Back to School

Today I head back to school for the Spring quarter. I am nervous and anxious. Class starts at 8am. I better start moving.

Sadness

I wish that my good days out numbered the bad but no matter how I try I cannot keep the happiness with me. I am tired of trying, tired of church and church related activities that make me feel worse than I already do. I am looking for a vacation from anything religious, spiritual or activities meaning to uplift my spirit. they seem to have an opposite effect on my soul. I just miss my son more than I can explain in words. I miss Rhiannon now too. There is an emptiness that engulfs my soul. I am happy around my kids but it wears me out, I have never been much of an actress.

Cute pictures of Lough and Cy and Keenan when they were young.

Thanks Holly!

A Pretty Great Day!

Yesterday Harlen took the day off and all of us went to Boondocks for a day of fun. We began at a very fun restaurant that serves all sorts of wings, then off to laser tag, race tracks, miniature golf and video games. It was a day of small miracles and coincidences, that weren't simply coincidences. The most important thing is that we had a great time! The kids were happy, for the first time in a long time I saw smiles, not make believe but real smiles on their beautiful faces. I am grateful for that.
While miniature golfing I got 5 hole in ones out of the first 6 holes, some of these were one handed because I was carrying Maya's purse wit the other, some were blinded because I wasn't paying attention, the most incredible one was helping Lea. The ball bounced off the rock about 3 ft in the air and then landed in the hole. It was amazing!!
Cyrus was awesome at slick track and True gave Lea a great ride on the Road Track. Maya and Giles enjoyed everything, especially the crazy games they win tickets on. Harlen and I were happy just watching the joy.
Kelly Trout, our auctioneer for our bull sale, was there. Harlen and him had a good chat, then much to our surprise Cyrus' and Maya's nurse from St. Alphonsus came up to talk to us all. She just happens to be Kelly's niece. She was the most incredible nurse. She made those most difficult days bearable. We wanted so bad to get a hold of her but neither could remember her name. We had thought of her often wanting to do something nice for her, in return for her kindness. She just happened to be the niece of another who was a gift in our life. Kelly did such a wonderful job on our sale this year and really helped make another hard day easier.
I thought of Loughlin often yesterday. Boondocks was his favorite place to go. We forgot our camera which is terrible because it was a day worth remembering.
I talked to my bishop a couple of nights ago too. As my posts have told I am in a real difficult time in this grieving process. I have more questions than answers and they seem to weigh heavy on my heart. Bishop didn't offer the answers but he did give me some hints on how to get out of the darkness. Sometimes it is hard to serve others when your own storm is so fierce but that is what I am going to put my heart and soul into, that is when I shine and that is the only way out of this fog. I even prayed today, a real prayer. I am hoping for some better days. I am hoping for my Father's love to be with me.
Eric Clapton sings two beautiful songs that I love, one is Tears in Heaven and the other is 'My Father's Eyes'. He lost a son a couple of years ago and these songs he wrote in his storm. I enjoy listening to them. I love that he found God through his trial. I thought it ironic that he found God and I was losing my faith in God. That thought alone has made me look for my faith again.

Happiness evades me.

Spring Break, a break from school that I usually love, that I look forward to since the end of Christmas break. There is nothing that I use to enjoy more than having all of my kids home with me for a whole week, just us, catching up, having fun, spring projects, readying for the garden but not this year. Each thought comes with so much sorrow, so much regret, so much longing that I can barely handle the pain. I can feel my heart beat outside my chest, I cannot breath without a struggle, I am physically sick. I see the world changing but I hope not my life. I want to stay where I am at. I want to stay in a place where I will not forget, where I will miss him everyday, where I will remember his sweet smile because I know there comes a time when the memories fade along with the pain. I think I would rather keep both than lose him in my mind. I will take the pain for an eternity if that means I can remember his laugh, the way he loved my chocolate chip cookies or begged to go fishing. If I lose him like I did Rhiannon, the memories, I will be lost. He was my first boy, the one I invested my heart and soul into, the one who could do anything he tried with little effort, the one who knew how important some things were in life and how meaningless other things were. He was mature beyond his years and always reached out. He would worry about Harlen and I every time we left home. He would call three or four times while we were on a date just to check in. There are no calls now, no when are you going to be home, no watching the clock to see if we make it before midnight. Everyone is asleep when we get home now. I miss him so much it is hard to live. Is he still watching out for the little ones? Is he still watching out for his mom and dad?

The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.

I just returned from a road trip to California with Harlen to deliver bulls. It was a very tough two days, missing my kids who were home and going to Red Bluff, a place where our family spent so many years together working and having so much fun. I lost my phone on the trip. I must have kicked it out on one of our stops. I could care less about the phone but I do care about what was on it, text messages from Loughlin, that now like him are gone forever. I find it ironic how just a month ago I was elated to have found those messages in a folder they did not belong in on my phone. How grateful I was to have something from Loughlin to me that I could cherish but just like the mug he had given me in the 4th grade, that I broke, his messages are gone because of a careless mistake on my part. I am finding everyday of this mundane life of mine extremely difficult. I am so bitter over losing Lough that I have a difficult time enjoying life's simple pleasures(if there are any). Depression has taken a deep hold on my mind, making me tired, and indifferent to my surroundings. How did it get to be Spring? The last thing I really remember was wondering what the kids were going to be for Halloween..... then Loughlin was lying there, not moving and my family's life is changed forever. At times I don't think I am going to make it through. No one can answer my questions, there answers are in a circular, non-meaningful pattern. It all surrounds faith, of which I have little. I am just breathing today, nothing else, no goals, no laughter, no light.

Homework

I am trying to accomplish 4 weeks of homework in 2 days. I went to bed late last night and I am sure tonight will be even later. Two finals tomorrow and then I am done for 2 weeks. I am very excited and can't wait for a couple of days with girlfriends just to unwind and relax add in one trip to Utah to deliver bulls and maybe life will seem a little better. I plan on painting my living room a very sunny color also. Wish me luck. Today seems better maybe because I am so very busy. Never an hour goes by without missing my young man.

I am for a 6 day week, forget Sunday!

I cried today, not my usual cry for a few minutes and then recover, I cried until my eyes were blurry, my throat ached, my hands trembled. I walked outside to cry out to a Lord that doesn't feel present anymore, asking for some relief from this overwhelming anguish that encompasses my heart. Why? Why? Why? Why? I thought I had given enough. Why take him from me too. Why when you took my first and changed my life forever. Why would you feel a need to take another? Why leave all of the other mothers with their children clinging to them, smiling at them, making them proud. Why make me watch and listen as those young men pass the sacrament, bear their testimonies and talk about how strong they are growing in the gospel? Is it fair? Are my shoulders able to carry this burden? My soul is in agony. It is so easy for some to keep their testimonies strong when nothing ever destabilizes it, touches it, crushes it. But I am clinging on to mine with my fingernails, I am slipping, so many questions and no one to answer them. It is God's way or God's way is not our way or Loughlin was needed in Heaven, or Loughlin is in a better place,or his death brought a community together(my least favorite) all answers that fall flat on an aching heart. There is no shelter from this storm, no cover for my life. It is getting harder not easier. I do not know the way out of this tempest. He is not here to calm it. The gale is getting stronger and I am alone in my pain.

Raising Men

I have a really hard time not being hard on myself after this accident. I blame myself for the actual wreck but I also scrutinize the way I raised Loughlin. I am especially hard on myself because I was so very strict with him, many rules, high expectations.

I thought today though that I never set out to raise 15 year old boys. I wanted to raise men. My intent was to raise my sons to be the fathers, workers and leaders of tomorrow. If I had known I would only have Loughlin for a mere 15 years, I would have parented completely different. the things that were important on the eternal basis would not have changed but the temporal things would not have been important. Grades and work would have taken a back seat to fun and pleasure. We would have went fishing instead of reading Charles Dickens. I would have taught more about hunting and less about algebra.

These last few days have been so long and I am looking for anything to help raise the mood. Giles and Maya started soccer last Friday. I was taken back to the fun times with Loughlin during the Fall when the rest of the kids were participating in sports and me and Lough would talk, go to the store and just hang out. It made me miss him. I looked over at the skate park and remembered Loughlin attempting the jumps.(He was always so careful, he didn't take many chances)It made me ache for his company, for his smile, for his laugh. I am having a hard time looking forward to a life without him in it. This soccer season may be the longest in history, certainly the hardest. This started a series of unfortunate days. I can't sleep, study or smile. I am exhausted that makes me over-emotional and I cry at the landing of the snow geese in my field(Loughlin always wanted to shoot one) or looking out at only 3 steers for the fair instead of 4 or making brownies on Sunday afternoon(a job Lough relished in). I am just tired of being tired.

Rainy Days and Mondays always get me down.

As a farmer's wife, I always use to change the words to this song to, Rainy days and Mondays always make me smile, but life has changed completely for me. Rainy days were great because Harlen did not have to work and could spend some time with us and Mondays always seemed new because of the spiritual strength I had just received from Sunday. Harlen use to smile when I sang along with that song on the radio but changed the words. Yesterday I heard the song again and thought how ironic that it is exactly opposite of how it use to be. Rainy days are hard to handle when you are already trying to keep a smile on your face. It seems the darkness easily creeps in when you can find no sunshine. And each Monday I relive the morning of the accident. I go through in my mind what we were doing that morning and it is always eerily the same as it was every Monday morning before and after but because of one thing that was different, my life will never be the same. As Uchtdorf once commented on, it is all a matter of degrees, how just small degrees can change everything.

Harlen is completely down with his back. He can barely stand for a few minutes. He has so much to do and the stress can not be good. I am hoping he will ask for a blessing soon. If it helped just a little bit I would be grateful.

I dreamed of Loughlin last night. It was a little strange but it was still him and how it use to be. It is the first time since the accident that I have seen him in my dreams. I am exhausted, maybe that is the key though to get really tired. I loved seeing him even if it was make believe. I love him.

One of my Best Friends in the whole world and her new grandbaby Stella Louise Thompson. Congratulations Norm and Julie, she is so beautiful.

It seems forever since I posted

I wanted to post on a good day for once. The last three days have been manageable once again for me. I have been busy and have kept my thoughts in check, which is a gold medal feat for me. I still have doubts that creep in but I believe now it is something I will work through in my own time. I cannot force a testimony on myself. I can feel God around me most of the time. I can feel him comfort me when I ask. I know he has blessed my family's lives throughout these last four months and still blesses us each day.
Harlen's back is giving him trouble. He has so much to do and it worries me that he is stuck in here thinking of everything he needs to get done. I wish I could help take some of his burden but I am not that good of a farmer.
I am still cautious about feeling secure. There are days when I look for things that could go wrong but I am strengthened by my families love, in knowing that we will deal with the trials as they are presented. I think it was Lincoln that once said, Thank God the future comes one day at a time. for each day for me is a baby step back to a life that is joyful, certainly not the same joy I felt before losing Loughlin but I believe one day it will be a new joy, one that will feel most of the space in this lonely heart, that I will catch myself smiling just because I am happy and no other reason. Tonight I am thinking of the other moms of angels that are struggling. Know that I am praying for you as I know you do for me on my bad days.
I am hoping for a peaceful night.