Panic, fear, anxiety........Every morning when I open my eyes, the room feels as if the oxygen has been depleted. I breath in but there is never any fulfillment. My head spins just enough to nauseate me. I have 5 children to get up and get moving. I struggle through, not wanting them to know where I am at. I have been crazy long enough. Crazy, how long have I been this way. Oh it's been worse, so much worse, times I don't recall, times people remind me of. I am trying now, trying to get through, to be happy, to be successful. Sometimes I feel like staying in bed, pulling the covers over my head, not wanting to go out, not wanting to be seen, to have to talk, today is that day. Breathing is a luxury to me, thinking clearly a gift. The grief now feels so overwhelming, the sorrow uncontainable. It seems the two go hand in hand. I pray for some sort of easement. I pray for strength from my Father. I am waiting. I am trying so hard to make it...........

Life, Faith and Miracles

The lesson in R.S. today was on faith, blessings and miracles. I have had many close friends and family members pray for miracles, only to never see them fulfilled. I am happy for those that have had miracles touch their lives. I am grateful to a kind Heavenly Father that sends some of us the miracles we desire. I know faith is required to receive such blessings. I also know that some of the greatest people in the world don't receive their miracle. I have seen with my own eyes the faith that these wonderful friends, the sincere desire in which they asked for these things, sometimes for themselves but also for their loved ones.

I remember at 17, knowing my beautiful cousin was losing her battle with cancer, being on my knees praying for her to be healed, watching my incredible aunt and uncle suffer as their oldest daughter fought with all of her might to win, I am sure they tried everything they could to aid in her struggle for her life, but their miracle never came.

I also remember watching one of my closest friend's daughter struggle with that same cancer that took my cousin. I don't know if I have ever met greater people than her and her husband. Faith, fasting, blessings, doctors, everything was tried but they never got their miracle either.

Then their is my husband, also and incredibly faithful man and wonderful if I don't say so myself. I watched his father struggle for as many years as I knew him with bad health. Doctors, prayers, fasting, blessings and even after his heart failed him in the hospital praying for a miracle but once again that miracle never came.

All around me there are miracles, big and small happening everyday. Are those lucky few more faithful? I have a firm belief that our Father in Heaven is in control and only He sends those miracles. It isn't a greater faith, or a more righteous few that are the recipients. It is His plan. I am still trying to remember this each day. I believe it takes great faith to go on even after your miracle doesn't come. Faith is to hope for things that are not seen. Miracles are seen, so they do not increase your faith. Having your loved ones taken from you leaving sorrow and emptiness, increases your faith, your hope, your desire for an eternal family.

"Charity suffereth long"

It is difficult to explain the experience of passing through a long trial. Each day is difficult but the cumulative effect of facing challenges day after day magnifies the burden. When we start off on a long journey up a steep mountain, our first steps aren't too hard. As we continue to hike though, all of the steps that came before make each new step harder and harder. If someone hadn't seen the mountain and didn't know what the incline was and only seen us at the summit, they would conclude that we aren't in very good shape or that we aren't very good climbers. When in fact, just the opposite is true, we are in great shape.

It is not wise to compare our crosses, although many of us get caught up in doing just that. Each of us have struggles and trials, not everyone is equal. This is one of my biggest burdens in this life. I have a hard time with the fairness of it all. I want a game to be fair. I want punishment to be fair. I want life to be fair, but none of these things ever come about. I need to find enough faith to understand that God is in control, not me. If I could do just that, the guilt that I feel might be lifted and my hearts burden be eased.

If life didn't have to move forward and your kids would stay the same age as when you lost your child, it would be so much easier. I watch Cyrus grow, what seems like everyday. He is taller than me now. He looks so grown up. I can't stop my mind from wondering what Loughlin would look like, how tall he would be, what he would be doing. I miss him so much. I miss his laugh, his smile, his shoes on my kitchen floor, his backpack in the doorway. I miss him wanting to go hunting every minute of every day. I missed him so much fishing on Saturday. He loved it so much. 17, he would be blessing the Sacrament, driving, dating. I watch his friends in church and it hurts my heart. Today I am struggling, struggling to catch my breath, struggling to see a silver lining in this life. The anxiety is overwhelming. God help me to see my blessings and recognize the love that surrounds me. Please help heal my broken heart.

Happy Birthday Son!

Today you would be 17 and it is so hard not to sit and wonder what you would be, what you would look like, what you would be doing...Every minute of each day I miss you. The hole you left in our lives will never be filled. It always seems like something is missing everywhere we go. We are going to the dam today to fish, something you loved to do. I hope Heavenly Father blesses us today that we might feel you near, feel your love......

17 years ago today.......

17 years ago today, Harlen and I were living and taking care of his Grandpa. While walking up the stairs my water broke, but my labor never started. Later in the afternoon the doctor asked us to come in and he would start me on the pit. It seems like yesterday. We were so excited for this new baby to come into our lives. We went to the hospital with both blue and pink because we wanted it to be a surprise. 8 hours of labor and a beautiful 8lb 10 oz baby boy came into this world. He would be born at 12:05 am the next day.

Tomorrow Loughlin will be 17. We miss him so much, my heart aches with every passing moment today.

Putting your faith in the right place.

In the last few months I have done some deep investigating into my soul and my psyche. I always thought I had strong faith, an unwavering testimony. I never thought that I put too much of that faith in the people around me but I did. After losing Rhiannon, I turned to my Savior for relief from the pain. I didn't have anyone else to turn to. I don't think I realized how much I laid at his feet. He gladly received my pain, my questions, my anger. In return I felt His love, His healing.

After losing Loughilin, I was so sad and angry. I felt complete responsibility for his death. I had been driving, I hadn't seen the truck, I had made Loughlin switch places with Cyrus. I was so hard on them. I was trying to be a good mom. I was trying to do what was asked of me. It seemed I always fell so short, on motherhood, housekeeping, being a good wife, book keeping, irrigating or being a student. Whatever I tried, I felt inadequate. If only I had been living more righteous this would have never happened. If only I had told him I loved him that morning or every morning. If I had taken him to get his permit or given him that 15th birthday party. I should have. I am rambling and my thoughts are amiss but I am trying to make a point. It wasn't just after his death but throughout my whole marriage, I never felt capable of much. I knew my every fault but I never could see what I did well. I still struggle with this concept. Because of this feeling of inadequacy, I put my faith in others, I stole my strength from others. Loughlin's death and the trials that followed took my sorrows and anger to new depths. I was angry mostly at God and how could I put my faith in someone that had taken so much. I tried to go to him but I was kicking and screaming and pounding on that door. I remember thinking ,"Ask and it shall be given you, knock and it shall be open", but the door not only felt closed but dead bolted. I never felt a molecule of the Spirit around me, maybe close after his death, I felt His arms around me but the more dark I became the less light was to be held. Not until I read, A Grief Observed, CS Lewis did I understand that happening. He said something close to who would open a door when a crazed lunatic is on the other side, yelling and screaming and cursing his name, kicking and punching anything that came close to them. I had to hit rock bottom, I had to become humble again. Now I knock and he answers, I cry out to him but with a sincere voice and he listens. He has changed my heart, has allowed me to love again, to empathize again, to see some good in my existence. I had to humble myself to know that I couldn't get through this without some help from doctors and counselors, It was a process. It is hard to admit such a thing but after trying some of the meds, I have realized I should have been on the medicine since I was a teenager. I had thought death an answer to my problems, not that I would have done that but I wished each day not to wake, or for something awful to happen to me, the pain, sadness, fear, anxiety so great that I couldn't see a way out. Today I have learned that only through my Savior can I make it, only through my obedience to his teachings will I find my way home again. That is where I am placing my faith. People are human and the fail sometimes, but Christ will never fail us.

The result in this, is a greater love for my husband and children and hope again. I feel so solemn in the promise of hope. It calms my aching heart, eases the fear and anxiety I wake up with. I still haven't found the right medicine but I have found some that help. I can see the light again. I can slow down my thoughts enough to solve some of my problems. I am a work in progress.

It isn't Fair but.......

Elaine Shaw Sorensen said,"Grace transcends mortal rules of justice. Life is not a mechanical scale of effort or suffering on one side balanced by the appropriate reward on the other. Life is a process of growth, where growth itself becomes the reward. I tired long ago of hearing promises of some future mortal reward equal to my suffering, as when well-meaning friends foresee financial security or loving companionship in a future whose happiness will outweigh the sadness of my past. The deceiving logic of such an idea implies that when life goes on, droning with problems, with no glory in sight, I am not yet worthy or perhaps have not yet suffered enough. That is unsettling, when all around, those apparently less righteous or less tried seem to be reaping the glorious gifts of this earth.
The fact is that trials are neither distributed equally nor sorted according to a subsequent and matching earthly or heavenly treasure. Problems are neither price nor penance for credit toward some misconceived idea of payment. Instead life itself, even eternal life, with growth, hope and peace promised by the Savior's Atonement, becomes its own reward, offering divine gifts of the Spirit. The proving question is not What will I gain or achieve but Who will I become?"

I found this quote yesterday in a book that I bought at Seagull. It struck me. Since Loughlin's death, I have had numerous people tell me that everyone suffers, everyone has trials, this is just another trial for me and I need to cope with it. I would look and see that seemingly everyone around me had all of their children and loved ones. They were smiling. Where would there trials be? The answer to my question was that not all trials are out for the world to see but I was sure in my mind that if a trial is great enough the world sees it. This is the first time that I have read that not everyone is equal, that your life won't miraculously turn into bliss overnight because you have suffered so. We are not as Job and everything will not be returned to us 10 fold. Sometimes you will struggle through life. Sometimes trials bring on new trials and new trials but one thing I have found is that it does no good to run or to bury your head in the sand, or to turn away from God. I was not swallowed by a great fish but by darkness nonetheless. I feel as though I have been spit out and now I understand what I must do and through my Savior's Love, He will make it possible for me to endure to the end and find joy once again.

10 months

Not one call in 10 months, except when you were forced. Is this how it is suppose to be?

Leprosy would be a gift, to be banished to my own island with ones who feel the same as me, would be a relief.

With Him

I want to write about so many things today. I want to blame my angst on someone. I want to vent and scream and pout and cry. I want someone to understand. I want to talk about dropping balls and saying sorry to others and a lot of things but I am just angry and sad and having so much self-pity. I want to strike out in this anger and hit whatever is closest, whatever I can reach, with as much energy as I have left, but then my soul is saying, haven't you been angry long enough, haven't you tried hard enough to help others understand, haven't you tried to carry this burden by yourself. Give it to the only One that can help, that can understand, realize you are nothing without Him and He is the only thing that matters, with Him everything is possible without Him, well you have tried that.

A few Quotes.....

"Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery's shadow or reflection: the fact that you don't merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer. I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief."- C.S. Lewis

I read C.S Lewis' , A Grief Observed this last week and loved it, have started it again. I think it would be great reading for anyone that has lost someone close to them or would like to know what it feels like to lose someone you love.

"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear."- C.S. Lewis

"Talk to me about the truth of religion and I'll listen gladly. Talk to me about the duty of religion and I'll listen submissively. But don't come talking to me about the consolations of religion or I shall suspect that you don't understand."- C.S. Lewis

It is hard to have patience with people who say 'There is no death' or 'Death doesn't matter.' There is death. And whatever it is, matters. And whatever happens has consequences, and it and they are irrevocable and irreversible. You might as well say that birth doesn't matter."- C.S. Lewis

I was lost.......

Luke 15:3-7 (King James Version)
3And he spake this parable unto them, saying,
4What man of you, having an hundred sheep, if he lose one of them, doth not leave the ninety and nine in the wilderness, and go after that which is lost, until he find it?
5And when he hath found it, he layeth it on his shoulders, rejoicing.
6And when he cometh home, he calleth together his friends and neighbours, saying unto them, Rejoice with me; for I have found my sheep which was lost.
7I say unto you, that likewise joy shall be in heaven over one sinner that repenteth, more than over ninety and nine just persons, which need no repentance.

One sinner that repenteth........Do you only rescue after repentance or see it in your heart to help as the sheep stands on a cliff overlooking the ocean with no other place to go?

Shout it from the Rooftops!

Doesn't it seem every time we turn on the TV there is some politician telling us that they are helping us....or a so called star telling us how great they are....or a new medicine that is going to change the world but then again if you have to tell me you are helping me or that you are wonderful or that you can cure me, you probably can't or you probably aren't. What is that old adage???? Actions speak louder than words, or get up off your knees and get busy...I could go on but I think you get the jest.

Luke 18:9-14
9And he spake this parable unto certain which trusted in themselves that they were righteous, and despised others:
10Two men went up into the temple to pray; the one a Pharisee, and the other a publican.
11The Pharisee stood and prayed thus with himself, God, I thank thee, that I am not as other men are, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even as this publican.
12I fast twice in the week, I give tithes of all that I possess.
13And the publican, standing afar off, would not lift up so much as his eyes unto heaven, but smote upon his breast, saying, God be merciful to me a sinner.
14I tell you, this man went down to his house justified rather than the other: for every one that exalteth himself shall be abased; and he that humbleth himself shall be exalted.

"Lord Save Me"

When I was young I spent a lot of time at the swimming pool. I was remembering this morning that one of my favorite things to do was to walk around the pool on the edge of the gutter. I was always trying to make it around the whole pool without losing my balance. I was a great swimmer so if I did fall I could always get myself to the ledge and climb back out. I remember plenty of times people getting in the way of my goal and me finding a way to maneuver around them, yet sometimes they were the reason I lost my balance and fell in. In my life I have had wonderful people who have tried to help me get to the end of my journey, that knew I frequently lost my way and yet never judged, knew the obstacles that were placed before me, maybe never felt the same obstacles but were close enough to me to see my struggle but on the other hand I have had many who inadvertently or purposely blocked my way. Maybe if given the benefit of the doubt, they were trying to make it harder, to make me stronger. Yet sometimes it felt as if they were standing on the cement and thought it funny to give me a big push and now days I am not a great swimmer and do not love the water. As those that have pride in their own heart want to punish or make me stronger stand on the side of this pool, as I struggle to catch my breath and even as I doggy paddle my way to the ledge, use their foot to push me under, so that I cannot hold on any longer, so that I sink into the darkness once again. I am holding my breath hoping when I emerge, they have moved out of my way so that I can pull myself out or so that someone who actually wants to help me can stand in their place and reach their arm out like the Savior did to Peter, because I am crying out "Lord save me".

Understanding

I always tried to give others the benefit of the doubt but I am starting to believe that most have to touch a stove to know it's hot. I wanted to believe that to some degree someone might know that after losing two children a mom's anger might be hard to explain. That waking one morning after you missed your alarm to feed your two week old baby girl, to find her cold and lifeless, blood coming from her nose, to watch your mom work for what seemed a lifetime breathing air back in her lungs, knowing all of the time that she was gone , and somehow you made it through, that you found your way back from that abysmal place, some how you found a way to move on to find joy in your life, to love again, to enjoy your children, to think you got six more babies past the stage of wondering if they would live through the night only to be doing what you thought was best for them and keeping them off that horrible bus and driving them to school, not to see that truck, but now responsible for yet another cold lifeless child laying next to you, knowing you would never enjoy his graduation, his marriage, his mission, his first baby, never to feel his arms around me telling me he loves me ever again on this earth. Anger is a second emotion to cover up the massive sorrow that still lingers in my heart, the questioning, the self pity that I know that I am putting myself through but sometimes feel helpless to claw my way out of it. To have someone try to explain to me that I have to find what is important in life, all of those things marriages, missions, baby's blessings that I will never experience with my two children. Do you really think I don't know what is important? In some corner of your mind don't you know that I am trying with every cell in my body to swim in this mighty current? Sometimes I may go under and curse the name that has given me these waves but at other times I know this is as a trip to the dentist and it is painful but He loves me and wants me to make it through and that I love Him for keeping his arms around me even though I kick and scream and yell out in agony at the state of my being, my soul, my heart. Why can't you see it?