Pray for us

Please pray for my family. Life just shouldn't be this hard.

Fortune Cookie

The pressure on my chest is back. There isn't any oxygen anywhere I go today. I am trying to keep the darkness out but it keeps wanting to creep in to my soul.

Harlen took us to the Chinese Buffet tonight for dinner. I could hardly walk in the building. The air felt so thick that my feet did not want to move through the door. Loughlin loved to go there. The sorrow was overwhelming at times and the tears came more than once. In the end my fortune cookie read, "Time heals all wounds, keep your chin up". Coincidence?

7, is all that is left. I have never liked that number but it is prime, divisible of just itself and one. Does that make us safer? I think I am looking for anything to build back that safety barrier over our family. I feel I have no control of my life, that God will do what he wants no matter how I act or what I do. How can 7 seem so alone? I could not think at school at all today. I sat and looked at my test paper, blankness filled my mind, my head ached, my heart hurt and I wanted so bad just to call it a day. I will be glad for the pillow tonight.

Cyrus' day was just as bad as mine. I am thinking just home schooling for the rest of the year is the best choice. The teachers and counselors in his school will not keep their mouths closed. They seem to not know how to keep their feet out of their bocas. I can not keep repairing damage to a fractured heart, a tormented soul. He is only 13. How can he be expected to endure this? I almost wonder if they know what they are doing. They seem to rally around the other teachers when someone makes a complaint about one of their own, as I did with the new counselor(I use that word very loosely) I guess they do not care who is hurt in the process. He will be staying home with me tomorrow. They have won this one but we will be back to battle another day with new recruits and enforcements and a couple of days rest.

A Great Discovery!

Today, as I was waiting to talk to one of my professors and messing with my phone, I made a great discovery. When I first started texting my messages went into the SMS folder instead of my text folder. I had forgot about that but today I opened it. There were 8 test messages from Loughlin. What a gift. Some were from when we were at Lagoon. What a fun trip that was. I am so glad now we decided to go. Things were so hectic then but I got Harlen to go anyway. Those memories will never happen again but they are embedded in my mind. Loughlin loved it. He used to be so scared of those rides but this time he was the ring leader. He even got me to go on the "Wicked". Crazy! That was one of the greatest times we had as a family. Little treasures, like those messages, are what I have left of my son. They help me remember and carry on.

How much is it worth?

It is quiet in my house. I am not tired so I am just thinking aloud.



I have been pondering about my actions a lot lately and how they might affect others around me. There have been many occasions over the last couple of months that someone has said something, or wrote something, or done something that really has bettered my life or worsened my day. It is incredible that a complete stranger can lift your spirit with just a, "Hope you have a nice day" or, "Can I help you with that."



Loughlin's favorite scripture was, "If you have done it unto the least of these my brethren, you have done it unto me." I don't think I ever really seriously invested time into wondering how much each one of my actions I perform each day could affect someone else for good or for bad. How just taking a moment to write a letter to an old friend or neighbor might improve their spirits, or helping someone with their groceries or for that matter trying to rescue your brother out of the grips of hell can and does change their hearts and their lives. Each one of us has the ability to save lives, to offer support, to put our arms around someone that thinks they have no where to go, to help a little one get a drink from a fountain, to make cookies for your children who miss their brother more than words can express, or we can choose to look inward, to only worry about ourselves, to think our time is precious and it is our time, to walk by a crying woman without asking if you can do something to help.

I know which way Christ would want us to live because he chose to stop, to serve, to love and to teach. Each act of kindness or service is an act of teaching. It is our way we leave this world a better place than how we found it. I know Loughlin always gave more than he took. I know because many have told me, "Loughlin was one of my best friends", "He always made me smile", or " He took the time to go the extra mile in service", and one little Hispanic woman that could barely speak English told Harlen, "Your son even helped us poor folk". He was what I have always wanted to be but sometimes thought I was too busy to stop and help. He was what Christ wants us all to be. At thirteen he was a giant among men.
We have this great young man in our ward named Brandon. He was born too early and had a lot of complications. He is now 14 and is struggling physically and mentally again. Loughlin loved Brandon. He invited him along and always wanted to protect him or help him anyway he could. His family was so grateful for how he treated Brandon and I feel blessed to have had Loughlin for a son. He made me a better person by watching him live. He changed lives in life and still even in death. The crowd at his funeral was a testament to my son's life.


I wish the Lord would grant me just one more hour to spend with him. I have so much to tell him, starting with I love you son.

Family Home Evening

Last night Maya conducted our family home evening. It was on forever families and Kurt joined us. Maya asked him to give the closing prayer and his prayer was beautiful. He talked about how grateful he was for families that cared. He slept here again last night. I don't want him to stay down at my mom's house. It is so nice having him here. I haven't spent much time with him since I left home. It seems that one of us was always to busy when there could have been an opportunity. I am thankful we got him to come up here with us. My kids love him so much and he is so wonderful with them.

True, Giles and Maya are doing a little better. They seem to be handling the loss a little better and so am I to a point. It matters what day you ask me on. I miss him more than words can say. It is so empty without him here. It is sort of like legs on a table. There use to be six holding up everything in our life. Our kitchen table is the catch all for everything that comes into the house. Now that table is leaning over because Loughlin was the caretaker of the other 5. He is gone and no amount of books can prop up that leaning table. The others always looked to him for strength and guidance in times such as these. Cyrus is not ready for that role yet. He is barely taking care of himself.

It bothers me that I never got to say goodbye. I found this picture the other day. It is of Loughlin down at my family reunion last year. It is on my computer as a background now. The wave that I miss is there to greet me every morning telling me goodbye. I still wish I could see him again. Harlen tells me it would never be enough. I know it wouldn't but it would be nice. Oh I can't wait for the second coming. I am ready for it tomorrow.

Rescuing Kurt

On Saturday I received a disturbing phone call from my mom concerning my brother, Kurt. He has had a lot of trouble in his life as of late and was thinking suicide. My parents were frantic. I called him and tried to talk him out of it over the phone. I tried to get across to him how much I love him and how much my kids love him, that even if he didn't think so we needed him. Harlen, Cyrus and I left Saturday night at 6:30 to go and get him. He is staying with us now. I don't think I could live through another loss in my life right now. I hope by being with my family he will get the desire to find a way out of the choices he is making in his life.
Cyrus is really struggling through his days. I wish what happened on Thursday would not have happened. It feels like we are starting all over with getting Cyrus back to some kind of normalcy in his life. What a counselor!!
I am hoping for our prayers and those of others to get us through another difficult time.

Cyrus

Today I thought I would write about Cyrus, my second oldest son, who has now had to take the role as oldest. He is a great kid. He is very strong in his beliefs and very vocal about wanting you to know them from the Gospel to football all the way to politics. He would give Glenn Beck a run for his money. In the accident Cyrus broke both his legs. Both legs were pinned and plated. He was in a wheel chair for about 2 months. One day he decided he had had enough and started walking. He is so strong and when he passed the Sacrament for the first time 2 weeks ago it made me cry. He is tougher than he knows.

Cyrus is struggling. Loughlin and Cyrus were best friends. They were just a year a part in school and always did things together. Each night before going to sleep they would talk to each other about their lives, their feelings, their dreams, their fears. From the time that Cy was born, I dressed them the same and always had them together. He has never known life without him until now.

He is having a hard time dealing with Loughlin's passing. Being in Jr. High exasperates the situation. I'm sure we all remember what it is like to have everyone staring at you when small things happen but this is far from small. Cy doesn't want to go to school. He is very far behind and struggles staying on task since Loughlin's death. He use to be a straight "A" student. He doesn't like being with friends anymore. He says they have nothing in common and he is not interested in what they are doing. He is 13 going on 25 with this knowledge and experience. I wish I could give him back his childhood but I am afraid it is gone forever.

Today at school in a nonsense class they make them take a horrendous thing happened. The class is college prep and the teacher, who is also the school counselor, talked about a subject that should be off limits in a normal situation but with a boy who had just lost his brother two months earlier it was completely insane. She brought up a time in college when she took a class on dealing with grief. The class took her to a mortuary and an embalming room. She went on to explain to the kids just what happens in that process, the draining of the blood in graphic detail etc. When I picked Cy up from school he was to the point of physical sickness. He was beyond upset. I wonder what school she went to to get a degree in school counseling. I should ask just to make sure I don't attend or send my children there. I am trying to be nice about it. I am trying to walk in her shoes but it is difficult to forgive when someone hurts your child like this. I am sure she did not intentionally mean to upset him but isn't knowing your audience the first thing that is taught. I am aware of who is around me every time I open my mouth. I am always very careful about what I say so I don't hurt someones feelings and I don't even have any training except in life. How can you heal these wounds? How are we going to get him to go to school tomorrow? He really needs your prayers to see him through this. He misses Loughlin so much. He is so lonely and sad without him.

Dealing with this is hard but watching your children struggle through it crushes your heart. I wish I could take their pain away. I love them so very much. I have a hard time understanding why when families are central to Heavenly Father's plan he would put our family through this. I have seen many destroyed by less. I pray we can stay strong together as a family and strong in the gospel.

Dark Days

The last week was black. I lived through the darkest days of my life. There were a few moments when friends reached out that I thought I would make it but then I would fall back into the darkness. A place so dark that there really was no light. The adversary was winning and without Harlen, I believe, he would have won the battle. I was losing my testimony, not of my church, but of any God. I have never felt such despair, such loneliness, such heartache. I wanted so bad to punish myself for the death of Loughlin that I have been telling myself there could be no God. For if there were a God, then all of the truths I have been taught or have learned through my life would take that blame from me, that Loughlin only had to spend a short time on this Earth to accomplish his mission, that Jesus Christ knows my pain, my anguish, my darkness for he has felt it and only he can take this burden from my shoulder. That He is in control not me.

I have been through this before. I guess you could say I am not a fast learner. After the death of my first child, Rhiannon, I blamed myself. I was her mother. She had low blood sugar and was suppose to be fed every 3 hrs. I set my alarm to wake up and feed her. The alarm either did not work or I slept through it. When I awoke she was gone and I could blame myself. I started making wrong choices again to numb the blame and the pain I felt. It took a couple of years then until I saw the light. I guess I am learning faster. I am sure there will be days when I will blame myself again but the relief I felt yesterday and today is incredible.

On Friday we went to the temple with friends. I was trying so hard to feel some sort of relief or comfort from the anguish that I was feeling. I sat through a session wanting a miracle, wanting to see Loughlin again, to feel his presence, to know he is fine. I was so worn out from the darkness that I could barely keep my eyes opened. I would close them hoping for something but the image I saw was Christ with his arms opened wide. It was not what I thought I wanted though. I wanted to see Loughlin. I had no faith of a life after death at the time and I was truly lost. I left the temple exhausted, sad and angry. I had thought I had not received the answer I was looking for but he was screaming in my ear. I just didn't want to hear it. I was being selfish. I was taking everyone down with me and I didn't care. Jesus was telling me that only through him could I find the peace I was searching for. Seeing Loughlin would not sustain me for long because Loughlin has spoke to me since his death and look where I was. A couple of days after the funeral I was standing in the dressing room by myself, probably the first time I had been alone since the accident. I heard a voice say, "Hey Mom" I looked around and no one was there. I heard it again and felt this overwhelming peace, like his arms were around me. He always got my attention by saying those words. I took that beautiful experience and questioned it. I questioned myself whether I had really heard it. I always wondered how after Laman and Lemuel had seen an angel of God could turn against his Word. I see now how it could be done. I am guilty of the same. Both Loughlin and Jesus Christ have been with me through all of this but I have been blind, deaf and dumb. I have been selfish. I know now that there is no way but through Him. I have made a decision to follow Him wherever he may lead me. This is not the path I wanted but it is the path he has chosen for me. I use to tell Loughlin to suck it up when times got hard. I am sure he is whispering those words in my ear. I know I will have to work through much more in the coming years but I will not try to do it again without my Father's love. There is no way but with Him.

Just One More Day

I often wonder what I'd tell you if I was given one more day.

One more moment together here on Earth; what would I choose to say?

I think I'd spend those hours just holding your sweet hand,

And together we'd remember life, since the day that yours began.

I'd want to get across to you the pride I feel inside,

And how each year those feelings grew as like the ocean tide.

I'd love to take you fishing hoping you caught the biggest one.

I'd spend that day just sitting close until the setting sun.

I'd tell you just how sorry I feel for sometimes being cruel,

And if I had another chance I'd always follow that golden rule.

God placed you in my loving arms and at times I just forgot,

To look to Him for guidance in all the things you sought.

I just ignored that truth, that we only have a little while,

To teach you all that you should learn, each moment help you smile.

I can sit around and tell myself that life just isn't fair,

or use my time to show my love to the ones whose life I share.

So today I'll make an effort to choose the latter one,

To live my life and make you proud until my days are done.

Me

Answers to prayers

I don't think it is just coincidence that after 4 really hard days I prayed for some relief and wow it came in so many forms in the last few days that it should sustain me for a little while. I have an incredible cousin that turned me on to a family blog in Park City, Utah of some incredible parents that lost their daughter last May. I have been occasionally reading their blog and felt inspired that I should contact Molly, the wonderful mom. She quickly emailed me back the answer to my question because a few around my family in the last days have made us feel like we were not handling this trial well. She made me feel very comfortable about the way I was feeling and gave me so many helpful suggestions on ways to combat the doubt that creeps in on my testimony of God, Jesus and the gospel. I am so very grateful for her taking the time out of her day to help me feel better about myself and help me edge closer to my Heavenly Father again.
Today when I dropped my kids off at school, the principal stopped me in the hall to talk to me for a few minutes. He is also a member of our church and the bishop of another ward. He told me he went home teaching to an inactive family the other night. The boy who is a few years younger than Loughlin told him that he really missed Loughlin and he had the pictures off the funeral program cut out and had put them on the inside of his binder for school. I often feel as though Loughlin's mission began on this Earth a long time ago and it keeps going here still today. He touched so many lives for the better and I hope some good will come out of our loss.
I received flowers from my wonderful husband. This act of kindness warmed my heart and brightened my day. I love the man that he is and the strength he is for me.
Tonight I received a loving email from that same cousin who has directed me in the right direction many times in these last few months. We were so close as kids and it is so nice having someone from my side of the family be so encouraging and loving. Harlen's family is so strong in the gospel and is always calling and sending letters. My mom and dad are not very religious, my two brothers are struggling with trials of their own. I lost my Grandma almost 9 years ago. She was my rock. I think about her often. She always held me up when I could not stand myself. I cling to the two sisters she has left on this Earth for they are what I have left of her. Family has always meant so much to me. So thank you Heidi for taking the time to check on me. I have always loved your family . They have always been there for me. It is the gospel that makes you shine.

Is there a time limit on grief?

Yesterday was ward conference for us and our Stake Presidency asked to meet with Harlen and I. They said they were concerned with our family but I felt as though they were more concerned with the way we were handling this because the community was looking on. They made me feel like I should be over the grief, the pain, the guilt and the heartache, which I am not over any of it. I have days when things are better but other days when I feel I cannot even breath on my own. Do they have a handbook on how to deal with grieving parents? Not any of the three have felt this kind of loss in their lives and I probably should not expect them to know how I am feeling but it made me feel even worse than I already did. I am grateful for the few friends who are walking this storm with us; who do not pass judgement but only give love and understanding.
I do not feel as lost today as I have felt in the last few days. I am to the hope stage again in my faith. I hope that I will see my son again. I cannot wait for the day that I may tell him once again how much I love him and how very proud I was of him.

3 Bad Days

The last 3 days have been so hard, possibly because we are back completely in the old routine that we were in before the accident. The kids are in school. I am in school. Harlen is outside working most of the day. I feel really down and sad most of the day. Yesterday I cried all the way to school after dropping Lea off at preschool and then had to sit through 2-2 hour classes, but if I had just come home I probably would have cried all day. I am lonely without Loughlin. The house can be full or the car or the restaurant but I am so empty. Harlen gave Loughlin's phone to a worker of ours for a little while so now I cannot call his voice mail. I miss his voice, his smile. I miss that he is scared to go outside to get some milk. I miss him getting off the tractor at night and asking what's for dinner. I miss taking him to his friends' houses. At brief periods in the day I can see a way we can make it without him but they are fleeting moments that do not last long. I am usually a good swimmer but I am drowning now. There are life preservers all around but I do not have the energy nor the desire to grab one.

The picture is probably Loughlin's happiest day. He shot that deer on his own. The biggest deer I had ever seen. I was so proud of him. He was such a great son!

My 39th Birthday

Today I turned 39.
The morning was a very difficult one because all my kids went back to school and I also started back to school. Cyrus refuses to use the wheelchair anymore which would be fine if we had a normal up to date school but half of his classes are in modules which means a lot of walking out doors in the snow to get to Algebra II, Choir and Study Hall. I worry about him falling and re-injuring his legs. It is his choice though and walking makes him feel more comfortable around his friends. Even if Maya, True and Giles were kicking and screaming (overexageration) on the way, all three went to school without incident. I on the other hand could barely leave the house because Lea was crying and asking me not to go. I was crying because I was very frightened to get back into life's normalcy and also because I have not been away from Harlen nor Lea since the accident. Well to make a long story short both the kids and I made it through our first day and we are the better for it.
Tonight we had quite the party with my best friend Julie Bennett who's birthday happens to fall on the same day as mine. Our families and a few close friends met at Winger's for quite a shindig including a maquerena dancing cow who conned me and Julie into dancing with her. She shook her utters and it was knee-slappin hilarious. Julie has the video maybe I can post it tomorrow. I felt Loughlin with us tonight. He loved parties and would have been completely embarrassed to see his old mom dancing and shaking it. LOL Cyrus was even embarrassed and it takes a lot for that to happen. The greatest gift I received today was a little rest from the overwhelming grief that seems to come at least once a day. I cried all of the way home from the party but mostly because I just missed him there. I don't believe our family will ever feel complete again in this mortal life. I pray the second coming is near and the first resurrection will feel my heart with the joy it is missing. I am grateful for the love of my Savior today and the constant Companion that comforts my aching soul. I am grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who forgives me for the anger that creeps into my heart and the doubt that stumbles into my mind. I am most thankful for my beautiful children who love me unconditionally and a husband that is always caring and loving. He has been my rock in the gospel and is always there to help me see through the fog. I am grateful for a strong heritage from both my mother and father's families. My grandmother that taught me love, kindness and how to forgive yourself even when it is most difficult. I really am trying to convince myself that I was the best mom I knew how to be with Loughlin and I really hope he knew how very much I loved him. Now everyday with my children :I love more and get angry less, Hug more and yell less , Pray more and hurry less. We only have such a short time when they are with us so I want to savor every moment, cherish every smile, and be intoxicated with every laugh. I am but 39 and feel 60, not only my body but my life experiences.
I hope I can handle school and life. Wish me luck.

Better Days ahead

I have not posted for a few days and have felt that I had more important things to accomplish while at home, which we are still very seldom home. In the time since I last posted I have had some trying but yet spiritual moments. On Friday Harlen and I decided it was time to pick out a headstone. I think that the thought of doing this was much harder than the actual act. I thought I would be confused and not do a fair job to Loughlin on this tough decision. I prayed that morning for some clarity and some holding up of my Husband and I during this process. We are not completely done with the headstone but I know exactly what I want to do to memorialize my son's life.
We were away from our children for most the day which I have a hard time enjoying a single minute away from them. We met our good friends Norm and Julie at dinner and Julie invited us to the temple the following morning for some special work for members of the Garner family. I debated on whether to go because to go meant another day spent away from my kids and just knowing how hard Sunday is, the temple would be even more tender. In the morning Harlen and I both had strong feelings we should attend. Leaving the kids with a very loved and trusted family, our Bishop Peterson's family, we headed off for a day that was emotionally overwhelming but worth the spiritual lift that was needed in my life. The blessings promised in the session have stuck with me for these last few days and sustained me. That little bit of doubt still creeps into my mind but I try to squash it quickly because I do not like where it leads me. Thank you Bennett family for inviting us and for the love you show us every day.
Sunday was a little easier this week and I stayed for all three of my meetings. I was released from my primary job in which I felt isolated in and felt I could not give the children what they needed. The Sacrament was hard but I know it is something that will be hard for a long time because I want to see Loughlin passing it or helping Brandon to pass it. Harlen, True and Cyrus, all three bore their testimonies; all three were beautiful. Cyrus walked to the pulpit on his own and him walking was a testament in itself.
This morning school was suppose to begin but we were up last night with True who was in a lot of pain, from what we do not know and so we are late moving and my vote would be to just keep them with us for another day. I can't breath when they are away from me. Still this morning, it feels as though someone has socked me in the belly. I cannot catch my breath and the sorrow is strong but I know my Savior is with me and that he loves me and with his help I can move this mountain. I love you, Loughlin. I did not tell you nearly enough when you were here. I remember your beautiful smile and your intoxicating laugh. I wish I could hear it again but for now I will find some joy in your memory.
2008 could have been great but I was lost most of the time before the death of Loughlin in trivial matters that did not matter and then lost in sorrow after his death. I hope the new year brings peace to our lives and a renewed effort on our family's part to do what matters, well, to serve the ones around us and to make sure our loved ones know how we feel; tell them we love them as much as we can.