Another First Completed

Well tonight we finished the baseball season. All three of my kids had fun and learned so much from some pretty incredible coaches. True, Maya and Giles spent almost every night of June on the baseball field either practicing or playing games. I, myself have to admit I am glad we are done. It was difficult for me especially in the beginning. I missed Loughlin with every game, every pitch, every hit and each sunflower seed spit. He was my baseball player. He loved it. He was so excited for High School baseball this year to start. It would have been so much fun to watch him play again. I miss him but I am trying to find joy through watching these younger ones play. Friends showed tonight to watch Giles play. I love being around people ,who, you really know care.

Mondays are always so difficult for our family. It is the beginning of yet another week. It seems by Wednesday we are half way through and the end of the week is in sight. We can make it then. On Monday the end seems so far away and it is hard to imagine that "Sunday will Come" but it comes just like some day the important "Sunday will come". I am waiting for my Lord to return. I need him.

We tried to go to the movie tonight but by Parma all of the kids were arguing, we turned around to come home. then the crying really set in. I hope it was a cry that was a long time coming. I know sometimes my kids just need a reason to open the spickets and coming home sure gave them a good excuse tonight. The pain is still so raw in each of their eyes. It is so hard to wonder if we are going to be good enough parents to help them reach the right destination in life. It is hard to know whether we are doing them right. I hope we are. Tonight I am going to pray again, really pray on my knees. It will be the first time in months since I have dared to really pray to my Heavenly Father. I am frightened. I have questioned for so long but I miss the comfort it awards me. I miss the spirit. I miss his love. I need to start ridding myself of this anger, this guilt, this overwhelming sorrow. I am hoping just for a little relief, for His love to encircle me.

Disservice

My family tree.

Today I have decided to make a concerted effort to change the direction of these posts. I have read back at some of my writings and been consumed with the feeling that Loughlin's life was such a guidance in so many other people's lives that I am certainly doing a disservice to his memory by feeling down and angry most of the time. He was an incredible young man. He thought of others all of the time. He had a huge heart. He was super smart and was willing to help his dad or me most of the time with little prodding. His death brought our little community together in so many ways. Our loss, I believe, made others reflect on their own lives. It made others hug their children tighter, love them more, take more time to be with them. The service in our little community for our family was abundant. In a lifetime I could never repay the debt. Friends, Family and others who barely knew us , or didn't know us at all, opened their heart, gave freely, used their hands and minds all to benefit us. All in a memoriam of Loughlin's short but thoughtful life. He is looking down on me and my family today, hoping we make it through this, and helping anyway he can to ease our burdens. I just miss him so very much. I know what I need to do and I hope I have the conviction to stay on the right track. I must look outward and stop looking inward and pitying myself. Service is my way out of this slump so that I may Return with the same Honor that Loughlin did. These last 8 months have flown by. It won't be long until I am with Loughlin and Rhiannon again. I am trying to get past the guilt I feel. Guilt is a darkness that is hard to free yourself from. I pray this world keeps spinning quickly and one day I am sure I will catch up.

I love you Loughlin and I hope I can make my life something you will be proud of.

Father's Day belated

I just wanted to write a little about a really great man I met about 21 years a go. Harlen is the best thing that ever happened to me. He has been a wonderful husband and father for almost 18 years. I love him more than life itself. He is an incredible dad. He makes any of the kids' games or practices that he is physically able to do. He has never made himself first. He makes me so very happy. My kids love him.

After Loughlin died we went to get his school stuff out of his locker, his backpack, books, etc... In his backpack we found this handout that he had filled out about his future. There were lots of questions like: what do you want to be, where do you want to go to college, where do yo want to live and so on but the most important question was Who do you look up to or admire. Loughlin answered Abraham Lincoln, Mitt Romney and my dad. What 15 year old boy has that much respect for his father? Loughlin loved Harlen so much. Another question he answered was, what makes you happy? He answered making my parents proud. Well he did that his whole life. I couldn't have asked for a greater son. I miss him so much. This day was so hard. I kept thinking that I took Harlen's best buddy away from him. I know I say this plenty but I am so sorry things turned out the way they did. I would do anything to change this life that we are living now. I would have done anything to have my son join us in this celebration of his dad. I wish I could change things. I hope this pain eases soon. I feel like my heart is broken in half.

Harlen I love you!

Outings: Father and Son Minus One

Today Harlen took the boys up to the church camp for the annual Father Son. He is brave and strong, I know I could never do it. Just thinking about visiting that place with so many memories breaks my heart. Oh how I wish I had the belief and testimony I use to have. How I wish I could wade through this Ocean of Blues. How I wish I could just have one day that the sorrow would ease and joy would fill our house again.

Someone once told me losing Loughlin is like sending a son on a mission. I just want to say I am waiting for that first P-Day letter. It has been almost 8 months and nothing............. If they only knew the pain!

Forgiveness

I have been trying to do some soul searching.......

I am usually a fairly forgiving person. I look back on the times when I have kept a grudge and for the most part it has been when someone has hurt one of my children. When things are said or done that I could see the pain in my child's eye, I have seemed to have held on to that anger for a while. In the end I have gotten over it and forgiven, forgotten. The problem is , this time it is me I have to forgive. It is me that I am so angry with. It is me that caused all of this. It is me that just did not see that truck. It is me.

Aren't we harder always on ourselves? When we hear our own voice on a recording, don't we say, oh my I sound like a dork. When we look in the mirror we are never what we want to be, to thin, to fat, to gray, to flat, to much... When we judge ourselves as mothers don't we say, I wish I had done that differently or said that better or been nicer or taught more or loved more .... Well how does one live with the knowledge that you are responsible for your own son's death, that you, not anyone else, you caused this accident. The look you see in you other children's eyes, the pain, the sorrow, the grief is all because of you. The guilt is overwhelming, the anxiety that you will screw up again encompasses almost all of your thoughts. When I raise my voice or correct bad behavior, I question whether I am right. What if I never see them again, like Loughlin. How can you be a good parent if you are always worried about not living up to what you could have been, when you see all of your shortfalls with the raising of Lough? I look around at my dirty house and weedy yard and know that right now I am failing again. I want to be so much more but I cannot see my way through this fog. It is all I think about, even in happy moments, the memory of the crash comes barreling through reminding me of what I have done.

Tomorrow is another birthday without Loughlin to share it. True turns 11. The world is still moving. I want it to stop, just for a while and let me catch up. It still feels like October. Where did the days go? Where did my life go?How can he be gone?

Taking a time out for a while

I want to be numb. I am tired of it all and wanting to time out. No church, no work, just kids and husband, I am tired of thinking, tired of hurting just all together tired. I don't want any advice, no pep talks, no it is God's plan. Because if it is it sucks! Guilt is overwhelming, so much so the bitterness has made a new way in to my heart. Bitterness is easier than sorrow though and I am all for easy right now..............

Graduations and Graduations

It has been so long since I have posted that I feel a little guilty. I didn't have much to report. Each day seemed to be the same, Sadness, Crying, Heartache. I felt like I was just beginning this new journey all over again without my sweet man with me. I miss Loughlin so much right now that everyday seems like an eternity and each night is a sleepless one. School is out for all of the kids and I am hoping things will slow down and the sorrow will subside. Change is not a grieving parents friend. Change means a new season and for the first time in 15 years you will be spending it without your child in your life, first birthdays, first swims, first fishing trips, etc, etc.... It is so hard. It is the hardest thing I have ever been through. It feels like you have a constant lump in your throat, that there is never enough air to breath and that someone is constantly sitting on your chest. It is heavy, hard to walk, hard to talk, and certainly hard to smile. Oh there are small moments in time when grief leaves and you feel semi-normal but those times are fleeting and quick and as of late leave me even more sorrowful than before.

Cyrus graduated from the 8th grade on Thursday. It was great and I, so proud of my son. He is really a great student, as was Loughlin. He was awarded the Presidential Academic Award for keeping his GPA above 3.5 for the three years of middle school, as did Lough last year. He was 1 of only 4 boys in the school to accomplish this. He had to work through a living hell to make it, the accident, losing his brother and best friend, breaking both legs horribly, and missing 2 months of school. I love him so much and wish I could take away the pain I see in his eyes every day away. It was such a bittersweet moment. Loughlin and Cyrus are only one year apart in school, so each time Cyrus does something it seems to let open the flood gates because it seems just a moment in time since we were living this life with Loughlin. Hard does not describe the feelings that are here right now and yet I have to try and work through it and show my gratitude, love and pride for Cyrus.

Lea graduated from preschool this year and now is off to kindergarten. She is my youngest and I will be home by myself in 3 months. She talks of her favorite brother Lough all of the time, every once in a while reminding her mom that I yelled at him at times. It hurts to know I could have been so much better than I was, a better mom and friend to that great young man. I am so sorry. They had a bond that will never be broken. Lea finds special ways of showing her anger with everything that has happened. In the last week she has wrote on one set of my sheets with markers, then the next set of sheets with red lipstick, then cut about 25 holes in my down comforter (you can imagine the feathers everywhere) and last but not least cut a hole in a brand new dress, she did not like and did not want to wear. (We usually keep the scissors far from her but the kids had just brought home their school supplies, she jumped at the opportunity.) She now has a chart and is working off the damage in small increments. She is quite a turkey and when I asked her why she would do something like that, she replied,"I didn't think I would get in that much trouble." She did!

True finally got that hit we had been waiting for in baseball. We missed it becasue we wer at Cy's graduation. 3 activities in one night hard to make them all. He hit it over the Center field man's head, pretty impressive for a boy who just 2 weeks before had been humiliated into hitting off of a tee. Great job True, your strength amazes me!

Maya and Giles are playing ball and loving every minute of it, they are happy school is out and am glad mom finally got them a pool this year. They are out their everyday but Sunday, and on Sunday they still ask, then answer the question themselves, I know it is the Sabbath.

I skipped church yesterday, just needed a break and my back has been giving me problems in the last week. It was wonderful but I do miss the
Sacrament. Harlen is doing well and I am so grateful to have him back. I hope the next 6 months are easier than the last. I hope Loughlin's headstone gets here soon. I hate visiting an empty grave. Oh how I wish I could just hold him one last time. It is so lonely without him.