God only asked Noah for 40 days and 40 nights

Today is day 34 in the hospital. I am exhausted. I just wrapped Harlen's PICC line so he could shower. I am not a nurse. I have never wanted to be a nurse. I never cared to know what a PICC line is or what it does. He has a port too. It's in the right side of his chest. It is for blood or platelets or poison or whatever the hell they want to put in him. We were so excited for a clean bone marrow biopsy, but now his numbers won't come up and the Dr. today gave us little hope on what they could do next. Did I mention I am tired?

On top of it all we are trying from 70 miles away to compose the bull sale catalog. It is virtually impossible. My mind is so cloudy from stress and anxiety that I am having a hard time remembering numbers from one source to get to the other source. It is a long process on a normal year and takes most of my energy. I am sucking at it.

Harlen is down. He is talking like he is planning for an end result that I cannot put my head around. I can't think through this. I can't imagine a life without him in it, but if his numbers don't come up there isn't much more they can do for him. UGH The words came out of my mouth. My God it is your turn to step in. I know you aren't accustom to being told what to do, but I am tired of asking. I am tired of pleading. I need the father of my children in my life, in their life. I need a happy ending. I need what is left in my family to stay in this family.Was cancer your idea? Because I have to tell you if it was it blows.

There is hope and then it is crushed, then there is hope, but it is squashed, then there is real hope, but it was just pretend, then there really is hope, but it never was hope. It was just words, and words are empty and hollow and ugly.

I still have hope the Dr.'s are wrong because seriously when have they been right?

I believe I would rather have 2 of every species living amongst me.

Why not me?

I just have a simple question. Why not me? Harlen is so loved by so many. He does such an awesome job at being positive. He is a supreme provider for our family. The kids love him. Did I mention that everyone who knows him loves him. Mark Twain said " No one is a failure that has friends"

I am the opposite, and I am sure that people are whispering the question across the sphere. Why not her? She has made so many awful choices and mistakes in life. You're right it should be me. It should have always been me.11 years ago it should have been me. Hell 31 years ago it should have been me.Why can't it be me?

A reprieve

I hear stories of Alzheimer's patience who come back for a while. People who get 2-3 weeks of clearness, but then fall back into the unknown. I am afraid this is me. This is me because I lost my meds and because of the rough weeks I had before I asked for early refills. Now I am considered an addict. Me who only asked for 15 Valiums for the month because I didn't want to become addicted, but because of some crazy ass man in blue called me a killer, said I killed my son, I lost my mind for a while. Now my reprieve is gone and the depression is back. My husband treated like a queen for 3 weeks because he had his wife back, but now he will hate to be in the same room as me again. I am a downer. I am sad. I am suicidal. I hate my life.

I lost my Meds

I am having a rough day. I can't find my diazepam anywhere and I need it. I am panicked. I am having my 1st panic attack since changing meds. I need some help. I hope this is just a lil set back. 2 steps forward and 1 step back. Pray for me tonight.

The Creeping Darkness

There are so many things that have changed for me in the last two weeks. The biggest of which is I am happier. I actually am cleaning up my house, but that is going to take a while. I am so out of shape. Wallowing in self pity can certainly take it out of someone when it takes 10 years to snap out of it. I am tired though. I can feel the darkness creeping in and I hate it.

Volleyball season has ended for Lea, but she started pitching lessons last night. She will be starting pretty much from scratch. She wants to learn new and faster pitches so she is going to have to change almost all of her pitching technique. It is going to be a long process, but if anyone can do it, it is her.

Maya has decided to come back to TVCC for the Winter term. She is after all a mommy's girl. It will save her so much money and I really love her around.

Cyrus got all his paper work in and should be starting to substitute teaching soon. Maybe then he will know that is what he wants to do before starting the Masters program.

True and Katlyn spent 10 days on a elk hunt and saw nothing, so they froze their ass off for nothing. I am sure True still found fun in it.

Giles needs to improve his grades. He only cares about fast cars and cute girls. I hope he starts pitching soon.

Harlen has the corn and cow work left for this year. He is exhausted and we are talking about phasing us out of the farm. None of our kids want to take it over. He is too tired to do it all.

Please God keep these meds working. I love the new , old me.

Tomorrow is the 27th of October again

Ok tomorrow is the big bad day again. 10 years can you believe it? I can't. I have to say I can feel the sadness creeping in, but creeping is so much better than ramrodding. I should be sad. I should have triggers. Harlen is combining the same field with the same truck as the day of the accident, but I am ok with that. I have decided to stay home until he is finished. Why not? Why put yourself in that place? I miss Loughlin everyday. Everything around me reminds me what a great kid he was. He is gone and his chair at the table will never be filled, but that is just how it is. I can't fight the system anymore. I can't fight death himself. All I can do is try my hardest to raise the children that are here on this Earth. Try my best, and love my hubby everyday, even when he is a grump from the long hours of harvest. Tomorrow is that day but I miss Loughlin everyday, what is the difference?

I had a bad day.

OMG Sometimes it feels like the accident was yesterday.  The farm trucks, harvest, the colors, the briskness in the air, football, Homecoming, election forthcoming. I have to convince myself that it has been 10 years since Loughlin died. The pain is so fresh, so raw. The mind is so foggy, confused. The soul so tattered, hopeless. The realization is back. The capability of keeping one foot in the past and one in the present is becoming impossible
 Why?  How? My heart is shredded. There is no peace for me today, but tomorrow will be better.  It has to be.

Today 25 years ago my water broke

25 years ago today I was walking up the stairs at Harlen's grandpa's house and my water broke. We had been taking care of him, but that was just another disaster in my life. He called and told people I locked him in his room and didn't feed him. That wasn't true, but probably this day I would do just that. I hate people.

So tomorrow is that bright idea I had about a huge party for my dead son. WTF was I thinking? I am completely miserable. Have I mentioned I hate people.

Lea made the varsity volleyball team. Which is beyond awesome, but... I know there is always a but. She has a game tomorrow night against Vale, Nyssa's rival, ( I think team, school rivals are asinine, but I will play nice) She was a JV player, but then she is the star setter and she will miss Loughlin's party. So will Giles miss it just in case there is the slightest of chance that they can make it for the last moments of a celebration of a 10 year dead son. Then there is Maya that is so excited for her sister, but yet has to be so jealous that she never had the chance to play. Because of me, because 10 years ago I hit a parked farm truck and ruined the lives of everyone around me. But Maya is smiling and cheering and so excited for the sister she loves. I sometimes tell her she is a lot of like me. What a complete farce. She is nothing like me. She loves. She forgives. She shows this stalwart personality like she can't be hurt, even when she is so hurt. She is amazing in so many ways. She is tired of her mom. She is pretty close to hating me. I think this is the moment other parents talk about, when they can't wait to get them to become adults. I have never felt this way. the mom daughter relationship is so different. My first relationship with my daughter only lasted 2 weeks. I am clearly not good at this. I  no nothing about what a real girl/ young women wants because I really never lived that life.

She leaves for school on Thursday. Another child leaving the nest. Another step closer to the moment I am no longer needed on this earth. I should be happy I guess. I am . I am proud of her and her drive. There will no longer be any noise in my house during the day again. I am not ready for that. I am not ready to act cheerful as people celebrate the fact Loughlin will never be 25. He won't be because I KILLED him.

Rhiannon is dead
Loughlin is dead
Cyrus doesn't even like to be in the same room as me.
True is my protector, but he need not be. He needs to worry about his life.
Maya pretty much could do without me.
Giles doesn't even know I exist.
Lea, well Lea is just consumed with her perfectness.

Only a decade a go it seemed almost good. WTH happened??????????

Day 6 of my detoxification

I have made it 6 days while detoxifying from the poison passed off as a helpful drug. I have spent these days suffering from nausea, vomiting, dizziness, foggy mind, shaking, tired and really completely miserable, but i can see a light at the end of the tunnel. I want my personality back. And I was funny this morning. I used to could come up with a song for every situation. I did it again yesterday and not just once, but many times. I am not having racing thoughts. I am mostly tired. I am hoping for a better life after this toxin is out of my body, drinking a cup of coffee without spilling because of the shaking and jerking.   Hopeful once again. 💔😅

My Punishment

MY PUNISHMENT

Last night I had the most vivid dream.

A nightmare full of terror it seemed.

My hands, and my feet were tied to a post.

Above me floated my dead son’s ghost.

The fire burned high and hot all around.

The crackling of the embers was heard, the only sound.

Guilty of killing my oldest son.

It’s the last thing I would have ever done

The whole town cheered at the sight of my demise.

If only they could have seen that day through my eyes.

Their judgement might be different than guilty and death.

The pain is excruciating. I barely catch a breath.

I feel my skin sizzle in the blistering flames.

I am she, whom the whole world blames.

As the heat engulfs me I devour this punishment.

My soul senses a complete replenishment.

After years of agony my spirit finally embraces the release.

Life exiled, head slumped, I am finally at peace.

Blue Lives Matter......... Not really....... Not anymore than anyone else.... Not really at all

I know I should talk about Fair last week. I know I should put up cute pictures of Giles and Lea showing their steers and put on that fake smile I keep in a jar by the door, but I can't. I want to tell you a very different tale. A tale of chivalry and braveness. A tale of stalwartness and courage. This would be my son Giles.

On Friday night August 3rd, 2018, Giles was pulled over by the Nyssa police. They said he was called in by an anonymous source because they thought he was drinking. The problem is Giles does not drink and he had just left us at Fair 15 minutes previous to take his girlfriend home. We had been playing cards in the motor home. It was around 11:30 pm. This is a normal time to leave the Fair. The kids are required to stay all day, and to feed their animals before they went home. They would be back at 6-6:30 am. It is a long week and this was the 5th day. The source of the phone call cannot be released. (Info from the cops). He was put through the regular asinine sobriety tests. (Why didn't he just blow into a breathalyzer?) Anyways........ After he passed everything, the lead cop asked the rest of the 5 cops, yes 5 cops for a 16 yr old boy, guilty of nothing, to turn off their bodycams. (What that only happens on TV, or in major cities against black men!) Well guess what the struggle is real. Officer Armenta then proceeded to berate my son. He told him he was a shitty driver. (Giles has never even had a ticket.) He yelled more and more until he came to the climax of his tantrum, That he was helping. He didn't want another accident to happen since Giles's mom killed her son. Yes I killed Loughlin. I know I say it, but no one else can say that. It was supposed to be an accident, not my fault, but here was a man in blue yelling, screaming at my son, that I killed my son. 

Giles lost it. He told that son of a bitch that he cannot talk about his brother. He did not know his brother. He had no right to speak his name. At this time Giles was crying. He told me he wanted to be strong and not show his emotion, but that fucker broke him. He didn't just break him. He broke me. He took away 9 years of counseling in his little craziness. For three days all I can think about is the accident. In my mind are images of Loughlin dead, his brain matter leaking on the seat, his brothers Giles and True having to climb over him to get out of the suburban. 10 years of not having Loughlin here and this prick thinks he can do this to this family. See I believe in vengeance as does your Lord. 

the Chief of Police has been nice, but nice is not what I need. I want his badge. I want him to suffer as we have. I want him to lose a child and grieve for the rest of his life. I want him to feel years of guilt. I want him to beg on his knees for this not to be true.  

They say this is emotional distress at the hands of the great men in blue. I say 6 officers watched this happen and did nothing until the next morning when a few broke the blue wall, and then a few more. You see Giles was telling the truth and turning off their bodycams is against the law, and to what end? To scare a 16 yr old into being a better driver, wait Giles is a good driver. Power is a funny thing.

The Chief has a quote by Edmund Burke on his Facebook wall. It says"  All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing". But I just visited his page and it is gone, co put. Is that a sign that he, also, is not going to do what is necessary to fight the triumph of evil? Well the tea leaves tell a fascinating story.  I am sure they are getting their ducks in a row, because Hell hath no fury, wait Don't mess with a mother bear, because I will do everything to protect the cubs I still have. I have always bocked at authority, because " "Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Great men are almost always bad men." Lord Acton. 

I am in the process of seeing what can be done to right this wrong. Maybe an attorney, he will have a free one. Even the ACLU is on my list, my arch-enemy, but my family is more important than my ideals. 

Nyssa Police Department Mission Statement:"Honor, Integrity and Service "

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Venting........Puking.........

Do you know me? I’m the woman that killed her son.

It was an accident you say but resolution I feel none.

People spend a life locked away for stealing such a spirit.

You say it’s different this time, but I don’t want to hear it.

My hands shake because of the guilt.

So many hours I have knelt.

An empty soul is all I’ve built.

An offsuit I’ve been dealt.

All the darkness I have felt.

A decade of sorrow left a welt.

I can’t perform the easiest task.

I leave the house in Eleanor’s mask.

I drink the poison from his flask,

But it was never enough to ease this madness.

Never enough to end this sadness.

Look again I am but a shell.

I dwell on earth in a living hell

When will I hear the toll of the bell?

How long could one feel this way?

I visited your marker just yesterday.

The shame made me retch.

As I read the scripture that was etched.

“If you have done it unto the least of these……”

God remove it please.

I killed him, and he is gone forever.

This family will now never be together.

Mind conquers all

Rough week in my body. I felt dizzy for the week, even to the point I passed out 3 times. Finally I relented and went to the Dr. again, blood work, bp, blood ox, blood sugar. Everything turned out normal. Next an EKG at St. Lukes, normal, but the technician doesn't want to release me because of being faint, pale, lethargic. So they send me to the ER for more tests, the Dr. is a joke. He doesn't even listen to the time length that my symptoms had been happening. Reads passed out three separate times on my chart and takes more blood, sends me home with yet another prescription. Masks the symptoms but the underlying problem still exists. I have no energy. I a.m dizzy. I am tired, and even more so now with this new med. I want to be healthy again before I die.

I have so much to live for. I have softball starting up again. Giles playing baseball. Lea playing tennis. Maya helping me coach and May 27th she graduates from high school. Cyrus is working back on the farm and living close with his beautiful wife. True is here too with his cute girlfriend we all love. Harlen and I get closer everyday. Life could be so good, if my head was straight and my body was strong.

Fear

A new year

A well known fear

The future isn t clear.

Hoping death is near.

I put up a good fight.

The victory is never in sight.

In the darkness ,little light.

Everything I try nothing is right.

I am exhausted from trying.

My eyes are dry from crying.

My mind tires of lying .

My thoughts centered on dying.

I am a failure in every way.

Good intentions everyday.

A lifetime crushed with what you say.

Never again will life be okay.

A noose would be sufficient.

A gun, I am proficient.

Tylenol, the most efficient.

Ask God he is omniscient.

Look what is down our hill............

Do you see the truck at the end of the lane? Sure it is further than that horrible morning, but it is there, and the corn is being harvested in the field. This is triggering me to the point my head is foggy. No it isn't ok to park it there. You would think you would know that.

Happy 24th Birthday Loughlin

Today Loughlin would have been 24 years old. I can't believe it has been 9 years. I can't also believe that we have survived 9 birthdays without you. I miss you every moment. I love you. My heart is full today, but broken in pieces.

Today I just wanted to die

We are coming up on another one of Loughlin's birthdays. He would have been 24, but he isn't . He is dead. I have had one of those days. Those days when you think that you have had enough. The kind of day I have more than a couple of times a year. I had almost convinced myself to give up. My kids are doing well. They probably would be better off without me. I am doing bookwork that I hate, no that I despise. My anxiety is unbearable. I was even dreaming of ways to do it so that Harlen would still get the life insurance . He would be better without me. I can't breathe any longer. I want it to end.

2 hrs later, Lea has a volleyball game and life looks a little better. 

Maybe I can make it another day.

My Abyss

A few days ago our family headed up to the lake that is less than 40 minutes from our house. It has been a while since I have made the trip. The lake has been low, the boat doesn't ever seem to want to run when I am there, but the biggest reason I don't go is the road up there,

 



It is in my words treacherous. Harlen says I am over-exaggerating. I would say that I am being awful kind. The road at times is an easy 300 ft dropoff with no guards. It is slim, and there are always boats coming back down as you go up. It even brags of a one way tunnel that you cannot see the other end. I do not look out my window. I cannot. I breathe in and I really do not remember exhaling until we are at the top. We made it though.


It was everyone, everyone in the family was in the boat. Cyrus and McKayla received a big floatee for a wedding gift from True.  We put it by the rock side and Harlen took th boat for people to ski and knee board.

 

I was in the boat with Harlen. I had this overwhelming desire to swim to the float. It was about 3/4 of a mile. I haven't swam in years. I am 47 yrs old. Harlen informed me I was no spring chickee, but I just wanted to be alone in the water. I dove in without a life jacket. I started to swim freestyle. I swam hard for a while. It felt so good. About half way to the side I just stopped. I laid on my back and closed my eyes and just floated. I couldn't hear anything. I couldn't see anything. It was my own private abyss. I loved it. I could have stayed forever. It was so peaceful. It was the first solace I had felt in 8 years. I had peace in my soul. I want to go again. I want to feel nothing. The road was worth the tranquility.

This is a beautiful Place.

Drowned Yearbooks. The insanity of it all........

I am cleaning for the upcoming wedding. I found a yearbook from 2009 that belonged to Cyrus. It was in the basement flood and you couldn't open very many of the pages. I, like the curious cat, had to open the book. I read a few of the comments from his friends. This is the Spring after Loughlin's death. The comments read like this, "what a great year Cyrus" or "Hope next year is as good as this one" and I thought for a while. Was I aware of how this must of felt for my son. How could everyone around him be so oblivious to what he was going through. He had spent half the year in a wheelchair because of his legs. It made my heart hurt and my stomach sick to be reminded of what this brave kid went through. He is amazing.
I am thinking about Cyrus often right now. His upcoming nuptials are exciting, but they are also scary. We have a good relationship. I don't want that to go away. I know it will change as it has through the years, but I love our conversations on movies, literature and music, politics when it gets in the way. I love this man he has become against all odds.

They Have it Worse

They Have it Worse

You think you got it bad there is someone who always has it worse.

They took your pride but they left your purse.

Is that supposed to make me feel better?

I could sit down and detail it in a letter.

You have no idea what I’ve been through.

Your eyes would cry a tear if you knew,

Or maybe you would talk the same way.

Judge me, then invite me to pray.

You think you know what it is like to walk in my shoes,

Do you know what it’s like to feel so blue?

To sit and wonder what your child would have been?

To question every moment, if not then?

Then times that by two and add abuse and a rape.

Are you astonished? Is that a gape?

Some have it worse, but some have it milder.

Some like it nice and some like it wilder.

Some think I’m a bitch, and some think I am kind.

I invite you to come inside my shady mind.

Then you’ll see the darkest, deepest corners,

Where they scream and claw at this greatest mourner.

I see my baby in my dreams.

She is perfect, life is what it seems.

But that dream fades and in comes the fear.

The reapers are all around. Their breath is near.

They take her away and leave me pleading.

She is fresh and I am still bleeding.

Then tease me with a greater life.

Hit me once, now hit me twice.

He was the flawless son.

His potential had just begun...

The harvester couldn’t take this one in the dark.

This time the jaws were as mean as a shark.

He left a scar that no one could hide.

He pilfered what was left inside.

The grim he took the future and left me blind.

Now who has it worst? Who can you find?

You know nothing about them, just as you know nothing about me.

Open your eyes and get off your worn knees.

God never made you judge over anyone.

You say he sent his Only Begotten Son?

That is for your mind not for mine.

Being on your knees weakens the spine.

So, tell me again how Some have it worse.

Because my life feels like it has been cursed.

I am not looking for your pity.

Asking you to get down and gritty.

I am not asking for anything at all.

You’re the reason I built a large wall.

To keep the Pharisees out and let no one else in.

Your words will not penetrate the skin.

Leave me alone and take your own course.

Empathy is one thing no one can force.