Tuesday, June 23, 2015

My Poem for my Grandpa

15 Things I know about my Grandpa…..

1)      He chose to be part of my life,
And not just because he made my grandma his wife.

2)      He put a smile on my Grandma’s face and took away her blues.
Each made the other better. They always went in two’s.

3)      He lived a lifetime before he became part of our clan.
He made some mistakes but he always was a good man.

4)      He was a World War II vet stationed in France.
If you were lucky he would mention it, if only by chance.

5)      He recognized each achievement that I made.
With a wink of an eye the pride he conveyed

6)      He was one of the toughest guys that I ever knew.
To live how he lived there were only but a few.

7)      He was 50 years sober. He attributed it to AA.
He was never boastful or spiteful, that just wasn’t his way.

8)      In or out of his mouth he wasn’t afraid to show his pearly whites.
Making the adults chuckle and giving the kids quite a fright.

9)      He could hit a spittoon from across the room
All While reading Louis L’Amour’s , “A Man Called Noon”

10)   He loved his pennies almost as much as his books.
In hope for that special one he would look and he’d look.

11)   When he wasn’t busy searching he was working on his farm.
Planting more than they could ever eat did no one any harm.

12)   Morning or night he always carried his coffee thermos.
Making everyone around him jealous or nervous.

13)   He never complained to me about the way he was feeling.
About the grief of my Grandma and how he was dealing.

14)   He made my soul lighter whenever he was close
If you don’t know it by now I thought he deserved a heroes toast.

15)   I miss you Grandpa, your memories will forever stay in my heart.
And that is what, I will carry with me until I too depart.


I love you Grandpa

A must read for anyone who has lost a child or knows someone who has.

http://www.theblaze.com/contributions/why-megachurch-pastor-joel-osteen-owes-an-apology/



I think this is why so many have a hard time with religion after a trial, trauma, loss as this. I have spent almost 7 years explaining this concept. God, Christ and Heaven do not take away the pain, longing and grief of losing a child, not once but twice,so quit preaching this nonsense.

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Writer's Block

I am supposed to be writing a poem for my Grandpa's memorial. I am having the hardest time, which if you know me at all, is crazy. I can whip out a poem in minutes. I don't know what to write, rather serious or funny, happy or heartfelt, a little of each. I feel pressure to perform and it isn't helping. I am :( Maybe it will just come to me but time is winding down.

Friday, June 12, 2015

Happy Birthday True, 17

Cyrus holding True at 1 month
True turned 17 on June 10th. He started out in this world 8lbs 10 oz but 3 weeks early. He grew and he grew and he really never stopped growing/ He is now 6ft 3in tall and the shape of a Offensive Lineman. He is so strong. He is incredibly funny and his heart is gigantic. I love him so much and I can't believe I only have one more year to spend with him.
True at 3 months

Family Picture True is 3

Goose Hunting 2014

Baseball 2015

Baseball 2015

Grand Champion Steer 2013

Football 2014 Junior

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Timing

Tami at Rhiannon's Grave




Wednesday is a long and strenuous day for me. I have Maya's practice in the morning, then I rush home to change and head to Boise for EMDR therapy, then back home and in to softball uniforms only to travel to Lea's game somewhere. I knew today was going to be hard. I have never really talked to anyone about Rhiannon. I have wrote about it on here, not many details but not really even to Harlen. Today we were going to work on the memories of Rhiannon and her death, also what followed. I was shaking on the drive over. It had been a long time since I had let those raw feelings surface. 5 minutes before I arrived at the Docs I received a text from an old friend. 5 minutes before the anger and hurt would come spilling out of my heart. She had visited Rhiannon's grave. She had made such an effort as to find the caretaker to find her grave. She brought balloons for her. She let me smile before I walked in the door to pour out my soul. Such a small deed from such a big heart.  I am sure today would have been harder without her. Thank you so much
I remembered parts of Rhiannon's death that I had stuffed so far down in my psyche as to never come out. I remembered being asked permission to shut off life support on her after she arrived at the hospital. I was 18, an adult, or a child playing the part of an adult. I had just watched my baby die. They shut off the machines and wanted me to hold her. A child holding a baby, cold, lifeless, making decisions I was never capable of. I have been hard on myself for far too long. I believed that her dying was my punishment for getting pregnant. I didn't come to that belief on my own. I was treated as an outcast. I look back now and Dr. Booth helped me realize I survived at 18 what some would never survive. I woke up to a baby girl, dead, blood, watched my mom try to bring her back, but she was so cold. I lived through a viewing, graveside and guilt. I went on to raise some pretty wonderful kids and I am still trying to do that. Loughlin was a masterpiece and like most masterpieces they are not realized until they are past. I am a work in progress. Dealing with the guilt of Rhiannon's death is far easier than that of Loughlin's but maybe someday. I love all my kids, alive and passed. My heart hurts whenever they are hurt or when I miss them, which in Loughlin and Rhiannon's case is always.

Sunday, June 7, 2015

Maya's Party


At one time in the 48 hr birthday party we had 13 girls. We traveled to Fruitland for Maya's softball game. We ate pizza, cake, chips, drank pop, stopped at Duth Bros. for a sweet treat. We watched movies and the next day went shopping in Nampa. It has become an annual shin dig. I sure love everyone of these girls. Maya is so lucky to have such great friends in her life. 

Life is busy right now. I am coaching Maya in the Y14 softball. Practices M-W-F 9:30- Games T-Th 6pm and sometimes Friday. I coach Lea's Y11 softball team. Practices T-Th-F 9- and Games M-W at 6pm. Giles is playing Babe Ruth 14-15 when he just turned 13. He practices almost everyday at 6 ant games T-Th and Saturday times vary. The house is a mess. We haven't had time to paint but these times are running out for me and my little ones. I love it, but boy my age is starting to show. :)

Bile

I really don't believe. 
Why don't I get up & leave?
I hate every minute wasted here.
I feel an outburst creeping near. 
Everything is fake. 
Everyone  a snake.
From the boobs,  to the smiles, 
Shovel the shit in a pile.
If there is a God he does not dwell.
In a sewage tank covered with a shell.
Made beautiful with false gold.
Robots who do what they're told.
Think about the rot and the bile.
Ponder and drink your coffee a while.