Questions?

Just a short post to ask a simple question. I have been reading a lot about the tornadoes and destruction in the South. I read one comment that said , "God has blessed us today, all of our family made it out alive." If this statement is true, what does that say about the ones who didn't survive?

Were the one that survived God's chosen? Then the ones that died were???????..........And then so on, were those families not blessed?

I tire of this conversation but it really makes little sense to the sensible mind.

Our boys are Juniors after all

Today while eating lunch with Harlen, one of Loughlin's old friends mother struck up a conversation with me. She was asking how the kids were doing, how old they were? After I told her she said that's hard to believe but our boys are Juniors after all. No your boy is a junior and mine well........The jury is still out. I thought I was ok with what she said but I am not, now I am back in that feeling sorry for me state. I HATE THIS LIFE!!!!!! Everyone around me is growing, moving and I am stuck. He has 2. I have 5. what will be the final count?

The Easter Promise

You would think that Easter would make a parent of a child, who has died, peaceful, but quite the opposite can be said for me. I have been angry for about 4 days. I couldn't get my head around why, but I know why now. I am having the same reaction as I do to talks and lessons on Death and Resurrection. I feel like screaming at the top of my voice, "BRING HIM BACK TOO." Crazy, I know but I can't rid my mind of the turbulence it causes. I can handle Rhiannon's death a little easier because of the promise of raising her, if it is all true, but Loughlin will never experience any of those events teenagers and young adults do. Please don't give me that he is doing more important things. What could possibly be more important than being the most incredible big brother on the planet. His siblings need him, and isn't there a saying "Family First", just not for our family.

Different Places

In the last 3 weeks I am in a different place in this mourning process. I can breath. I don't think anyone that hasn't lost a child could know this feeling or even some that have lost a child couldn't .( I never felt this after losing Rhiannon) For 2+ years I actually breathed in, fully in my lungs but never felt any relief. The feeling when you lift your head to breath at the pool and a wave comes crashing in your mouth is close to this but it is as if every time you lift your head, every time you need that air it is not there. I now get some relief some of the time. I am happier. I feel like maybe I can make it through this life. I can actually say that I get in my car to drive and don't pray that someone will take me out of this misery. I am getting closer everyday to my husband and my children. I think for a time I believed that if I backed away and something happened to any of them it wouldn't hurt this bad again. I think the EMDR is helping. I still have so far to go though. My testimony is struggling still. In conference I would listen to the talks and if it mentioned trial, adversity or even eternal life, I toned out. I can't listen to it. I will never believe this was for my good. Everyday I miss Loughlin & Rhiannon so much. This life seems to drag on without them and yet seems to fly by with the rest of my babies. They are all so grown up.

South Dakota

I spent the weekend with Harlen traveling over a thousand miles to a bull sale in south Dakota. We were exhausted when we arrived home last night at 12:30 in the morning. It was a fun trip though. We drove and drove and drove. We awoke early Saturday morning(4am) and drove 4 hrs so that we would have enough time to find a bull we liked. The only problem is they had received 18 inches of snow the day before and postponed the sale 3 hrs. Lost winks.....We found a great bull though and made it back to the hotel a lot later than we had planned, just to wake the next morning and drive 10 1/2 hrs home. Traveled through West Yellowstone and saw wild Buffaloes and Big Horn sheep, about 3 ft of snow on the side of the road. Listened to conference again on the way. When do you think those adversity and eternal life talks will get any easier? I find myself getting better at toning them out.

Dragging Feet

OK confession time. I haven't had a valid driver's licence in over a year. No I'm not vain and I am not worried about a new picture and weight question. Really things in my life are far from trivial. I think subconsciously I have wanted to get caught without one, then I would not get to drive. I would not have to have my kids in the car with me where I am totally responsible for their well being, where I don't trust myself any longer, where the sounds and lights and memories flood in without any dam to hold them back. When I drive I am a nervous wreck, cars on both sides of me, it feels as if I am being swallowed up in this huge wave. I am not in control. You would think after 2+ years I would have lost some of this but no it is here, it is so strong that I really wished I would have lost my right to drive.

Now Cyrus also has been 15 for almost a year. He has had no desire to get his permit. I can't imagine why?(sarcasm added) I probably have even subconsciously aided in his reluctance to drive. Now you all know how seriously insane I am. And on top of all that Loughlin had asked for a month before he died if he could go get his permit but I always had some excuse not to take him. GUILT on top of ANXIETY sugared with PANIC doused with a large amount of GRIEF not a very good mix.

Long beginning to a short story. Well today we got it all together, the two of us, and went to the DMV to take the test. We missed the time deadline by 15 minutes.Actually had all of our paperwork in order. REALLY? Now I have to get the courage to do it all again tomorrow. Even if I pass the test I have to pass a driving test. I will be a lot worse than a 16 year old. Maybe I still won't be legal to drive. I need something for my nerves tonight. I am what I did 2 years ago. WRECK!!!!!

Funny how

It's funny how you feel like you are getting better for a while. I even caught myself with a real gut laugh, you know the kind when your whole body trembles. My girls and I were laying in my bed and Lea said something so funny that we sat and laughed for about 10 minutes. Then in church on Sunday we were sitting by this great family who has kids about the same age as mine and we were probably being too noisy then at the end of the meeting the long praying lady got up to say the closing prayer. I know some will think I am being sacrilegious but every ward has one, one that their prayer is like a sermon with brief intermissions that they become all eclept . (SNL church lady word) Anyway I found myself laughing when True's best friend gave out a snore. It was a sincere belly laugh. I can't remember the last time I had done that.

But then today I awoke with this feeling of dread again, of longing, missing. My heart is so heavy. I read birthday wishes on Facebook of some of Loughlin's old friends turning 17. 17, what would he be today? What would he look like? What would he do in his spare time? What would his car look like? Prom was last weekend, all of these things hurt, hurt so much. My soul is once again in agony. Cyrus and True went flying yesterday for scouts. I was a basket-case. The thought of them being in a plane together and something going wrong was horrifying. Harlen kept telling me they still have to live, but I worry so much. The pilot told Harlen they have a greater chance of getting in a car wreck on the way to Ontario than crashing in a plane. Thanks for reminding..........

Telemarketers and a new low

I really am trying to keep up a good attitude, turn over this new leaf that seems to be working, but the powers that be seem to always work against me. After the cemetery debacle, I woke up yesterday determined to find some kind of good in the day. I had breakfast with my hubby came home with the energy to get it done. Then the phone rang and I answered, usually I don't answer unknown numbers but hey I am turning over that new leaf I can handle about anything, I thought. The lady says, Hello Mrs. Garner....I was wondering if your son is interested in some SAT material to help him do well on the test. I kept listening, Cyrus is a sophomore. She continues I am sure it would be helpful to your son, Loughlin still is planning to go to college?. At that moment my heart dropped, my soul ached. I replied no he isn't, he died. Gulp, Tears.....She returned with sorry, click! I am sorry too. I spent the rest of the day picking my tattered heart up off the ground. I am sure there will be many more where that come from. The college offers come in the mail at a rate of once a week. I am still missing you son, every moment of every day. Wish I could hear your voice.

Cemetery woes

*****Update****

I just got back from the cemetery. Everything and I mean everything was piled in this huge pile full of crap and dead flowers and I am angry. They only clean off the graves 2 weeks after Memorial Day and then they post it in advance. I have been crying since. I feel the Mother Bear coming out. There is not much i can do for my son now but I can keep his grave beautiful.

Harlen and i just drove past the cemetery and all of the flowers, chimes and other decorations were gone. I knew they cleaned up after Memorial Day but have no idea why it is all gone today. The cemetery was haunting without the bright colors to glimmer it up. I have been awful careful about keeping his little space looking nice. I can't keep the house up but I can keep that little area looking beautiful. Off to find out what is going on.

Happy B-Day Giles

I think some who read this blog might think that i am always down, always distressing. I have a busy life, 5 kids and a husband whom I love. We have a farm and ranch that keeps all 7 of us so busy. My heart aches each and everyday over the loss of our son. This blog is my way to sort through the raw feelings that make their way into my heart and soul and mind. When I get them out on the computer screen I can take the good and leave the bad but at least I get them out.

I could start using it as somewhat of a journal too but it is hard to mix the sane and insane so lets just keep it insane........

Giles had his 9th birthday on Saturday. He got tons of money, which he loves, and had a blast at the Y with his family and four friends. He is one lucky boy. He shares that b irthday with my beloved Grandma and a wonderful cousin both of whom I miss a so much.

Punishment

What would you like me to do? I think he has been punished enough......... Is it about punishment?

Hands

Every person, every child has a reason why they died, but a mother's pain and guilt is strong when that reason lies solely in her own hands.

"Already it is time to depart, for me to die, for you to go on living. Which of us takes the better course, is not known to anyone but God." Socrates