God only asked Noah for 40 days and 40 nights

Today is day 34 in the hospital. I am exhausted. I just wrapped Harlen's PICC line so he could shower. I am not a nurse. I have never wanted to be a nurse. I never cared to know what a PICC line is or what it does. He has a port too. It's in the right side of his chest. It is for blood or platelets or poison or whatever the hell they want to put in him. We were so excited for a clean bone marrow biopsy, but now his numbers won't come up and the Dr. today gave us little hope on what they could do next. Did I mention I am tired?

On top of it all we are trying from 70 miles away to compose the bull sale catalog. It is virtually impossible. My mind is so cloudy from stress and anxiety that I am having a hard time remembering numbers from one source to get to the other source. It is a long process on a normal year and takes most of my energy. I am sucking at it.

Harlen is down. He is talking like he is planning for an end result that I cannot put my head around. I can't think through this. I can't imagine a life without him in it, but if his numbers don't come up there isn't much more they can do for him. UGH The words came out of my mouth. My God it is your turn to step in. I know you aren't accustom to being told what to do, but I am tired of asking. I am tired of pleading. I need the father of my children in my life, in their life. I need a happy ending. I need what is left in my family to stay in this family.Was cancer your idea? Because I have to tell you if it was it blows.

There is hope and then it is crushed, then there is hope, but it is squashed, then there is real hope, but it was just pretend, then there really is hope, but it never was hope. It was just words, and words are empty and hollow and ugly.

I still have hope the Dr.'s are wrong because seriously when have they been right?

I believe I would rather have 2 of every species living amongst me.

Why not me?

I just have a simple question. Why not me? Harlen is so loved by so many. He does such an awesome job at being positive. He is a supreme provider for our family. The kids love him. Did I mention that everyone who knows him loves him. Mark Twain said " No one is a failure that has friends"

I am the opposite, and I am sure that people are whispering the question across the sphere. Why not her? She has made so many awful choices and mistakes in life. You're right it should be me. It should have always been me.11 years ago it should have been me. Hell 31 years ago it should have been me.Why can't it be me?

Paralyzed

Today I am paralyzed. I am sure most of you believe that I am not being literal, but I am. It is amazing what the mind can do to the body. I have a headache. It's pretty excruciating. I took my normal regiment of Excedrin and Promethezine, but it is hanging on if not just by its fingertips. My mind wants to do so many things, like clean the house, fix the holes in my walls, make my yard look like someone lives here, but my body is paralyzed. It is like I am glued to this brown recliner in my living room in which I have come to hate. I feel so heavy that moving is almost impossible. You say I am just lazy, but you don't feel what I feel.

Tomorrow we meet with the Stem Cell Transplant Team. I am petrified of what they are going to tell us. You could say I just need faith, but faith in what? I have faith in a God now, but I do not have faith that it will save my husband from the horrible pain he is in store for. I do not have faith that a match will be found. I am scared. I am scared of what they are going to tell us.

Harlen has been suffering from stress related ills since his diagnosis. For the last three days it has been his back. He is suffering from muscle spasms and I am afraid of leaving him alone.  I used to get this pain all of the time and  know it will go away when he quits worrying and relaxes, but that is easier said than done. He is in the hands of people he doesn't know. People who are trained to cure him, but if they don't win it is just a game to them. They don't have a stake in this fight. As long as they get paid they will feel that their job has been completed.

I find comfort in prayer lately, but today I could pray all day and not feel at ease. God find a match for Harlen. Life is short enough.

The enjoyment of a debilitating panic attack

Not really. There is no joy in panic attacks. In fact you think you are dying and maybe you will one day. Of course you will one day, die. but a panic attack feels like you are dying right then.  Your chest hurts. Your neck stiffens. You have shortness of breath and are dizzy. Your lips and fingertips, even your feet are tingling. Wait those are the symptoms of a heart attack. Could I be having a heart attack? I am fat and completely out of shape. Questions like these make you panic more. Should I go to the Dr and get that same pandering pat on the back? Or will that only make you feel worse and kind of like a loser, which will add to the panic because your husband says he doesn't think you're a loser, but your extremities are numb for no fucking reason. YOU are a loser. Are you also crazy? You lost your balance going to pee and hit your head on the bathtub, but you are only dizzy because you are crazy, right? Why are you panicking he may or you may ask? How should I know? It could be the fact that you drove to Portland and back in 2 days for a softball camp that lasted until 6:30 pm, then there was an accident on the freeway and the sirens and lights make you think are we next? You still have a six hour drive. But this is insane? Driving until 2am is also insane, 3 days of complete insanity. A double shot in my arse again, but not for a real ailment like a migraine, but only because you feel like you are dying. You leave the Dr.'s office and you are stoned, and you are tired, but hey you are not in a total panic, but then the drugs wear off and you are once again panicked. How many Valiums can you take and still respond to human contact? If you take too many then you are in a panic you will run out before the end of the month. WTF! Where are the answers to my questions?

One sort of conclusion is don't DRIVE at all, never again.

Today I just need an ear to listen.....I am not looking for you to fix me. Happy birthday Giles!

It's Giles's 17th birthday today. Another milestone in this family, and I can choose whether this milestone pulls me further into the abyss or I can celebrate that we all made it this far. I love this kid. He is amazing. He gets treated horribly by authority figures because of his hair and his inability to cow tow to the bullshit that attacks him. He is so strong, yet he loves to be told how proud you are of him. He treats with respect those who deserve it, but certainly is smart enough to ascertain those who don't. He is hilarious and plays the worst music in the world, but he loves it, and I love it when he smiles. He has experienced 2 more years than Loughlin did. 17 more years than Rhiannon did. There is the stone that sinks me further. I think I will just float on my back and rest a while. The deep can wait.

I lost my Meds

I am having a rough day. I can't find my diazepam anywhere and I need it. I am panicked. I am having my 1st panic attack since changing meds. I need some help. I hope this is just a lil set back. 2 steps forward and 1 step back. Pray for me tonight.

That's not me anymore

That’s not me anymore

I used to wake each day looking forward to a new endeavor.

I used to crack a joke. I was quick. I was clever.

That’s not me anymore.

I used to enjoy a huge crowd, eyes on me as I took the stage.

I read every book I could find and hung on every page.

That’s not me anymore.

I loved to cook all kinds of cuisine.

My house was never perfect, but it was clean.

But that’s not me anymore.

I loved the farm, the bulls, the cows and the lil calves.

Always content, never worried about the didn’t haves.

I’ll never be like that anymore.

I loved to watch my kids in everything they did.

Every song, every hit, every set, even when they slid.

It’s just not me anymore.

I loved my husband with every ounce of my soul.

We went everywhere together. Eternity was my goal.

That’s just not me anymore.

I can’t say I was always smiling, but the joy shined through.

Days I was down there was only just a few.

But I’m not like that anymore.

Back then I believed there was a God that cared about my life.

I believed in forever families and wanted to be a forever wife.

But I don’t believe like that anymore.

I spend days now wondering why I am even here.

All my mistakes and flaws are showing crystal clear.

Cuz that’s not my life anymore.

Getting out of bed each day shouldn’t be a struggle.

And at night I want to be alone. Never want to cuddle.

Happiness eludes me. I don’t feel it anymore.

I worry every moment, every day, every minute.

If this is it. I quit. I don’t want to be in it.

I don’t want to live anymore.

Today 25 years ago my water broke

25 years ago today I was walking up the stairs at Harlen's grandpa's house and my water broke. We had been taking care of him, but that was just another disaster in my life. He called and told people I locked him in his room and didn't feed him. That wasn't true, but probably this day I would do just that. I hate people.

So tomorrow is that bright idea I had about a huge party for my dead son. WTF was I thinking? I am completely miserable. Have I mentioned I hate people.

Lea made the varsity volleyball team. Which is beyond awesome, but... I know there is always a but. She has a game tomorrow night against Vale, Nyssa's rival, ( I think team, school rivals are asinine, but I will play nice) She was a JV player, but then she is the star setter and she will miss Loughlin's party. So will Giles miss it just in case there is the slightest of chance that they can make it for the last moments of a celebration of a 10 year dead son. Then there is Maya that is so excited for her sister, but yet has to be so jealous that she never had the chance to play. Because of me, because 10 years ago I hit a parked farm truck and ruined the lives of everyone around me. But Maya is smiling and cheering and so excited for the sister she loves. I sometimes tell her she is a lot of like me. What a complete farce. She is nothing like me. She loves. She forgives. She shows this stalwart personality like she can't be hurt, even when she is so hurt. She is amazing in so many ways. She is tired of her mom. She is pretty close to hating me. I think this is the moment other parents talk about, when they can't wait to get them to become adults. I have never felt this way. the mom daughter relationship is so different. My first relationship with my daughter only lasted 2 weeks. I am clearly not good at this. I  no nothing about what a real girl/ young women wants because I really never lived that life.

She leaves for school on Thursday. Another child leaving the nest. Another step closer to the moment I am no longer needed on this earth. I should be happy I guess. I am . I am proud of her and her drive. There will no longer be any noise in my house during the day again. I am not ready for that. I am not ready to act cheerful as people celebrate the fact Loughlin will never be 25. He won't be because I KILLED him.

Rhiannon is dead
Loughlin is dead
Cyrus doesn't even like to be in the same room as me.
True is my protector, but he need not be. He needs to worry about his life.
Maya pretty much could do without me.
Giles doesn't even know I exist.
Lea, well Lea is just consumed with her perfectness.

Only a decade a go it seemed almost good. WTH happened??????????

This is not a cry for help

There has been this lingering thought in my head most of my life. I don't belong. There is this utility knife on the counter in my kitchen. I don't know who left it there or why. I haven't thought that part through. I don't really care. I only care that it is there. Tempting as it seems. There is so many ways to ease this pain I face everyday. Overdose, Driving off the road to the dam, Guns galore, but this knife entices my thoughts of the unseemly demise of my soul. It would be easy, yet messy. Where would be the cleanliness, but when have I ever cared about sticky floors. My life has always been so fucking cluttered, complicated, sloppy, and frankly dire. Yet this sharp razor knife has kept my attention for moments. Who am I kidding? It's all I think about. I would never do this to my babies, my husband, yes, but not my kids. They have suffered insurmountable damage at my hands. The POPO was correct. I killed my son. I probably killed my baby girl too. She was mine.  He was mine. I was in charge of their everything, and I failed. I failed grievously. I quit the medicine that was supposed to be keeping me level, but it wasn't keeping me level. It was keeping me numb, dead inside, dull, even callous, but that pink pill kept me alive, breathing, but what is living, breathing without feeling? It isn't living. You are right. I might as well have been in a coma for 9 years. I could only wish I was in the coma, because then I wouldn't have been filled with the ugly emotions that creeped in and took over my life, the guilt, the anxiety, the anger, the guilt, the guilt, the guilt. So this is 1 week off those horrible, sinister, menacing, horrid, vile pink pills that made me shake uncontrollably, that made jerk, so I couldn't even enjoy my succulent black beverage that is ALWAYS my favorite part of my morning. For 2 months I have refrained from the coffee because I was tired of being burned, but most of all I was tired of the ugliness that surrounded that fucking pink pill. I am not capable of living without that fucking pink pill, yet how would I know? How would I know with my addiction to this lousy pink pill? Sure for a year after Loughlin died I was a fucking wreck. I did horrible things, made terrible choices. I wanted to die. The guilt. Is there a worse emotion? It engulfs your whole being. your every thought, your every word, your every dream, your everything. The guilt of losing Rhiannon made me a better mom, but a lousy wife. The guilt of killing Loughlin, killed me. I died 3,602 days ago, 86,642 hours ago, 5,198,520 minutes ago. I have been part of the walking dead for almost 10 years. Surely not the walking dead that is on TV with the fingers falling off and wanting to devour human flesh, but I am walking and I am dead. 💔

Day 6 of my detoxification

I have made it 6 days while detoxifying from the poison passed off as a helpful drug. I have spent these days suffering from nausea, vomiting, dizziness, foggy mind, shaking, tired and really completely miserable, but i can see a light at the end of the tunnel. I want my personality back. And I was funny this morning. I used to could come up with a song for every situation. I did it again yesterday and not just once, but many times. I am not having racing thoughts. I am mostly tired. I am hoping for a better life after this toxin is out of my body, drinking a cup of coffee without spilling because of the shaking and jerking.   Hopeful once again. 💔😅

Rock Bottom

My life, I picture as a cavern in the middle of the ocean. This cavern is deep, deep as the deepest part of the ocean. It has ridges and cliffs on all sides. It must be like that. The bottom has never been seen. It is unknown territory. I say all of this because I hear people whisper, she has hit rock bottom. Yet there is no bottom, well I haven;t felt it yet. I fell as a child when my coach molested me in the pool. I was low. The rocky edges cut and scraped me, but the water receded and I lived for a while. I didn't learn  though. I hated myself, I was dirty and I tried to cleanse my soul with tequila or rum or really anything I could find. Passed out on the bed I am raped and only wakeup to smell his horrible smell. The smell that I will never forget, I still heave when I smell it. OMG that had to be rock bottom. I fell far and deep but I survived. I was bruised, physically, I was cut wide open, figuratively, I was filthy now. What was ever the point in caring about anything. I was good at being bad. I liked it in the dark. I loved it in the cold depths of my sea. Then there was the pregnancy and Rhiannon and her death. That had to be rock bottom. But it wasn't. I looked for anything to ease my pain. The cliff was steep and narrow. I couldn't stay there long. I swam to the surface. I married Harlen and started a beautiful family. Life was wonderful for a while, but then one Fall morning I was thinking of other things and in a hurry to get back home to make a dessert for Mike's funeral. I didn't see the truck. I drove the same road every morning for thousands of mornings, but this morning was different. I don't remember the truck, but I remember the bloody aftermath. I remember watching my kids suffer more than any child should ever have to. This had to be rock bottom. I kept slipping down further. I made so many poor choices, falling farther. There is no way out of this one. I have been drowning for so long, 10 years without a real breath, a hearty one that fills your lungs and recharges every cell in your body. So many people try to pull me out, but I believe this is where I belong. Others, evil, uncaring Fucks like the policeman in Nyssa they enjoy pushing you down further, before you can get a breath. They push your kids down. I have found my new bottom. I am a killer to people in this town. I am making a 4 yr plan to get the hell out of this hole. Lea graduates and we are gone, a fresh start, a fresh move, I have something to look forward to.

There is a Blue Shadow hanging over me.

It must be that time of year again. The time when I have to face the facts that my kids are getting older, now Lea is a freshman just like Loughlin was when he died. This morning I was watching an airbag commercial talking about the safety of their cars and I just listened and then I saw Loughlin just lying there. I saw Cy's legs crushed in the car. I saw Maya unconscious on the floor of the suburban. I watched True and Giles climb over their brother's lifelessness. I hear my shrills that I killed my son. I am watching it replay in my mind 100's of times today. I cannot shut it off. I cannot fast forward nor rewind. This is my life. The incident with the POPO in Nyssa has made these feelings so raw and the guilt dig in to stay. I am tired. Maya is here with me for another 3 weeks, but then what? Alone in this empty space?

Giles & Lea 1st day of school 2018

"Wake me up when September Ends"

Blue Lives Matter......... Not really....... Not anymore than anyone else.... Not really at all

I know I should talk about Fair last week. I know I should put up cute pictures of Giles and Lea showing their steers and put on that fake smile I keep in a jar by the door, but I can't. I want to tell you a very different tale. A tale of chivalry and braveness. A tale of stalwartness and courage. This would be my son Giles.

On Friday night August 3rd, 2018, Giles was pulled over by the Nyssa police. They said he was called in by an anonymous source because they thought he was drinking. The problem is Giles does not drink and he had just left us at Fair 15 minutes previous to take his girlfriend home. We had been playing cards in the motor home. It was around 11:30 pm. This is a normal time to leave the Fair. The kids are required to stay all day, and to feed their animals before they went home. They would be back at 6-6:30 am. It is a long week and this was the 5th day. The source of the phone call cannot be released. (Info from the cops). He was put through the regular asinine sobriety tests. (Why didn't he just blow into a breathalyzer?) Anyways........ After he passed everything, the lead cop asked the rest of the 5 cops, yes 5 cops for a 16 yr old boy, guilty of nothing, to turn off their bodycams. (What that only happens on TV, or in major cities against black men!) Well guess what the struggle is real. Officer Armenta then proceeded to berate my son. He told him he was a shitty driver. (Giles has never even had a ticket.) He yelled more and more until he came to the climax of his tantrum, That he was helping. He didn't want another accident to happen since Giles's mom killed her son. Yes I killed Loughlin. I know I say it, but no one else can say that. It was supposed to be an accident, not my fault, but here was a man in blue yelling, screaming at my son, that I killed my son. 

Giles lost it. He told that son of a bitch that he cannot talk about his brother. He did not know his brother. He had no right to speak his name. At this time Giles was crying. He told me he wanted to be strong and not show his emotion, but that fucker broke him. He didn't just break him. He broke me. He took away 9 years of counseling in his little craziness. For three days all I can think about is the accident. In my mind are images of Loughlin dead, his brain matter leaking on the seat, his brothers Giles and True having to climb over him to get out of the suburban. 10 years of not having Loughlin here and this prick thinks he can do this to this family. See I believe in vengeance as does your Lord. 

the Chief of Police has been nice, but nice is not what I need. I want his badge. I want him to suffer as we have. I want him to lose a child and grieve for the rest of his life. I want him to feel years of guilt. I want him to beg on his knees for this not to be true.  

They say this is emotional distress at the hands of the great men in blue. I say 6 officers watched this happen and did nothing until the next morning when a few broke the blue wall, and then a few more. You see Giles was telling the truth and turning off their bodycams is against the law, and to what end? To scare a 16 yr old into being a better driver, wait Giles is a good driver. Power is a funny thing.

The Chief has a quote by Edmund Burke on his Facebook wall. It says"  All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing". But I just visited his page and it is gone, co put. Is that a sign that he, also, is not going to do what is necessary to fight the triumph of evil? Well the tea leaves tell a fascinating story.  I am sure they are getting their ducks in a row, because Hell hath no fury, wait Don't mess with a mother bear, because I will do everything to protect the cubs I still have. I have always bocked at authority, because " "Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Great men are almost always bad men." Lord Acton. 

I am in the process of seeing what can be done to right this wrong. Maybe an attorney, he will have a free one. Even the ACLU is on my list, my arch-enemy, but my family is more important than my ideals. 

Nyssa Police Department Mission Statement:"Honor, Integrity and Service "

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Venting........Puking.........

Do you know me? I’m the woman that killed her son.

It was an accident you say but resolution I feel none.

People spend a life locked away for stealing such a spirit.

You say it’s different this time, but I don’t want to hear it.

My hands shake because of the guilt.

So many hours I have knelt.

An empty soul is all I’ve built.

An offsuit I’ve been dealt.

All the darkness I have felt.

A decade of sorrow left a welt.

I can’t perform the easiest task.

I leave the house in Eleanor’s mask.

I drink the poison from his flask,

But it was never enough to ease this madness.

Never enough to end this sadness.

Look again I am but a shell.

I dwell on earth in a living hell

When will I hear the toll of the bell?

How long could one feel this way?

I visited your marker just yesterday.

The shame made me retch.

As I read the scripture that was etched.

“If you have done it unto the least of these……”

God remove it please.

I killed him, and he is gone forever.

This family will now never be together.

It's been so long. Is it really worth the effort?

How long has it been since I poured my heart out on this computer? Long I questioned whether I should keep it up. My life seemed to suck in the present about as much as everyone around me then something wonderful happened. Life altering wonderful, and then something even more wonderful happened, then we made it to three. I don't know how long it has been since 3 things that were positive happened in my life, our lives. Maya graduated from high school with honors which is huge. She took Math 112 college credit and still graduated with honors. I am so proud of her knowing the struggles she has. But they are not struggles to her.

 #2 Softball season ended and our team won the championship. Maya coaching, Giles helping, Me coaching and most importantly Lea playing with 9 of her friends. We beat everyone bad  Lea pitched great. All the girls hit so good. Errors weren't found. We played an almost perfect game in the series. Those girls are World Champions.


#3 The best news is Cyrus and McKayla came and told us they were pregnant and we were going to take on new names Papa and Gramma. Wow a new life, a new spirit in our family. Everyday that I was down in this happy period I would think about that new baby and nothing bad mattered. My back was out. I got 3 bouts of thrush, but that was nothing because I was going to be a nana or a grandma.


 



But wait, I know what you are thinking, well maybe you are more positive than me because I am not , but I would  be thinking at this point this post is just too happy.This is way too much good news, Well I would be right, Sunday McKayla started spotting., and of course the good times ceased to roll. She lost the baby. 12 weeks along .And there it was. Now I am sitting doing books and I am only thinking about that baby and what could have been, for Cyrus, McKayla, and the rest of the family and I cry, because I hate loss, because I believe we have had far more than our fair share of shitty luck. So I feel like a prisoner in my own life with a small window in my cell teasing me with a hot meal and all my loved ones around me. Then I cry some more and I feel sorry for myself because I can, because I don't know anything else..that is all I know.



For my sanity My friend made me a weighted blanket just in time for all the stress and anxiety.  Thanks Tami I love it and it really is incredible.
I am finally sleeping.

Mind conquers all

Rough week in my body. I felt dizzy for the week, even to the point I passed out 3 times. Finally I relented and went to the Dr. again, blood work, bp, blood ox, blood sugar. Everything turned out normal. Next an EKG at St. Lukes, normal, but the technician doesn't want to release me because of being faint, pale, lethargic. So they send me to the ER for more tests, the Dr. is a joke. He doesn't even listen to the time length that my symptoms had been happening. Reads passed out three separate times on my chart and takes more blood, sends me home with yet another prescription. Masks the symptoms but the underlying problem still exists. I have no energy. I a.m dizzy. I am tired, and even more so now with this new med. I want to be healthy again before I die.

I have so much to live for. I have softball starting up again. Giles playing baseball. Lea playing tennis. Maya helping me coach and May 27th she graduates from high school. Cyrus is working back on the farm and living close with his beautiful wife. True is here too with his cute girlfriend we all love. Harlen and I get closer everyday. Life could be so good, if my head was straight and my body was strong.

The Conversation

Cyrus and McKayla came over to the house yesterday. We talked. We talked for 2 hours about a lot of things. He still blames me for so many things, but I don't think he hates me. I don't know if things will ever be the same. I love this child so much. I would easily give my life for him. If this was a fair world I would be able to take this from him. I deserve it. He deserves a good life, teaching, having kids, loving his music and his books. He has been through hell and back. If God was real I could sacrifice my mind for him to be healthy. Love should conquer all.

Never enough

You would think i would be happy this morning, but I am not. Easter dinner went off without a hitch. We even hunted for eggs, yes everyone.  I am sure the bribery with the money helped. My son hates me still.  Now I have neighbors wondering what this demon could have done to her son to have him turn on me. Always me..... what a curse. I hate Easter anyway.  The life after death promise is too unbelievable to even be a hope.
Fuck this life.
Which disease would pay penance for the hell I have created? Leprosy needs to make a comeback.

Down and out

1,2 shell
Ring the bell
Living hell
Clearance sale
On my life
Shitty wife
Trials rife
Sharp knife
Neck or wrist
Get the gist?
Moments missed
Feeling pissed
Nauseated
Ankles weighted
Looking dated.
Always hated.
Life's a clash.
An irritating rash.
beneath teeth gnash
Left recycled trash.
People try to save
Not realizing what I gave
2 in the grave.
Now 1 to his mind a slave.
Giving up is painless
No one's getting famous
Keeping up is brainless
No god I am faithless.

A Hello can change your life, at least your attitude

Yesterday Cyrus came in the house in the morning and said Hello Mom. Can I have a cup of coffee? It's been months since he said something nice to me. He is working out here on the farm to earn money for bills. He hates charity even from us. He wants to pay his way. I see hope now when before  I only say dismay. I love this man so much.

Then on the other hand Maya thinks she is moving out when she turns 18. Life is a struggle. Buddha can you slow the struggle down?