Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Hollow Imposter
I thought this morning that my life feels like a hollow impostor of what it once was. I wake-up each morning same as I did 4 months ago but nothing is the same, not the way I shower, nor how I get ready(if I do), how I wake-up the kids or take them to school. Everything is different. I am trying so hard everyday to make life as normal as I can for my husband and my kids. This morning I broke down after taking Lea to preschool. I stopped at Loughlin's grave, which we have not finalized the headstone for yet, and cried and yelled inside to God; why does he keeps sending me trials that are crippling my soul? It is said trials are to stretch the soul but I feel like Elastic woman without the super powers, like my soul has been stretched so much it is sagging like after someone loses a whole bunch of weight there skin sags. They were once full like me, full of life and joy but it is gone and all there is left is sagging skin and souls. I use to find joy in reading and studying but I cannot control my thought long enough to enjoy the knowledge. I watch Cyrus and True and they are the same way. They cannot stay on task. Their thoughts wander and long projects are impossible to finish. How do we get back to a real life and not a replica of a life? How do I hold this once impermeable family together? How do I open my heart again to my husband, to others when I am so frightened of being crushed, broke, stifled. I pray everyday to my Father in Heaven to help me take these walls down, but I keep building them higher, stronger. Harlen told me this morning that he thought I was too strong; How can one be too strong when they feel whipped, wilted, wore out?
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2 comments:
Hold on, try to smile through the pain. Oh, how sorry I am for you in your trials. I work with a lady in our Young Womens who, like you, lost 2 children. She is such an example to me. Her first daughter died of sids and her oldest son died when he was about 17. (drinking accident) I'm sure your heart is so weighted down right now. I wish there was something that I could say that would lighten your load today. Just know that God does love you. Death is so very hard. My thoughts and prayers are with you today. Love, Nicole - Mia's mom
We have an exchange student, Jovana, right now who speaks excellent English. She is friends with other exchange students who we've had in our home. Most of them have had a similar number of years of English classes before coming, but Jovana speaks better than all of them. It could just be that she's incredibly intelligent...but I have a different theory. She speaks without fear. She'll say the wrong words or phrases...and we help her correct her words and grammar. She loves being in our home with small children because we often stop for them and give them meanings behind our big words. We take the time to teach her and she is always ready to listen and willing to practice.
I think that in this terrible journey we are on we can draw strength from her example and the example of others. When we (I'm definitely including me here) live without fear and love without fear then God will bless us with the blessings we seek and need. It's a lot more obvious to others (like Jovana's English skills) that our trials have strengthened us. We just feel weak but the Lord is making us strong.
With much love,
Bridget
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