Finding joy in the moment.

Some of the feelings of regret I have, after the death of Loughlin, have to do with not finding joy in what we were doing at the time but always wondering when life would slow down or finding a time when we could have fun as a family. I have a lot of guilt because I wasted time on frivolous, trivial things when I could have spent that time with Loughlin. I read in a conference talk today a quote that says,"You pile up enough tomorrows, you'll find you have a lot of empty yesterdays" I am trying each day to make a memory with my remaining children here on Earth, to make sure they know I love them and to hug each one of them before they go to bed. How I wish I had just one more day to do each of those three things with Loughlin.

I wish at times I had a way to stop my thoughts or at least slow them down. I do not think there is a time in the day when I relax. I take every word someone says and dissect it. I look for meaning in things that are not meant to have a deeper meaning. I am tired of my thoughts. I am tired of questioning my faith. I am tired of thinking. Do you think there is a therapy out in the medical world that can stop the thought process if not just for an hour? Some peace would be nice, some solace, some comfort. My mind and soul will not allow any of these.

I know asking the question "why?" is not productive but it is where my minds seems to wander every day, almost every hour. Why did this happen? Why did God think I would be strong enough to handle this again? What did I do that was so bad to deserve this kind of pain? Did he take Loughlin because I am not a good enough mother to raise such a fine young man?

I am so grateful for this blog where I can just empty my feelings out on the screen and try to work through them. When I read my questions, I know the answers but I do not want to hear them. I am still angry. I know that my Savior felt all of this and more but I am not a God. I am but a mother, missing her son and having a hard time finding joy in the life that he left me. My children are my life and when 2/7 are taken it is hard to feel whole. Knowing I will have them both after the second coming is sometimes a hollow promise. It does little to take the pain that I feel now from my heart. The second coming could come tomorrow and I would be glad.

One of my all-time favorite shows is "It's a Wonderful Life". I sometimes question whether if I had to do it all over would I have chose this path with the pain accompanied with the joy or would I have chose another without a marriage and children. I am sure my answer is different today than it would have been 6 months ago or it will be even a year from now.