I cried today, not my usual cry for a few minutes and then recover, I cried until my eyes were blurry, my throat ached, my hands trembled. I walked outside to cry out to a Lord that doesn't feel present anymore, asking for some relief from this overwhelming anguish that encompasses my heart. Why? Why? Why? Why? I thought I had given enough. Why take him from me too. Why when you took my first and changed my life forever. Why would you feel a need to take another? Why leave all of the other mothers with their children clinging to them, smiling at them, making them proud. Why make me watch and listen as those young men pass the sacrament, bear their testimonies and talk about how strong they are growing in the gospel? Is it fair? Are my shoulders able to carry this burden? My soul is in agony. It is so easy for some to keep their testimonies strong when nothing ever destabilizes it, touches it, crushes it. But I am clinging on to mine with my fingernails, I am slipping, so many questions and no one to answer them. It is God's way or God's way is not our way or Loughlin was needed in Heaven, or Loughlin is in a better place,or his death brought a community together(my least favorite) all answers that fall flat on an aching heart. There is no shelter from this storm, no cover for my life. It is getting harder not easier. I do not know the way out of this tempest. He is not here to calm it. The gale is getting stronger and I am alone in my pain.
1 comment:
Kenda There are no comments that will comfort you--some will even make you want to slap some of them--you are the only one that can make yourself smile again. Don't be too hard on yourself--it hasn't been that long. You are right on target and it doesn't get easier for quite a long time. You will have goo and bad days, but having lost a child and a husband I know that i am not the same person I was nor will I ever be. I believe I am better most of the time and have been able to help many that have gone thru similar circumstances and that has brought me great peace. Do I still break down after 32 years and ten years--you darn right I do--do I still wonder why--you bet I do. I jus know that the Gospel gives us peace we can;t find anywhere else. I also believe that no righteous man dies before his time and neither will you or I. I should have died right along with John--I am only alive because it is a part of God's plan which I don't understand but must have faith that He knoes what He is doing. People do love you and just really don't know how to help you--Enjoy the good days and cry on the bad. I love you and think about you lots. Karenas MOM
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