I just returned from a road trip to California with Harlen to deliver bulls. It was a very tough two days, missing my kids who were home and going to Red Bluff, a place where our family spent so many years together working and having so much fun. I lost my phone on the trip. I must have kicked it out on one of our stops. I could care less about the phone but I do care about what was on it, text messages from Loughlin, that now like him are gone forever. I find it ironic how just a month ago I was elated to have found those messages in a folder they did not belong in on my phone. How grateful I was to have something from Loughlin to me that I could cherish but just like the mug he had given me in the 4th grade, that I broke, his messages are gone because of a careless mistake on my part. I am finding everyday of this mundane life of mine extremely difficult. I am so bitter over losing Lough that I have a difficult time enjoying life's simple pleasures(if there are any). Depression has taken a deep hold on my mind, making me tired, and indifferent to my surroundings. How did it get to be Spring? The last thing I really remember was wondering what the kids were going to be for Halloween..... then Loughlin was lying there, not moving and my family's life is changed forever. At times I don't think I am going to make it through. No one can answer my questions, there answers are in a circular, non-meaningful pattern. It all surrounds faith, of which I have little. I am just breathing today, nothing else, no goals, no laughter, no light.
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