How long must this darkness persist?
I search for my soul, it doesn't exist.
I am exhausted , alone,
No one is at home.
For the first time , I believe I won't make it ,
They think I am strong but I fake it,
That I can handle all that has come to bear.
I look at that road, no I stare.
The image ,it always is there,
Really could this all be fair?
If there's a God I don't feel it.
Support sometimes I just steal it.
From anyone willing to give,
and all this just so I live,
this life that is not my own,
I wish my heart was made out of stone......

First Day of School

Today was the first day of school here in Nyssa. Sometimes survival is all you ask for. We survived. I am home alone now with so much time to think. I am still struggling with God. I am still struggling in this life that is my new existence. I can't say things are better because I don't believe they are. I don't see an end to the darkness. I have a hard time even looking towards the future. Everyday I try my best to raise my remaining kids here on Earth. I try to make their lives as close to what they should be, but it is so difficult. I am so tired.

On the upside the walking has helped me. I am sleeping better at night and I have lost 20#'s. I love to get away and just have the hour by myself. I am hoping things look up soon. Loughlin's birthday is September 18th. He would have been 16, now he never will be, no first drive, first date, no 16. What a rip!

Parents say the darndest things.....

Funny how weeks go by without anyone saying stupid, hurtful comments to you and all in a span of a week, the comments are overflowing. Yesterday my dad, as the whole family sat around the living room, thought he would throw out this, " Your kids are gone before you can blink your eye". It sat there in the air as everyone looked at me for a response. I said I am so glad you reminded me of that dad, you are so helpful. I think I am overly sensitive but also just tired of the BS that those whom are suppose to love you most hurt you most. I have been in Utah for 5 days and want so bad to go, not necessarily home but just to run. I started walking a couple of weeks ago and now I walk an hour morning and night with a little jogging in between. Now my late nights are 2am instead of 4. Maybe when I get to a point where I am full out running I will sleep but I am not holding my breath. I need a real vacation, hotel, room service, massages, not coming out of the room for anything. I am so tired. Missing Loughlin so much. Reunions are so hard and I don't know why I insist on going it would be a lot easier just to stay home.

Implied

Today when I was coming out of the grocery store, Loughlin's old basketball coach was there to greet us. He acted like he had had a few and was very talkative. We spoke with him for quite a while before he implied that I had killed Loughlin...... Funny how people speak without inhibition when they have a few drinks in them. Just got me wondering, who as I go about trying to live this life, look at me and think I killed my son. But who would blame them, I guess I did. I am feeling those destructive feelings again, trying to find my way out but each time I am here it gets harder to want to come back.

Any ideas on how I could get to sleep at night without a prescription? It is starting to take a toll........

Empty

One Empty red and white chair,
Loneliness and Despair
Everything comes in two's
from chairs to shoes
but when we sit together as one
the strings that bind have come undone
one empty chair, one empty seat
now he is gone we're not complete
So sad am I, so lonely, so blue
I want to run somewhere that's new
where no one knows the pain I feel
Where life is different, somewhat surreal.
But shadows follow wherever I go
unless in darkness, a place I know
So I will sit in this red and white chair
in this time of trouble, my burden to bear
until that day when his seat is filled
and our life together, again we'll build.