Maya's Writing in English Class

Loughlin oh Loughlin, I wish you were here with me, right here, right now in this little town. I sit here missing you and waiting for you to give me a sign that you are here. Loughlin, you are my brother that I miss the most. I love you so much. I miss you so much. I hope to see you again. I wish you were here mostly because I wish mom would be okay. She misses you the most. She is my Savior. I love her so much, We love you to the bottom of the earth. You will always be in my heart, always and forever I love you to the earth's core and back to the infinities. Even though I don't remember you as in the stuff we did together, I wish I did, but then again I don't remember the pain after it happened, so there is all good and bad to this subject. I remember some things we did together when I look at pictures but I wish I remembered more than that but sadly I don't.

Freewriting and Ode. My new English Major Child. So deep and thoughtful for a 14yr old. Love her so much!

My Grandpa's 92 years & Memorial Day

 I lost my Grandpa Harvey yesterday. I was so blessed to have him in my life. He was a hero. He served in World War II. He was on Normandy Beach. He came home an alcoholic. He drank until, one too many days he woke up, hung over, sometimes not where he thought he should be. He pulled himself together and made it to an AA meeting. He made 50 years sober before he passed away. In the time after he was sober, he married my grandma. I feel so lucky that he chose to be my Grandpa. He didn't have to but he did. He loved having this huge garden with my dad every year. He called it his farm and I always chuckled because I lived on a real one. I am really going to miss him and his dark humor. He loved me like I was his own and just like my Grandma Hamann never judged me.

I wish Memorial Day was what it was meant to be, a time to honor our soldiers who died in the line of duty. I would love that. I would do what I could to honor all of them.

 I don't like that it has become a forced decoration day for the graves. I want to be able to decorate the graves when I want to. I don't understand this. I hate feeling guilty. I shouldn't have to feel guilty over the graves of my two children. So I decorated Loughlin's and everyone else in the Garner family. Sure they are beautiful but my heart is raw at the passing of my Grandpa yesterday. Sometimes I don't know if I can endure much more. In our tiny area we have Loughlin,  Harlen's dad, Val (died at 62), his brother , Stacey (died at 33 of a bee sting), His Grandma & Grandpa, His Uncle Blair (who died at 14 of Rheumatic Fever), Above us is our Uncle Dee, also a World War II vet and Braden Wheeler, who died at 2. His Grandma is a Garner and she was also my best friend, his mom was my kid's babysitter and just like a daughter. Also just West of Loughlin is Kaylin Schulthies, daughter of my other best friend, (she died of cancer at 15) The cemetery is proof to me that we have no control in this life and faith has nothing to do with how easy your life is.

Val Garner with his love

And as for guilt. Rhiannon is buried in the Evergreen Cemetery in Springville, Utah. I can't decorate her grave today, or most days. I am so busy in life that I hardly ever travel there. Guilt. She is by herself there. My Grandma & Grandpa are buried across the road and down about 200 yards from her. Their son Stephen is there ( He was 3 when he drowned in the creek next to their house) and my cousin April who died at 18 of cancer also. God has not been kind to our 2 families on early deaths. The cemetery is depressing. I want to be able to go when I want to go without judgement from the judging community.

Cyrus turned 20 today

Cyrus turned 20 today. He has always been a super good kid. He is so smart and handsome. He has been through so much and has found a way to not only to get through it but to conquer it. He is my hero. He always will be.

He was our little cowboy. He was an incredible showman. He succeeded in everything he tried. He and Loughlin were always best friends. 

He is transfering to the University of Oregon in the Fall. I am so glad (closer, better roads) He wants to major in English. He thought engineering was boring. He wants to teach and write for a living. I couldn't be prouder. I wish I could too. Happy Birthday Son, I love you more than you will ever know.

Pulled in a million directions

Am I a taffy machine? I feel like I am being pulled in so many directions that I don't know which way I should actually be going. It seems everyone wants something and there is only one of me. I thought I could handle all of this when I jumped in but now that I am waste deep, up to my neck, over my head, I am questioning my sanity in getting so involved. I am exhausted. It felt good to have a purpose but now it feels lousy not to finish anything.

Maya is 15

Maya 6 months

Miss Maya turned 15. I could spend the day bragging about her. She is sweet and kind. She is popular and sassy. She is beautiful and smart. (and she is winning the battle with her TBI) She is pitching this year for softball and can I say Ouch? I was umping behind her plate in practice and a gal ticked the ball which came back and hit me in the boob. I have a bruise as big as the softball. I wake up when I roll over on my side it hurts so bad. But back to the beauty queen, She has a lovely voice and is my helper in the house. I love her so much. Look at her, her smile brightens the day of anyone that comes in contact with her. I wish I had her talents!

Maya 14 1/2 years.

Rhiannon's Birthday 27 years old

This is Rhiannon and I when she was a week old. May 23, 1988. I don't know how many times I have told my story but I was 17 when I got pregnant and 18 when I had her. I had planned on giving her up for adoption but the adoptive parents backed out on us at the last minute. She had low blood sugar , so they kept her at the hospital for 5 days. That left 9 days with her. I brought her home from the hospital. I loved her so much. She was so beautiful and such an easy baby. I was reluctant but excited, scared but fulfilled. So many mixed emotions inside me, but I was happy, really happy.

I have very few pictures of her, in fact 2 and a video. I didn't know I wouldn't have her long. I should have took so many more. I was young and stupid and believed in a fair and just world, not really, but that was my excuse. In 2 weeks she would die of SIDS next to me in my bed. Who said life was fair?

Mother's Day

It's funny about Mother's Day. About the time I was old enough to appreciate my mother, I was a mother. I had Rhiannon 8 days after Mother's Day 1988. I was a mom. I held her and fed her and loved her. Then I wasn't a mother. For 5 years I watched other mother's and felt cheated and angry, but most of all I was by myself in my agony. Then Loughlin was born. For 15 years I had motherhood bliss. Cyrus 2 yrs after and then True 3 yrs after that. Maya, my beautiful girl 2 yrs later and followed by Giles and then the biggest surprise was Lea. I was so blessed and happy. Pregnancy was horrible for me. I felt sick everyday. Threw up everyday including delivery day but it was so worth it. My kids were my everything, They still are. But Mother's Day I would rather skip it , pretend like it isn't there. I love my mom and wish her a happy day but I wish that for her everyday. I guess I should be 5/7's happy I know. It is the missing chairs, the missing smiles, and laughs. It is just missing. I am not sleeping again. The letters from the lawyers are coming in the mail again, When will this nightmare end?