To be Enjoyed not only Endured

HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
Oh let me just say
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH
And then again
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH

Someone contact me on a way that this could be possible because it seems for me when one tide subsides another comes crashing down. Enduring is a feat, all of its own.

Graduation Day

The house is quiet still. I spent my first hour of today with my head face down in my pillow thinking, remembering, worrying. I was thinking how this life has really never been fair. I use that phrase in my writing often, but where did this thinking come from. I think back on my life. I made many wrong decisions but I don't think from where I came from, my knowledge, any more bad decisions than my counterparts. My brother he made a lot of crazy choices in life and the problem
with crazy choices is that with each one, it is harder to find your way back to the sane. He is now in the fight for his life, for his son's life. I know him well. I know the intentions of his heart and they have always been to help others. He is this big gruff man with the softest heart I know. I love him so very much. Others certainly have made these choices without this sentence in life. For me, losing a daughter at the early age of 18 formed my life to come. It made me a hands on mom. It made me a mom that stands up for what is right and true for my kids at any cost, and sometimes that cost is high. Losing Loughlin after already losing Rhiannon could be said to be one of the most unfair circumstances to place on a mom that there is. Yet here we are talking about a graduation day in which my son never made it to. Why? I have heard from others that he was needed more in heaven. Sure he was a great son, incredible. Why wouldn't he have been needed more on an Earth that is toiling in sin and disbelief than in a place where knowledge is abundant and God is present. I find it a way that others use to ease their sorrow, their fears of their own mortality. All I know is that none of those thought help with a mom that misses her son today as I did 3 1/2 years ago. I am angry and bitter. He touched so many lives but think what he could have done in a lifetime on this Earth. This place is better because he lived but he could have lived another 80 years. (that is my Icelandic heritage that made that amount of years possible) It is also my Icelandic heritage that makes me strong, it makes me want to keep those around me safe. But even with all my effort they were not safe. I am not chosen. I am forgotten ans my family is forgotten by that Heavenly Being supposedly in charge of our lives. As far as the world being fair. Really nothing is fair in life. We come up with this thinking on our own, maybe as a dire request for things around us to make sense.

The remembering this morning is painful. It seems that when I remember I ache. I ache for what will never be. I had to get True a baby picture for his 8th grade graduation. I am not organized and all my pictures are in totes waiting to be placed in books. I found so many more pictures of Loughlin. Loughlin holding True as he held him in real life. I watch True and the anger is not hidden but on the edge all the time waiting to be released. Cyrus at home last night instead with all the friends he has. Harlen, so close to his son. They were, wow, almost one, his firstborn, the one that always called his dad, his hero. The love so strong. God cared so much for his firstborn. Are we not made in his likeness? He was angry. He darkened the Earth, quakes and other catastrophes. But us we are suppose to take this with a smile on our face. Are we asked to be stronger than God? Christ was even coming back to His throne on high. Where does this thinking come from?

And now I worry. I worry because of choices that are being thrust upon us once again for standing up for what is right in a world that cares not what is correct but what looks best. I have a hard time backing down when the world around us overlooks the wrongs. My heels dig in. My rebellion grows. I am ready for the fight once again in my mind but the soul tires. I am tired.

Strength, Graduations & Birthdays

I am hoping upon hope that I can muster the strength to make it through tonight's awards assembly where Harlen and I will be handing out the 8 scholarships to some really great kids in Loughlin's honor.(They are certainly not kids anymore but that is a way I am coping with this new wave of sorrow in our lives). It is an extremely busy week packed full of so many life fulfilling events. 

True graduated from 8th grade yesterday, sort of a relief. He is so full of life and funny and likes to really enjoy everyday, which gets him in trouble once in a while. He received the Presidential Academic award, pulling that off with being the only 8th grader in Geometry. He has plenty of brains but sometimes he uses those brains for far from scholastically proven projects. I am extremely proud of him. The ceremony struck so many raw nerves remembering Loughlin there. The last school awards assembly he attended.Everything around me seems so bittersweet.

Cyrus turned 17 yesterday. "17" !!! He made it. We made it. Each day is a gift of some kind.  2 years past what I had ever known before. He is an incredible young man. Sometimes he seems older than me. Life has been so cruel at times for him, has made him grow up too fast, made him somewhat solitary. He pulls off a 3.7-3.8 without  more than 5 nights of homework total this year. He was blessed with a very analytically induced mind, but since the accident, he has had a hard time concentrating for long periods of time. He is so close to my heart, I know, all of my babies are but Cyrus lives with guilt as his mom does.

I am coaching softball this year, Maya's team. I am old. I am fat. I am out of shape. Our team is less than perfect. Man I am having fun though, through it all. It certainly is a break from the mundane. 

The Power of Prayer

Lessons on prayer seem to put my anxiety on high alert. Of all of the faith related aspects of religion, it seems prayer has by far suffered the most. I have no faith in the power of prayer. I find it insulting to my intelligence to tell me God is in control of every minuscule, molecule of our life but then to tell us to pray if you need something. Well if He is in charge what difference does a prayer make? I know it never kept my family safe, when we prayed for it every morning. And for those that might comment "well it did every time before that", Not quite good enough for me.

 As far as blessings helping your son out of the hospital a couple of days earlier than another boy because your son got a priesthood blessing. I am almost positive God does not or would not work like that. 

The countdown to graduation is steaming right on and today the grief is back in full throttle. Green day was playing on the way home from town, "another turning point, a fork stuck in the road, time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go,so make the best of this test and don't ask why,it's not a question but a lesson learned in time, it's something unpredictable but in the end it's right, I hope you had the time of your life." Loughlin loved this song. I miss him.

Decisions Decisions

Our family finally made the decisions on the scholarships. It was so hard picking out of such great kids. We loved them all so much. I find myself relieved to have that job done, no more mind changing and contemplating and worrying about feelings. I think we found the ones Loughlin would really want to receive this money and help. 4 girls and 4 boys will be the recipients.

In other news True went to the Oregon coast on a school trip for 4 days and the house has been eerily quiet, too quiet. True's friend Kevin spends most of his days here also and so we are really missing 2 voices in the pack. I am coaching Maya's softball team this year. I haven't coached since Loughlin and Cyrus were rookies, a long time ago. My oh my am I feeling the muscles I had forgotten I owned. I love coaching though, I just hope I haven't lost my mojo.

The grief has really calmed for these last few days. I am resting for I do believe it is the calm before the storm.

24 years ago Rhiannon was born

Today is Rhiannon's birthday. She was a beautiful baby girl that I had only a short moment in time to enjoy. I know others say babies cannot smile but I remember her smiling. She hardly ever cried. She was so close to perfect. So long ago and yet it still stings.

I hope not today to go to the place where I long for what could have been. It seems the grief has ebbed for just a while. I need to gain strength for the upcoming weeks. So Happy Birthday my dear sweet baby. I love and miss you so much.

Yesterday's rant

I could think about apologizing for yesterday's rant but then again I was really holding back the feelings and thoughts that were traveling through my mind. I could have gone to the wish that the plague of the first born be visited upon the Earth again as it was in Moses' time, for I could withstand it twice and not be affected. But these are just random furious thoughts that I don't really wish but only wish that I was not having these dreadful feelings in such a dramatic fashion again. Yes I am feeling sorry for myself and my husband and my kids but sometimes I think I am only doing what I have to to survive. This is my way for now. You might think that I am wrong and weak. You might also think that I am a bit crazy and livid. You are no different than I except that I know I am all of those things.

Answer me this question:

If God brought the plague of the first born of Egypt to punish them for their evilness and iniquities, their not setting the Jews free, how can I not consider this a punishment for something I have done? How are you suppose to look at this as a test,  as some might have said, as a trial , others have mentioned, and the best one is because He loves me? He loves me as the pharaoh of old........................... hah

3 1/2 years and yet, it hurts like yesterday.

He is not here and he is not coming back

As I sat and lamented the reasons this graduation is incapacitating my every move I have leaped to the conclusion that this graduation is a huge reminder that Loughlin is gone. He is gone forever and he is not coming back.He is not going to be here for all of the important events in our lives. He is gone and even though those around us placate us with such nonsensical platitudes like he is close and he is watching, none of those are close to a factual truth. He is gone. He is not going to graduate, or go on a mission, or get married, have kids. He is gone. I know it makes others feel better to tell my family that this life is short, but that is because you don't feel this turmoil brewing in my soul. You don't feel the knife cutting out my heart. You don't feel the blur and confusion that racks my brain, so that even the simplest decisions seem as though I am solving a complex statistical equation. Life is not short. It is an ongoing, humiliating, torturous trial and I don't like it, nor do I enjoy living like this. Yesterday in church it was mentioned that we don't have any young men graduating. I am struggling for breath, take that knife, plunge it into my heart, twist it back and forth to get the full effect, pull it out and let me drop to the ground. The problem is I am still alive barely but alive.

Grandma's Embrace

Today I wish I could have my Grandma's arms around me telling me it will all be ok. It seems when she would tell me, I somehow would believe, even through some tough times. I need some assurance because I feel nothing but hopelessness. I am overwhelmed with grief and loneliness. I want my son back, graduating in 2 weeks. I want to see his kind face smiling in the sunshine. I want to fish with him up at the Owyhee. I want to just listen to him talk for hours about his dreams. If I can't have those things, I want to crawl into a dark space. I want to be alone in my misery. Missing falls so short of my feelings. It is no longer a gnawing. It feels as if a jagged toothed monster has ripped open my soul. God take away some of this pain or I will not make it through. Can you die of a broken heart?

Broke

I don't think I can live like this much more. I am so sad and I miss you Lough so much, I can't breath. My heart is broke. My hope is shattered. The pain is unbearable. I am tired, so very tired. I have been waiting for that brighter day but it isn't coming.

Graduation & Everything that goes with It

I have to say I completely underestimated the dismal response I would have to the upcoming graduation of Loughlin's classmates. I had ignored all of the extras that go along with it, the announcements, invites, presents, parties, and happiness. We also have to choose 8 of Lough's friends to give scholarships to. He had great friends and it is so hard. I just want to hibernate for a month until it is all over. I am almost positive he would be leaving for the "Y" and starting his life in the big bad world. It feels so unfair. I wonder what he would look like, how tall, how smart, would he have a girlfriend??? But most of all I just dream of holding my grown up boy.

Cyrus finally got his driver's license yesterday He was so excited and I was so proud. I love him so much. He is such a brave man. And then I could see all the excitement and happiness drain out of him this morning as he thought of taking the kids to school. He doesn't want that responsibility and really who would blame him. I wish I could bring back that naive and happy world we use to live in. I have tried but it is impossible. I feel honored to have such a son. In the last month he turned students in for cheating in his school, knowing the repercussions even from some teachers. He is mature beyond his years, beyond some adults years. He is exactly what his brother Loughlin and him always were, Steadfast, Decent and Principled. He is such a model for the others to look to.

Enough

I am at a breaking point. I am tired and overwhelmed and it seems as if one more thing slithers its way into my life, the mind might yield. The world seems disillusioned and confused. Honesty is no longer a concern in the schools. How are you to instill this virtue when the administrators slap the wrist, whisper cover ups and send the perpetrators on their way. Saddened by Senior Class pictures in the newspapers and the fliers, Letters from attorneys blaming me for my son's death and crazy moms that want to defile sacred ground to plead their cases. I would find a warm safe hole to crawl into if I wasn't blessed with a very extreme case of claustrophobia. God save the Queen!

Forced Order of Somekind

Our basement flooded, not once but twice last week. My first reaction was to call Oregon concrete and just fill the (explicit) thing up but last night we finally got to the dirty deed and I mean dirty. I have spent maybe a total of 15 minutes downstairs in the last 3 1/2 years. I haven't had the courage to be in Loughlin's space. I know some days I am making progress but I never have made progress there. It showed. Boys are just not built for deep cleaning, or cleaning in general. The food room is down there also, imaging a place of food storage with no upkeep for 3 years. UUUGGGHHH.  Now it is gutted. It looks like when we moved in, well it still has walls but I am sure you can picture. Everything was ruined, maybe save the mattresses. Anyway in all the madness, Harlen found the note with Kayla's picture on it that Loughlin and I searched for hours for after he dropped it, on the way home from school. Cy and him were fighting and I made him walk, I guess because he was the eldest but the whole day came back in full color and I am a walking wilted flower lately and these vivid memories do nothing but cause pain and sorrow. He would be graduating in a few days and yet all I have is 8th grade memories. This life sucks more than I can put into words. All these kids graduating and Lough well he is just gone and how can any of this be fair? I hate it here!!!!