Why not me?

I just have a simple question. Why not me? Harlen is so loved by so many. He does such an awesome job at being positive. He is a supreme provider for our family. The kids love him. Did I mention that everyone who knows him loves him. Mark Twain said " No one is a failure that has friends"

I am the opposite, and I am sure that people are whispering the question across the sphere. Why not her? She has made so many awful choices and mistakes in life. You're right it should be me. It should have always been me.11 years ago it should have been me. Hell 31 years ago it should have been me.Why can't it be me?

28th Anniversary

Tonight I am tired and sad. The end

Christmas Poem 2019

Lea is a sophomore, played both softball varsity 1st base and volleyball varsity setter.

She earned a 4.0 and was Homecoming Princess could there be anything better?

Well she likes shopping way too much and hanging with her friends.

At 15, she doesn’t actually break the rules, but she finds ways that they can bend.

Giles, 17, is a senior and a confident one at that.

He throws a curve ball that no one can hit with a bat.

He spends most his time working on his car and hanging out with Brenda.

Doing the least amount he can in school is certainly his agenda.

Maya is in her second year in college is quite impressive.

Getting A’s is a goal. I’d say it’s compulsive and oppressive.

Ask Juve, she by far has the biggest heart of all, working hard on her fundraising.

Getting everyone to help is incredible and certainly worth praising.

True bore down and earned his Associates degree in college,

Bringing back to the farm his hard work and his new knowledge.

Katlyn and he sure stepped up and labored during harvest season.

But guns and hunting is his love. He works for just that reason.

The biggest news of the year is Cyrus and McKayla are expecting in January.

This is making everyone in this family so happy and you could say even merry.

Cyrus will receive his Masters in teaching in late June.

Their life is going to get busy and eventful very soon

As for Harlen and I we are amazed at our fellow mankind.

Our family and our friends are the best that one could find.

So many acts of kindness have been made on our account.

We could work for 2 lifetimes and never repay the amount.

We hope this letter finds you grateful and content.

And the blessings that you have asked for have already been sent.

We celebrate this Christmas, our Savior and his birth.

And pray for peace and happiness in heaven and on Earth.

It will be a St. Luke's Christmas, Anniversary, New Year's, Birthday

It's Christmas Eve and we are in St. Luke's hospital, well Harlen and me. Wednesday we went for his appointment at MSTI and his white cells were through the sky. They admitted us to the hospital and we just thought it would be for a couple of days, but after tests it was revealed Harlen's CMML had turned into AML ( Acute Myeloid Leukemia. This is a fast acting, aggressive cancer. We were informed we would spend the next 5 weeks in the hospital to try chemotherapy to put the cancer into remission. Then and only then would we be able to move to the Huntsman Center for a Stem Cell Transplant. Today is day 4 of the chemo regiment. We have seen Harlen's white cells as high as 169,000, but his results this morning were hopeful. They are down to 22,690. His red cells and platelets will continue to fall also through this process, but they can be replenished with transfusions. We are praying for good numbers throughout this stay and remission.

The kids took the initiative and got at least kid family pictures done. Maya has been a steam roller setting up 2 fundraisers for Harlen. She really is a sweetheart. She was very successful. All the time she was deep in her studies to become a teacher. Cyrus is half way through his Master's program and He and McKayla are only 2 weeks from having our first grand baby. We are excited beyond words. True has stepped up and is taking Harlen's place on the farm. He and Katlyn worked tirelessly through harvest. Giles is still a senior in high school and has the coolest car and cutest girlfriend there. He loves to push my buttons, but we love him just the same. Lea finished a great volleyball season. She was the varsity setter and earned the Bulldog award, Honorable Mention all district,  Scholar athlete, and a 4.0. Wow. We hope they are courageous through this long process and can keep up with their good works. I want to share a few of our pictures.

It's Not You It's Me

I haven't been on the blog for a while. When last I wrote our future looked bright, but life never is that easy. St, Luke's broke up with us. Well they kicked us off their transplant team. They said we would be better served at the Huntsman Center in Salt Lake City, but I really think it had to do with our crappy health share plan. So we got a new insurance starting January 1, 2020, because Huntsman wouldn't take us with the health share plan either. So limbo is our life. Harlen is trying to keep his spirits up. He gets double transfusions weekly. His red blood cell count goes down and his white cells go up. It's a roller coaster and there is no way off for the time being.

We took Loughlin;s name through the temple last week. It was special with a lot of friends celebrating the moment with us. I think the medicine I am on is making me hard and without emotion, but rather that than where I have been.

Christmas is close and I am not ready, but I am never ready. Procrastination is my middle name.

We have a Match

The Stem Cell Transplant Team at St. Luke's found two donors for Harlen and the transplant will be in 4-5 weeks. I am feeling blessed and overwhelmed but also scared and hesitant at the same time. Please pray for a positive outcome. We now need to find a place to live in the Boise area for 3 months.

I would encourage all of my readers to go to the Be The Match website and become a donor if you are under 45. If not donate blood. Harlen needs transfusions weekly. You could be the one who saves a life. Thank you in advance.

https://bethematch.org/

Paralyzed

Today I am paralyzed. I am sure most of you believe that I am not being literal, but I am. It is amazing what the mind can do to the body. I have a headache. It's pretty excruciating. I took my normal regiment of Excedrin and Promethezine, but it is hanging on if not just by its fingertips. My mind wants to do so many things, like clean the house, fix the holes in my walls, make my yard look like someone lives here, but my body is paralyzed. It is like I am glued to this brown recliner in my living room in which I have come to hate. I feel so heavy that moving is almost impossible. You say I am just lazy, but you don't feel what I feel.

Tomorrow we meet with the Stem Cell Transplant Team. I am petrified of what they are going to tell us. You could say I just need faith, but faith in what? I have faith in a God now, but I do not have faith that it will save my husband from the horrible pain he is in store for. I do not have faith that a match will be found. I am scared. I am scared of what they are going to tell us.

Harlen has been suffering from stress related ills since his diagnosis. For the last three days it has been his back. He is suffering from muscle spasms and I am afraid of leaving him alone.  I used to get this pain all of the time and  know it will go away when he quits worrying and relaxes, but that is easier said than done. He is in the hands of people he doesn't know. People who are trained to cure him, but if they don't win it is just a game to them. They don't have a stake in this fight. As long as they get paid they will feel that their job has been completed.

I find comfort in prayer lately, but today I could pray all day and not feel at ease. God find a match for Harlen. Life is short enough.

A Full Life

I'm am writing from the confines of the 3rd floor at St. Luke's hospital. Harlen spiked a fever on Thursday and this is where we ended up. He went for his fourth intravenous chemotherapy and had a fever of a 102.9. They sent us to the Emergency room then he was transported to Boise. It was really hard on him for 2 days. His hemoglobin was down to 6.7 when we arrived in Fruitland, after one transfusion it didn't budge at all. He had another transfusion tonight hopefully it works and he can get a little bit of energy to manage harvest. Tonight he is finally resting and feeling better. Leukemia really sucks. He is so strong. I love him more than ever.

In the meantime, Lea won Sophomore Homecoming Princess. Thank God the coronation and Parade was on Wednesday this year. We were lucky enough to enjoy with her celebrating her crowning. She was so cute.  Here are two videos and a very cute photo. Tonight Cyrus filled in for Harlen to walk Lea out on the football field. It was so sweet. Susan Schulthies and Teniele helped us facetime the event so we could watch it from the hospital room. I can't wait for the video.

https://www.facebook.com/harlenkendalee.garner/videos/2737556759590802/?t=6



https://www.facebook.com/harlenkendalee.garner/videos/2738101159536362/?t=2

Thursday was also Loughlin's 26th birthday. We haven't been able to celebrate yet, but hopefully soon. Life seems to have a way of getting in the front of traditions sometimes. Happy Birthday Loughlin. We love you so much and miss you everyday. Life will never be the same without you.

His Fight My Light

This is not a fight we chose, but it is a fight we are in. Harlen's labs were bad on Friday again. We spent Saturday getting two transfusions at St. Luke's. Today he feels stronger and he is ready to go on. Tomorrow morning we start real chemo. I pray that it will slow down this disease that has invaded his body, but certainly not his soul.

We had a week of spectacular events. We returned to the temple on Thursday for the first time in eleven years together. The peace that Elder McCune blessed our family with is holing us up. I feel my Savior again. I am not going to say this is an easy feat, because every moment the darkness wants to creep in, wants to make me feel unworthy, unloved, defeated, but I am trying to stay in the light. I try to remember the words spoken to me; God loves me. He wants the best for me. I am not being punished. Things just happen. So many other important words that hold me up when I want to get down. I have a family that loves me and I need to be strong for Harlen. He needs me. I need to get busy and get this house clean. I need to repaint the bathroom because it has mold and Harlen cannot be around it. In the last 11 years I have not done much, just what was needed. I pray for the strength to get past myself and get it done.

Am I Ready?

I feel pressured to take giant steps in my renewed belief in God. I like to live life in the slow lane, but I feel a constant question from the other side to rethink what happened last Sunday. Today the bishop asked me if I wanted a temple recommend. What? I have only taken the sacrament twice in 11 years and today is one of them. Why not? I am not doing anything against the standards of the church. I am a cloned Mother Theresa. I jest, but really the standards are not my problem. My problem is with God and the life I have been given. I feel like a cry baby sometimes, but it has been rough and there is not much sunshine for future days. In fact we are in a fight for our lives again. Harlen is looking at a year before he will be back to his norm. The transplant is being set up for about 2 months from now with all of the testing between him and the donor. Then it is 5 weeks in the hospital followed by 100 days living within a 30 minute drive to the hospital. We still have Giles and Lea at home. Our plan is to have Maya move home to take care of them while Harlen is in recovery. Giles is a senior. This is going to be interesting trying to juggle every event. But first things first Harvest is here and how will we do it all? One day at a  time and now I will be doing it in garments. Wow things change fast. I have felt naked lately. I guess it is time.

Rhiannon's birth dad was killed in an airplane crash on Wednesday. Kenneth was just 50 with 4 children and a loving wife that need him. How is this part of a plan?

After my recommend interview I was engulfed in ugliness. I was angry and shaking and scared wondering if I had done the right thing. It passed with Harlen by my side. There is peace in our home again. Peace in my heart. I am hopeful Harlen will make it through this. the odds mean nothing.

My day with a Seventy

Readers of this blog know the pain and bitterness I have had since Loughlin died, hell since Rhiannon died, since I was raped, since I was molested. I felt I was unworthy to be in the presence of others. I felt unloved. I felt like I was being punished for my horrible sins. Then when Harlen was diagnosed I wondered why it wasn't me or was that just another trial for this family.

But on Sunday a member of the Seventy came to visit our family. Everyone came to church. Cyrus, McKayla, True, Katlyn, Maya, Juve, Giles and Lea. Elder McCune came to talk to our family. He asked first if anyone had any questions. Harlen about bruised my ribs trying to get me to talk. I asked my prodding question that lingers in my mind for years. If there was a loving Heavenly Father that actually cared about us here on Earth, whether I was being punished for my bad choices, I was really asking if God knew me. He spent 35 minutes of his hour with us addressing my question. the spirit was divine in that room and I felt like the Savior was there. He told me God loves me, that I have a huge heart and that it is Satan putting the doubts in my mind and my heart, blaming me for my children's death, beating myself up, making me feel unworthy of being loved. Satan is still working on me as I write down my experience. I have been so low that I thought I would never feel the warmth of the Son again. I hated myself for so many years. He told me none of this was true and Christ's atonement made it possible for me to feel his love again. I felt a peace that was lacking for most of my life.

He then gave Harlen a blessing promising that he would see his grandbabies, plural. We have a different spirit in our home now. It is peaceful. It is hopeful. There is unconditional love for we all know #FamilyIsEverything .

Chronic Myelomonocytic Leukemia (CMML)

That was the diagnoses given to Harlen just weeks ago. This is going to be a fight, but we are ready for it. We have lived through so much together we can do this too. I am sad and angry and sad, but determined.

The enjoyment of a debilitating panic attack

Not really. There is no joy in panic attacks. In fact you think you are dying and maybe you will one day. Of course you will one day, die. but a panic attack feels like you are dying right then.  Your chest hurts. Your neck stiffens. You have shortness of breath and are dizzy. Your lips and fingertips, even your feet are tingling. Wait those are the symptoms of a heart attack. Could I be having a heart attack? I am fat and completely out of shape. Questions like these make you panic more. Should I go to the Dr and get that same pandering pat on the back? Or will that only make you feel worse and kind of like a loser, which will add to the panic because your husband says he doesn't think you're a loser, but your extremities are numb for no fucking reason. YOU are a loser. Are you also crazy? You lost your balance going to pee and hit your head on the bathtub, but you are only dizzy because you are crazy, right? Why are you panicking he may or you may ask? How should I know? It could be the fact that you drove to Portland and back in 2 days for a softball camp that lasted until 6:30 pm, then there was an accident on the freeway and the sirens and lights make you think are we next? You still have a six hour drive. But this is insane? Driving until 2am is also insane, 3 days of complete insanity. A double shot in my arse again, but not for a real ailment like a migraine, but only because you feel like you are dying. You leave the Dr.'s office and you are stoned, and you are tired, but hey you are not in a total panic, but then the drugs wear off and you are once again panicked. How many Valiums can you take and still respond to human contact? If you take too many then you are in a panic you will run out before the end of the month. WTF! Where are the answers to my questions?

One sort of conclusion is don't DRIVE at all, never again.

She's having a baby

Cyrus and McKayla are pregnant and I am ecstatic! 9 weeks along looks like a January baby.

31 years later and my worst nightmare since Rhiannon's death

Woke up screaming in a cold sweat. It took me minutes before I realized I wasn't in 1988. Sitting up against my headboard, breathing erratic. Harlen frightened but understanding. No sleep would find me for 2 continuous nights. It was real to me. It wasn't reality, but it had been my reality. I am tired

Fahrenheit 451

My favorite book has a great quote on grief. Harlen and I listened to Fahrenheit 451 on our last roadtrip. I haven't read it since sophomore year in high school. I loved it again and wanted to share.

"Listen," said Granger, taking his arm, and walking with him, holding aside the
bushes to let him pass. "When I was a boy my grandfather died, and he was a
sculptor. He was also a very kind man who had a lot of love to give the world, and he helped clean up the slum in our town; and he made toys for us and he did a million things in his lifetime; he was always busy with his hands. And when he died, I suddenly realized I wasn't crying for him at all, but for the things he did. I cried because he would never do them again, he would never carve another piece of wood or help us raise doves and pigeons in the back yard or play the violin the way he did, or tell us jokes the way he did. He was part of us and when he died, all the actions stopped dead and there was no one to do them just the way he did. He was individual. He was an important man. I've never gotten over his death. Often I think, what wonderful carvings never came to birth because he died. How many jokes are missing from the world, and how many homing pigeons untouched by his hands. He shaped the world. He did things to the world. The world was bankrupted of ten million
fine actions the night he passed on." Ray Bradbury

Depression

Depression is a funny thing. It sweeps in for small reasons and decides on it's own how long to stay.

Today was the 1st time in a long time I just wanted to die. I have been alone way too much lately, too much time to think.

Growing Older

Everyday I grow older. You grow older. My kids grow older. Harlen grows older, and yet Loughlin stays 15 and Rhiannon stays that baby that I barely remember. He is Forever Fifteen...........

I want to start a non-profit organization that helps siblings who have lost a brother or a sister. I want to have group chats and group activities so that these kids don't feel alone in their pain. I would like someone to guide me in this endeavor.

Please comment below on how to start it. I want to call it #Forever15

Mirrors

I avoid mirrors as much as I can. Today as I was waiting for Harlen in the car, I looked in my rear view mirror. I was noticing all the wrinkles on my face. I thought of the years I have lived, but then I caught a glimpse of the scar below my lower lip, then the one above my right eye. The scars I have from running into the truck 11 years ago. Then as quick as I glanced in the mirror I was back in the suburban and Loughlin was dead on the bench behind me. The air left the van. I was left to my guilt and loneliness. Wrinkles to scars to I killed my son in less than 1 minute. PTSD? probably, but it is my life. This is not the life I chose. This is not a life I would choose even for my worst enemies. My family is everything to me.

Lea had a varsity game that we were on our way to. I was already in a mood. Lea didn't get to play. She was heartbroken. She cried. Lea never cries. She cried all the way home. She cried when we got home. She wrapped up in her comforter on her bed and cried. I went in and laid by her and cried with her. I hope it isn't how this year goes. I hope it gets better. Lea is a fantastic baller. She earned a spot on that team. I lived through 4 years of this with True. I am getting too old for the politics of this shit. I am tired. I love my baby girl. How do I sit back and watch another coach break my baby?

I got my new 10mm out and shot it for a while. I need the practice. True's going to come teach me how to be a better shot. I love that gun. Best Birthday present ever.

Today I just need an ear to listen.....I am not looking for you to fix me. Happy birthday Giles!

It's Giles's 17th birthday today. Another milestone in this family, and I can choose whether this milestone pulls me further into the abyss or I can celebrate that we all made it this far. I love this kid. He is amazing. He gets treated horribly by authority figures because of his hair and his inability to cow tow to the bullshit that attacks him. He is so strong, yet he loves to be told how proud you are of him. He treats with respect those who deserve it, but certainly is smart enough to ascertain those who don't. He is hilarious and plays the worst music in the world, but he loves it, and I love it when he smiles. He has experienced 2 more years than Loughlin did. 17 more years than Rhiannon did. There is the stone that sinks me further. I think I will just float on my back and rest a while. The deep can wait.

Spring but not really

I have had a long migraine, 7 days in fact, 9 shots, and finally I feel a little better today. The stress is taking over. Driving 8 hrs to my parents, worrying about my sick babies at home, staying a week helping my parents, driving 8 hrs home, never stopped raining. I know I have told you how much I hate driving. Life is a dream.

Giles and Lea started baseball and softball games yesterday. I watched from the car because I had just had a shot for my migraines. Giles pitched great 5 out of the 7 innings. His team just falling short of a victory. Lea is a freshman trying to play in the big leagues. Maybe she will play today. Giles is in Nyssa at 5pm and Lea in Notus at 5pm. I wish I could be in both places at the same time. Never enough of me.

It's still cold, perfect balling weather.

Inner

Storms a brewing.
Spirits are cooing.
Haunting my thoughts.
The have and have nots.
The silence is deafening.
Choking and threatening.
Where am I?Who am I? Am I really alive? Open my eyes. I can't drive.
You think you know how I feel, but you don't. You say open up, but I won't.
 I'm alone in my mind.
I'm one of a kind.
Another day passes by.
All I can do is just try.

Neverending Roller Coaster

I went to my niece's brother and sister in law's funeral on Saturday.  If you live close you know the story. The DeLeon's eere gunned down by Heidi's ex-husband on my birthday Sunday, January 6th. It was heart wrenching.  I could barely make it to the gravesite. I  hate funerals. Especially trauma based deaths.

My dad is turning 80 in February. He fell today and broke his pelvic/hip bone. I am stuck here feeling guilty because it is sale time and I am knee deep in our bull sale catalog.  Life never seems to slow down.  I am sooooo tired.