A day that is suppose to celebrate the beginning of a new year, for me, is a day that eludes to the unknown. The questions in my mind are swirling: Will I find any joy this upcoming year? Can I handle my life and the upcoming events that tried me when I was whole? Should I go back to school?
The feeling in my gut is bad this morning, worse than it has been for a many days. The dread and the sorrow is overwhelming. I miss Loughlin with every breath, with every thought. How will I make it without him? Lord please shelter me.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Last Picture together
I thought it would be nice to post the last picture of my 6 kids together. I miss Loughlin so very much. The family always feels as if someone is missing. I miss his smile, his laughter and even his stubbornness. Life is empty without him. I knelt in prayer this morning for some peace, some joy, some sort of relief from the constant invasion of doubt in my testimony. I know that miracles are small but how I wish I could see Loughlin again, even in a dream. I have his phone still with his message on it. I call it just to hear his voice. I love you Loughlin, please forgive me.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Another Sunday
Today again was very hard and I had an incredibly bad outlook on this life. I sat through church with a chip on my shoulder. feeling sorry for myself and what my family is going through. I looked around at the other families and their pink houses(perfect lives) and wondered out loud to my husband as to where my pink house had gone too.
I feel as though some think I should be back to my normal self but I can hardly remember what my normal self was like. I think there is a part of me that is afraid to be strong. I was strong once before and 20 years later I lost another child. If I am strong again will God take another of my children from me? The scriptures tell us that God will not give you more than you can handle. I don't want to be strong, I want to be weak.
When I feel this way I also lose track of what I am sad about because the anger comes. I get mad at God, the church and even the people around me. Which seems silly from the outside because they really have nothing to do with how I am feeling or what happened 2 months ago. The only person I can blame is myself but that road is ugly and I don't know if I am strong enough to venture down it. I have a hard time not letting the anger creep into the rest of my life. Will I ever feel like being around people again? Will church ever be that sanctuary I need?
I am just having a pity party tonight but the other aspect of this that is difficult is that all your friends surround you for the first month and then it is cold turkey and you are on your own. I know that this is Christmas and every one is very busy with their own lives. I also know that I am not very accommodating when they are around but it is lonely in this new world. Who do you trust? It seems every time I open up a conversation with someone new, I come away from it hurt or disappointed that it wasn't helpful to my anguish. Harlen tells me that the only person that knows what I am feeling is my Savior and I need to turn to him with my sorrow. I know he is right but I am a very stubborn lady and even more so when I am angry.
My parents came today. It seems as though Christmas didn't come this year. It was just another day. I am grateful for that.
I feel as though some think I should be back to my normal self but I can hardly remember what my normal self was like. I think there is a part of me that is afraid to be strong. I was strong once before and 20 years later I lost another child. If I am strong again will God take another of my children from me? The scriptures tell us that God will not give you more than you can handle. I don't want to be strong, I want to be weak.
When I feel this way I also lose track of what I am sad about because the anger comes. I get mad at God, the church and even the people around me. Which seems silly from the outside because they really have nothing to do with how I am feeling or what happened 2 months ago. The only person I can blame is myself but that road is ugly and I don't know if I am strong enough to venture down it. I have a hard time not letting the anger creep into the rest of my life. Will I ever feel like being around people again? Will church ever be that sanctuary I need?
I am just having a pity party tonight but the other aspect of this that is difficult is that all your friends surround you for the first month and then it is cold turkey and you are on your own. I know that this is Christmas and every one is very busy with their own lives. I also know that I am not very accommodating when they are around but it is lonely in this new world. Who do you trust? It seems every time I open up a conversation with someone new, I come away from it hurt or disappointed that it wasn't helpful to my anguish. Harlen tells me that the only person that knows what I am feeling is my Savior and I need to turn to him with my sorrow. I know he is right but I am a very stubborn lady and even more so when I am angry.
My parents came today. It seems as though Christmas didn't come this year. It was just another day. I am grateful for that.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Back from the greatest place on Earth.
We are back. It took us two days to drive home but we made it. The roads were treacherous but the most snow we drove through was right as we were coming into our driveway.
The coast was beautiful. The waves were so big (about 30 ft) that we did have a white Christmas after all. I have never seen the ocean so rough. It matched the feelings that stirred in my soul. Christmas Eve through Christmas was really hard but I think the most intense feelings were just coming home. I don't like it here anymore; too many memories and heartache and nowhere to escape. You can pretend when you are away from home and there is no one staring at you because no one knows you. There is no one pitying you because of what you have done. There are also no friends around but I think I would give up the one to get rid of the other.
Today is also Harlen and I's 17Th anniversary. But it also marks 2 months since Loughlin died. I told Harlen today that I had the greatest marriage in the world for 16 and 3/4 of a year and then it spiraled downhill and out of control. It's hard to decide if the pain is worth the joy. What is that saying ? It is better to love and loss than never to have loved at all. I believe that comes from someone who has never felt this loss.
My testimony is really failing me as of today. I don't know exactly what I believe or know for sure. I am having a hard time breathing, living and sleeping. I can find no peace at all. I am even having a hard time finding joy in my other children, which brings on the guilt for they still have a childhood ahead of them that I need to make as happy as I can. How could a loving Heavenly Father do this? Where are my angels? Will I ever be happy again.
The coast was beautiful. The waves were so big (about 30 ft) that we did have a white Christmas after all. I have never seen the ocean so rough. It matched the feelings that stirred in my soul. Christmas Eve through Christmas was really hard but I think the most intense feelings were just coming home. I don't like it here anymore; too many memories and heartache and nowhere to escape. You can pretend when you are away from home and there is no one staring at you because no one knows you. There is no one pitying you because of what you have done. There are also no friends around but I think I would give up the one to get rid of the other.
Today is also Harlen and I's 17Th anniversary. But it also marks 2 months since Loughlin died. I told Harlen today that I had the greatest marriage in the world for 16 and 3/4 of a year and then it spiraled downhill and out of control. It's hard to decide if the pain is worth the joy. What is that saying ? It is better to love and loss than never to have loved at all. I believe that comes from someone who has never felt this loss.
My testimony is really failing me as of today. I don't know exactly what I believe or know for sure. I am having a hard time breathing, living and sleeping. I can find no peace at all. I am even having a hard time finding joy in my other children, which brings on the guilt for they still have a childhood ahead of them that I need to make as happy as I can. How could a loving Heavenly Father do this? Where are my angels? Will I ever be happy again.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Maybe I can do this
Today I woke up to a documentary on Joseph Smith. He was subject to so many trials and even at the end he asked where is the cover over thy people and the Lord responded that if he can just endure he will be rewarded in heaven.
The grief feels manageable today and I feel my Savior near me. I feel some peace in my home and some hope for tomorrow. I have this overwhelming feeling today that I am needed here on Earth to raise my other 5 children and that Loughlin and Rhiannon are fine. It is a comfort to know, the others that went before them are caring for my babies. I can feel the blessings and prayers of my family surrounding me today. I love my Heavenly Father and will follow my Savior wherever he leads me. He restoreth my soul and I am eternally grateful for that knowledge.
The grief feels manageable today and I feel my Savior near me. I feel some peace in my home and some hope for tomorrow. I have this overwhelming feeling today that I am needed here on Earth to raise my other 5 children and that Loughlin and Rhiannon are fine. It is a comfort to know, the others that went before them are caring for my babies. I can feel the blessings and prayers of my family surrounding me today. I love my Heavenly Father and will follow my Savior wherever he leads me. He restoreth my soul and I am eternally grateful for that knowledge.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Wow!
I am so glad this day is coming to an end. I never thought that I would have to sum up my sons life in a paragraph but that is exactly what the school asked us to do for the school year book. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. In some ways it finalized Loughlin at school and in his life with his friends. My stomach is sick. I still can't believe he really is gone. Even Harlen is sad tonight. I feel like I should be the strong one but I cannot muster up the energy. I just want to go to bed and start again tomorrow. Maybe it will be better. I just miss him so much. I miss his smile and his arguing with me over silly things. I miss him asking to go hunting and wishing he didn't have to feed tonight because it is so cold. I am very cold without you Loughlin. I wish I could find something to warm my soul.
2 Days left
There are only 2 days left here until we leave for the coast. I think I might of overloaded my schedule. I have 200 Christmas cards to send out, presents to wrap for friends and teachers here and I need to pack for 7 people for 6 days. A week ago I could barely get up and showered in a day. I guess that is an improvement.
I woke up crying today and that feeling in the pit of my stomach just won't leave. My breathing feels short and shallow. I am worried life on the coast won't be the relief I want. What if things get harder? What if I disappoint my other 5 children?
I want to go to my Heavenly Father today but I am so angry. Angry and I feel I can not open up to anyone. People say hurtful things when they are trying to be meaningful. I have a hard time even talking to Harlen. I know we are at different places in this grief. He has turned to God and the scriptures for answers, I have been there before and left that place disappointed because there are no real answers on why Loughlin is gone, just as there were no real answers on why Rhiannon died. I see 20 years later that my life is so different than it would have been but I hope in my heart that God did not take Rhiannon so that I would straighten up and be wiser in my choices. I hear the answers some times in conference talks but either I have hardened my heart or I feel as if they do not apply to me. Why are some tested and tried and others are left with there perfect lives? In my blessing, Bishop said that God will only give you what you can handle. Well I am crying uncle, no mas. I am not that strong one everyone thinks I am. I am falling apart inside but people only see what they want to see. They see someone who can weather a storm but I am blowing over; I am melting; I am crumbling; I am crying mercy.
I woke up crying today and that feeling in the pit of my stomach just won't leave. My breathing feels short and shallow. I am worried life on the coast won't be the relief I want. What if things get harder? What if I disappoint my other 5 children?
I want to go to my Heavenly Father today but I am so angry. Angry and I feel I can not open up to anyone. People say hurtful things when they are trying to be meaningful. I have a hard time even talking to Harlen. I know we are at different places in this grief. He has turned to God and the scriptures for answers, I have been there before and left that place disappointed because there are no real answers on why Loughlin is gone, just as there were no real answers on why Rhiannon died. I see 20 years later that my life is so different than it would have been but I hope in my heart that God did not take Rhiannon so that I would straighten up and be wiser in my choices. I hear the answers some times in conference talks but either I have hardened my heart or I feel as if they do not apply to me. Why are some tested and tried and others are left with there perfect lives? In my blessing, Bishop said that God will only give you what you can handle. Well I am crying uncle, no mas. I am not that strong one everyone thinks I am. I am falling apart inside but people only see what they want to see. They see someone who can weather a storm but I am blowing over; I am melting; I am crumbling; I am crying mercy.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Christmas Letter
This year I argued with myself, whether I should do our Christmas Letter
But we hope it helps, in some small way, to make each day get better.
So I trust you will receive this poem, in the spirit it was given
For Christmas should remind us all, each day we should be living.
Lea turned four this year but she wishes she was twenty.
She always keeps us on our toes and makes us giggle plenty.
Her and her brother Loughlin were always best of friends.
Even when he swung her high, they always made amends.
Giles is in first grade and played soccer twice this year.
When he scored from the kickoff, the crowd let out a cheer.
The girls all really love him, young and even old.
He knows what he believes in; just ask him he’s quite bold.
Maya has so many friends and always has a place to go.
Only eight, in the third grade and her dad just can’t say “no”.
She loves the teachers in her life at school and at church.
To find a sweeter, nicer girl, you really need not search.
True’s ten and in the fifth grade; the toughest kid around.
If it’s football season, on the field, is where he’s found.
His team went undefeated and won the superbowl.
To serve a mission for his church is his greatest goal.
Cyrus is a trooper; he gets stronger everyday.
He’s walking on his own now; his next goal, football, 8 months away.
Lough and him were good friends, did so many things together.
So he’s grateful for the knowledge that families are forever.
As for our dear Loughlin, we miss him more than words can say
And yet we are so thankful for each and everyday,
That we spent together and all the joy we shared;
Hunting, fishing, working it seemed we did not care.
We know that fifteen years was not long enough to spend with our dear son
And now we look forward to the beautiful day on which our Savior comes.
We know Christmas is about Him, and about His divine birth,
His Atonement and Resurrection are what gave our souls their worth.
Christ showed by his example: service love and hope;
Each act of kindness on our behalf has helped our family cope
Through this difficult time of sorrow with the passing of our son.
We are grateful for the knowledge that our journey’s just begun;
That if we live as Jesus did and serve our fellow men,
There will be a great reunion where we’ll see Loughlin again.
So when Christmas Day is here and you feel that joyful spirit,
Give thanks unto the Father and please let your children hear it.
But we hope it helps, in some small way, to make each day get better.
So I trust you will receive this poem, in the spirit it was given
For Christmas should remind us all, each day we should be living.
Lea turned four this year but she wishes she was twenty.
She always keeps us on our toes and makes us giggle plenty.
Her and her brother Loughlin were always best of friends.
Even when he swung her high, they always made amends.
Giles is in first grade and played soccer twice this year.
When he scored from the kickoff, the crowd let out a cheer.
The girls all really love him, young and even old.
He knows what he believes in; just ask him he’s quite bold.
Maya has so many friends and always has a place to go.
Only eight, in the third grade and her dad just can’t say “no”.
She loves the teachers in her life at school and at church.
To find a sweeter, nicer girl, you really need not search.
True’s ten and in the fifth grade; the toughest kid around.
If it’s football season, on the field, is where he’s found.
His team went undefeated and won the superbowl.
To serve a mission for his church is his greatest goal.
Cyrus is a trooper; he gets stronger everyday.
He’s walking on his own now; his next goal, football, 8 months away.
Lough and him were good friends, did so many things together.
So he’s grateful for the knowledge that families are forever.
As for our dear Loughlin, we miss him more than words can say
And yet we are so thankful for each and everyday,
That we spent together and all the joy we shared;
Hunting, fishing, working it seemed we did not care.
We know that fifteen years was not long enough to spend with our dear son
And now we look forward to the beautiful day on which our Savior comes.
We know Christmas is about Him, and about His divine birth,
His Atonement and Resurrection are what gave our souls their worth.
Christ showed by his example: service love and hope;
Each act of kindness on our behalf has helped our family cope
Through this difficult time of sorrow with the passing of our son.
We are grateful for the knowledge that our journey’s just begun;
That if we live as Jesus did and serve our fellow men,
There will be a great reunion where we’ll see Loughlin again.
So when Christmas Day is here and you feel that joyful spirit,
Give thanks unto the Father and please let your children hear it.
The Mornings
Every morning since the accident I have awoke with a feeling as if someone has punched me in the gut; like the breath has been knocked out of me; like someone is sitting on my chest. With each morning the realization that this isn't a bad dream comes sooner. I walk around the house sort of numb to the world. "How could my son be gone?" The question that lingers in the air, that takes all of the life and happiness I have and hides it for another day. When I pray in the morning for peace these feelings are softened but there are times when I am so angry at God that I can not go to him. It is if I am a child again and that I believe the silence will work and I will get what I want. The only thing I want though is my son back and I know that will never happen in this mortal existence. The silence hurts my ears. It hurts my heart and my soul and becomes overwhelming. Since Cyrus went back to school the house is so quiet. I do not like the quiet. It makes you think to hard and sometimes I wish I could just sit with no thoughts in my head, just to relax for a moment, to pretend that "All is Well". One day I hope that I will be able to say those words with the conviction of my being.
I love you Loughlin. Can you hear me?
I love you Loughlin. Can you hear me?
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Waves
I would describe the way the sorrow comes as waves in an ocean. One day you feel like you are going to make it and the next it is hard to breath. Not only days but hours in the days.
Today we tried Christmas shopping for our other 5 children. It was so difficult. I almost couldn't finish but I did not want to have to go again. I kept thinking about Loughlin. What would he have wanted? He never wanted much and always was so very thankful for the things he received.
I heard somewhere that spirits stay around until the ones they leave are able to handle the loss. I know I am being selfish but I hope he is still here. I miss him more than words can express. I wish I could just hold him one more time.
Loughlin's high school wants to put a special memorial page in the year book for him. We need to give them material by Thursday. I don't know what I could give them that would describe what a great young man he was. What would do justice for his life?
Please Lord comfort me, help me make it through another day without him.
Today we tried Christmas shopping for our other 5 children. It was so difficult. I almost couldn't finish but I did not want to have to go again. I kept thinking about Loughlin. What would he have wanted? He never wanted much and always was so very thankful for the things he received.
I heard somewhere that spirits stay around until the ones they leave are able to handle the loss. I know I am being selfish but I hope he is still here. I miss him more than words can express. I wish I could just hold him one more time.
Loughlin's high school wants to put a special memorial page in the year book for him. We need to give them material by Thursday. I don't know what I could give them that would describe what a great young man he was. What would do justice for his life?
Please Lord comfort me, help me make it through another day without him.
Monday, December 15, 2008
Better Day
Today is a much better day. Last night the Bishop and Rob came over to offer special blessings on our family. The blessing I received from the Bishop was very powerful and understanding of exactly how I was feeling at the time. Rob gave Harlen his blessing. They have been such close friends for such a long time that I think Rob knows just how Harlen is feeling. Cyrus and True also received a blessing. It brought the spirit back into our home and raised our hopes again. I feel grateful today for the time I had with Loughlin instead of cheated because of the time I didn't have.
Rob and Kim asked me to make a Christmas poem for them this year to send out to friends and family. I finished it this morning and now am reconsidering my decision to not do Christmas cards this year. My attitude could change tomorrow but for today I feel grateful to my Savior for helping me carry this burden. Today the pain in my heart is manageable. I still miss Loughlin with all of my being but I have remembered so many wonderful times today instead of just the sadness. Lea has helped me recall most of them.
Rob and Kim asked me to make a Christmas poem for them this year to send out to friends and family. I finished it this morning and now am reconsidering my decision to not do Christmas cards this year. My attitude could change tomorrow but for today I feel grateful to my Savior for helping me carry this burden. Today the pain in my heart is manageable. I still miss Loughlin with all of my being but I have remembered so many wonderful times today instead of just the sadness. Lea has helped me recall most of them.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Why are Sundays so hard?
I still can't for the life of me understand why Sundays are so very hard. I have cried for half the day. I just feel so very sorry for what happened that October day. I miss Loughlin so much. We ate his favorite pie for dessert and Stroganoff for dinner. He was a very picky eater but that was one meal he ate more than one helping of. It started to snow outside, which just brings Christmas closer and my grief stronger. The kids loved Loughlin to pull them in a sled behind the 4-wheeler. He was a great big brother.
Hopes and Dreams
I believe that some of what I grieve for are all the hopes and dreams I had for my son, all of the wonderful parts of this earthly existence that he will never experience. He was only 3 months into his freshman year at high school. He never had a real girlfriend, never even went on a date. He was so incredibly smart. Loughlin did not even have to try in school. He was a great artist. We will never attend his graduation, his first day of college, his mission, or his marriage. Our first grandchild was suppose to be from him.
Loughlin decided not to play football this year. At any other time in his life we would have never let him quit, but both me and his dad just allowed him to stop. Looking back on it now, it was a blessing. My other children were in sports and Loughlin would hang with me after school waiting for everyone else to finish. I cherish those moments I spent with him, those times he could just relax. Don't get me wrong, I have plenty of regrets with Loughlin. I was very hard on him at times, a very strict mom. I wish now I had yelled less and loved more. This is one reason I will always beat myself up with. I never ever thought I would wake up one morning without him there.
The smallest actions in a day cut the hardest; getting down 7 plates for meals instead of 8, not washing his favorite jersey, #21, waiting for him to get off the tractor feeding so we could eat dinner, hollering at him to get out of the shower. I miss him so very much.
We tried to go Christmas shopping yesterday with the other kids. It was so overwhelming. The air was so thick and I kept wondering who had Loughlin's name. It is just not Christmas without him.
Lea has been sick for three days and is having a hard time holding anything down. I am a little relieved to be serving my baby instead of mourning constantly. She is so sweet when she doesn't feel good. Her and Loughlin are a lot alike. They were very close. Loughlin hadn't any patience for anyone but her(and if you knew her you find that funny) She is very high maintenance but Loughlin never lost his temper with her. I know she misses him so much but she has a simple faith. When she sees me crying, she reminds me that Loughlin is alright. He is in heaven.
Cyrus is doing very well physically but feels a lot like me on the inside. On Thursday we went to the doctor who said he could stand as much as he could handle. He is walking a little and it is very comforting knowing he is healing well. He even wore some pants the last two days. (It has been shorts for 6 weeks). I think Cyrus misses Loughlin so much. They were very close in age, 20 months a part, even though they fought at times they were each others best friend.
True, Maya and Giles are grieving a lot alike. They are quiet, more than anything, they are mostly silent but then they will either get very angry or very emotional all at once. I wish I could take their pain away.
I hope for today that all my children will be healthy. That I will get some peace from my prayers or maybe talk myself into a blessing so I will have some comfort from my Heavenly Father. I hope that parents will enjoy every moment they have with their children and hug them often.
I wish for just one day more with Loughlin and Rhiannon.
Loughlin decided not to play football this year. At any other time in his life we would have never let him quit, but both me and his dad just allowed him to stop. Looking back on it now, it was a blessing. My other children were in sports and Loughlin would hang with me after school waiting for everyone else to finish. I cherish those moments I spent with him, those times he could just relax. Don't get me wrong, I have plenty of regrets with Loughlin. I was very hard on him at times, a very strict mom. I wish now I had yelled less and loved more. This is one reason I will always beat myself up with. I never ever thought I would wake up one morning without him there.
The smallest actions in a day cut the hardest; getting down 7 plates for meals instead of 8, not washing his favorite jersey, #21, waiting for him to get off the tractor feeding so we could eat dinner, hollering at him to get out of the shower. I miss him so very much.
We tried to go Christmas shopping yesterday with the other kids. It was so overwhelming. The air was so thick and I kept wondering who had Loughlin's name. It is just not Christmas without him.
Lea has been sick for three days and is having a hard time holding anything down. I am a little relieved to be serving my baby instead of mourning constantly. She is so sweet when she doesn't feel good. Her and Loughlin are a lot alike. They were very close. Loughlin hadn't any patience for anyone but her(and if you knew her you find that funny) She is very high maintenance but Loughlin never lost his temper with her. I know she misses him so much but she has a simple faith. When she sees me crying, she reminds me that Loughlin is alright. He is in heaven.
Cyrus is doing very well physically but feels a lot like me on the inside. On Thursday we went to the doctor who said he could stand as much as he could handle. He is walking a little and it is very comforting knowing he is healing well. He even wore some pants the last two days. (It has been shorts for 6 weeks). I think Cyrus misses Loughlin so much. They were very close in age, 20 months a part, even though they fought at times they were each others best friend.
True, Maya and Giles are grieving a lot alike. They are quiet, more than anything, they are mostly silent but then they will either get very angry or very emotional all at once. I wish I could take their pain away.
I hope for today that all my children will be healthy. That I will get some peace from my prayers or maybe talk myself into a blessing so I will have some comfort from my Heavenly Father. I hope that parents will enjoy every moment they have with their children and hug them often.
I wish for just one day more with Loughlin and Rhiannon.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Grief!
It is only 2:30 in the afternoon, I feel as if it is midnight. I am so tired all of the time. The grief is all encompassing today. Saturdays and Sundays are the worst because they were our family days. I miss him all of the time. Harlen and the kids played 'Ticket to Ride' this morning. It made me sad because Loughlin loved to play games and we were always to busy to take time to do it. Since the accident nothing seems as important as family. I wish only we could have come to that knowledge without losing our son. I wish I could have been a better mom. I wish I could have just one more hour to spend with him. I know life isn't fair but this seems really unfair. After losing Rhiannon, my first daughter to SIDS in 1988, I thought I would never have to go through that again. I knew some parents who had lost one child but none that had lost two. Let's say I felt immune and safe in this world we had created for our kids but in one fail swoop life was changed. Giles for the first 4 weeks after the accident prayed that we would drive safe. I felt sad each time he did. I felt responsible for ruining our safe world. I wish we could turn back the clock and start that morning all over again. I miss you Loughlin.
Happy Places
I picked the family picture above because it is our favorite place to be, the Oregon coast. It is a picture from 2007 when life was simple and fun. We had the greatest time there together. The boys went fishing and caught a whole bunch of yummy fish, we are still eating on. There was a playground there at Bella Beach and even Lea didn't want to come home. I can't remember a single argument between the kids. It truly was Heaven on Earth.
We have decided to go again to Bella Beach for Christmas this year. In part because Christmas at home may be more than we can bear and maybe there is a hope that we will feel that Heaven on Earth again and just a little closer to Loughlin. Loughlin loved the Ocean, the beach, fishing and especially eating crab. The boys always got in the ocean no matter the temperature. Then they would come back to the house and jump in the hot tub, sand and all.
The coast is a peaceful place with the lighthouses directing us in the way we should go, like Christ's gospel does each and everyday. We can find peace if we will just allow Him to carry our burdens, lift our spirits and hold us in His arms. I pray for some sort of peace everyday to get our family through this tragedy. I know there are so many out there that miss Loughlin also, that are praying daily for our family and that they will also have peace. I know I feel your prayers for without them I could not carry on. Thank you.
Friday, December 12, 2008
My Oldest son, Loughlin:
Loughlin Harlen Garner
Loughlin was born on a very hot September 18, 1993. I was a very anxious mother but I loved him so very much. After just 1 hr in the nursery the nurses brought him to me because he would not settle down and was keeping all of the rest of the new babies awake. ( A trend he kept most of his life with his siblings). He was so beautiful and so alive for being just a newborn. He seldom slept and was always aware of everything around him. He was attached to me and would only tolerate a few others. I was so happy to be his mom. He grew throughout his short 15 years to be a great worthy young man who loved his family, his God, his friends and his country. Even though I did not tell him often enough I loved him and was so very proud of the young man he had become. He loved the outdoors and at every chance would fish and hunt. We live on a farm/ranch outside Nyssa, Oregon and he was a great help to his father.He hated the cows but was a great help with the farm work. He was getting to be a great student and he was loved by all that knew him. He was always willing to help anyone in need.
Loughlin was taken from us on October 27, 2008 in a terrible car accident just 200 yards from our home. He was gone before I could say goodbye. I know in my heart it was an accident but I was driving and I am suppose to protect him. I did not see that truck parked on the side of the road, in fact I do not remember much about that day. It was an ordinary Monday and we were just on our way to school. It turned out to be anything but ordinary. Cyrus,13 was riding in the front, Maya, 8, Loughlin and Giles,6 in the middle seat and True,10 in the rear seat of our Suburban. There was not much left of our vehicle. Cyrus' legs were crushed and Maya recieved a terrible concusion. They were both life flighted to Boise. True lost 5 teeth, Giles just banged up a little and me with a few lacerations, all that will heal. Harlen and Lea were at home when they heard the news. We spent a week at St. Al's in Boise with Cyrus and Maya .(which is a blur to me). On November 3rd, 2008 we layed Loughlin to rest. Around 1200 attended his funeral. So many acts of kindness were performed on behalf of our family. Friends and Family have held us up when life seemed harder than we could handle. We are so grateful to all. When I let him I know the Holy Ghost will comfort me. Oh how this has tested my faith and broke my heart.
These last 6 weeks seem as though they were just a bad dream. Every morning I wake up hoping that it was. I miss Loughlin with every breath I take."Why?" hangs heavy on my soul.My only hope for this day is that"Sunday Will Come" as Elder Wirthlin has counseled, that we will live worthy enough to be with Loughlin again, that that day will come soon, that our family will be whole again someday and that I will be able to hold my son in my arms and tell him how very proud I am of him and that I always have been. I love you Loughlin.
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