Migraines

I know I have talked about my migraines in the past, but I am having a bad one today, yesterday, the day before and most debilitating tonight. It is 1:30 am. this is way past my bedtime. I can't afford to have one right now. I am Harlen's caretaker. What if they think I cannot do this. He has to have a caregiver 24/7 after the transplant. Am I up for this task? I miss home. I miss the kids and my grandson. I miss my life before cancer. I almost have forgotten what that life was like then. Then I feel guilty for feeling crappy when Harlen is in the fight of his life. What kind of wife am I? You have to step up I keep telling myself. This is his. I can't keep raining on his torrential downpour. I watch him sleep and imagine what a horrible life it would be without him. He is sick. Sometimes he is really sick, but he is sick all of the time. Cancer sucks! Funny how people only think of cancer when it affects their circle. "You know that guy down the road with all those kids? He has cancer." or "She is only 35. How come she is dealing with this?" or even "Did you hear about Joe? He died last night with his family all around." How long do you think of these people fighting this horrible disease? How many times in a day do you wonder if they are going to make it? It never leaves my mind. Just like Rhiannon and Loughlin never leave my mind. Maybe the migraine is caused from lack of space in my brain.

 I am rambling tonight I know, but I am 6 hrs away from the only Dr. I trust and I am miserable.
I went to do a batch of laundry. Crazy I know, but I can't sleep and I can't watch Harlen sleep anymore. Too many thoughts are in my mind and I don't like any of them.

That's not me anymore

That’s not me anymore

I used to wake each day looking forward to a new endeavor.

I used to crack a joke. I was quick. I was clever.

That’s not me anymore.

I used to enjoy a huge crowd, eyes on me as I took the stage.

I read every book I could find and hung on every page.

That’s not me anymore.

I loved to cook all kinds of cuisine.

My house was never perfect, but it was clean.

But that’s not me anymore.

I loved the farm, the bulls, the cows and the lil calves.

Always content, never worried about the didn’t haves.

I’ll never be like that anymore.

I loved to watch my kids in everything they did.

Every song, every hit, every set, even when they slid.

It’s just not me anymore.

I loved my husband with every ounce of my soul.

We went everywhere together. Eternity was my goal.

That’s just not me anymore.

I can’t say I was always smiling, but the joy shined through.

Days I was down there was only just a few.

But I’m not like that anymore.

Back then I believed there was a God that cared about my life.

I believed in forever families and wanted to be a forever wife.

But I don’t believe like that anymore.

I spend days now wondering why I am even here.

All my mistakes and flaws are showing crystal clear.

Cuz that’s not my life anymore.

Getting out of bed each day shouldn’t be a struggle.

And at night I want to be alone. Never want to cuddle.

Happiness eludes me. I don’t feel it anymore.

I worry every moment, every day, every minute.

If this is it. I quit. I don’t want to be in it.

I don’t want to live anymore.

Happy 25th Birthday Loughlin.

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=1871888009527170&id=128211143894874

Video of Loughlin's 15 years with us. I can't even start to describe the heartache. Miss him everyday, hour, minute, second.
Always an empty chair.

Today 25 years ago my water broke

25 years ago today I was walking up the stairs at Harlen's grandpa's house and my water broke. We had been taking care of him, but that was just another disaster in my life. He called and told people I locked him in his room and didn't feed him. That wasn't true, but probably this day I would do just that. I hate people.

So tomorrow is that bright idea I had about a huge party for my dead son. WTF was I thinking? I am completely miserable. Have I mentioned I hate people.

Lea made the varsity volleyball team. Which is beyond awesome, but... I know there is always a but. She has a game tomorrow night against Vale, Nyssa's rival, ( I think team, school rivals are asinine, but I will play nice) She was a JV player, but then she is the star setter and she will miss Loughlin's party. So will Giles miss it just in case there is the slightest of chance that they can make it for the last moments of a celebration of a 10 year dead son. Then there is Maya that is so excited for her sister, but yet has to be so jealous that she never had the chance to play. Because of me, because 10 years ago I hit a parked farm truck and ruined the lives of everyone around me. But Maya is smiling and cheering and so excited for the sister she loves. I sometimes tell her she is a lot of like me. What a complete farce. She is nothing like me. She loves. She forgives. She shows this stalwart personality like she can't be hurt, even when she is so hurt. She is amazing in so many ways. She is tired of her mom. She is pretty close to hating me. I think this is the moment other parents talk about, when they can't wait to get them to become adults. I have never felt this way. the mom daughter relationship is so different. My first relationship with my daughter only lasted 2 weeks. I am clearly not good at this. I  no nothing about what a real girl/ young women wants because I really never lived that life.

She leaves for school on Thursday. Another child leaving the nest. Another step closer to the moment I am no longer needed on this earth. I should be happy I guess. I am . I am proud of her and her drive. There will no longer be any noise in my house during the day again. I am not ready for that. I am not ready to act cheerful as people celebrate the fact Loughlin will never be 25. He won't be because I KILLED him.

Rhiannon is dead
Loughlin is dead
Cyrus doesn't even like to be in the same room as me.
True is my protector, but he need not be. He needs to worry about his life.
Maya pretty much could do without me.
Giles doesn't even know I exist.
Lea, well Lea is just consumed with her perfectness.

Only a decade a go it seemed almost good. WTH happened??????????

Happy Birthday to my beautiful talented amazing baby birl

My baby is 14 and going to high school. She is so beautiful inside and out and talented. I love her to death. 

It's been so long. Is it really worth the effort?

How long has it been since I poured my heart out on this computer? Long I questioned whether I should keep it up. My life seemed to suck in the present about as much as everyone around me then something wonderful happened. Life altering wonderful, and then something even more wonderful happened, then we made it to three. I don't know how long it has been since 3 things that were positive happened in my life, our lives. Maya graduated from high school with honors which is huge. She took Math 112 college credit and still graduated with honors. I am so proud of her knowing the struggles she has. But they are not struggles to her.

 #2 Softball season ended and our team won the championship. Maya coaching, Giles helping, Me coaching and most importantly Lea playing with 9 of her friends. We beat everyone bad  Lea pitched great. All the girls hit so good. Errors weren't found. We played an almost perfect game in the series. Those girls are World Champions.


#3 The best news is Cyrus and McKayla came and told us they were pregnant and we were going to take on new names Papa and Gramma. Wow a new life, a new spirit in our family. Everyday that I was down in this happy period I would think about that new baby and nothing bad mattered. My back was out. I got 3 bouts of thrush, but that was nothing because I was going to be a nana or a grandma.


 



But wait, I know what you are thinking, well maybe you are more positive than me because I am not , but I would  be thinking at this point this post is just too happy.This is way too much good news, Well I would be right, Sunday McKayla started spotting., and of course the good times ceased to roll. She lost the baby. 12 weeks along .And there it was. Now I am sitting doing books and I am only thinking about that baby and what could have been, for Cyrus, McKayla, and the rest of the family and I cry, because I hate loss, because I believe we have had far more than our fair share of shitty luck. So I feel like a prisoner in my own life with a small window in my cell teasing me with a hot meal and all my loved ones around me. Then I cry some more and I feel sorry for myself because I can, because I don't know anything else..that is all I know.



For my sanity My friend made me a weighted blanket just in time for all the stress and anxiety.  Thanks Tami I love it and it really is incredible.
I am finally sleeping.

Mind conquers all

Rough week in my body. I felt dizzy for the week, even to the point I passed out 3 times. Finally I relented and went to the Dr. again, blood work, bp, blood ox, blood sugar. Everything turned out normal. Next an EKG at St. Lukes, normal, but the technician doesn't want to release me because of being faint, pale, lethargic. So they send me to the ER for more tests, the Dr. is a joke. He doesn't even listen to the time length that my symptoms had been happening. Reads passed out three separate times on my chart and takes more blood, sends me home with yet another prescription. Masks the symptoms but the underlying problem still exists. I have no energy. I a.m dizzy. I am tired, and even more so now with this new med. I want to be healthy again before I die.

I have so much to live for. I have softball starting up again. Giles playing baseball. Lea playing tennis. Maya helping me coach and May 27th she graduates from high school. Cyrus is working back on the farm and living close with his beautiful wife. True is here too with his cute girlfriend we all love. Harlen and I get closer everyday. Life could be so good, if my head was straight and my body was strong.

Happy Birthday Baby Boy

I can't believe Giles is 16. What a great kid. He has some flaws, grades being one but he is so much fun and everyone loves him.  I love him. I hope he has a great year. Driving, dating  and just having fun.

Never enough

You would think i would be happy this morning, but I am not. Easter dinner went off without a hitch. We even hunted for eggs, yes everyone.  I am sure the bribery with the money helped. My son hates me still.  Now I have neighbors wondering what this demon could have done to her son to have him turn on me. Always me..... what a curse. I hate Easter anyway.  The life after death promise is too unbelievable to even be a hope.
Fuck this life.
Which disease would pay penance for the hell I have created? Leprosy needs to make a comeback.

Down and out

1,2 shell
Ring the bell
Living hell
Clearance sale
On my life
Shitty wife
Trials rife
Sharp knife
Neck or wrist
Get the gist?
Moments missed
Feeling pissed
Nauseated
Ankles weighted
Looking dated.
Always hated.
Life's a clash.
An irritating rash.
beneath teeth gnash
Left recycled trash.
People try to save
Not realizing what I gave
2 in the grave.
Now 1 to his mind a slave.
Giving up is painless
No one's getting famous
Keeping up is brainless
No god I am faithless.

Death is so hard

Harlen's mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer on January 21st, 2017. They gave her 3 months to live. She flew home to Boise from Arizona (snowbirds) . She was weak but she could walk to the pick-up and then walk into the house when we got her and Fred home. 2 days later she couldn't walk to the bathroom. Her dementia and sundowners was getting a lot worse. It was hard to watch a women with so much life fail so quickly. She took such great care of herself. She always ate right and exercised daily. I thought she would live to be a hundred. She is going to be missed so much.

My mother was my stone.

One of the few I called my own.

She was understanding and kind.

Loved me heart, soul and mind.

She never left me yearning.

Every moment I was learning,

How to live my life with bliss,

Never ever wanting to miss,

A single moment with the ones I love.

Still sending blessings from above.

She will be forever in my heart,

Closer and yet now apart.

I love you Mom.

Another Year Older..........

I turned 47 today. 47. Wow I think the last time I was coherent of a birthday I was 37. Then the world turned upside down and everything changed. I have a great family and great friends that treat me incredible. Harlen got me a Amazon Alexa for my present. I am so excited to try it out but I have too many devises registered to my account and it is taking forever to de-register them. It is going to be my companion when I am home alone. I can ask her anything. I might become wise again. I might play music all day long. I might listen to audio books. The prospects are endless

Christmas was a little strange this year. It was the first time all of the kids weren't home in the morning. Cyrus was at his girlfriends the night before with her family. Christmas Eve is big for them. He slept the night because of bad roads. True is living about a 1/2 mile from our house. We waited until 9 am to open presents, until everyone got home. We had our traditional Pigs 'n a blanket for a late breakfast. Then everyone split, We also have an extra at our house, Cyrus' friend from high school who is trying to get clean. He is a very nice kid and I feel lucky to help him. Cyrus got a PS4 VR. We had a great time playing it as a family. It is so real, I almost peed my pants when some freaky girls jumped out in front of me. I screamed and everyone laughed. I would encourage the purchase of this VR it is 360 degrees.

My surgery went well. I thought I would have a faster recovery than I am having though. I didn't understand my Doc. At my follow up he told me it was a 4-6 week recovery. I still have quite a lot of pain under my left rib. When I sneeze or cough I am in agony. I guess that is normal. I can only sleep on my right side. But gigantic is that I have no Acid Reflux anymore. I can't eat normally yet but it is coming.

On the 27th of December Harlen and I celebrated our 25th Anniversary. Can you believe we have made it this long? We have been to Purgatory and somehow we have made it back. It is still stressful at times and we disagree on so much, but we are willing to do whatever we have to to make this marriage work.

"If you have done it unto the least of these my brethren, you have done it unto me."

Matthew 25:40 is on Loughlin's headstone...........

I know I am not religious, but I do try to find influence to better my life. I feel the need to help the most downtrodden. Everyone calls me crazy. My son's friend is homeless and in trouble. He needs help. Who am I not to offer my home, my family, my food, my love? I am just a peasant, whom without the help of others would have perished long ago. I have a loving family. I had a grandma who took me in when I was lost, never to be found. She loved me and taught me that there should be no judgement, only love. 

I am not in a great place right now myself, but lending a hand to someone else makes me feel good, makes me realize that there is pain all around us. It makes me understand that all we have to do is open our eyes a little bit and the opportunities to help, save, love is everywhere. 

I go in for LAPAROSCOPIC NISSEN FUNDOPLICATION on December 15th. I will be sore for sometime. I will be on a liquid diet for 2 weeks. It will be a miserable Christmas for me. I am trying to get on top of things before that time. I usually start Christmas cards, shopping, decorating at about the 15th so I am struggling. I am so far behind that I have not done True's thank you cards from graduation, or the kids' steer thank you cards from September. So I am working on all three at the same time. The shopping will be done online. The presents will be wrapped by my beautiful daughters. I hope to have the Christmas tree up on Sunday. 

Thanksgiving and things I am thankful for......

We went to the Oregon Coast for our Thanksgiving this year. There are so many memories I love from the coast when our family was almost whole. We love it there.

The ocean is hypnotic.













The waves in the winter are so incredible, so beautiful, so mesmerizing. It really is my favorite place on Earth. I feel so close to Loughlin there.




We had a few extras, True's friend, Kevin, Cyrus' girlfriend McKayla and Cyrus' friend Nate. It was so much fun.

The sound of the waves crashing on the shore is so relaxing for me.

The new rental house is fun and we even had friends of Harlen and I show up for dinner Friday night where I cooked my famous clam chowder and tried my first Ciopinno. We played board games and belly laughed for hours.





It was a great weekend, but of course the emptiness returns. I miss my son so much. Coming home is just a huge reminder of how it should be, how it could be if I would have just seen that truck.

So my Thanksgiving doesn't last long because the blues and the sadness always seem to creep in and ruin all of the fun.

I miss you Loughlin, You loved the ocean and fishing and kite flying and the fun houses and the Oregon Aquarium and pretty much everything that has to do with the Coast. I miss you Rhiannon because you never even got the chance to love this place, to share it with us.

8 years , I guess is the amount of time until everyone thinks you should be fine.

October 27th, 2016 was 8 years since Loughlin died. For me, it will always be one of those days, but I guess for the rest of the world he has been put on the back burner. The phone calls were 0. Even Harlen wanted to treat it as just another day in paradise. I tried to remind people with a post on Loughlin's page on Facebook, but it felt shallow and like I was trying too hard.

Did you know me before I lost Loughlin? I am nothing like I was, or maybe I am exactly like I was before. I don't remember what I was like. If I was a better person to some, I was a worse person to others. It is relative.

You might have forgot my son, but I haven't. You see part of my heart will be forever dead, black, empty. My soul is crying out, yet no one is listening. I have sang my song of misery for too long. I have used all of the empathy allowed in this world. I should sink into the darkness of the water where you do not have to acknowledge my pain anymore, but that wouldn't be me. Why do you feel you don't have to be a little uncomfortable around me twice a year when I am in agony every single day? You run. You hide. You ignore, but I am like that smell you can't get out of your freezer. I will always be here to remind you.

Today is Halloween. It used to be our family's favorite. We used to dress up together. It used to be so much fun, but now all I remember is the wreck and being in a hospital and someone taking my kids trick-or-treating for me. WOW 8 years might be enough for everyone else but it isn't even close for me.

A Belly Laugh is so Therapeutic / Homecoming Dance / Last JV Game

I have had a couple of really good days. I spent time with my kids getting ready for Homecoming. We laughed and we laughed. I laughed so hard my stomach hurt. I can't believe how much better I felt. A belly laugh is better than any drug.

Lea went to her 1st Cotillion, She was beautiful. She was nervous and silly. She had so much fun. She cannot wait for the next one.

Giles went to Homecoming for his 1st time, 1st dance in high school. He had a good time but he is way too cool to  tell me how much fun he had. His date Brenda is beautiful and sweet. They are cute together.

Maya is a Jr. and she lives for this kind of stuff. She plans what they are going to do for weeks. She buys a dress, shoes, jewelry. She looked gorgeous. Her smile is intoxicating. She has so much fun in life.






Giles also played his last JV game of the season. He got a lot more play time and he had fun. (I hope not enough fun he wants to do it again) but he had a good time.

All in all last week was by far a better week. It was hand over fist, good over sad. I love my kids. I am glad that most of them are enjoying their lives now. It takes some of the guilt out of my heart.