Irate

Irate

Tears are stinging. 

Head is ringing. 

There are questions that linger.

That deserve the finger.

See I am irate.

God laughs, berates.

Saints talk about faith.

All that’s left is wraith.

Every day I see him dead. 

When I am lying in bed. 

When I drive down the road. 

The love is stowed. 

Rhiannon, she’s there. 

I’m froze. I just stare. 

Her body so cold. 

SIDS I’m told. 

But both are in the ground. 

Their voice makes no sound. 

I feel defeated. 

Defenseless and cheated. 

Sit here lost in my mind. 

Memories are so hard to find. 

The anger fogs my sight. 

Also darkens the light. 

Heart is shattered. 

Soul is tattered. 

There is no hope. 

Only ways to cope.

A poem from my Soul.

Sanctimonious

sanc·ti·mo·ni·ous

ˌsaNG(k)təˈmōnēəs/

adjective
derogatory

making a show of being morally superior to other people.

synonyms

: self-righteous, holier-than-thou, pious, pietistic, churchy, moralizing,preachy, smug, superior, priggish, hypocritical, insincere; informal goody-goody I am exhausted today. I am tired for so many reasons. I just returned from a very long driving trip with Harlen. It was interesting to see so many different people and places, but we drove and we drove. I don't do well away from home and I really struggle in a moving vehicle for a long period of time. I missed my kids so much while I was gone, but it was Harlen's birthday and he wanted me to go with him and I did want to go, but now my body is paying for it. Maybe that is some of the reason my emotions are going crazy. But they are and I find it hard not to blame the church once again. I find it hard not to hate it. I reminisce about my teenage years in a predominately LDS community. I was a wild one. Things happened to me that paved a road that, true I could have veered off, but stayed on. I was pregnant at 17 and the scourge of the community. I could have sewed and "A" on my chest and it wouldn't have made a difference. It was ugly. I was rebellious and at most times could have cared less what people thought, I believed they were SANCTIMONIOUS. I saw through even at an early age the bullshit that surrounded me. Even after having Rhiannon and her unforeseen, traumatic death the rumors continued, even as far as to blame me for her death. I hated that town. I still don't like to go back. People talk. I hate most people. So as a mom I thought my kids are good kids. They didn't do the things I did. I guess the bar has been raised. You know Cyrus was treated horribly by his LDS peers and even his leaders. In fact it continues today because he didn't serve a mission. Funny why would he want to bring anyone else into his hell? Now it is happening again but to True. Do you remember being 16? How hard it was to get enough courage to ask a girl out? Especially to Prom? The girl is sweet and cute and she really likes him. So he did it. He asked her. Her parents responded that True is a bad kid and she absolutely can't go with him. I see True through a mom's eyes. He is a young man that likes to have fun, but he is a good kid. He doesn't party, drink, smoke. He has a heart the size of Texas and just as warm. He is so grown up about the whole thing. But he told me he doesn't want to grow up to be a Mormon like that. He never would. He sees the best in people and sticks up for everyone who is being picked on. As for me this is just more ammunition to stay so far away from a church like this. Harlen tells me I need to separate the church from the people, BUT THE CHURCH IS THE PEOPLE. If I could stay home every Sunday and listen to the Church officials I might make it. But that is not the way this church is designed, and this is also not how I am designed. HYPOCRITES ARE ASSHOLES, AND THE SAME PEOPLE WILL ALWAYS BE IN CHARGE OF THIS CHURCH WITH THE SAME NAMES AND SAME SANCTIMONIOUS ATTITUDES. TODAY I HATE IT!!!!!!!

Mark on this World

Loughlin's Bull

Since  the day Loughlin was born, I thought as a mom, he will really make a mark on this world. Yesterday I donated the money from his bull we sold in the sale. I came away with the feeling that this is not the mark I intended for Loughlin to make. It was depressing at the same time it felt good to give. It made me sad. It's so hard that even your husband doesn't understand how this could effect you, how you could feel sad doing this. I am tired of trying to explain.
I also visited Loughlin's grave yesterday. You could still see plainly the cut out of where he was buried. Hard to imagine it's been over 6 years. Yesterday was the first time in a long time I felt like giving up. For over 6 years I have had a lot on my plate but always fell short. I can't keep up. Some days it is all I can do to get my kids to school. I have all these lofty goals and everyday I fail. I am most days a complete failure. Tired of being asked why I can't get more done. I hate this.

Cat Scans and Contribution day

True

True had a Cat Scan today. He has been having a lot of pain in his lower abdomen for a while now. They thought it was a hernia but couldn't find it. Now they are on an exploration to find the cause. I am nervous. I am sick worrying. I wish we knew the cause, for not knowing is torture.

Loughlin Showing

I also took around the money to the Music, Band and Art Department today from Loughlin's bull. I have been procrastinating it. I knew it would be hard. I love doing it, but the forced memories are hard to hold back. He was an incredible artist.

Loughlin's Bull that sold in our Sale this year to Rocky Sherbine

He had a beautiful voice and loved to sing. Even though he rarely did in public. One year he sang a solo in the choir concert. He was so brave. Here is the song he sang.......

Loughlin's Solo Song Daniel Powter, "Bad Day"

Oh how I miss him. I write my memories of him because I am so afraid one day I won't remember. My heart is aching today. He could have made a mark on this world. Now his mark is made with contributions in his name. I guess at least it is something.

Birthdays ! Giles is 13

Happy Birthday Giles! 

He turned 13 today. 

He is always so much fun. He decides he likes something new and he learns it and masters it. 

He is smart, popular, hilarious, stubborn but honest and loyal. I am grateful everyday that he is part of my life. 

He misses his brother so much. He breaks down once in a while when things just get too difficult. 

He is the perfect middle between Maya and Lea. They both love him more than mac & cheese ( and that is a lot) 

He was the easiest baby. He is an easy kid to raise. I hope he has a great day. 

We are eating at his favorite Mongolian Barbecue tonight. 

Next week, paint balling and pizza with his friends.

Today is also my Grandma Harmer's Birthday and my Cousin April's. My Grandma lived a hard life. She lost her little Stephen when he was just 3. She missed him until the day she died. April died at 18 of cancer. I really miss them both.