The enjoyment of a debilitating panic attack

Not really. There is no joy in panic attacks. In fact you think you are dying and maybe you will one day. Of course you will one day, die. but a panic attack feels like you are dying right then.  Your chest hurts. Your neck stiffens. You have shortness of breath and are dizzy. Your lips and fingertips, even your feet are tingling. Wait those are the symptoms of a heart attack. Could I be having a heart attack? I am fat and completely out of shape. Questions like these make you panic more. Should I go to the Dr and get that same pandering pat on the back? Or will that only make you feel worse and kind of like a loser, which will add to the panic because your husband says he doesn't think you're a loser, but your extremities are numb for no fucking reason. YOU are a loser. Are you also crazy? You lost your balance going to pee and hit your head on the bathtub, but you are only dizzy because you are crazy, right? Why are you panicking he may or you may ask? How should I know? It could be the fact that you drove to Portland and back in 2 days for a softball camp that lasted until 6:30 pm, then there was an accident on the freeway and the sirens and lights make you think are we next? You still have a six hour drive. But this is insane? Driving until 2am is also insane, 3 days of complete insanity. A double shot in my arse again, but not for a real ailment like a migraine, but only because you feel like you are dying. You leave the Dr.'s office and you are stoned, and you are tired, but hey you are not in a total panic, but then the drugs wear off and you are once again panicked. How many Valiums can you take and still respond to human contact? If you take too many then you are in a panic you will run out before the end of the month. WTF! Where are the answers to my questions?

One sort of conclusion is don't DRIVE at all, never again.

That's not me anymore

That’s not me anymore

I used to wake each day looking forward to a new endeavor.

I used to crack a joke. I was quick. I was clever.

That’s not me anymore.

I used to enjoy a huge crowd, eyes on me as I took the stage.

I read every book I could find and hung on every page.

That’s not me anymore.

I loved to cook all kinds of cuisine.

My house was never perfect, but it was clean.

But that’s not me anymore.

I loved the farm, the bulls, the cows and the lil calves.

Always content, never worried about the didn’t haves.

I’ll never be like that anymore.

I loved to watch my kids in everything they did.

Every song, every hit, every set, even when they slid.

It’s just not me anymore.

I loved my husband with every ounce of my soul.

We went everywhere together. Eternity was my goal.

That’s just not me anymore.

I can’t say I was always smiling, but the joy shined through.

Days I was down there was only just a few.

But I’m not like that anymore.

Back then I believed there was a God that cared about my life.

I believed in forever families and wanted to be a forever wife.

But I don’t believe like that anymore.

I spend days now wondering why I am even here.

All my mistakes and flaws are showing crystal clear.

Cuz that’s not my life anymore.

Getting out of bed each day shouldn’t be a struggle.

And at night I want to be alone. Never want to cuddle.

Happiness eludes me. I don’t feel it anymore.

I worry every moment, every day, every minute.

If this is it. I quit. I don’t want to be in it.

I don’t want to live anymore.

Today 25 years ago my water broke

25 years ago today I was walking up the stairs at Harlen's grandpa's house and my water broke. We had been taking care of him, but that was just another disaster in my life. He called and told people I locked him in his room and didn't feed him. That wasn't true, but probably this day I would do just that. I hate people.

So tomorrow is that bright idea I had about a huge party for my dead son. WTF was I thinking? I am completely miserable. Have I mentioned I hate people.

Lea made the varsity volleyball team. Which is beyond awesome, but... I know there is always a but. She has a game tomorrow night against Vale, Nyssa's rival, ( I think team, school rivals are asinine, but I will play nice) She was a JV player, but then she is the star setter and she will miss Loughlin's party. So will Giles miss it just in case there is the slightest of chance that they can make it for the last moments of a celebration of a 10 year dead son. Then there is Maya that is so excited for her sister, but yet has to be so jealous that she never had the chance to play. Because of me, because 10 years ago I hit a parked farm truck and ruined the lives of everyone around me. But Maya is smiling and cheering and so excited for the sister she loves. I sometimes tell her she is a lot of like me. What a complete farce. She is nothing like me. She loves. She forgives. She shows this stalwart personality like she can't be hurt, even when she is so hurt. She is amazing in so many ways. She is tired of her mom. She is pretty close to hating me. I think this is the moment other parents talk about, when they can't wait to get them to become adults. I have never felt this way. the mom daughter relationship is so different. My first relationship with my daughter only lasted 2 weeks. I am clearly not good at this. I  no nothing about what a real girl/ young women wants because I really never lived that life.

She leaves for school on Thursday. Another child leaving the nest. Another step closer to the moment I am no longer needed on this earth. I should be happy I guess. I am . I am proud of her and her drive. There will no longer be any noise in my house during the day again. I am not ready for that. I am not ready to act cheerful as people celebrate the fact Loughlin will never be 25. He won't be because I KILLED him.

Rhiannon is dead
Loughlin is dead
Cyrus doesn't even like to be in the same room as me.
True is my protector, but he need not be. He needs to worry about his life.
Maya pretty much could do without me.
Giles doesn't even know I exist.
Lea, well Lea is just consumed with her perfectness.

Only a decade a go it seemed almost good. WTH happened??????????

My Punishment

MY PUNISHMENT

Last night I had the most vivid dream.

A nightmare full of terror it seemed.

My hands, and my feet were tied to a post.

Above me floated my dead son’s ghost.

The fire burned high and hot all around.

The crackling of the embers was heard, the only sound.

Guilty of killing my oldest son.

It’s the last thing I would have ever done

The whole town cheered at the sight of my demise.

If only they could have seen that day through my eyes.

Their judgement might be different than guilty and death.

The pain is excruciating. I barely catch a breath.

I feel my skin sizzle in the blistering flames.

I am she, whom the whole world blames.

As the heat engulfs me I devour this punishment.

My soul senses a complete replenishment.

After years of agony my spirit finally embraces the release.

Life exiled, head slumped, I am finally at peace.

Venting........Puking.........

Do you know me? I’m the woman that killed her son.

It was an accident you say but resolution I feel none.

People spend a life locked away for stealing such a spirit.

You say it’s different this time, but I don’t want to hear it.

My hands shake because of the guilt.

So many hours I have knelt.

An empty soul is all I’ve built.

An offsuit I’ve been dealt.

All the darkness I have felt.

A decade of sorrow left a welt.

I can’t perform the easiest task.

I leave the house in Eleanor’s mask.

I drink the poison from his flask,

But it was never enough to ease this madness.

Never enough to end this sadness.

Look again I am but a shell.

I dwell on earth in a living hell

When will I hear the toll of the bell?

How long could one feel this way?

I visited your marker just yesterday.

The shame made me retch.

As I read the scripture that was etched.

“If you have done it unto the least of these……”

God remove it please.

I killed him, and he is gone forever.

This family will now never be together.

48 years old

I am 48. I feel twice my age. Not so much physically as mental, emotional. I feel like I have lived an entire life. I am so tired. Losing Cyrus, not to death, but to me. The hole in my soul just keeps getting larger. The cold air blows through it. The heart is frozen.

I think my family would be better without me. My body should be cremated and scattered across the ocean. I will forever be at peace with the sounds of the waves, the trees and rocks, the blue water surrounds me.

Maya is a senior. She is getting totally ripped off because her mom is fucking insane. I took her pictures last week but I can't even get the energy to edit them and send them off to the printers. I have bills and taxes to get done but my mind is worthless. My hubby wishes he was married to a better version of me. He wouldn't leave me, but he lets me know how disappointed he is in my abilities in this life, There are so many women who are amazing. I am a joke.

Look what is down our hill............

Do you see the truck at the end of the lane? Sure it is further than that horrible morning, but it is there, and the corn is being harvested in the field. This is triggering me to the point my head is foggy. No it isn't ok to park it there. You would think you would know that.

Trying

Trying

I feel like dying.

So tired of trying.

Wake-up Blue.

Aching all through

My distorted form.

Wishing I was never born.

I’m weary every moment

Time is my opponent.

Every day is a marathon.

I am far from a paragon

Is there an easier way?

Do I have to stay?

In a place with so much pain.

When there is nothing to gain.

Peace seems out of my reach.

Grief is my personal leach.

My Abyss

A few days ago our family headed up to the lake that is less than 40 minutes from our house. It has been a while since I have made the trip. The lake has been low, the boat doesn't ever seem to want to run when I am there, but the biggest reason I don't go is the road up there,

 



It is in my words treacherous. Harlen says I am over-exaggerating. I would say that I am being awful kind. The road at times is an easy 300 ft dropoff with no guards. It is slim, and there are always boats coming back down as you go up. It even brags of a one way tunnel that you cannot see the other end. I do not look out my window. I cannot. I breathe in and I really do not remember exhaling until we are at the top. We made it though.


It was everyone, everyone in the family was in the boat. Cyrus and McKayla received a big floatee for a wedding gift from True.  We put it by the rock side and Harlen took th boat for people to ski and knee board.

 

I was in the boat with Harlen. I had this overwhelming desire to swim to the float. It was about 3/4 of a mile. I haven't swam in years. I am 47 yrs old. Harlen informed me I was no spring chickee, but I just wanted to be alone in the water. I dove in without a life jacket. I started to swim freestyle. I swam hard for a while. It felt so good. About half way to the side I just stopped. I laid on my back and closed my eyes and just floated. I couldn't hear anything. I couldn't see anything. It was my own private abyss. I loved it. I could have stayed forever. It was so peaceful. It was the first solace I had felt in 8 years. I had peace in my soul. I want to go again. I want to feel nothing. The road was worth the tranquility.

This is a beautiful Place.

They Have it Worse

They Have it Worse

You think you got it bad there is someone who always has it worse.

They took your pride but they left your purse.

Is that supposed to make me feel better?

I could sit down and detail it in a letter.

You have no idea what I’ve been through.

Your eyes would cry a tear if you knew,

Or maybe you would talk the same way.

Judge me, then invite me to pray.

You think you know what it is like to walk in my shoes,

Do you know what it’s like to feel so blue?

To sit and wonder what your child would have been?

To question every moment, if not then?

Then times that by two and add abuse and a rape.

Are you astonished? Is that a gape?

Some have it worse, but some have it milder.

Some like it nice and some like it wilder.

Some think I’m a bitch, and some think I am kind.

I invite you to come inside my shady mind.

Then you’ll see the darkest, deepest corners,

Where they scream and claw at this greatest mourner.

I see my baby in my dreams.

She is perfect, life is what it seems.

But that dream fades and in comes the fear.

The reapers are all around. Their breath is near.

They take her away and leave me pleading.

She is fresh and I am still bleeding.

Then tease me with a greater life.

Hit me once, now hit me twice.

He was the flawless son.

His potential had just begun...

The harvester couldn’t take this one in the dark.

This time the jaws were as mean as a shark.

He left a scar that no one could hide.

He pilfered what was left inside.

The grim he took the future and left me blind.

Now who has it worst? Who can you find?

You know nothing about them, just as you know nothing about me.

Open your eyes and get off your worn knees.

God never made you judge over anyone.

You say he sent his Only Begotten Son?

That is for your mind not for mine.

Being on your knees weakens the spine.

So, tell me again how Some have it worse.

Because my life feels like it has been cursed.

I am not looking for your pity.

Asking you to get down and gritty.

I am not asking for anything at all.

You’re the reason I built a large wall.

To keep the Pharisees out and let no one else in.

Your words will not penetrate the skin.

Leave me alone and take your own course.

Empathy is one thing no one can force.

You can choose to be happy

As you know reading this blog I have chose not to have religion or god in my life. The pain and guilt attached to the two is more that I can handle. I choose not to believe in a God that closes his eyes and ignores the suffering of his creations on Earth. I am constantly looking for something that will ease this pain and longing of losing two children.

Today is the day Rhiannon died. 29 years ago she left me. She was laying next to me in bed. I woke up to find her cold and blue with blood coming from her nose. The images never leave my mind. So the day after Memorial day I am grieving like it was yesterday, but I have been grieving for what seems an eternity. One of Maya's friends is pregnant. She brings back so many memories for me. She sang in her last choir concert. She graduated. She stands proud. I want to put my arms around her and tell her to take everyday as a gift, to love that little girl, to take picture after picture. Not to be like me and take life for granted, to not take pictures, and to hold her every minute of every day.

The person who should be my biggest supporter has grown tired of my sadness and depression. He yelled at me and told me it has been long enough. He said 9 years is time enough to get over the death of my son. I said that I still haven't done it in 29 years. I cannot choose to be happy. There are days I am happy. I am coaching Lea's softball team again this year. I love it. I am happy some of the time, but some times I am paralyzed with the panic, anxiety and sadness. Some days I have a hard time getting out of bed. It makes me feel worthless. It makes me feel like I will never be normal again. Do you think I choose to be debilitated? He has diabetes. I told him he should choose not to have diabetes. I don't see a difference. I do not choose to have PTSD. I do not choose to be paralyzed when sirens go off. I do not choose to have uncontrolled shaking when a cop is behind me. I do not choose to have tremors so bad I can't write the roster for my softball team. I do not choose any of them. I do not chose to be miserable, but some days I am.

I did not choose to be sexually abused.

 I did not choose to lose my virginity to a 30 year old man who raped me when I was passed out drunk at 16.

 I did not choose to lose my baby girl when I was alone at the age of 18 and I did not choose to drive into a parked farm truck killing my handsome son, injuring 3 of my other children. I did not choose it. I am doing the best I can. 

Please don't place more guilt on me. Please don't knock me down further. Don't hold my head deeper under the water. I am losing consciousness. I am drowning. It doesn't matter the amount of time that passes, 9 years, 29 years, 31 years, or 38 years. I am doing the best I can. It may not be what you think is the best I can, but I am trying everyday I get out of bed. Everyday I love my babies. Everyday I do what I can to help them in their lives. If they call I am there for them. I am happy for Cyrus and his upcoming nuptials. I have the invitations done.

So there it is. Whatever you hear in church or on your radio Christian shows it is not true. I am not able to CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY.  These people , these church leaders and speakers think they know. I hope one day that diseases of the mind will be treated with the same attitude as diseases of the any other part of the body. PTSD cannot be prayed away. It cannot be wished away. There is no magic  cure, no blessing that will miraculously fix it. It is a difficult and excruciating process to be able to function in this world. I take my medicine. I see my counselor. I am trying.

I just wish the world could understand. I wish my loved ones could too. But just like CHOOSING to be happy it isn't that easy. If only I could choose I would.

"If you have done it unto the least of these my brethren, you have done it unto me."

Matthew 25:40 is on Loughlin's headstone...........

I know I am not religious, but I do try to find influence to better my life. I feel the need to help the most downtrodden. Everyone calls me crazy. My son's friend is homeless and in trouble. He needs help. Who am I not to offer my home, my family, my food, my love? I am just a peasant, whom without the help of others would have perished long ago. I have a loving family. I had a grandma who took me in when I was lost, never to be found. She loved me and taught me that there should be no judgement, only love. 

I am not in a great place right now myself, but lending a hand to someone else makes me feel good, makes me realize that there is pain all around us. It makes me understand that all we have to do is open our eyes a little bit and the opportunities to help, save, love is everywhere. 

I go in for LAPAROSCOPIC NISSEN FUNDOPLICATION on December 15th. I will be sore for sometime. I will be on a liquid diet for 2 weeks. It will be a miserable Christmas for me. I am trying to get on top of things before that time. I usually start Christmas cards, shopping, decorating at about the 15th so I am struggling. I am so far behind that I have not done True's thank you cards from graduation, or the kids' steer thank you cards from September. So I am working on all three at the same time. The shopping will be done online. The presents will be wrapped by my beautiful daughters. I hope to have the Christmas tree up on Sunday. 

I just don't believe anymore

I don't believe anymore in a God or a Jesus Christ, Muhammad, Hindu Gods, Wicca, Buddha, or anything to do with religion. I would like to. It would make life easier, but I am a realist. I might believe in a higher power that created this earth, but to believe he cares is absurd.

I have heard so many platitudes from my believing friends to try to bring me back to the fold. "God loves you the most, that is why he gives you so any trials. Loughlin and Rhiannon are in a better place", A better place? If it is so great, come over here and I will help you get there. smh "They will meet  you on the other side" oh that is helpful. "Loughlin & Rhiannon do not have to live through all of these trials in this mortal life. They are lucky." So Harlen , me and the rest of the kids are not chosen ones?  We are left here on this Earth to what? Get stronger? Be tested?

I have decided to take the so called "easier road" (quote from a lady in church) and believe that shit happens and some of us are so much more unlucky than others, but it isn't because of some kind of presence and the result of my actions. I don't believe it for a minute. The good and the bad are equally damned.

I am a good person. I haven't always made right choices but I try to most days. I help people in need when I can. My empathy button doesn't work like it use to, but who could blame me.