Depression is a killer dsease

Having depression and PTSD is terminal yet no one knows, It isn't contagious although people think it is. It is for the most part  a death sentence , Now we can add mania and bipolar to the mix.

I had another migraine yesterday and another shot. I am going to go broke with the cost. I am a bit stoned still today so bear with me.

Parent Teacher conference was last Friday, What a joy. Lots of people, Lots of kids, Teachers that have no passion for their work. A choir teacher that is so horrendous that the select choir has gone from 40 to 15. How sad. She gave Maya a D-. WTF she shows up everyday, sings what else is needed. She looked and what do you know she had calculated things wrong. Surprise,surprise, surprise. The kids received chromebooks at the first of the year. They make the teachers lazy. I hate school. I always have even when it was me.

A break from the mundane

5 days of baseball in Bend and John Day. Maya is supposed to be taking stats for the baseball team again but they have decided they only have money for the BOYS and her commitment to take stats means nothing. So I didn't want her to miss out of this opportunity. I drove her to Bend and we stayed the night. t was an invaluable time together. She is a senior and she will be leaving soon for college. We talked and laughed and watched stupid things on the TV. A day later we were off to John Day to stay in a cheap hotel and freeze our asses off. Lea tagged along because Harlen was delivering bulls. She didn't want to go but she had a blast. We ate too much , laughed too hard. Giles got to pitch n Bend and in John Day he played 1st base and pitched. He really did a great job and I was glad I could watch him. 5 days away from home was just what the doctor ordered. I was cold 90% of the time. The hotel smelled like an old folks home but I didn't think about the problems at home, maybe once or twice.

Then I came home to knowing Cyrus ran out of medication and some people thinking he is doing better. Better? 3 months with only being called a cunt, bitch whore and accusing me of killing Rhiannon and Loughlin. Hey that's something!

Momma said there would be days like this..............

I could say I woke up in a foul mood, but you would actually have to sleep to wake up in any kind of mood. I am obsessed with checking Cyrus' Facebook account to see if he is awake like me. 2 nights ago we were both up all night, him posting, me waiting to see his posts. Then I spent the day at a volleyball tournament with Lea. The noise and the people in such a small area put my PTSD in full throttle. I am out of valium. I took it way to often with everything that is going on in my life. Now I am stuck in a constant state of panic. The brontosaurus that is resting on my chest refuses to move. I picked the brontosaurus because an elephant just doesn't explain the feeling and when Loughlin was a child the long neck was his favorite dinosaur. I can't get over the words of my supposed loving husband that I am the spawn of the devil and I caused Cyrus' mental illness. It makes me sick. I have the worst problem with guilt anyway I just want to thank him for adding to it. I killed Rhiannon because I did not wake up on time. I killed Loughlin because I can't drive a fucking suburban to school in the morning and now I am responsible for. Cyrus because I am angry at God and I don't follow my husband's religion. He teaches Gospel Doctrine in church. Sunday's lesson was on Abraham and Sara and Sodom and Gomorrah . I told him that God condones Adultery, Rape and Incest. He didn't think I was funny, but really Abraham and Hagar, Lot's daughters got him drunk and raped him. OMG and I am the malevolent one.

I hate that I sit in silence about Cyrus' illness. Why is mental illness frowned upon? If he was suffering from kidney disease everyone would be concerned. They would check in on him. They would feel empathy for him. Instead they treat him like a leper. Do you know what I would give to talk to Cyrus again, just for 5 minutes, 10. I miss him so much. It is like he is here but a shell. Have I already lost him?

Reintroduction & Persecution

Last week Harlen and I delivered bulls. We took them to an incredible guy that Harlen knows very well. I guess I had met him before but i don't remember. He and his wife have been through hell this last year. False accusations ruined is life. But last Monday his son committed suicide in the most horrifying way. He had been fighting mental illness for years and he was done. I haven't slept well since. I am scared for Cyrus. OMG I could not live through losing another child.

Why this happened to our family? Well Harlen told me last night it is because of me. It is because I curse God for taking my kids. It is because I don't believe, that I don't do everything his God requires, so Cyrus getting sick is my FAULT. If only I was a better person. Organized religion is a plague on society.

48 years old

I am 48. I feel twice my age. Not so much physically as mental, emotional. I feel like I have lived an entire life. I am so tired. Losing Cyrus, not to death, but to me. The hole in my soul just keeps getting larger. The cold air blows through it. The heart is frozen.

I think my family would be better without me. My body should be cremated and scattered across the ocean. I will forever be at peace with the sounds of the waves, the trees and rocks, the blue water surrounds me.

Maya is a senior. She is getting totally ripped off because her mom is fucking insane. I took her pictures last week but I can't even get the energy to edit them and send them off to the printers. I have bills and taxes to get done but my mind is worthless. My hubby wishes he was married to a better version of me. He wouldn't leave me, but he lets me know how disappointed he is in my abilities in this life, There are so many women who are amazing. I am a joke.

Will he Remember

Will he recall?

Will he recall?

When he was small?

The trips to the coast?

You caught the most?

The many drives to the lake?

Papa’s bear for God’s sake?

Will he remember?

The fun every December?

Waiting up for Santa Clause?

Riding the motorcycle at Papa’s?

Our trips every year to Red Bluff?

Breaking the steers tough?

Will he be reminiscence?

His mind showing puissance?

The simple jokes he told at the table?

When our life was fun and stable?

Our trip to Denver to listen to Dylan?

Will his mind be willin’?

Styx and Def Leopard for the 1^st time?

That Boy Scout Climb?

How much I love him?

All before it seemed so grim?

That's the night the lights went out in Nyssa

Monday night Harlen had a meeting in Ontario for 4H. At about 7:30pm Cyrus walked in our house. He was not himself, well not what he was 3 months ago. He was spitting mad. He wanted to take all the family games and sell them. He started in on calling me names. Giles and Maya tried to protect their mama and Cyrus went after them. He called Maya bad names and threw Giles to the ground. He threw our barstools down and stomped them until they were broken. I was so scared for my kids. Giles called True and True came up and broke most of the fight. It was horrible. My PTSD is full throttle. Cyrus left and Harlen came home. Everyone wanted me to call the cops but I couldn't do it. I couldn't watch him being handcuffed and taken away.

Today is another day. True somehow by the grace of God has got Cyrus to the Dr. He said he would take the medicine if Cyrus would. Sometimes you just know you have raised a great kid. Maya and Giles stood up to Cyrus and tried to protect me. They showed their love in a great way. I hope this chapter in our lives ends soon. I am exhausted.

Another year and Another sale

The 2018 sale came off with a boom, well a crackle. It wasn't our greatest but it was average. I am grateful it was that good. It turned out to be the coldest day of the year and cowboys were calving out their calves. We are blessed we have customers that still show up and support our program and our family.

Terrible timing

Our sale is on the 20th of February. I am almost paralyzed. I am worthless in trying to get things done around here. I cannot think of anything but Cyrus. I cry most of the day long. They put me on another med to take away my migraines and lower my blood pressure, but it just makes me sleep. Inept would be the word to describe my physical well being. My God I have lost 2 children and my 3rd is teetering on the brink.

A 4 day Migraine

Last week was tough. I had a migraine that would not subside unless I was asleep from the shots they give me. I received 3 of them. Today the headache finally broke. Health, Mind, Soul. My health is horrible. I am overweight. I eat whatever the hell I want when I want. My mind is a jumble of demented thoughts. I am sad most of the time. I pretend. The sale is less than 3 weeks away, but I cannot even think that I can make it through this. My underlying thought is we will fail and have to sale this fucking place and live and work a normal job. you know now that is positive. Soul, well my soul belongs in hell with the demons slowly peeling my skin off my flesh. For how long I would make it I do not know nor do I care. I could make friends though, aah probably not I am not very good at that either. What is the going rate for 2 dead children and one crazy one.

On the upside the water is back on, but there is a whole in the wall in my closet. The basement is still drying out but someday it will be back to normal, unlike my life. My life will never be normal again. If there is an apocalypse I beg for it to come soon. Puppy is home hey good news. Harlen's sister is back with her ex after we tried for months to help her get a divorce. yeehaaaaaaw

Random thought #2,162

Life seems a little deranged as of late ok a lot. It seems that it will never be normal again, but what again is normal. I am tired and fighting migraines. If the shots didn't cost $80 a piece I would get one everyday.

We finished the catalog for the bull sale. It is a big job on an ordinary year, but this year is anything but normal. Here is a sample of Harlen and I


https://drive.google.com/file/d/1tjIsJE5mzJf5Cv5c0cIY7Oe7OFlweTvI/view?usp=drivesdk

I have lost my best friend, which I know is strange in itself, but I miss him. I miss his laugh. I miss his deep conversation about literature, music and movies. I just miss him. It seems so cruel to let him have so much success then rip it from his hands. It doesn't matter what anyone says it will never ne the same. He hates me. He won't talk to me. After losing two children to death, you finally feel as a parent he is 22, married, graduating with great grades, getting a job within 2 weeks of graduating and then poof like an evil spell it was all gone. This is like losing another child.

Our pipe broke between the shower and my closet wall and flooded the basement again. We haven't had water for 5 days. I survived 2 floods in one year. Noah doesn't have anything on us.

Our little puppy got Parvo and was at the vet for 4 days but he is going to make it. I love my dogs so much. They are my solace when I am home alone.

Harlen's sister made a half hearted attempt to commit suicide on Tuesday night. She took Cymbalta of all things.Taking too many antidepressants doesn't make you less depressed. I could name 15 better medications than that if you really wanted to get the job done. I know I sound callous but that is how it goes when your son is dying in front of your eyes.

Harlen came running in the house yesterday needing help getting heifers in. I was still in my night shirt. he said just come. i put my coat on, my boots and headed out. Little did I know our hired man and his son was outside. The sun was peeking through the clouds like a voyeur laughing at the misery I call my life . My legs are showing they haven't been shaven for months. My hair is a mess, but I am wearing my sock monkey beanie Maya gave me for Christmas.

Harlen keeps telling me other people have lives like ours, yah no!

Soul & Heart

I can sit for hours and watch a fire burn.
The language he uses sits in my gut and churns.
The nausea. The acid rises in my throat.
I see he left me a personal note.
Am I really a whore? Or is he being cruel.
My mind should but my heart and soul rule.

Valhalla

Dreams of blades
Consciousness fades
Floating in my lake.
My life you can take.
Just leave me in the dark sapphire
So far from the bog and the mire.
I will never sink.
Not time to think.
This could be my Valhalla.
My own private galla.

Grave

Manic
Panic
Frantic
Grave
Crazy
Hazy
Scorsese
Slave
Mad
Sad
Grad
Cave
Unhinged
Avenged
Syringed
Brave
Hell
Quale
Rebel
Forgave

Migraine

I received a shot today for a horrible migraine.  Stress is ugly. Life is tiring.

My 4th worst birthday

I know I sound so self absorbed lately. I am. Is this about me? No it isn't but the exhaustion weakens me. The never ending trials absorbs my resolve to want to fight on. Even the kids aren't enough to keep me here. I don't care if there is even an after world. I just want a non stop very hot vacation.
If I ranked my birthdays I would certainly put the 2 years after losing Loughlin as the worst. There was one that I thought my mom was going to surprise me with a party, but she just forgot. So trivial now but then it was huge. Yesterday started out incredible. Maya made me the breakfast of my dreams. She is so sweet. I love her more than life itself. That isn't enough. Because I don't love life at all. I love her more than the most perfect painting ever created or my favorite novel. I love her. I love all my children like that but Maya is my sunshine.
I got a new recliner also. A good place to fall asleep forever.
The problem is the underlying darkness in my life. It is taking over. I hate right now. I hate. I hate. I hate. I hate. How do I go on? How do I find the strength to push through, to get the catalog done, to run the sale? Come and take it all away. The place on the hill above my biggest mistake, the one where I killed my son is up for grabs. Take the fucking thing. Take me. Let the others start from scratch. I lost my confidant. I lost my friend. I am losing another one....... Surely this is more than enough. Job aint got nothing on me.

Whole

Your words are like razor blades to the soul.
Sure the wounds will heal, but I'll never be whole

Fear

A new year

A well known fear

The future isn t clear.

Hoping death is near.

I put up a good fight.

The victory is never in sight.

In the darkness ,little light.

Everything I try nothing is right.

I am exhausted from trying.

My eyes are dry from crying.

My mind tires of lying .

My thoughts centered on dying.

I am a failure in every way.

Good intentions everyday.

A lifetime crushed with what you say.

Never again will life be okay.

A noose would be sufficient.

A gun, I am proficient.

Tylenol, the most efficient.

Ask God he is omniscient.

Can a pin cushion wear out?

With your God I have no clout.

He keeps poking and sticking, abandoning the pins in.

Leaving bitter reminders of where I have been.

There's some empty spaces left if you maneuver.

The love is gone what's left is only a reprover.

He has been through so much pain.

Hitting him harder what do you have to gain?

Let him alone.

Lend him your throne.

Stability is what  he needs.

He's only human of course he bleeds.

His heart is damaged beyond repair.

But you keep on poking through his despair.

Fair?

Of course not you. You taught me at 8.

Teaching me that Hell is my only fate.

God he is begging down on his knees. 

His mom is crying while you ignore her pleas.

You enjoy using me as your muse.

Leaving no marks a pin prick, no bruise.

Will you be satisfied when you have it all?

School me once again, you are the almighty and I am so small.

I have no power. You have stolen it from me.

I am blind. I am deaf and now I can't speak.

The carnage around is deep and it reaks.

I call uncle. I submit

I never thought that would happen. I'll admit.

Just leave my kids alone. Cyrus being persecuted at BSU for his Christian beliefs.

"They want you to sit not stand.
For what you believe in. Clench your hand.
To show your passion. Your face is red.
But it has been that way from birth until your dead.
See no evil. Hear no evil, don't speak it either.
Toe the line, don't use your mind. Be a believer.
There is a war a brewing. 
Stop what you are doing. 
Pay attention to the cause.
The bloodied should make you pause.
A revolution in your own mind. 
Don't leave the One on the cross behind.
He is the only hope. 
Without it is just a rope.
Peace is found in the Creator.
Love in the heart there is nothing greater."
Me

Please pray for Cyrus as he is just 8 days from graduating as an exemplary student. The administration at Boise State is treating Cyrus like a criminal. They said his speech of Christ was threatening. My God where has this world gone? Hell would be the correct answer.

On the upside I have found my faith again. When you have no where else to go God is the answer. I prayed that someone would step up to help Cyrus and the next morning the American Center For Law and Justice agreed to represent Cyrus. Hoping for the best but preparing for the worst. 

#Metoo is not nearly enough

My sexual abuse started when I was a lee lady, at the age of 8. My swim coach would get in the pool with us to try to "improve our technique".  He would in the most innocent way, stick his hands up the crotch of my swimsuit, not on top, but deep inside where I had been told was precious, holy, that should not be defiled, but it was and I was left dirty, an 8yr old whore.
Count 8 years later. Me and a friend of mine were asked to go to an older guys apartment.  They had free  booze. How could this rebellious teen refuse. When we arrived there were 4 men. 2 I knew well. They were married. I remember so much. The smells, the Seagram's golden wine cooler. I drank too much, way too much. I crawled to the bedroom to sleep it off.  I was passed out. I woke up to a 250lb man laying on top of me. The smell of beer lingered in the air. I couldn't breathe. He had ripped my panties off and was raping me. I was out if it. I couldn't even scream. He pinned my arms above my head. I wriggled as much as I could, but my intoxicated body was no match. I was bleeding when I finally gained consciousness.  I kept silent. He was a member of the bishopric.  Who would believe me,  a troubled girl who was drinking at the time? After all I had always been a troubled child. These stories on the news are triggering me to the point of panic. The 80's was not the time for sexual assault. Don't ask . Don't tell should have been the slogan of the era. His weight.  His breath. The pain. There is no safe spaces.
That night he took my virginity.
He took my dignity.
He took my childhood.
He took that life.

I never told. He went on to be successful.  I have lived through so many trials.
Life is Fair.
I am not ok
Can I have a do over?

Temple Trip

Fun night at the Temple open house. Harlen and I, Giles and Brenda plus Jenny Brenda's sister.

Then I tripped over the parking curb and cracked a rib. I am getting old.

Funeral for my dad's older brother

Traveled to Utah last Thursday and Friday for my uncles funeral. This is the 4 boys as youngsters.  From left Gary, then above Dave;, in front Steven, my grandma's angel she lost at 3., last but certainly not least, my dad. Uncle Gary was a good man. He was very successful.  He tried to help me after losing Rhiannon.  I think he secretly was glad he didn't have a kid like me. He was my dad's best friend.  My dad was 100% blue collar. They still treat him like the black sheep.  He wasn't ever. Money isn't everything but perseverance is. He has struggled with everyone of us wayward children but he never gave up. He is my hero and so much better than he was treated. My grandma's sisters were always right about him.

Homecoming Weekend and Lea's last game of the season

Giles Brenda Maya Steve
Homecoming 2017

Beautiful Night for some really great Kids.

I love them all so much! 

https://www.facebook.com/harlenkendalee.garner/videos/1718850148128140/

Lea's last service of the year. Video above

Look what is down our hill............

Do you see the truck at the end of the lane? Sure it is further than that horrible morning, but it is there, and the corn is being harvested in the field. This is triggering me to the point my head is foggy. No it isn't ok to park it there. You would think you would know that.

The pain has subsided just in time for October to bring the feelings of sadness and guilt again.

My family tree is broken and diseased. 

Some one help me please.

I am on my knees.

Some day this guilt will ease.

Trying

Trying

I feel like dying.

So tired of trying.

Wake-up Blue.

Aching all through

My distorted form.

Wishing I was never born.

I’m weary every moment

Time is my opponent.

Every day is a marathon.

I am far from a paragon

Is there an easier way?

Do I have to stay?

In a place with so much pain.

When there is nothing to gain.

Peace seems out of my reach.

Grief is my personal leach.

Happy 24th Birthday Loughlin

Today Loughlin would have been 24 years old. I can't believe it has been 9 years. I can't also believe that we have survived 9 birthdays without you. I miss you every moment. I love you. My heart is full today, but broken in pieces.

Today I just wanted to die

We are coming up on another one of Loughlin's birthdays. He would have been 24, but he isn't . He is dead. I have had one of those days. Those days when you think that you have had enough. The kind of day I have more than a couple of times a year. I had almost convinced myself to give up. My kids are doing well. They probably would be better off without me. I am doing bookwork that I hate, no that I despise. My anxiety is unbearable. I was even dreaming of ways to do it so that Harlen would still get the life insurance . He would be better without me. I can't breathe any longer. I want it to end.

2 hrs later, Lea has a volleyball game and life looks a little better. 

Maybe I can make it another day.