Why not me?

I just have a simple question. Why not me? Harlen is so loved by so many. He does such an awesome job at being positive. He is a supreme provider for our family. The kids love him. Did I mention that everyone who knows him loves him. Mark Twain said " No one is a failure that has friends"

I am the opposite, and I am sure that people are whispering the question across the sphere. Why not her? She has made so many awful choices and mistakes in life. You're right it should be me. It should have always been me.11 years ago it should have been me. Hell 31 years ago it should have been me.Why can't it be me?

Paralyzed

Today I am paralyzed. I am sure most of you believe that I am not being literal, but I am. It is amazing what the mind can do to the body. I have a headache. It's pretty excruciating. I took my normal regiment of Excedrin and Promethezine, but it is hanging on if not just by its fingertips. My mind wants to do so many things, like clean the house, fix the holes in my walls, make my yard look like someone lives here, but my body is paralyzed. It is like I am glued to this brown recliner in my living room in which I have come to hate. I feel so heavy that moving is almost impossible. You say I am just lazy, but you don't feel what I feel.

Tomorrow we meet with the Stem Cell Transplant Team. I am petrified of what they are going to tell us. You could say I just need faith, but faith in what? I have faith in a God now, but I do not have faith that it will save my husband from the horrible pain he is in store for. I do not have faith that a match will be found. I am scared. I am scared of what they are going to tell us.

Harlen has been suffering from stress related ills since his diagnosis. For the last three days it has been his back. He is suffering from muscle spasms and I am afraid of leaving him alone.  I used to get this pain all of the time and  know it will go away when he quits worrying and relaxes, but that is easier said than done. He is in the hands of people he doesn't know. People who are trained to cure him, but if they don't win it is just a game to them. They don't have a stake in this fight. As long as they get paid they will feel that their job has been completed.

I find comfort in prayer lately, but today I could pray all day and not feel at ease. God find a match for Harlen. Life is short enough.

I lost my Meds

I am having a rough day. I can't find my diazepam anywhere and I need it. I am panicked. I am having my 1st panic attack since changing meds. I need some help. I hope this is just a lil set back. 2 steps forward and 1 step back. Pray for me tonight.

The Creeping Darkness

There are so many things that have changed for me in the last two weeks. The biggest of which is I am happier. I actually am cleaning up my house, but that is going to take a while. I am so out of shape. Wallowing in self pity can certainly take it out of someone when it takes 10 years to snap out of it. I am tired though. I can feel the darkness creeping in and I hate it.

Volleyball season has ended for Lea, but she started pitching lessons last night. She will be starting pretty much from scratch. She wants to learn new and faster pitches so she is going to have to change almost all of her pitching technique. It is going to be a long process, but if anyone can do it, it is her.

Maya has decided to come back to TVCC for the Winter term. She is after all a mommy's girl. It will save her so much money and I really love her around.

Cyrus got all his paper work in and should be starting to substitute teaching soon. Maybe then he will know that is what he wants to do before starting the Masters program.

True and Katlyn spent 10 days on a elk hunt and saw nothing, so they froze their ass off for nothing. I am sure True still found fun in it.

Giles needs to improve his grades. He only cares about fast cars and cute girls. I hope he starts pitching soon.

Harlen has the corn and cow work left for this year. He is exhausted and we are talking about phasing us out of the farm. None of our kids want to take it over. He is too tired to do it all.

Please God keep these meds working. I love the new , old me.

Venting........Puking.........

Do you know me? I’m the woman that killed her son.

It was an accident you say but resolution I feel none.

People spend a life locked away for stealing such a spirit.

You say it’s different this time, but I don’t want to hear it.

My hands shake because of the guilt.

So many hours I have knelt.

An empty soul is all I’ve built.

An offsuit I’ve been dealt.

All the darkness I have felt.

A decade of sorrow left a welt.

I can’t perform the easiest task.

I leave the house in Eleanor’s mask.

I drink the poison from his flask,

But it was never enough to ease this madness.

Never enough to end this sadness.

Look again I am but a shell.

I dwell on earth in a living hell

When will I hear the toll of the bell?

How long could one feel this way?

I visited your marker just yesterday.

The shame made me retch.

As I read the scripture that was etched.

“If you have done it unto the least of these……”

God remove it please.

I killed him, and he is gone forever.

This family will now never be together.

Mind conquers all

Rough week in my body. I felt dizzy for the week, even to the point I passed out 3 times. Finally I relented and went to the Dr. again, blood work, bp, blood ox, blood sugar. Everything turned out normal. Next an EKG at St. Lukes, normal, but the technician doesn't want to release me because of being faint, pale, lethargic. So they send me to the ER for more tests, the Dr. is a joke. He doesn't even listen to the time length that my symptoms had been happening. Reads passed out three separate times on my chart and takes more blood, sends me home with yet another prescription. Masks the symptoms but the underlying problem still exists. I have no energy. I a.m dizzy. I am tired, and even more so now with this new med. I want to be healthy again before I die.

I have so much to live for. I have softball starting up again. Giles playing baseball. Lea playing tennis. Maya helping me coach and May 27th she graduates from high school. Cyrus is working back on the farm and living close with his beautiful wife. True is here too with his cute girlfriend we all love. Harlen and I get closer everyday. Life could be so good, if my head was straight and my body was strong.

Momma said there would be days like this..............

I could say I woke up in a foul mood, but you would actually have to sleep to wake up in any kind of mood. I am obsessed with checking Cyrus' Facebook account to see if he is awake like me. 2 nights ago we were both up all night, him posting, me waiting to see his posts. Then I spent the day at a volleyball tournament with Lea. The noise and the people in such a small area put my PTSD in full throttle. I am out of valium. I took it way to often with everything that is going on in my life. Now I am stuck in a constant state of panic. The brontosaurus that is resting on my chest refuses to move. I picked the brontosaurus because an elephant just doesn't explain the feeling and when Loughlin was a child the long neck was his favorite dinosaur. I can't get over the words of my supposed loving husband that I am the spawn of the devil and I caused Cyrus' mental illness. It makes me sick. I have the worst problem with guilt anyway I just want to thank him for adding to it. I killed Rhiannon because I did not wake up on time. I killed Loughlin because I can't drive a fucking suburban to school in the morning and now I am responsible for. Cyrus because I am angry at God and I don't follow my husband's religion. He teaches Gospel Doctrine in church. Sunday's lesson was on Abraham and Sara and Sodom and Gomorrah . I told him that God condones Adultery, Rape and Incest. He didn't think I was funny, but really Abraham and Hagar, Lot's daughters got him drunk and raped him. OMG and I am the malevolent one.

I hate that I sit in silence about Cyrus' illness. Why is mental illness frowned upon? If he was suffering from kidney disease everyone would be concerned. They would check in on him. They would feel empathy for him. Instead they treat him like a leper. Do you know what I would give to talk to Cyrus again, just for 5 minutes, 10. I miss him so much. It is like he is here but a shell. Have I already lost him?

That's the night the lights went out in Nyssa

Monday night Harlen had a meeting in Ontario for 4H. At about 7:30pm Cyrus walked in our house. He was not himself, well not what he was 3 months ago. He was spitting mad. He wanted to take all the family games and sell them. He started in on calling me names. Giles and Maya tried to protect their mama and Cyrus went after them. He called Maya bad names and threw Giles to the ground. He threw our barstools down and stomped them until they were broken. I was so scared for my kids. Giles called True and True came up and broke most of the fight. It was horrible. My PTSD is full throttle. Cyrus left and Harlen came home. Everyone wanted me to call the cops but I couldn't do it. I couldn't watch him being handcuffed and taken away.

Today is another day. True somehow by the grace of God has got Cyrus to the Dr. He said he would take the medicine if Cyrus would. Sometimes you just know you have raised a great kid. Maya and Giles stood up to Cyrus and tried to protect me. They showed their love in a great way. I hope this chapter in our lives ends soon. I am exhausted.

Look what is down our hill............

Do you see the truck at the end of the lane? Sure it is further than that horrible morning, but it is there, and the corn is being harvested in the field. This is triggering me to the point my head is foggy. No it isn't ok to park it there. You would think you would know that.

Trying

Trying

I feel like dying.

So tired of trying.

Wake-up Blue.

Aching all through

My distorted form.

Wishing I was never born.

I’m weary every moment

Time is my opponent.

Every day is a marathon.

I am far from a paragon

Is there an easier way?

Do I have to stay?

In a place with so much pain.

When there is nothing to gain.

Peace seems out of my reach.

Grief is my personal leach.

Happy 24th Birthday Loughlin

Today Loughlin would have been 24 years old. I can't believe it has been 9 years. I can't also believe that we have survived 9 birthdays without you. I miss you every moment. I love you. My heart is full today, but broken in pieces.

Today I just wanted to die

We are coming up on another one of Loughlin's birthdays. He would have been 24, but he isn't . He is dead. I have had one of those days. Those days when you think that you have had enough. The kind of day I have more than a couple of times a year. I had almost convinced myself to give up. My kids are doing well. They probably would be better off without me. I am doing bookwork that I hate, no that I despise. My anxiety is unbearable. I was even dreaming of ways to do it so that Harlen would still get the life insurance . He would be better without me. I can't breathe any longer. I want it to end.

2 hrs later, Lea has a volleyball game and life looks a little better. 

Maybe I can make it another day.

100 random Mormon mothers or a compliment for your wife

How hard do you believe it would be for your significant other to accept a compliment about your wife being the nicest Mormon at the reception. To which my son said My mom isn't really very nice and she isn't really a Mormon. Funny huh? Well I thought it was funny, but I guess not for everyone because it is too hard to comprehend that someone thinks your wife is nice, especially nicer than those perfect Mormons.Why are you with me? Sinking deeper.........

What a f-up religion

They Have it Worse

They Have it Worse

You think you got it bad there is someone who always has it worse.

They took your pride but they left your purse.

Is that supposed to make me feel better?

I could sit down and detail it in a letter.

You have no idea what I’ve been through.

Your eyes would cry a tear if you knew,

Or maybe you would talk the same way.

Judge me, then invite me to pray.

You think you know what it is like to walk in my shoes,

Do you know what it’s like to feel so blue?

To sit and wonder what your child would have been?

To question every moment, if not then?

Then times that by two and add abuse and a rape.

Are you astonished? Is that a gape?

Some have it worse, but some have it milder.

Some like it nice and some like it wilder.

Some think I’m a bitch, and some think I am kind.

I invite you to come inside my shady mind.

Then you’ll see the darkest, deepest corners,

Where they scream and claw at this greatest mourner.

I see my baby in my dreams.

She is perfect, life is what it seems.

But that dream fades and in comes the fear.

The reapers are all around. Their breath is near.

They take her away and leave me pleading.

She is fresh and I am still bleeding.

Then tease me with a greater life.

Hit me once, now hit me twice.

He was the flawless son.

His potential had just begun...

The harvester couldn’t take this one in the dark.

This time the jaws were as mean as a shark.

He left a scar that no one could hide.

He pilfered what was left inside.

The grim he took the future and left me blind.

Now who has it worst? Who can you find?

You know nothing about them, just as you know nothing about me.

Open your eyes and get off your worn knees.

God never made you judge over anyone.

You say he sent his Only Begotten Son?

That is for your mind not for mine.

Being on your knees weakens the spine.

So, tell me again how Some have it worse.

Because my life feels like it has been cursed.

I am not looking for your pity.

Asking you to get down and gritty.

I am not asking for anything at all.

You’re the reason I built a large wall.

To keep the Pharisees out and let no one else in.

Your words will not penetrate the skin.

Leave me alone and take your own course.

Empathy is one thing no one can force.

The Cemetery

I really have memory problems, but I can't remember the last time I have been to Loughlin's grave. I used to visit it often. I felt closer to him there. I believe that is because of the quietness that surrounds you there. It is surreal, well until some car or farm truck drives by and ruins the entire moment. They look at you like you are a freak. If you show your emotions, cry the looks make you feel like you are unstable, that you should have been over this. Almost 8 years and you are still crying for a son you killed, yes, yes, yes, I cry almost daily. I cry at my failures. I cry at what my life has become. I look for something to drowned out my agony. Alcohol, drugs, but I have other kids. I have to be strong, so I will just use my prescribed meds to relieve my hurt and anger and frustration at the process. Why the hell do I have do go through this twice?

Are you a mom? Can you feel my pain? Can you feel the loneliness even in a crowded room? Do you feel this anger? Scream with me. Let the world know how fucked up this is.

Loughlin and Rhiannon, I will never look upon your beautiful faces again. I am so tired..........

Hunting Season lasts a Lifetime

Loughlin's 1st and only Buck

Loughlin loved to hunt. He hunted in his free time as much as he could. He shot his 1st buck on one of the last day of hunting season. His first hunting season. The mount is beautifully hung going down our stairs. It was an awesome buck. 

True now loves to hunt even more than Loughlin did. He hunts morning and night. He never drew for a tag this year, but did get a bow permit. He shot his first buck with a bow the other night. Now it is Giles turn. It is the first weekend he can go. Harlen, True and Giles headed to Jordan Valley to try to fill Giles' permit. I hope he gets his 1st deer.

On the other hand it is hard for me to put on a smile and say go. It all makes my heart hurt so much. It makes me think of Loughlin and how much he missed, how much joy we missed in him succeeding, how hard it is to be overly excited for the other boys. I also know that their is danger each time they head out with their guns. My grandfather was shot and killed deer hunting in Utah. I have never been a fan and my anxiety is overwhelming when they go. 

Pheasant season opened today, next is duck and goose, then turkey. You see my anguish will go on forever, but hopefully the worry will subside a bit.

Finding Answers to my health problems

I completed one test on Friday and I have 2 left most likely leading to surgery. 1/2 of my stomach is above my diaphragm . ( worse than the picture). I am sick quite often,3/5 days a week. I throw up. I have acid reflux that goes all the way up my nose. I wake up in a dream I am drowning and I am downing in my own acid. I am so tired. I can't go back to sleep afterwards.

I am worried about the outcome of the further tests but I am also relieved to know there could be an end to this part of my misery in life. Friday is my next test, an Endoscopy and Colonoscopy. Sounds like a party at my house Friday night. haha. You know it is bad when I am letting someone go that way on me. I am scared and grossed out. Immature perhaps but that is me. Hopefully I can get this fixed before the end of the year.

Wish me luck.