It's been so long. Is it really worth the effort?

How long has it been since I poured my heart out on this computer? Long I questioned whether I should keep it up. My life seemed to suck in the present about as much as everyone around me then something wonderful happened. Life altering wonderful, and then something even more wonderful happened, then we made it to three. I don't know how long it has been since 3 things that were positive happened in my life, our lives. Maya graduated from high school with honors which is huge. She took Math 112 college credit and still graduated with honors. I am so proud of her knowing the struggles she has. But they are not struggles to her.

 #2 Softball season ended and our team won the championship. Maya coaching, Giles helping, Me coaching and most importantly Lea playing with 9 of her friends. We beat everyone bad  Lea pitched great. All the girls hit so good. Errors weren't found. We played an almost perfect game in the series. Those girls are World Champions.


#3 The best news is Cyrus and McKayla came and told us they were pregnant and we were going to take on new names Papa and Gramma. Wow a new life, a new spirit in our family. Everyday that I was down in this happy period I would think about that new baby and nothing bad mattered. My back was out. I got 3 bouts of thrush, but that was nothing because I was going to be a nana or a grandma.


 



But wait, I know what you are thinking, well maybe you are more positive than me because I am not , but I would  be thinking at this point this post is just too happy.This is way too much good news, Well I would be right, Sunday McKayla started spotting., and of course the good times ceased to roll. She lost the baby. 12 weeks along .And there it was. Now I am sitting doing books and I am only thinking about that baby and what could have been, for Cyrus, McKayla, and the rest of the family and I cry, because I hate loss, because I believe we have had far more than our fair share of shitty luck. So I feel like a prisoner in my own life with a small window in my cell teasing me with a hot meal and all my loved ones around me. Then I cry some more and I feel sorry for myself because I can, because I don't know anything else..that is all I know.



For my sanity My friend made me a weighted blanket just in time for all the stress and anxiety.  Thanks Tami I love it and it really is incredible.
I am finally sleeping.