No other place to go......

I find I turn to my blog when there is no other place to go. This is sometime my only consolation, my only solace, my only only. Sometimes I feel I am at a breaking point and there really is no other place in my mind I can escape. I really truly believe that everyone around me wants me to be and do something that I am not capable of doing. Somehow now after losing two kids, I should be happy all of the time, that I should think life is one giant slumber party and there is as much coke as you can drink at all times, and that somehow because I don't believe that way I am not what I should be. Do you think I sit around all day crying and feeling sorry for myself? I think my kids would disagree. I can find joy in the moment, finding joy in the future is what is so difficult. You know even before losing Rhiannon I was not that way. I always had a keen sense that life was not like that and never would be.

 I know you are saying maybe it was some kind of self-fulfilling prophecy, if I only had that much power over my life. Some think I am a psychopath that I don't feel bad about anything, that I am far from humble, that I am angry,  unapologetic. Then on the other side I have those who think I need to get past the guilt, I know what guilt, that I wallow in self pity, that the guilt is ruining my other 5 kids' life,( nothing like piling on that guilt), that I need to get past Loughlin's death,(no mention of Rhiannon's) but hey they were nice enough to tell me I can bring his memory with me. I know you jest but I don't. In the world of peacocks and lemon drops I see no finish line in fact my line has moved and let the defense in, my protectors no longer exist but I dare say I don't think they ever did.
When will I gain enough courage to be myself and tell the ones around me who would like to tell me who to be, to get the Hell out of the way, out of my mind, and if necessary out of my life?

Just to let all you helpful naysayers out, I am happy. I have said it so many times. I am happy and grateful for so many things, but  to expect me to be happy and grateful about 2 of my babies dying is what I would call a funny kind of deranged!