Monday May 30th, 1988 Memorial Day

Today marks 28 years since Rhiannon passed away. That is a long time. It is a Monday. It is Memorial Day, just like the day she died. The foundation of the headstone is failing. I would like to bring her up here with me. My parents are growing old and having a hard time taking care of it. 

I wonder if it is worth it? 

True's Graduation

M kids!

We had a great day with family and friends for True's graduation. 

He made me so proud graduating with honors.

He has such a great time in life.

After we had a big celebration party in the park below our house.

We had a great turnout. The day couldn't have been better.

Bullying/Abuse 10/28/2015

How do I start this post? I am disheartened. I have had problems with teachers and coaches in the past, my past and my kids' past, but this is WOW!

Last week on the anniversary of Loughlin's death the football coach( I use that word lightly) called True out of weights class to ask him, how many kids on the team liked True. True answered a lot, there my friends. He got in his face and said really how many? True answered, they like me. Then the coach told True not a single kid on the team liked True(not that nice). True is a big kid, 6ft. 3in. but he was crushed. He gave 4 years of his life to this man. He thought there was a mutual respect, even though when now pressed he knows he was an asshole for the whole 4 years.He always treated True poorly.

This the same man who took Loughlin's position away from him because he couldn't go to football camp for a week because we were haying. Loughlin quit soon afterwards, very smart.

This the same man who gave Cyrus a "C" in PE because he said Cyrus forgot his clothes, even though I had packed his bag the entire time and knew it wasn't true. I asked to see the records that he bragged he had and he told me to come by later, but I received a phone call from him saying he had conveniently threw the ledger away. Cyrus was a 4.0 student before this.

So much anger is pinned up inside me. I am not going to publish this until after the State game on Friday. I don't want to bring further angst down on my son. 

As a mom who has lost 2 children it is so hard for me not to hate this man, not to wish something horrible would happen to him, even hire someone to make him feel the way he has made my kids feel. It is sad. True loved football before him, loved! He excelled on every team.

This man also pulled True out of class many times in the last 2 years to push an LDS mission on him, during school hours, on school property. Clearly a violation of the Separation of Church & State.

Bitter Sweet Graduation videos

Giles graduated from 8th grade last night. I have never been a great fan of 8th grade graduation because I think it is just another grade on the the was to high school graduation. I feel like it is cutting the celebration a little early. But he made it. He barely made it at times but he did make it. He is popular and funny. He is stubborn as a mule, but it can be a good thing. He struggled a bit because of his surgery and subsequent time spent in the wheelchair. He had a difficult time catching up. I am proud of him for making it to the next level.

8th grade graduation is one of the last times I had a picture of Loughlin. Last night they did a slide show of all of the kids. They played current music to all of the pictures and video clips. Then right before a video of Giles showing off his yoyo skills the music changed to Green Day's, "Good Riddance", Loughlin's favorite song and group. The song was released in 1997. It is more than coincidence that this song was chosen, at least for me. Loughlin's way of saying great job Giles!

Happy 21st Birthday Cyrus.......busy busy

My Cyrus turned 21 yesterday. He is still at the U of O so our celebration is put off for a couple of weeks.  

We messaged each other in the morning about music. We called later at night.

He sounds great. He sounds happy. I can't wait for him to come home for the summer. 

Happy Birthday Cyrus. I love you more than life itself!

Last night Lea had a game in Vale at 6pm and a choir concert at 7 in Nyssa. (30 minutes apart)

We played 1 1/2 innings in Vale jumped in the van and sped off so she could sing in her concert. The team still won 13-0 and she sang beautifully. 

Maya also had her Select Choir Concert last night. I love to hear her sing. She has this low raspy voice mimicking Stevie Nicks. She is hypnotizing. 

The worst panic attack in years

I have had an interesting 7 weeks. I have felt sick for a lot of it, weak, lightheaded, nauseated, exhausted. Thy have performed a CVC on my blood 3 times. Nothing really telling but my white count is high. We tried a series of antibiotics but nothing changed in the white count.

My insurance booted Maya & me off for no proof of citizenship in the United States. I know haha but it has taken a while to prove our citizenship, actually we are not fully back on yet, but in the mean time my prescriptions came due. One of my meds is $460 for a refill without insurance. I decided I wasn't going to do it. I would go off cold turkey, just quit. It was horrible. I felt probably like a drug addict coming off heroine. I was shaking so bad I couldn't eat or drink without making a huge mess. It felt like my skin was a useless shell. I wanted to crawl out of it, peel it off. It was a rough 5 days. I made it though. I am back on my old med again. I am glad I went through it. My emotions are back. I have laughed more in the last week than I have in years. I have cried too, but at least I have both. Rhiannon's birthday and the stress of True's graduation and party are putting more weight on my shoulders and now softball has started. I am coaching 19 girls on Lea's team this year. Maya is helping but whew! That is stressful. We are 2-0 to start the season though.

Yesterday Lea hadn't felt good in the morning so I just kept her with me. We did a few errands around town. One of those errands was straightening out the workmen's comp insurance again....... The office is right across the street from the fire department...............
The sirens went off. It was deafening. I was paralyzed. I don't know if I actually took a breath once in the time it took me to get to the door. I wrote 2 checks and told them whatever happens just call me and I headed for the door. The siren seemed to blare for hours, days, decades. I made it to my car. Lea holding my hand the whole way. "It's ok mom',"Everybody is ok, mom" . I wanted to rush to my family. Check everyone. Do I dare drive? OMG when will this noise stop? Fire truck after fire truck rushing by. Is that an ambulance. I am sick. I am physically sick. My head is spinning. 'Just Breathe'. All I am required to do at this moment is breathe. I can do this. I don't have any meds with me. I have to do this. I have to pull it together. Who will get my kids? Who will coach the game? Who? Why does this still haunt me. I am back in the ambulance 7 yrs ago. My son is dead. I am back in my room 28 years ago my baby is dead. Why must their be the sound of the sirens? I am here. Where are my babies? Where is Harlen. What if they are going to them? What if it is them that is hurt, dead?  Breathe, you just have to breathe. My feet are numb. My hands are shaking. My lips are tingling. I have 5 minutes to get it together. 5 minutes to pick up the kids. OMG I am not going to make it. Loughlin is dead. Rhiannon is dead. The sirens, they won't stop. I plug my ears but I can still hear. I can still see them lying there, cold, dead. Breathe. Lea sing to me, just sing me a song, any song. Sing me your new song the one you made up last night. I love it. I love you so much. You are pulling me out. You are alive. Maya & Giles are fine. True & Kevin are with Harlen. Everyone is ok. I am going to make it. I am going to live. The panic is subsiding. The shaking is controllable. I will make it home. I will make it to the game and we will actually win. I conquered it.

Have I told you how much I hate sirens of any kind?

Weddings, Graduations, and Rhiannon's Birthday

Today is Sunday May 15th. 28 years ago I was going into labor with my daughter that I had planned to give up for adoption. 28 years ago I was 18.

Harlen and I went out for a date last night. We are planning True's graduation party and getting announcements out. He asked me about my graduation, funny that isn't in his nature. I have to admit I haven't thought about my graduation probably since I graduated. I wasn't the typical high school graduate. I never was a friend/crowd kind of kid. I bucked the system, despised authority, and I was 8 and 3/4 months pregnant. I had home schooled for the month before giving birth, before that I didn't show and there was no point in leaving school. I came back 1 week before graduation just after giving birth. I would go to school and then go to the hospital where Rhiannon was, because of blood sugar problems. She was an accutane baby. She had this cute little curled ear to prove my disregard for precautions in taking dangerous meds and having sex. I was a rebel. I didn't care about much. When she was born I didn't hold her. I was afraid of not being able to give her up. 18 hrs later I found out the adoptive parent had backed out and she was alone. They didn't want a defective baby. This turned out to be one of the greatest blessings of my life. I got to spend 2 weeks with a beautiful little girl that changed my life, not all at once, but in little increments. She showed me unconditional love and showed me how to give it in return.

Any way back to graduation, I went. I graduated. I came home to my little Rhiannon that my aunt Mary had been babysitting, no party, no drinking, no stupid decisions. I had already made so many. I was an adult, and yet I wasn't. 4 days later she was dead. Monday May 16th, 1988 my life changed forever. Monday May 30th it changed again. It changed positively and negatively. It showed me a love that I had never felt before. It created a distrust of mankind that has never gone away. It created a bond between my kids before and after they were born. Those 9 months, but especially the last 2 weeks formed my life in ways I would have never planned. Rhiannon was my blessing.

My mailbox has been full of wedding announcements of Loughlin's friends in the last months, graduation announcements from college. Don't get me wrong I love these kids. The were a big part of Loughlin's life. I am so happy for them. But the invites are a not so subtle reminder of what my life is missing and it is hard to smile through. Rhiannon 28, Loughlin graduating from college. Time keeps moving, spinning. I wish I knew a better way to look forward to my future. Rhiannon & Loughlin are constantly on my
mind these last few days. I love them and miss them so much.

Another Mother's Day and Maya turns "Sweet 16"

This year Maya's birthday and Mother's day landed on the same day. I really love it when that happens. I have a reason to celebrate the day. Maya turned 16 this year, and it is named exactly for her "Sweet 16". My beautiful baby girl is beyond sweet all of the time. She is fun. She makes life exciting and fun most of the time. She has so many friends in life because she really is nice. She is my biggest fan. I love her more than I could ever describe in the English language. She is going to have a giant party when her friends are done with all of their sports. Happy Birthday my beautiful, smart, fun, happy, hilarious daughter!

On Saturday night we went out to eat at Mongolian BBQ followed by bowling, not always my favorite, but bowling with all my favorite people was fun. The next morning Cyrus took me to breakfast with McKayla and her mom Lawanda before Cyrus had to go back to the U of O. I had so much fun. Cyrus has the best sound system in his car and the drive back was so enlightening, a little Bob Dylan, Jimmy Hendrix, Blake Mills. I got the best and thoughtful gifts. From Harlen I received my favorite perfume that I had just emptied that morning, Cyrus gave me a Pearl Jam vinyl. True gave me 6 1/2 pounds of hot tamales (my favorite) and a few chocolate covered cinnamon bears, that will last me 6 months. Maya and Lea gave some beautiful jewelry and lip sticks. Giles gave me a 12 pack of coke. I wasn't sad at all, until the day had come to an end. I had so much I almost forgot what I was missing, but when I was fatigued the grief socked me in the gut and reminded me that life really never will be the same. That day we laughed and talked. We smiled and ate. We hugged and giggled. We were blessed and in the end I cried. The joy of the day reminded me of how it always was before. I am so thankful for the day of rejoicing, for the feelings of yonder days. I love my family so much, even my added family, Kevin and McKayla. One day this family will begin to grow and change and morph. When that day comes I wonder if I pains of the past will still be felt? Just writing about my feelings brings up the panic and anxiety. 

Let's lighten the mood again. Funny huh? 3 days before Mother's Day Maya had me go through all these funny picture modes on Snapchat.  

We were laughing so hard. It felt so good. At least it makes me look skinny. hahaha. She posted this on her FaceBook. Most mom's would freak but she wrote I am posting this because I love you so much and I love to make you smile. I hope life is changing . I love to laugh again.