Unraveling

Like a small thread you catch with your toe and don't notice until it is too late or the noodles wrapped around your fork that come undone right before you reach your mouth, this is my life it seems. You can only hide your true feelings for so long. Somehow they escape like the breath you have held for so long, your lungs want to burst. I am tired of feeling this way, tired of feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders. I am just not that tough anymore. I don't have the desire to fight through.
My faith is dwindling once again. I wish it wasn't true but I try to get these thoughts out of my mind but they linger like the smell of your perfume from the night before. I have just chosen to live my life the best I can. Some things you have done never go away. They are seared into your skin like a brand on an old cow. The hair starts to cover it after many years but if you look real close you can still see it. She will carry it with her to the slaughterhouse, as will I.

Christmas Wish

My Christmas wish of just a little peace came through. I found helps that are working. I feel about 80% good and I am so grateful. I wanted to enjoy my family through the holiday and I have. Christmas was wonderful. I missed Loughlin so much but it was different. I have found a way of still enjoying the rest of these beautiful children God has granted me and yet yearn for the ones I am without. Today Harlen and I are celebrating 19 years as a married couple. Our life certainly hasn't been easy but us together feels stronger than it ever was.

We took our kids to see the new Narnia last week. So many quotes popped out of that movie for me but the one I loved most was something like, "I have spent far too long thinking about what was taken from me, instead of all that has been given to me." I am far from making this quote a reality but I am trying everyday now. I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas. Thank you so much for all the words of encouragement throughout the last 2 years. You will never know how grateful I am. My heart is so full of love for everyone in my life.

Humble enough to listen

Yesterday I received some new advice. I think I was willing to listen because I have been feeling like I am at the bottom of the barrel again. I am swimming round and round trying to find some kind of traction.

I don't know him well but what he said eased my guilt and sorrow just a bit. He asked me if I was still angry. I said yes. He said that is a bad area of the grief process to get stuck in. He asked me if I have been told I couldn't be angry. Well we all know the answer to that question. He told me not to feel bad about being angry especially at God. He said God can handle it and He only wants me to get better fast. I loved hearing those words. I am so full of guilt that it took just a little bit away. Now if only the other person I am angry at could get strong enough to handle it.

Wishing for Clarence

Sunday in church an older lady piped in her opinion on losing children. I assume it was pointed to me since in the last 5 years I am the only one to lose a child in the ward. She has never lost a child but her daughter lost a baby. I guess that makes her an expert on these matters. She said that if you kept the commandments in time your feelings of loss would be lifted.If you are sensing cynicism here you are correct in your assumption. I am tired of being lectured on these matters from people who have not an incline of what I am feeling.



This brings me to my favorite movie at Christmas time, "It's a Wonderful Life". If God could only send an angel to open the hearts of those around us to make them feel what it is like to lose children, maybe they might understand the magnitude, maybe they wouldn't open their mouths.


If your want to know what it is like, close your eyes for a moment. Imagine your life without your oldest. If they are older, without their spouse, their children, your grandchildren in your life. Imagine watching all of their friends children around you grow up, dating, driving, graduating, marrying, all of those joys gone. No grandchildren, no accomplishments, nothing but loneliness. Watch your other children grow up without their sister in their lives. I am not done now imagine your second oldest gone too. All of his future stolen from you, no nothing. Watch your third oldest struggle each day just to survive. He was in that crash. His legs aren't the same. His mind will never be the same. He was a great student, straight a's, nothing out of his reach. His goals as big as the mind they grew in but now he can't concentrate on a seemingly easy assignment. Your next son use to be so happy, always smiling, but now he is so angry. You watch all of your sons friends smiling, happy, driving, dating, turning 17 but he was only 15. He is gone. He will never be with you again. All of this guilt on your shoulder. Remembering yourself screaming at the accident, "What have I done?" The future ramifications not even known at the time. Can you even imagine? You relive those hours over and over in your mind and yet life still moves around you. You are expected to pick up the pieces when you can't even pick yourself up off the ground most days. Last night I wept to my husband. I cant do this. I am failing. I can't raise these children now. I use to have my hands on everything they do, now I can't even get their clothes washed for school, their homework is almost never finished. Part of me wants to stay in bed and pull the cover over my eyes. Another part wants someone else to try. It isn't fair to my kids that I can't keep up on my responsibility. I have tried, God knows I am trying. So please don't lecture me on what I should do and how it gets easier. 22 years and 2 years later there is no easement. I am so tired. I at times feel as though I am crawling through life on my hands and knees, have because I am praying for help and half because I cannot stand. Please don't make me feel like a bigger failure than I already do. I wanted better for my children but now because of an alarm clock and
a parked farm truck and my inability to protect my children, they are either gone or struggling and will struggle throughout their lives.

Fasting for Peace

Harlen and I are fasting tonight and tomorrow for some help with my medicine and for some peace in my heart. My soul is growing weary and I have so much to do. It is hard trying to get anything accomplished when you are in a state of panic all of the time. I am missing my boy so much. While cleaning out a drawer the other day I found an old memory stick with a few pictures on it. What a hidden treasure. Christmas is so hard without all your children to bless each day.

Random thoughts

My thoughts seem to be moving at the speed of light. Sounds and lights are startling me. My hands are shaking. My stomach fluttering. The anger is bubbling up like lava. Is it the giant that is awakening again? My energy is being used to hold it all in. My eyes dart around the room. I feel angst to almost every soul there. I remember everything, everything ever said or done to me. Don't speak at me. I promise to find a mistake in whatever gurgles from your lips.

Tonight as I drove home, in my own world, 5 head of deer ahead, and yet I don't see them until I am through, 2 on one side 3 on the other. Was this God showing me that he is watching out for me? But why didn't he watch out for me October 27, 2008? Now I don't care. I was alone. The only one I could have hurt was me. It probably would be for the best. I think it is a satirical comedy, my life. I see so many around thinking life would be better without me in it. Well thanks for joining in my song. 2 years ago it could have been me , then no one would have to threaten their own salvation with their thoughts of hatred and superiority when I am around. (see I can think of others)

Oh yah I didn't let, I forced. I am not a monster!

Thank God for my family. They see past my total imperfection. They love me through it all.

More than 2 years

For more than 2 years now I have awoke to a feeling of pure panic. There is no rhyme or reason to why this is the way it is. It is a product of the trauma I have been through. I am exhausted. I have tried so many ways to alleviate the stress and anxiety but so far nothing has worked. I am praying for a moment of peace. It seems I pray all day long. So my only wish for Christmas this year is calm in my soul once again.

Forgiveness

I am starting to believe that forgiveness is a sham. A lie given to us to make us feel better about the bad things we have done. It is easier to walk through life thinking that nobody looks down on you for your performance, for your bad decisions. It isn't true though. I am not saying people don't try, I just don't believe it is possible to succeed.They believe the atonement is just for others.