I have a really hard time not being hard on myself after this accident. I blame myself for the actual wreck but I also scrutinize the way I raised Loughlin. I am especially hard on myself because I was so very strict with him, many rules, high expectations.
I thought today though that I never set out to raise 15 year old boys. I wanted to raise men. My intent was to raise my sons to be the fathers, workers and leaders of tomorrow. If I had known I would only have Loughlin for a mere 15 years, I would have parented completely different. the things that were important on the eternal basis would not have changed but the temporal things would not have been important. Grades and work would have taken a back seat to fun and pleasure. We would have went fishing instead of reading Charles Dickens. I would have taught more about hunting and less about algebra.
These last few days have been so long and I am looking for anything to help raise the mood. Giles and Maya started soccer last Friday. I was taken back to the fun times with Loughlin during the Fall when the rest of the kids were participating in sports and me and Lough would talk, go to the store and just hang out. It made me miss him. I looked over at the skate park and remembered Loughlin attempting the jumps.(He was always so careful, he didn't take many chances)It made me ache for his company, for his smile, for his laugh. I am having a hard time looking forward to a life without him in it. This soccer season may be the longest in history, certainly the hardest. This started a series of unfortunate days. I can't sleep, study or smile. I am exhausted that makes me over-emotional and I cry at the landing of the snow geese in my field(Loughlin always wanted to shoot one) or looking out at only 3 steers for the fair instead of 4 or making brownies on Sunday afternoon(a job Lough relished in). I am just tired of being tired.
5 comments:
I thought of Loughlin on Friday too. I remembered when he would play w/Giles and Connor. I am here for you anytime and don't let others bring you down. ((hugs))
There is a reason you raised him to be a man. Don't punish yourself for that. He is most likely using those skills right now, doing work that needs to be done. I'm sure you were an awesome mother to Loughlin and still are to the rest of your children. Don't kick yourself when you are down. I hope life looks up for you soon too. I'm so sorry that it hurts so much. Loves, Nicole Holland - Mia's mom ^i^
You don't know me - I'm not even sure how I found your blog. I've been in your position - although everyone is different. I was driving, it was my daughter, she was just tiny, not in carseat.........many many years ago. She would have been 31 last week. Time will heal, that I promise, and.....I KNOW that your son does not blame you and neither does Father. Please don't blame yourself. Please accept my love and condolences. Let the Savior's atonement work in your behalf. He has felt YOUR pain and YOUR sorrow. Turn to Him.
I read your blog, because I too have lost a child, a newborn son. He would be 15yrs now. I guess I set out to raise men and only gave birth before my Josh went to heaven. I look at life different...your Loughln is watching. God Bless you and your family
Hey Kenda,
You are such an incredible mom! You raised Loughlin to be kind, caring and look out for the underdog! He was so good to Brandon and others who needed his love! Some of the things you are hard on yourself for, are also your STRENGTHS!!!
Please be gentle with yourself right now! Loughlin would want the best for you! He loves you so much and so do we! You continue to be in my prayers!
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