28th Anniversary

Tonight I am tired and sad. The end

Today 25 years ago my water broke

25 years ago today I was walking up the stairs at Harlen's grandpa's house and my water broke. We had been taking care of him, but that was just another disaster in my life. He called and told people I locked him in his room and didn't feed him. That wasn't true, but probably this day I would do just that. I hate people.

So tomorrow is that bright idea I had about a huge party for my dead son. WTF was I thinking? I am completely miserable. Have I mentioned I hate people.

Lea made the varsity volleyball team. Which is beyond awesome, but... I know there is always a but. She has a game tomorrow night against Vale, Nyssa's rival, ( I think team, school rivals are asinine, but I will play nice) She was a JV player, but then she is the star setter and she will miss Loughlin's party. So will Giles miss it just in case there is the slightest of chance that they can make it for the last moments of a celebration of a 10 year dead son. Then there is Maya that is so excited for her sister, but yet has to be so jealous that she never had the chance to play. Because of me, because 10 years ago I hit a parked farm truck and ruined the lives of everyone around me. But Maya is smiling and cheering and so excited for the sister she loves. I sometimes tell her she is a lot of like me. What a complete farce. She is nothing like me. She loves. She forgives. She shows this stalwart personality like she can't be hurt, even when she is so hurt. She is amazing in so many ways. She is tired of her mom. She is pretty close to hating me. I think this is the moment other parents talk about, when they can't wait to get them to become adults. I have never felt this way. the mom daughter relationship is so different. My first relationship with my daughter only lasted 2 weeks. I am clearly not good at this. I  no nothing about what a real girl/ young women wants because I really never lived that life.

She leaves for school on Thursday. Another child leaving the nest. Another step closer to the moment I am no longer needed on this earth. I should be happy I guess. I am . I am proud of her and her drive. There will no longer be any noise in my house during the day again. I am not ready for that. I am not ready to act cheerful as people celebrate the fact Loughlin will never be 25. He won't be because I KILLED him.

Rhiannon is dead
Loughlin is dead
Cyrus doesn't even like to be in the same room as me.
True is my protector, but he need not be. He needs to worry about his life.
Maya pretty much could do without me.
Giles doesn't even know I exist.
Lea, well Lea is just consumed with her perfectness.

Only a decade a go it seemed almost good. WTH happened??????????

This is not a cry for help

There has been this lingering thought in my head most of my life. I don't belong. There is this utility knife on the counter in my kitchen. I don't know who left it there or why. I haven't thought that part through. I don't really care. I only care that it is there. Tempting as it seems. There is so many ways to ease this pain I face everyday. Overdose, Driving off the road to the dam, Guns galore, but this knife entices my thoughts of the unseemly demise of my soul. It would be easy, yet messy. Where would be the cleanliness, but when have I ever cared about sticky floors. My life has always been so fucking cluttered, complicated, sloppy, and frankly dire. Yet this sharp razor knife has kept my attention for moments. Who am I kidding? It's all I think about. I would never do this to my babies, my husband, yes, but not my kids. They have suffered insurmountable damage at my hands. The POPO was correct. I killed my son. I probably killed my baby girl too. She was mine.  He was mine. I was in charge of their everything, and I failed. I failed grievously. I quit the medicine that was supposed to be keeping me level, but it wasn't keeping me level. It was keeping me numb, dead inside, dull, even callous, but that pink pill kept me alive, breathing, but what is living, breathing without feeling? It isn't living. You are right. I might as well have been in a coma for 9 years. I could only wish I was in the coma, because then I wouldn't have been filled with the ugly emotions that creeped in and took over my life, the guilt, the anxiety, the anger, the guilt, the guilt, the guilt. So this is 1 week off those horrible, sinister, menacing, horrid, vile pink pills that made me shake uncontrollably, that made jerk, so I couldn't even enjoy my succulent black beverage that is ALWAYS my favorite part of my morning. For 2 months I have refrained from the coffee because I was tired of being burned, but most of all I was tired of the ugliness that surrounded that fucking pink pill. I am not capable of living without that fucking pink pill, yet how would I know? How would I know with my addiction to this lousy pink pill? Sure for a year after Loughlin died I was a fucking wreck. I did horrible things, made terrible choices. I wanted to die. The guilt. Is there a worse emotion? It engulfs your whole being. your every thought, your every word, your every dream, your everything. The guilt of losing Rhiannon made me a better mom, but a lousy wife. The guilt of killing Loughlin, killed me. I died 3,602 days ago, 86,642 hours ago, 5,198,520 minutes ago. I have been part of the walking dead for almost 10 years. Surely not the walking dead that is on TV with the fingers falling off and wanting to devour human flesh, but I am walking and I am dead. 💔

There is a Blue Shadow hanging over me.

It must be that time of year again. The time when I have to face the facts that my kids are getting older, now Lea is a freshman just like Loughlin was when he died. This morning I was watching an airbag commercial talking about the safety of their cars and I just listened and then I saw Loughlin just lying there. I saw Cy's legs crushed in the car. I saw Maya unconscious on the floor of the suburban. I watched True and Giles climb over their brother's lifelessness. I hear my shrills that I killed my son. I am watching it replay in my mind 100's of times today. I cannot shut it off. I cannot fast forward nor rewind. This is my life. The incident with the POPO in Nyssa has made these feelings so raw and the guilt dig in to stay. I am tired. Maya is here with me for another 3 weeks, but then what? Alone in this empty space?

Giles & Lea 1st day of school 2018

"Wake me up when September Ends"

Funeral for my dad's older brother

Traveled to Utah last Thursday and Friday for my uncles funeral. This is the 4 boys as youngsters.  From left Gary, then above Dave;, in front Steven, my grandma's angel she lost at 3., last but certainly not least, my dad. Uncle Gary was a good man. He was very successful.  He tried to help me after losing Rhiannon.  I think he secretly was glad he didn't have a kid like me. He was my dad's best friend.  My dad was 100% blue collar. They still treat him like the black sheep.  He wasn't ever. Money isn't everything but perseverance is. He has struggled with everyone of us wayward children but he never gave up. He is my hero and so much better than he was treated. My grandma's sisters were always right about him.

Death is so hard

Harlen's mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer on January 21st, 2017. They gave her 3 months to live. She flew home to Boise from Arizona (snowbirds) . She was weak but she could walk to the pick-up and then walk into the house when we got her and Fred home. 2 days later she couldn't walk to the bathroom. Her dementia and sundowners was getting a lot worse. It was hard to watch a women with so much life fail so quickly. She took such great care of herself. She always ate right and exercised daily. I thought she would live to be a hundred. She is going to be missed so much.

My mother was my stone.

One of the few I called my own.

She was understanding and kind.

Loved me heart, soul and mind.

She never left me yearning.

Every moment I was learning,

How to live my life with bliss,

Never ever wanting to miss,

A single moment with the ones I love.

Still sending blessings from above.

She will be forever in my heart,

Closer and yet now apart.

I love you Mom.

"If you have done it unto the least of these my brethren, you have done it unto me."

Matthew 25:40 is on Loughlin's headstone...........

I know I am not religious, but I do try to find influence to better my life. I feel the need to help the most downtrodden. Everyone calls me crazy. My son's friend is homeless and in trouble. He needs help. Who am I not to offer my home, my family, my food, my love? I am just a peasant, whom without the help of others would have perished long ago. I have a loving family. I had a grandma who took me in when I was lost, never to be found. She loved me and taught me that there should be no judgement, only love. 

I am not in a great place right now myself, but lending a hand to someone else makes me feel good, makes me realize that there is pain all around us. It makes me understand that all we have to do is open our eyes a little bit and the opportunities to help, save, love is everywhere. 

I go in for LAPAROSCOPIC NISSEN FUNDOPLICATION on December 15th. I will be sore for sometime. I will be on a liquid diet for 2 weeks. It will be a miserable Christmas for me. I am trying to get on top of things before that time. I usually start Christmas cards, shopping, decorating at about the 15th so I am struggling. I am so far behind that I have not done True's thank you cards from graduation, or the kids' steer thank you cards from September. So I am working on all three at the same time. The shopping will be done online. The presents will be wrapped by my beautiful daughters. I hope to have the Christmas tree up on Sunday. 

Just a Week away.from the Ugly

Today is the 20th of October. I am busy. It is Homecoming Week. Kids are going every which way imaginable. Yet, I look out my window and the colors are orange and yellow with brown sneaking in. My heart skips a little, my stomach is queasy, my hands shake uncontrollably, my head swims and aches, I am transformed back to that day, that morning. I was so busy. I had to get home. I had to make a cake for a funeral at the church. I was grouchy. I made Loughlin and Cyrus change seats, Harlen says I favored Cyrus. Did I? This is all my fault. I can't even say I am sorry. I am so sorry Loughlin. I loved you so much. I was always so proud of you. You set our family on a path that is still taken today. I am sorry. My heart hurts so much. My doc always asks me where I feel it. I feel it from the tip of my head to my toes. I am weak. The crater you have left in our life can never be filled. I wish I could live my life over. I would cherish every moment with every child, Rhiannon, Loughlin, Cyrus, True. Maya, Giles and Lea, everyone of them. Life is fleeting. What makes an ordinary day an extraordinary moment? I wish I could remember every second I spent with Loughlin, but with every day my mind fails me more.

And then there were 3.........

School started this morning for Nyssa. Maya is a Junior. Giles is a Freshman, and Lea is in 7th grade,
I couldn't even get myself to get a picture. Giles is a Freshman. I hate this year in school. I will be glad when November rolls around. He would make it past the dreadful October 27th. All I remember is this video. August 2008, the last real 1st day of school.

Weddings

Last night Harlen and I went to a reception of a very good friend of Loughlin's. We have stayed close to the family because our kids are close in age, 4-H and the fair. I love his mom to death. She is one of the most genuine people in the world.

That said I usually do not go to weddings of Lough's friends. It is agony. It is like a knife slicing through your soul and pulling out another piece of your heart, with the extra topping being the guilt you feel for feeling ripped off again when you should feel happy for the new couple. I felt happy for a while then the little branches of jealousy crept in to the soul.

I left the party nauseated and so full of anxiety and guilt that I was trembling. That should have been Loughlin. He should be entering into a joyous union with a beautiful young girl. I should be looking forward to grand babies. Actually if you want to rub salt in my open wound today you could say Rhiannon would be married, kids. This is not the plan I had for life. My children's deaths have sent my life on a road I never wanted to travel, but yet I am there and sometimes it is ugly and unbearable, but the light shines through and I see the joy through my other children. This life, different than I had dreamed, can still be joyous.

   I Lava You  My favorite song!

The phone call every mom dreads

An hour ago I just got a frantic call from Maya. She had wrecked the Side by Side next to the canal and had been thrown from it. She was hard to understand and I felt so damn helpless. I couldn't even understand where she was. Harlen, Cyrus and True took off to find her. I just listened on the phone to her sobs.

She is beat up but nothing major. I am so angry, sad, really messed up right now. I could only think the worse and even after she was home in my arms I cannot stop the tears. I am pissed off that I have no control over my life, my kids future, and the what if is killing me. I wouldn't make it without my beautiful girl. She is my sunshine. I love her more than life itself.

Bullying/Abuse 10/28/2015

How do I start this post? I am disheartened. I have had problems with teachers and coaches in the past, my past and my kids' past, but this is WOW!

Last week on the anniversary of Loughlin's death the football coach( I use that word lightly) called True out of weights class to ask him, how many kids on the team liked True. True answered a lot, there my friends. He got in his face and said really how many? True answered, they like me. Then the coach told True not a single kid on the team liked True(not that nice). True is a big kid, 6ft. 3in. but he was crushed. He gave 4 years of his life to this man. He thought there was a mutual respect, even though when now pressed he knows he was an asshole for the whole 4 years.He always treated True poorly.

This the same man who took Loughlin's position away from him because he couldn't go to football camp for a week because we were haying. Loughlin quit soon afterwards, very smart.

This the same man who gave Cyrus a "C" in PE because he said Cyrus forgot his clothes, even though I had packed his bag the entire time and knew it wasn't true. I asked to see the records that he bragged he had and he told me to come by later, but I received a phone call from him saying he had conveniently threw the ledger away. Cyrus was a 4.0 student before this.

So much anger is pinned up inside me. I am not going to publish this until after the State game on Friday. I don't want to bring further angst down on my son. 

As a mom who has lost 2 children it is so hard for me not to hate this man, not to wish something horrible would happen to him, even hire someone to make him feel the way he has made my kids feel. It is sad. True loved football before him, loved! He excelled on every team.

This man also pulled True out of class many times in the last 2 years to push an LDS mission on him, during school hours, on school property. Clearly a violation of the Separation of Church & State.

Just Sad

Sometimes I wake up and I am just sad. The responsibility of my family feels unbearable for my shoulders to handle. My legs grow weary and my back begins to bend with the weight. The guilt lingers in my mind. Lea went with friends for the weekend and with her being gone and Cyrus at school it felt empty, lonely. I am exhausted and I don't ever sleep well anymore. I need a change of scenery, because the Fall is no longer my favorite season. I hate it. My only recluse is football. I watch every game I can get my eyes fixated on. It is a nice distraction, high school, college, NFL.

The Dreams Continue and Sleep Deprivation

I really don't know why the dreams are continuing. I had another dream of True dying in a car accident. I woke up and couldn't or didn't want to go to sleep. The next night I dreamed of Maya dying of cancer. On the wall above her hospital bed was a chalkboard of all the procedures they performed to save her. It was so real that I woke up in a pool of sweat. The next night I dreamed that Lea was kidnapped and for 7 years we searched for her until the sheriff's department found her discarded body. So after 5 nights of no sleep I took a nap today only to wake up in a delusional state because Cyrus had been stabbed by a homeless man when he was giving him some dinner in Eugene. I don't know if a sleeping pill would get me through these long nights, but I am scared to close my eyes. My subconscious is playing evil tricks on my mind. I do't know how to get rid of it. Tonight might be Giles for he is the only one that has escaped my torment. SOS

Bad Dream

I had a dream last night. I received a call from the hospital that Loughlin had been in a roll over, but that he was going to make it. We sped down to the hospital only to find that he had walked out of his room only to collapse on the sidewalk and die, but it wasn't Loughlin after all , but True. He had been in a jeep that had over corrected and flipped. Well I woke up sobbing, uncontrollably sobbing. Of course True is fine and it was only a dream, but dreams can be so real sometimes and losing any one else in my family would be the end of me.

Yesterday I had counseling and I spoke of my guilt, my horrible guilt about the accident. It is still so strong. Every time something happens that is hooked to the accident, the guilt makes a return. It weighs so heavy on my conscience. It makes my anxiety show it's ugly head. It brings the depression back. It happens because Maya can't play volleyball or because Cyrus has a hard time walking to all of his classes at college. I think," I did this, I did this all." If not for me, life would still be normal, happy for everyone. If not for me not seeing that farm truck our life would be an eternal bliss. I am not naive. I know this isn't the case but my guilt ridden soul doesn't know this. My soul who sees that God punishes the evil and rewards the good. (Just kidding hahahahahahah) I don't really think God gives a shit about what happens on this earth. Smite me oh mighty Smiter. I am not afraid of a non-existent entity that way to many people blame as they judge harshly and throw away the "sinners" of this earth.  I wish my life was different. I wish at the movies we had 9+1 (Kevin ) sitting on the row eating popcorn and laughing out loud, but it is what it is, and I am slowly learning to adapt to my new surroundings. I will never love this new existence, but I will live on to tell my tale.

Fall is on the Rise

I am in a funk. I spend time that I don't have the liberty to waste thinking about what is and what could have or should have been. I watch my kids grow, change, evolve, move, and I feel robbed, raped, tortured. I am sure most parents watch with glee the accomplishments of their children, not me. I am happy for them but it is always tinged with a guilt and emptiness because I missed so much in Loughlin's and Rhiannon's life. I went to Math night with Giles and on the wall was the teacher's previous classes pictures. There was Loughlin in 2006-7 year and 2007-8 year. He was so happy, having such a great time, like he was most of his life. It cut a slice out of my soul and left it in my gut to digest, but that wasn't enough there was Cyrus too, so happy, joking, being the class clown. I lost that son on October 27,2008 also. He will never be that carefree kid again. He is here and I love him so much but he is ME. He is serious and cynical. He trusts nothing. His innocence was stolen from him. His heart was pillaged. His childhood perished in a crushed jumble of metal. Then he was judged, torn apart and thrown in a heep of yesterdays.

The seasons are changing again. Fall means harvest and hunting. Leaves are changing colors and it seems my mood changes with it from green to yellow to blood red. School started. True is a Senior, Maya a Sophomore, Giles is in the last grade Loughlin finished, 8th and my baby Lea started 6th grade. The triggers are going off like an AK-47.

Oh I miss him

3 blogs in one day but I just want to say I MISS YOU LOUGHLIN

One Person's Miracle is another's miserable truth.

I feel guilty. I hate feeling guilty. I believe guilt is a tool of religion to keep people in line with how other's believe they should live. Yet I am feeling it because of my own feelings. Are these feelings selfish? I guess other's would be shocked to hear my feelings. They would die to feel my feelings. Feelings are feelings. I don't believe I have much control over my feelings. Sure someone else was in a terrible accident near my home. I drove by it with my girl. The car was mangled. The son was life-flighted to Boise. He is hurt but he is going to make it. Seems fair? Seems right? If you could feel the rock in the pit of my stomach. The nausea rising up in my throat. I should just puke. My legs like jello, wobbly. My head is swimming in a cesspool of mumbled squalor. Nothing is explainable, in fact this life is nonsensical. God am I that bad? God, what God? Rhiannon she didn't make it. Dead. Cold. Gone. That wasn't quite enough though. My son next. That was a car accident too right? But oh that God of yours he must LOVE me so very much. Hate. Dead. Cold. Gone. Should I be angry that Loughlin was taken and not him? No probably not, but I am. I am pissed.I know it sounds like I wish he had died but if you believe that you haven't ever listened. I don't want him dead. I want my kids ALIVE. It's not one or the other? or is it?
 I could use something to numb this existence. My mind grows weary. My heart has lost far too much blood to keep up with the beating. My soul is tattered like that of the beggars shoes. My hands shake for I know not what to do with them. My eyes blurred from the tears. My ears have deafened for I tire of your lies. Let me be. Let me cry. Let me feel sorry for myself. I think I can do that once in a while. I don't deserve but I don't give a shit.

Timing

Tami at Rhiannon's Grave

Wednesday is a long and strenuous day for me. I have Maya's practice in the morning, then I rush home to change and head to Boise for EMDR therapy, then back home and in to softball uniforms only to travel to Lea's game somewhere. I knew today was going to be hard. I have never really talked to anyone about Rhiannon. I have wrote about it on here, not many details but not really even to Harlen. Today we were going to work on the memories of Rhiannon and her death, also what followed. I was shaking on the drive over. It had been a long time since I had let those raw feelings surface. 5 minutes before I arrived at the Docs I received a text from an old friend. 5 minutes before the anger and hurt would come spilling out of my heart. She had visited Rhiannon's grave. She had made such an effort as to find the caretaker to find her grave. She brought balloons for her. She let me smile before I walked in the door to pour out my soul. Such a small deed from such a big heart.  I am sure today would have been harder without her. Thank you so much

I remembered parts of Rhiannon's death that I had stuffed so far down in my psyche as to never come out. I remembered being asked permission to shut off life support on her after she arrived at the hospital. I was 18, an adult, or a child playing the part of an adult. I had just watched my baby die. They shut off the machines and wanted me to hold her. A child holding a baby, cold, lifeless, making decisions I was never capable of. I have been hard on myself for far too long. I believed that her dying was my punishment for getting pregnant. I didn't come to that belief on my own. I was treated as an outcast. I look back now and Dr. Booth helped me realize I survived at 18 what some would never survive. I woke up to a baby girl, dead, blood, watched my mom try to bring her back, but she was so cold. I lived through a viewing, graveside and guilt. I went on to raise some pretty wonderful kids and I am still trying to do that. Loughlin was a masterpiece and like most masterpieces they are not realized until they are past. I am a work in progress. Dealing with the guilt of Rhiannon's death is far easier than that of Loughlin's but maybe someday. I love all my kids, alive and passed. My heart hurts whenever they are hurt or when I miss them, which in Loughlin and Rhiannon's case is always.

Rhiannon's Birthday 27 years old

This is Rhiannon and I when she was a week old. May 23, 1988. I don't know how many times I have told my story but I was 17 when I got pregnant and 18 when I had her. I had planned on giving her up for adoption but the adoptive parents backed out on us at the last minute. She had low blood sugar , so they kept her at the hospital for 5 days. That left 9 days with her. I brought her home from the hospital. I loved her so much. She was so beautiful and such an easy baby. I was reluctant but excited, scared but fulfilled. So many mixed emotions inside me, but I was happy, really happy.

I have very few pictures of her, in fact 2 and a video. I didn't know I wouldn't have her long. I should have took so many more. I was young and stupid and believed in a fair and just world, not really, but that was my excuse. In 2 weeks she would die of SIDS next to me in my bed. Who said life was fair?