Happiness evades me.

Spring Break, a break from school that I usually love, that I look forward to since the end of Christmas break. There is nothing that I use to enjoy more than having all of my kids home with me for a whole week, just us, catching up, having fun, spring projects, readying for the garden but not this year. Each thought comes with so much sorrow, so much regret, so much longing that I can barely handle the pain. I can feel my heart beat outside my chest, I cannot breath without a struggle, I am physically sick. I see the world changing but I hope not my life. I want to stay where I am at. I want to stay in a place where I will not forget, where I will miss him everyday, where I will remember his sweet smile because I know there comes a time when the memories fade along with the pain. I think I would rather keep both than lose him in my mind. I will take the pain for an eternity if that means I can remember his laugh, the way he loved my chocolate chip cookies or begged to go fishing. If I lose him like I did Rhiannon, the memories, I will be lost. He was my first boy, the one I invested my heart and soul into, the one who could do anything he tried with little effort, the one who knew how important some things were in life and how meaningless other things were. He was mature beyond his years and always reached out. He would worry about Harlen and I every time we left home. He would call three or four times while we were on a date just to check in. There are no calls now, no when are you going to be home, no watching the clock to see if we make it before midnight. Everyone is asleep when we get home now. I miss him so much it is hard to live. Is he still watching out for the little ones? Is he still watching out for his mom and dad?