6 months

Today marks 6 months since the accident and the loss of Loughlin. Ironically it is Monday the 27th. I can't breath. I think I am having an anxiety attack. How could this have happened? Why couldn't I have been more careful, drove safer, opened my eyes. Waking up each morning with the responsibility of the death of your oldest son on your conscience is almost unbearable at times, , the responsibility of Cyrus not ever fitting in to his life, that should be wonderful and carefree but is nothing of the sort. I never thought this day would come so soon. I never thought my life could change so much in just 6 months How sad and lonely I am. How I wish I could do it all over again. I promise God that I would open my eyes, that I would slow down and enjoy my life more, that I would tell Loughlin how much I love him, that I would hold him and tell him how very proud I was of him and what an incredible young man he was. I feel weak today, faint, sick, overburdened. 6 months without his smiling face, without his presence keeping us in line, without him helping out his dad who needs him so much, without making special meals just for him. I miss you so much Loughlin that I cannot breath today. I am so sorry I could not have changed this. Everything would be good if I had just saw that truck. I see you lying there in my mind, not moving and how I just wanted to hold you, one last time. You were so incredible in everything you tried. I love you. I loved every minute with you, even the hard times. I am so sorry I was so hard on you. Heavenly Father cover me today, protect me, help me walk, help me love, help me feel gratefulness for the blessings that are left here on Earth. Bless my family with the courage to withstand, to endure. I pray for the comforter to be with me, I pray that I will feel Loughlin near, I need him.

Maya's 3rd Place in the Science Fair

Maya received a 3rd place in the science fair with a project titled,'Polka Dot Celery". It showed how leaves get the water and nutrients they need from the roots through tubes called xylem. She spent two days memorizing the big words she would have to use like, evaporate and molecule, xylem and phloem. I am so proud of her because she gets really nervous when she has to speak to adults. Cyrus won once in 4th grade with a project on feeding steers. True had a great project on homemade fire extinguishers but didn't place.

I am grateful for a Bishop and friends that try and help out the best they can. I am grateful for a Savior that knows my needs and comforts me when I ask. I missed Loughlin so much yesterday and thought about him constantly. It will be 6 months on Monday, it seems like yesterday and yet seems like forever since I got to hold him in my arms.

Happy Birthday Harlen

The man I love.

Harlen, Loughlin and Cyrus back when life was simple.

4 Generations only one left.

Today was my eternal companions birthday. For the most part it turned out to be a fairly happy day after a rocky beginning. He turned 41 this year. We spent the day with his mom and her husband and Harlen's niece, Amber and Nick her husband. We barbecued and I made fried potatoes with onions, Harlen's favorite, white sour cream cake with vanilla frosting, Tillamook's Marion Berry Pie Ice Cream and smiles on most of the kids for most of the day, all in all it turned out to be a fairly successful day. I am so gun shy that I have a really hard time letting my guard down. I also missed Loughlin so much. I cried myself to sleep last night holding his favorite hoody. Church for me today was really hard. I felt so exhausted, so many feelings in the last week, days when I wondered which way my life was heading, days of family fun with me just missing Loughlin.

Awareness

I have become aware of some in my life that are worried that I profess to much on this blog. To them I say, do not read it. This is an avenue for my raw feelings, ones you will never be able to understand, for you have never walked in my shoes, have never felt this pain, or loneliness or fear and I hope you never do, for it is a dreary world, when sometimes the only relief you feel is getting your words out on the screen. If you were going to judge, you should have never asked to read.

Change

Funny how things can change in your life, overnight, when it is least wanted, when you really don't think you can handle anymore. Change, it is never ending, it sneaks up on you and takes you by surprise and your life looks nothing like it did 6 months ago. How can there be people in your life that seemed to be the closest to you, they leave you and others who only seemed to be on the side line step up and prop you up when you never even thought to ask for their help.

Where is my life going? How do I keep us together? How do I ignore all of the hurt and anger? How when there are only a few times in the week when I think I can make it myself through the grief alone. The anguish is overwhelming. How long can I pretend that nothing is wrong? I need my Savior's love to encircle me today, to help me make the right decisions. I need a fairytale ending to this tragedy, I call my life.

O God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place?

Sometimes I feel as if my Savior has abandoned me, as if I am alone in this, and there is no way to make it through. I have felt that way this whole week. I feel as if God has asked me to bear more than I am able, that he is piling on and I am already breathless.

Then blessings come and friends show up at my door with cream puffs my hips do not need, that Harlen seems to be himself again, that friends reach out in ways that are unseen by most but not by me and then I think I am going to make it, that I can do this, that Christ has always been with me, that He is holding me up, that He forgives me for my anger and my self-pity, that He rejoices in the small joys I find in my days, that He, is who sends me blessings through others, that one day He will allow me to hold Loughlin and Rhiannon in my arms again and our family will be together and whole once more.

Sunshine

I need the sun to come out today. The last couple of days have been so hard. Val invited us to Brody's baseball game but I really don't know if I can do it. Loughlin was so looking forward to baseball season this year. It was the only sport he really wanted to play and he loved Brody so much. He was such a great friend to him. I wish I could just watch him play one more time, catch that last ball, smack that last hit. His All-star hat sits on the top of my fridge making my heart ache, longing to cheer him on.
I am taking cupcakes to Giles' classroom today, I am going to put on that happy face, I keep in my jar by the door. His party is tomorrow, and Easter on Sunday. Celebrations of life in the midst of sorrow over a death. Life is so Ironic.

Sadness

This morning taking the kids to school, it felt as if the accident happened yesterday. Driving past the place where it took place, it was almost like I felt Lough in the car with us. I had to look in the rear view mirror to make sure he wasn't. I know it sounds so weird but it was so real. I couldn't hardly stand to look at the high school as I passed it. I wish today that I could have just one hour with him. I miss him so much. He was such a great boy and I never told him nearly enough. Wouldn't it be nice if God granted day passes just to visit loved ones on the other side of the veil? I wish I could change the events that happened that day. I still feel so much guilt and anguish over not seeing that truck. I feel so empty today. I feel so sad, so lonely, so responsible, so weak. God please give me the strength to endure and carry on.
I am hoping for better days ahead.

New Lesson

I thought to myself on Saturday, I might just make it through, I might actually find a way to fight my way through this trial. It was the first day in 5 months I took a deep breath and there was oxygen to spare. Then things took a turn for the worse.

Happy Birthday Giles, Grandma and April

Happy Birthday to my handsome young son Giles. He turned 7 today, he has been with his dad all day delivering bulls to Utah and I miss the little guy so much. I guess next Saturday we are going to celebrate his big day with friends and family. He got the MP3 player he has been asking for before he left. Nana gave him a camera when they went buy her house. I had told him the day before that he could only have one or the other. He chose the MP3 player so when Nana gave him the camera he asked his dad if he had to give it back. He was only suppose to get one. What a great little man I am raising, so loving and caring. I cherish each day I have with you in my life, Giles. I love you with all of my heart.

Today is also my Grandma Harmer's birthday. I lost her 9 years ago and I miss her everyday. She was my strength after Rhiannon died. She never once judged me or made me feel inadequate because of the circumstances of Rhiannon's birth. She just loved; she held nothing. If she were here I know she would just hold me in her arms and tell me it was going to be ok. She knew first hand the pain of losing a child. She lost her Steven as a young toddler in a drowning accident. She dealt with the guilt of not living up to what she thought a mom should be all of her life but she was the best mom and grandma anyone child could ask for. I miss you today, Grandma and love you so very much. I wish for your loving arms to encircle me.

Last but certainly not least, Happy Birthday April. Today you are as old as me. I am so sorry you had to leave this earth so early and leave your family that misses you so very much. I wish I could have been half as virtuous as you were, half as kind, half as loving, half as joyful. I think of you often. I hope you are watching out for Rhiannon and Loughlin up there in the place I know you all are. Give Grandma, Loughlin, and Rhiannon a hug for me, would you? I love you.

April Fool's

How I wish today God would just say those two beloved words, "April Fool's", and give me my life back; my son back at High School driving his mom crazy with all of those things 15 year old boys do, playing baseball last night at the game, driving around with his permit and doing the Geometry that his mom has never liked, that I could have my husband back the way he was before all of this happened, that Cyrus has no concerns except that he didn't finish his homework last night, that True could go a week without being in the principals office(which he had never been in before the accident),that I could actually make it through one day without breaking down into pieces, that I could walk into Maya's room without seeing her make shift shrine to her dead brother and sister, that when we went to Boondocks we had an even amount of kids so Lea didn't have to say, if Loughlin were here he would take me on the cars", that Giles had his biggest fan cheering him on in his soccer game last night, but just like this life those kind of dreams never come true! I am stuck in this nightmare. Yesterday I didn't have such a bad day but that is because I didn't want to face reality and I ignored the fact that my son is gone until I went to pick Cyrus up from school and the High school was playing their baseball game behind the school. I lost my smile, my better outlook and I was left with this reality that I do not like and that I do not really want to live in.