Rhiannon's Angel Day

Today marks 23 years since you left me. I miss you. Your birthday and angel day both landed on Monday as it did when you blessed my life. Your headstone so far away. I wish I could visit you.

Loving

Ripe for the Pickin'

I have debated with myself about posting this. In the past I have been accused of being anti-church. (Which I was really just anti-God, anti-everything, Bitter and angry, touched with a bit of mania) But whatever makes one think they are right about another.

Sunday our LDS missionaries spoke in church. The one was talking about how it is our responsibility as church members to find contacts for them. True True. But then she babbled on about how if you knew someone that had just had a baby or LOST A CHILD they would be a perfect contact.?????????

Really?????????????????

Now the anger comes out. Look into the heart of someone that has lost a child and you might find anger, and sorrow and bitterness but a chance to convert ?????EEEEEEKKKKKKKKK

WOW! I thought I had heard most of it but I was so far from wrong!

Judgement

How does it feel to be perfect? To sit in judgement of all of those around you? To think that you know what is in their heart? To think without asking what they are feeling? What they have been through? That one has suffered greatly and one deserves to suffer more, everyday? That one is asked to pay penance for a life sentence? If not for those children that light up the life of one she would rather pay an eternity in hell than one more day on this treacherous earth? That the soul is weary and the heart is crushed. Famished for peace. Thirsty for the light that never comes. My Grandma called it torture, without faith, hell. Well I am without faith. Would Christ leave you on the side of the road without healing, as you cry out have mercy on me? I believe He would. It seems some aren't worth healing.

Scholarship Night

Tonight I am suppose to be able to put on a smiley face and present scholarships to two of Loughlin's best friends. I know, I know what you all are thinking, It has been 2+ years. Get a grip. But on the other hand I should be accompanying my 17 yr old son to all of his Senior friends parties and graduations, not handing out money in his name.

Today the air is so very heavy. The stars swirling around my head. My lips are numb. My heart aches. I am tired.

The scholarship handing out went smoothly. I love these two young men we gave the scholarships too. I know there future will hold much. I didn't mean to take away their happiness. Just bittersweet.

23 Years

Yesterday was Rhiannon's 23rd birthday. On a day like that you can't help wonder what life would be like if she was still here. She would be a high school graduate, maybe college, maybe married. I might even be a grandma. It's hard to say I miss her. I can hardly remember her smell, her touch, her smile. I do grieve for the time I missed with her. I am sad that my life took this turn and losing Loughlin only emphasized her loss.

So Happy Birthday my sweet baby girl. I wish I could have held you and raised you but I still love you everyday.

Enduring

Today I am enduring, nothing more. My hands are shaking. There is a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I want to crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head, and sleep. Why does the world keep turning?

Scout Camp 2008

Here are 2 videos from the scout camp right before we lost Loughlin. He just got a flip video for a gift and took it along. The first is Loughlin and Cyrus on the rope bridge they made. I am posting the second because you can hear Loughlin's laughter as he is holding the camera. I miss his laugh so much.

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Trump Card

I have never been a great lover of board games or even card games. I would rather watch a movie or read a book. I would rather even do dishes than play games, but trying to play a game with someone who holds a trump card is hell. It is trying and trying only to be cut down at your knees every time you seem to be rolling a 12, or at that a 2. It isn't fun anymore. I could be holding 3 of a kind but with that card that is hidden under his leg, even though you have seen him draw a crappy hand he can pull off a victory, and not only that throw it in your face, jump around and do the belly dance, ruin your day, maybe your week, but I am in charge of my life and I choose not to play the game anymore.

2 Steps Forward--One Step Back

It seems these days I spend most of my time making up the difference from the days before, trying to keep this forward progress. I am growing weary but there is some fight still in me. I have felt terrible for over a week. Well that is nothing new except for the fact that i felt good for about a week before that. Now I know what life could be, should be and I want a part of it. so here's to finding a new way to feel good again. Wish me luck.

Mother's Day, then Maya's birthday, then Rhiannon's birthday, then Cyrus' birthday, then Rhiannon's angel day, so many ups and downs in this month. I need some good energy.