What can I do?

The new bone marrow biopsy came back with double the amount of leukemia cells in the marrow than when Harlen started. It was devastating news. He started a new chemo on Wednesday. We have it and a trial drug left. It is hard not to be negative. I wish there was something I could do to change this. Harlen is getting tired. He is only 52. His life has so much more to live. We have so many plans for the future. Alaska with the boys, Europe with me, Grandchildren. It just isn't fair. So many prayers on his behalf have been said. We have to have good news soon. Please God let us keep him here on Earth.

Migraines

I know I have talked about my migraines in the past, but I am having a bad one today, yesterday, the day before and most debilitating tonight. It is 1:30 am. this is way past my bedtime. I can't afford to have one right now. I am Harlen's caretaker. What if they think I cannot do this. He has to have a caregiver 24/7 after the transplant. Am I up for this task? I miss home. I miss the kids and my grandson. I miss my life before cancer. I almost have forgotten what that life was like then. Then I feel guilty for feeling crappy when Harlen is in the fight of his life. What kind of wife am I? You have to step up I keep telling myself. This is his. I can't keep raining on his torrential downpour. I watch him sleep and imagine what a horrible life it would be without him. He is sick. Sometimes he is really sick, but he is sick all of the time. Cancer sucks! Funny how people only think of cancer when it affects their circle. "You know that guy down the road with all those kids? He has cancer." or "She is only 35. How come she is dealing with this?" or even "Did you hear about Joe? He died last night with his family all around." How long do you think of these people fighting this horrible disease? How many times in a day do you wonder if they are going to make it? It never leaves my mind. Just like Rhiannon and Loughlin never leave my mind. Maybe the migraine is caused from lack of space in my brain.

 I am rambling tonight I know, but I am 6 hrs away from the only Dr. I trust and I am miserable.
I went to do a batch of laundry. Crazy I know, but I can't sleep and I can't watch Harlen sleep anymore. Too many thoughts are in my mind and I don't like any of them.

God only asked Noah for 40 days and 40 nights

Today is day 34 in the hospital. I am exhausted. I just wrapped Harlen's PICC line so he could shower. I am not a nurse. I have never wanted to be a nurse. I never cared to know what a PICC line is or what it does. He has a port too. It's in the right side of his chest. It is for blood or platelets or poison or whatever the hell they want to put in him. We were so excited for a clean bone marrow biopsy, but now his numbers won't come up and the Dr. today gave us little hope on what they could do next. Did I mention I am tired?

On top of it all we are trying from 70 miles away to compose the bull sale catalog. It is virtually impossible. My mind is so cloudy from stress and anxiety that I am having a hard time remembering numbers from one source to get to the other source. It is a long process on a normal year and takes most of my energy. I am sucking at it.

Harlen is down. He is talking like he is planning for an end result that I cannot put my head around. I can't think through this. I can't imagine a life without him in it, but if his numbers don't come up there isn't much more they can do for him. UGH The words came out of my mouth. My God it is your turn to step in. I know you aren't accustom to being told what to do, but I am tired of asking. I am tired of pleading. I need the father of my children in my life, in their life. I need a happy ending. I need what is left in my family to stay in this family.Was cancer your idea? Because I have to tell you if it was it blows.

There is hope and then it is crushed, then there is hope, but it is squashed, then there is real hope, but it was just pretend, then there really is hope, but it never was hope. It was just words, and words are empty and hollow and ugly.

I still have hope the Dr.'s are wrong because seriously when have they been right?

I believe I would rather have 2 of every species living amongst me.

Bone Marrow came back Clean

Harlen's bone marrow came back clean of all cancer in his last biopsy. We are still in the hospital and will be until his good cells start doing their job. Then we are off to Utah for the stem cell transplant that should have been done back in November. But the great news is we have more hope with each passing day. He is still having hard days with fevers, aches and chills, but they are lessening which is a good sign.

Why not me?

I just have a simple question. Why not me? Harlen is so loved by so many. He does such an awesome job at being positive. He is a supreme provider for our family. The kids love him. Did I mention that everyone who knows him loves him. Mark Twain said " No one is a failure that has friends"

I am the opposite, and I am sure that people are whispering the question across the sphere. Why not her? She has made so many awful choices and mistakes in life. You're right it should be me. It should have always been me.11 years ago it should have been me. Hell 31 years ago it should have been me.Why can't it be me?

28th Anniversary

Tonight I am tired and sad. The end

It will be a St. Luke's Christmas, Anniversary, New Year's, Birthday

It's Christmas Eve and we are in St. Luke's hospital, well Harlen and me. Wednesday we went for his appointment at MSTI and his white cells were through the sky. They admitted us to the hospital and we just thought it would be for a couple of days, but after tests it was revealed Harlen's CMML had turned into AML ( Acute Myeloid Leukemia. This is a fast acting, aggressive cancer. We were informed we would spend the next 5 weeks in the hospital to try chemotherapy to put the cancer into remission. Then and only then would we be able to move to the Huntsman Center for a Stem Cell Transplant. Today is day 4 of the chemo regiment. We have seen Harlen's white cells as high as 169,000, but his results this morning were hopeful. They are down to 22,690. His red cells and platelets will continue to fall also through this process, but they can be replenished with transfusions. We are praying for good numbers throughout this stay and remission.

The kids took the initiative and got at least kid family pictures done. Maya has been a steam roller setting up 2 fundraisers for Harlen. She really is a sweetheart. She was very successful. All the time she was deep in her studies to become a teacher. Cyrus is half way through his Master's program and He and McKayla are only 2 weeks from having our first grand baby. We are excited beyond words. True has stepped up and is taking Harlen's place on the farm. He and Katlyn worked tirelessly through harvest. Giles is still a senior in high school and has the coolest car and cutest girlfriend there. He loves to push my buttons, but we love him just the same. Lea finished a great volleyball season. She was the varsity setter and earned the Bulldog award, Honorable Mention all district,  Scholar athlete, and a 4.0. Wow. We hope they are courageous through this long process and can keep up with their good works. I want to share a few of our pictures.