He and her had this unbreakable bond. I thought it would last forever. Lately I find myself reminding her what they were like together. She doesn't remember. It breaks my heart all over again. She was so young when he left us. I can't expect her to feel the love anymore. I dreamed of that bond they speak of in poetry, movies and songs, but that was also a unreal. Life here on this Earth is not like that.

Our family was forever altered on that day.

Shine On

I am sure that as you have read my posts over the last 6 years you have to know I struggle with aspects of the church I belong to. I struggle with the gospel itself. I struggle with the aspect of God's love, blessings, heaven, afterlife......just about everything. I have lost my faith. I have lost 2 of my children and along with it a lot of my empathy for others. My husband on the other hand has found his faith, his God, his existence in this world. I still try to go to my church meetings. It takes all the strength I can muster to go and sit through these 3 hours. Let me give you an example of what I must entertain......

Sunday was the farewell of a very popular boy in our ward. He is a good kid. He has had a good life, quarterback, valedictorian, eagle scout. He did a great job speaking, but and here is the big but,  the priest quorum advisor spoke next. He spoke of how some boys shine and some don't, how you could pick out those kids that shined from an early age and how all those shiny kids are now on missions. He talked about how some choose education over service, how some are willing to give up 2 yrs of their lives to serve and others have selfish desires, some are too smart??????. OK we will leave that one.

I could feel my heart race, my blood pressure rise. I couldn't help but think back on Cyrus' life with this man as his advisor ( I use this word very laughingly). I look back at these Shiney boys and how they left Cyrus in his misery, never once trying to reach out to a young man who was completely struggling with the loss of his brother. Cyrus finally getting enough courage to step out, inviting these so called Shiney boys to a party at his house, not one showed up, except one that would be looked down on by most at the church. The bishop saying, well Cyrus really has never tried to be friends with these Shiny Boys..... How do we judge which kids are good and which kids make out with every girl they can get their hands on? Which kids help others and those that can only see past themselves. Those who cheat and those who turn in cheaters. Cyrus is the only one out of that group that hasn't made the decision to go on a mission. There is no way I could have misconstrued this message. Tell me again how these men are called of God and I will tell you why I have a hard time believing in this God. Cyrus doesn't go to church at college....I am sure you can guess why.

Dominion

Dominion:This word should scare every human being. Why would you ever let someone else have dominion over you?  Righteous, Unrighteous It shouldn't matter.

Memorial Day 2014

Memorial Day 2014

Memorial day is a double whammy for me. It is hard alone but added that Rhiannon died on Memorial Day makes it more so. I live 7 hrs away from her grave and that also makes it hard. The cemetery was beautiful yesterday, if you can use such a word to describe such a place. If it looked like that everyday it might be easier to visit. I feel angry I have to decorate my child's grave and yet I feel guilty when I don't. Both feelings are born out of a strong sense of displeasure. I still feel so ripped.........it is hard to get past this. I miss them both. We went to the movie, "Million Dollar Arm" after decorating the graves. It was meant to get my mind clear of the sadness. We ate at Red Robin before, our family favorite forever. Harlen was served the wrong hamburger. He got a Whiskey River Bacon Burger instead of his favorite, Banzaii. The bacon burger was Loughlin's favorite. The movie would have been his choice. I was looking for a no brainer like Godzilla. I was voted out. So this morning my heart is heavy and my eyes are leaking. How long until this emptiness goes away?

The In Betweens.......

Happy Birthday Maya



In this tween time
this darkest hour,
We call upon this Sacred Power.
Three together, stand alone
command the unseen to be shown.
In innocence we search the skies,
enchanted are our new found eyes.

I know. I know. Charmed. I loved it when it was on TV. Now my girls love it on Netflix. I recall this episode in the 3rd season that was cutsie, a little too much for me, but it stuck with me. "The In Betweens" It was the doorways in between two rooms where the evil little miniature men would hide and torment all they could get their hands on.

How does this apply to us, to me? I find the days 'in between' days I don't want to face are harder on me than the actual day. The thinking, dwelling, contemplating, crying and when the day is actually here, it is more like wow....I made it. Rhiannon's birthday was the 16th. She would have been 26, or she is 26, or she should have been 26, one of those. The day she died is the 30th. That is a short in between. Maya had her birthday party on Rhiannon's birthday. She has done that a lot. I always considered myself lucky. It was a way to celebrate without bringing unwanted attention to her day. It is still just for me. My other children never knew her. It was my choice, right or wrong, to keep her to myself. If I shared her, others would have hurt her through me, judging, name calling. I never wanted that. A mom always wanted to protect her, to protect all my babies. Maybe the days are easier because I always imagine the worst....and some of the time it isn't the worst. Yet I should be given the benefit of the doubt, look at my track record.

So there are the in betweens but church on the other hand always out do'es my worst nightmares. I wonder every week why I go and sit through this form of torture. Am I a misogynist? I wonder how much longer until I stand on the chair and call out all the crazies in the room. I AM HERE. DON'T TELL EVERYONE THAT IF ONLY YOUR KIDS SAID A PRAYER BEFORE THEY STARTED THEIR CAR THEY WOULD ALWAYS BE SAFE. CAN I LIVE ON YOUR LALA PLANET? THE ONE WHERE WE ALL SIT AROUND AND DRINK KOOLAID AND HOHO's. I was angry for 3 days following. I can find plenty of shit in the outside world to make me mad. I don't need to force myself to entertain the clowns anymore.

Conference Call

Will I heed? I have been out of medicine for over 5 days. I called for a refill but so far none. What are the results? I feel. I feel more than I have in forever. I feel things that are there and not there. I feel things that are implied or forced down my throat. Yet I feel. The problem: I don't know if I can handle these feelings, real or make believe. Loughlin is gone. He is gone because I made a horrible mistake. 5+ years and I am stuck. Rhiannon died, in part, because of my mistake. I didn't wake up on time, but when I did she was gone. Could I have prevented it? We will never know, and yet if I was responsible I killed her and hurt me. My parents lived through it but there was no other immediate family. There was no other affected by my mistake. I buried the feelings along with my daughter. It was too much for me to face. I hid. I ran. I drank. I did everything I could think of that would take me away from those feelings. Guilt, Grief, Trauma, Guilt.

The new problem is I cannot hide, I cannot run, and I cannot self medicate enough to get away from these feelings. They are in front of me constantly. The only way out is death, and I am much to healthy for that. You cannot will yourself to die, and would that not just exasperate the problem further? Would I not hurt my kids both living and dead more if I died? My kids are a daily reminder, if not hourly reminder of my mistakes. I watch them struggle. It hurts my heart so much I feel as if it will burst. All of them have problems concentrating, me too. All of them are on the edge of anger, me too. All of them have feelings of guilt, me too. All of them are looking for answers and not finding them, me too. All of them have trouble feeling, me too.

So what I heard yesterday in a nutshell is: this is your poison, take it and smile, all the time it is killing you, that it shouldn't kill you, if you only had faith. Once again the circle. The trial took my faith and I can't get through it because I have no faith.

On the upside True got a new puppy Friday. He is so very cute. He is a Drahthaar. Loughlin had a Drahthaar when he died, Little Anne. She ran away after he left us. We never found her again. Duke, our new puppy, is named after a dog Harlen's brother had when he died. A Drahthaar also. So is it really an upside? I am puppy sitting today and I am so sad I cannot breath.

Mixed Reviews

I have been having the hardest time with contradicting teachings at the church. My favorite is God is in control of everything and yet to make me feel better people tell me Loughlin's death was just an accident. Now in my seriously crazed mind those two do not or can not go together. How about the notion that our children are not ours, but we just have stewardship over them, and yet we put a very large belief in Forever Families. If our kids aren't actually ours but on loan from God, what difference does it make if we are Together Forever? Who is supposed to be together? Repentance is another one. But one is not ever actually forgiven in this church. Our only hope is God is greater than our puny little minds and souls.We are asked to pray, yet when what we are praying for doesn't happen we are to believe it was in God's best interest. So if God is in charge what possible reason do you pray. He picks and chooses who lives and who dies. Why are we to believe we can change that? With faith and prayer and fasting? Rubbish

Attention Deficit

I think with every death, after sometime has passed, loved ones around us lose interest, start living their lives, as they should. It is hard to keep the attention of passerbies, even friends and family. I can almost hear them scream, "Get on with it, will you. It has been 5+ years." Maybe it is possible to get on with my life. It isn't for lack of trying that I haven't. Something or someone calls me back to that day. It isn't hard. I drive down our hill and pass by the exact place Loughlin took his last breath, 3 or 4 times a day. I would be cold if I didn't drift back and yet every time I do I become colder. Empathy and Sympathy are a couple of emotions I don't do well anymore. So as those around me are saying, "Get on with it." I find myself saying, "Really, get over it." People will tell me they are just young and I think I was 18 when I lost Rhiannon. After 3 months I had people telling me, get on with it. What is 'it'? How do I get on with it? I am on medicine that helps me deal but it also keeps many emotions and feelings out. Numb is my heart. Numb from what I have done, what I have seen, what I have lived, what I believed and now don't. Life is a lie. Seldom is the truth told. Instead we hear worn out cliches: that which doesn't kill me makes me stronger, home can be a heaven on earth, this is a test, God loves you or he wouldn't have gave you this trial, on and on. I do my best to raise my kids. I tell them I love them everyday. I do love them. I love them more than life itself. If I could have I would have gave my life so they could live. So much promise in both of them. I am such a tired 44 year old. My chest hurts from trying to breath. My eyes are blurred from tears. I shake as if I am frightened all day long and at night tremors awake me. How does one forgive herself?

Wounds

I still cry daily. It seems when the house is quiet, or I am alone, or perhaps a song comes through on the radio, or also the shower. The shower seems to be the most likely place I feel comfortable in letting my sorrows out. It is quiet and warm, The steam fills the air letting you believe you are in another space, maybe time. The air is thick, I play Pandora softly for the silence would be too much. When I emerge I am exhausted after the trip to the past, reliving the good and the awful memories. I used to shower daily but I have found it uses up too much of what is left of my energy and I know what is to come as I step into the abyss. I am sometimes scared that I won't come out the same. I have changed so much over the last 5 years that I really don't remember what I was like before 2008. What is the same? I did put my energies into what now seems silly. I fought battles that were completely unnecessary. I walk away now. It's probably for the best but I also long for the woman I was, the mom, the wife, the fighter. That ship has sailed and took my courage with it. For how can one who is responsible for the death of her son, the destruction of her family, their faith, their happiness ever feel comfortable in her skin again. This spirit will never fill this vessel completely . Politics, religion, poetry, literature have no meaning, no admiration in my heart. I live for a simple smile, a 'I love you', a text, a call from my children, a  'mom you're crazy'. I wear it like a badge. All of these keep me going for another day. Everyday I am grateful for Lea for she yells" I'm here" when she hears me singing "You are my Sunshine". That song chokes me each time it comes to mind. I used to sing it to Loughlin as a baby, a toddler, because I had lost Rhiannon. Please don't take my Sunshine away, but he was taken and now I am expected to go on, pretend like everything is happy in this home, that we are strong, that we are resilient, that we can go on as if they were never here. No one mentions their names. They are but a mere memory in those around us's minds. They look upon us with pity, not with sympathy, or empathy for they have never felt this loss. In fact they go as far as to tell us they believe they could handle this tragedy in a manner so much more eloquently than we have. Asked if we have Pride in our ward in Sunday School last week, I let out a chuckle. No one else thought it funny...................

Finding Joy

 

 My life, pre Loughlin's death, was fun, easy going. I enjoyed so many things: cooking, shopping, going out, watching movies, my kids' concerts, my kids games, get together's, fishing, boating and especially just being with my family, especially at the coast. My life now is so different.

Cooking is a chore and I have a hard time coming up with new and yummy things to make for my family. I bought Harlen a Traeger grill for Christmas, that seems to at least me helping with the dull drum. I do most of my shopping from the warmth of my living room. Amazon is my best friend. If I could buy milk online I would. I feel fairly agoraphobic when I am out.

I still watch movies but just to take up time. It has to be an incredible masterpiece to float my boat. My kids concerts are almost unbearable. All those people crammed into a gym or auditorium is mind numbing. I know you would think I would want to take it all in but I don't.

 My kids games make me anxious and I am so competitive  that it has taken the fun out of it. I don't remember the last time we went fishing. Maybe once or twice since we lost Loughlin but to many memories are attached and the water everywhere and how many people drown in lakes every year, I am so out of shape I would be helpless to save them.
                         

 I think I miss being on vacation most. But the last few really were more work than reward.  So how do I find joy again when everything seems so hard. I know most of you are thinking I am just depressed but it is so more. I am on my meds. Nothing has changed except for going through the court ordeal and watching Cyrus live all of the hell again. My life is busy right now with our annual bull sale coming up. My brother gets out of jail tomorrow for his 3rd DUI. My dad just had knee replacement. My mom goes in for back surgery on Thursday.



They call me wishing I could be there to help but I can't with all of my commitments here. The unhealthy guilt overwhelms me.

So I would like some suggestions on how I can find some happiness again. I am tired of feeling worthless, or that the ones around me would be better without me. I am tired of being sad and guilty of killing my two babies. How does one live with that in their head constantly.

Powerful Thoughts

It seems the court case, the coldness of a loved one and an overload of things that need to be done is starting to take a toll on my conscience. I try to keep the darkness out but inch by inch it is taken hold of my mind. In passing I use to think of what life would be like without me in it for my family and friends but these thoughts were fleeting. It seems now I have a much harder time getting them out of my mind. I look at my girls and know they need me, that they would be lost without me. I am their world. They are keeping me here.  There are others that would be better without me here, maybe not True and Giles and certainly not Cyrus but maybe they would. I am tired. I am tired of fighting. I can't breath anymore. I need to sleep for hours, days ,years........I want to feel normal again. Is it possible?

Birthdays

"Man I am having a hard time remembering it's 2014", the lady in front of me said. "2014", that means I am 44 not 43 which I was having a hard time dealing with in the last week. 44 ugh. Part of me wants to go back to earlier, happier times. The other part of me wants to be 90 and the end is in sight. I have had a rough month, but the case settled and at least I am not in court for this wonderful celebratory day. (haha) We are 1/4 of the way through this legal battle. I don't know if I can make it much longer. I am a wreck. I shake like I have Parkinson's. I no longer can drive without images of the past crossing my mind constantly. I am miserable. The kids are back in school today. Harlen is testing bulls and took Cyrus to help. I am alone. It is so quiet here at home. I want to scream, to cry, to pray but I cannot muster up enough energy to do any of the three. I want to lay down and sleep, dream of better days but the nightmares are horrendous again. Once again I will wear the face that I keep in the jar by the door and act like I am fine, that I will have a awesome birthday and that once again our family is doing well.

Images

There are some images that are hid in the dark spaces of my mind that if I had the choice, I would never want to bring forward again; some sounds and smells that haunt my very existence.

5 years + after the accident we are still dealing with the insurance company. It has got to a point that a trial was set for January 6 ( my birthday) Garner vs. Garner. What a joke.  The fact is that we had car insurance and farm insurance on the day of the accident and yet the company refused to settle for 5 years. Letters after Letters, requests, Dr. visits, Counselor visits, more letters blaming me for killing my son, more appointments, more attorneys. Yesterday I received a letter from the attorney who is suppose to be my attorney and the insurance company's attorney (funny since we never had the same interest in this case) saying that if we couldn't get along he no longer could be our attorney and the process would begin again. Included in this letter was the knowledge that he didn't want pictures of Loughlin dead in the car be allowed in court. I have to say this is the first time I realized there were such pictures. . . .

These are the images I never want to see in my mind again, although they come, they come with each letter, with each reminder of what I did. Loughlin laying there, cold, blood; Rhiannon laying there cold, blood coming from her nose. I can hear me screaming, I killed my son, I killed my son. They won't let me stay there. They won't let me lay down beside him, just let me hold his hand...let me kiss him...let me say goodbye. don't take me away. I am fine. I want to stay with my babies, with Cyrus, with Maya.......Oh God don't let this be true....

We need some closure. I hope it settles in the next 5 days.... I feel exhausted most of the time. It has clouded our holidays and ruined Cyrus' break from school. If I could do anything I would to take this away from them. I even prayed yesterday, God how long can this ugly reminder go on?

Signs that the gloomy days of the holidays are in full throttle

1) A shower or bath is completely too much work. How many different hats do I own so I don't have to do my hair. How many days can you go before you really smell, I mean really....
2) Black Friday, what a joke, Cyber Monday seems like it could stress the senses.
3) Christmas lights and Christmas songs bring on this feeling like an unreachable itch, a burning lump in my chest. Turn them off, Turn them off!
4) What is the latest date you can put out the worn out Christmas Decorations?
5) A Christmas Poem about how happy our family is, bahahah.
6) A Family Picture, except there will never be a family picture again.
7) Sweats aren't nearly comfortable enough. I need to wear my cuddle duds underneath those ugly gray sweats and the bigger the sweatshirt the better, even if it has BYU printed on it. OUCH!
9) Flip flops are still part of the wardrobe, even if it snows.
10) When sleep used to come easy now I lay in bed and worry about everything from my kids to the nasty smell in the fridge. A diet of coffee and Rockstars is back on the menu, oh and don't forget the advil and anti-depressants.

Coming Home

Our plans for Thanksgiving took a shift when True's football team made the finals in the state playoffs. We were planning a trip to Utah to spend with my side of the family. We don't get down there very often and my parents, especially my mom, have not been in the greatest health. I was looking forward to the change of scenery and it is a halfway point for Cyrus coming from Laramie. I thought it was the perfect plan, but as with every perfect plan a screw was thrown in the machine. Cyrus decided to drive the distance. He was excited to come home and I was worried about him driving 12 hours by himself but so, so, so excited for him to be home again. I miss him everyday. I miss his sarcasm and his intelligence in every conversation. I love the way True and him interact with each other. Each of them brings out the best in the other. Everyone loves Cyrus.

On Tuesday he called at 11 am to say he was heading out. I have never had the feeling of your baby coming home. It was so strange. It was elation, and love and a fullness in my heart that I can't really explain in words. I think in the next 12 hrs, I laughed and I cried and I jumped up and down. He has been gone for just about 3 months. Rhiannon and Loughlin left but I never got this experience and it felt so strange to be happy as he walked through the door. He is leaving in about a half of an hour. I am sure I will cry, but I know now he will be back, in just 3 weeks he will be home again. I hope for the rest of my life he will come home, once in a while just to make his mom smile. I love you, Cyrus and you always make me proud.

Perspective on Death

I attended a funeral last week of my husband's friend from school. He was 45. I have a hard time attending funerals of anyone that has died before their time, my time, my perspective on how long someone should live. I was amazed at the only ones in his large family that had died before him were his grandma and grandpa. Wow. My mom's dad died before I was born and even her step dad when I was a baby. My grandpa died when I was primary age, my dad's dad. My cousin died when I was 18, she was almost 18.

Rhiannon died just a few months later, I was still 18. Harlen's grandma died when he was in high school. His uncle when we were at college. He lost his brother at 33 of a bee sting, Harlen was just 27.

His dad died 3 years later.

My grandma died on the weekend we blessed Maya.

                                       Then in 2008 we lost Loughlin.


Sometimes I judge harshly those around me that say little platitudes on losing my children, but seriously maybe they really have never felt the sting of death. Maybe losing their grandma or grandpa at 90 is the only thing they know. Maybe they really are ignorant. Maybe sympathy is so far from empathy that they are unable to feel this pain. And the biggest maybe isn't a maybe any longer.....This life is not fair. some are given a walk on the yellow brick road while others are asked to  scale Mount Everest.

 Some day we'll know why......But until then I will just ignore stupid things said by ignorant people that have no idea of how losing a child would feel.

The 7 rolls of undeveloped film.

3 days before the anniversary of Loughlin's death, Harlen brought home 7 rolls of undeveloped film he had found tucked away in a box in the food room. 

Every picture is a precious gift,a new memory, a new image for my mind, another proof that we were happy. We were so happy. 

No we weren't perfect but it felt perfect. Our kids were so content. We had so much fun together all of the time. We did everything as a family. 

I cherished every moment, and yet still 5 years later all I can think is why? 

Why couldn't I have just seen that truck? Why did I  have to be so busy that I was blinded by the rush and forgot what was really important. I would give anything to have him back, 

Why didn't God take my worthless soul and leave one so pure on this Earth? 

Harlen could have easily found a replacement for this sorry excuse of a wife and mom, but you will never replace one like Lough..... 

Oh my soul aches to see you, to hold you, to hear your voice. 

I love you so much.

5 Years

This morning marked 5 years since the accident and losing Loughlin. My day started at about 6:30 am but I didn't get up. I just laid quietly in my bed. I heard someone get up but I just laid there in my bed not moving. I was thinking about everything that happened the morning before I hit the truck, the morning that altered our lives forever. I remember being in such a hurry and back then I piled way too much on my own plate. There was a funeral that morning. I was supposed to bring a dessert, someone had a Dr.'s appointment and I was distracted. I am sure my voice was elevated as is one of my many faults. I might have even lost it a couple of times. That was me. I was that kind of mom. I remember at least being on time. Making Loughlin and Cyrus change places, it was Cyrus' turn right or was I being hard on Loughlin. Harlen always told me I was harder on him than the rest. I never meant to be. He was the oldest. He was who everyone looked up to, and he was an incredible example to all his siblings. I feel guilty, horribly guilty for this. I hope he doesn't hate me for ending his life. I hope he knows that if I was harder on him, it was because he was so strong and smart and he was going places, big places. If I had known I would only have 15 years with him, I would have not parented the way I did. I would have slowed down. I would have let him know how proud I was of him everyday. He really never disappointed me. He portrayed strength beyond his years.

At about 7:45 I could take it no more. 5 years ago it would have been over. He would have been gone. I still couldn't find the tears. I have learned to keep these tears inside as much as I can. It was the primary program at church. I had to muster the strength to go to the last place I want to be on this day. Giles and Lea had parts and Lea loves, loves, loves to sing. I broke down though when my phone buzzed and some friends had wrote on Loughlin's wall, " We love and miss you so much" . My strength melted like water on a witch. I started to cry hard/ Everyone around me thought I had been touched. I know this sounds blasphemous but I haven't been touched in years. Oh well maybe I might be taken off the call list. You know the one where the council talks about you and instructs people to call......Maybe you have never been there. Me I have been on there since 5 years ago, except for the fact that most people are scared of me because I am so damn scary and mean to so many people, that I get few assigned phone calls. (Really i don't see myself as mean but as honest, I am totally misunderstood.haha) I finally got up the nerve to tell Harlen I was going home when the program was over. He surprised me and took us all to eat wings. Loughlin loved wings. It was a nice break from the constant thought of losing Loughlin.

On the way home the heaviness came in like the mist on a winter morning. The air disappeared. I found my new best friend,(my headphones), I put them on and locked out the world. I locked out everything that is wrong around me. I locked out the way I feel about myself. I locked out the guilt that quietly haunts me every day. I came home closed my eyes and slept. I slept for hours. I wish I could have just kept sleeping until tomorrow, maybe forever.

Fall Life

"Isn't it beautiful outside?" When she said the words, I thought is it? I haven't noticed. In fact in 5 years I have yet to find anything particularly stunning during these Fall months. Did I use to like the Fall? I can't even remember. Everything now reminds me of the death of my son. The leaves on the ground and the shotguns being fired in the distance take my mind back to the area in my life that I can barely still think about 1821 days later, Loughlin, pheasant and deer hunting, The sun shining in my eyes as I drive my kids to school...Was that the reason I missed that massive Truck staring me down? I don't remember but does it really matter? Remembering that football coach that took Loughlin's position away from him because Loughlin had stayed home from camp to help his dad with the farm, now True deals with this same man. So many mixed emotions are bottled up inside this mind today. Loughlin quit. We never had ever let our kids quit after they had started a sport, but why? what a stupid standard. He was right. I got to spend more time with him. It was actually a blessing but do I thank the ass who made him feel less than adequate, that still feels he should make boys trying their best feel these same feelings? No. I have a hard time looking at him. Cyrus at school exceeding, what an incredible blessing but shouldn't I have two there? September 18th was his 20th birthday. I remember that. I was having a hard time. Cyrus gone, but who can I talk to?,When the person who loves you most tells you that at some point you have to get on with life. Why would you open up to anyone else. doesn't anyone out there feel this pain? The pain that crushes my heart at each morning prayer, that we will be safe. What is safe? If heaven is a better place wouldn't it in all likelihood be better for all of us to be dead and gone, safe, happy? The cliches' about losing a child are mind numbing, nauseating, none of which are true. I really hate this life without my two children but Loughlin's loss is fresh. Rhiannon's seems a lifetime ago, when being an unwed mother was a scarlet letter seared to your chest, so to talk about a child out of such a scandal would be blasphemy. So I never talked. I just shoved it down deep in my soul, never to see the light, never to be heard of again. There is no room left to shove the pain of losing Loughlin. The holes are all full. Where would you like me to put this pain if I can not show it, talk about it? Did you see me driving down the road, alone in my van, screaming my angst to the world? I looked crazy I know but when have I ever cared how I looked or what you thought? I heard the story of the deal making mama again the other day. My hell if it were that easy don't you think we would have all made a deal with God?
Protect my kids and I will teach them to walk in your light. And yet the darkness you have bestowed on my heart I no longer can see your light. Sometimes there is a beacon in the distance but the tumultuous waves that keep engulfing every part of my being hide the light from me. The cold and dark waters do not allow me to see or feel the light. I grow so weary. If not for these beautiful children that look to me for their every need, I would fall down upon my knees, ask to be smited, asked to be freed from this misery. So is it beautiful out there? Today might not be the day to ask...........

Loughlin's 20th Birthday

Happy Birthday my Son!

20 years ago today Loughlin came into our lives. He was born with a fighting, never give up spirit that carried him through his short but memorable life. 

At 6 weeks of age he came down with pneumonia and I thought I was going to lose him too. 

Sometimes I wonder if my prayers gave me the extra 15 years that he got to spend with us. Other times I wonder if there is a God at all, for if there were a God He had to know how much I loved my son and how this would alter this happy family. 

                       

I miss you Loughlin...every moment of every day...

We have changed so much through these 5 years. 

Leaving Cyrus at Wyoming

Cyrus is in his first term at the University of Wyoming. I miss him. Having him around is like non-stop entertainment and stimulating conversation for me. 

New Room

Text and Email just hasn't been able to replace it. He loves it and I want so much for him to succeed. 12 hours is a long ways to drive. I can't just jump in the van and go and see him. 

We are new Cowboy fans though.

Last year showing together

True is a Sophomore in high school. He has grown to a whopping 6ft. 2 in. tall.He is really smart also.

 Last year he missed 31 days of school and yet still pulled a 4.0. He loves football and baseball and exceeds in both. He isn't the happy go lucky kid he use to be though.

Maya is in 8th grade playing volleyball and working hard at keeping up her grades. 

She reminds of Cyrus in 8th grade. She is the first one up and she does homework into the wee hours. She is so very sweet and kind.

Giles started middle school this year. He is playing two leagues of football because they bumped him up to Middle School ball because of his size and yet he still wants to play with his friends. 

He still loves to sit by his mom and read all kinds of books.

Lea is my baby and in 4th grade. She is full of energy and still sings her heart out. She writes me love notes all of the time and always gives me hugs. She is that 1 in a 1000 lottery win. She keeps me going when I think I can do no more.