The last 3 days have been so hard, possibly because we are back completely in the old routine that we were in before the accident. The kids are in school. I am in school. Harlen is outside working most of the day. I feel really down and sad most of the day. Yesterday I cried all the way to school after dropping Lea off at preschool and then had to sit through 2-2 hour classes, but if I had just come home I probably would have cried all day. I am lonely without Loughlin. The house can be full or the car or the restaurant but I am so empty. Harlen gave Loughlin's phone to a worker of ours for a little while so now I cannot call his voice mail. I miss his voice, his smile. I miss that he is scared to go outside to get some milk. I miss him getting off the tractor at night and asking what's for dinner. I miss taking him to his friends' houses. At brief periods in the day I can see a way we can make it without him but they are fleeting moments that do not last long. I am usually a good swimmer but I am drowning now. There are life preservers all around but I do not have the energy nor the desire to grab one.
The picture is probably Loughlin's happiest day. He shot that deer on his own. The biggest deer I had ever seen. I was so proud of him. He was such a great son!
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