God only asked Noah for 40 days and 40 nights

Today is day 34 in the hospital. I am exhausted. I just wrapped Harlen's PICC line so he could shower. I am not a nurse. I have never wanted to be a nurse. I never cared to know what a PICC line is or what it does. He has a port too. It's in the right side of his chest. It is for blood or platelets or poison or whatever the hell they want to put in him. We were so excited for a clean bone marrow biopsy, but now his numbers won't come up and the Dr. today gave us little hope on what they could do next. Did I mention I am tired?

On top of it all we are trying from 70 miles away to compose the bull sale catalog. It is virtually impossible. My mind is so cloudy from stress and anxiety that I am having a hard time remembering numbers from one source to get to the other source. It is a long process on a normal year and takes most of my energy. I am sucking at it.

Harlen is down. He is talking like he is planning for an end result that I cannot put my head around. I can't think through this. I can't imagine a life without him in it, but if his numbers don't come up there isn't much more they can do for him. UGH The words came out of my mouth. My God it is your turn to step in. I know you aren't accustom to being told what to do, but I am tired of asking. I am tired of pleading. I need the father of my children in my life, in their life. I need a happy ending. I need what is left in my family to stay in this family.Was cancer your idea? Because I have to tell you if it was it blows.

There is hope and then it is crushed, then there is hope, but it is squashed, then there is real hope, but it was just pretend, then there really is hope, but it never was hope. It was just words, and words are empty and hollow and ugly.

I still have hope the Dr.'s are wrong because seriously when have they been right?

I believe I would rather have 2 of every species living amongst me.

28th Anniversary

Tonight I am tired and sad. The end

Paralyzed

Today I am paralyzed. I am sure most of you believe that I am not being literal, but I am. It is amazing what the mind can do to the body. I have a headache. It's pretty excruciating. I took my normal regiment of Excedrin and Promethezine, but it is hanging on if not just by its fingertips. My mind wants to do so many things, like clean the house, fix the holes in my walls, make my yard look like someone lives here, but my body is paralyzed. It is like I am glued to this brown recliner in my living room in which I have come to hate. I feel so heavy that moving is almost impossible. You say I am just lazy, but you don't feel what I feel.

Tomorrow we meet with the Stem Cell Transplant Team. I am petrified of what they are going to tell us. You could say I just need faith, but faith in what? I have faith in a God now, but I do not have faith that it will save my husband from the horrible pain he is in store for. I do not have faith that a match will be found. I am scared. I am scared of what they are going to tell us.

Harlen has been suffering from stress related ills since his diagnosis. For the last three days it has been his back. He is suffering from muscle spasms and I am afraid of leaving him alone.  I used to get this pain all of the time and  know it will go away when he quits worrying and relaxes, but that is easier said than done. He is in the hands of people he doesn't know. People who are trained to cure him, but if they don't win it is just a game to them. They don't have a stake in this fight. As long as they get paid they will feel that their job has been completed.

I find comfort in prayer lately, but today I could pray all day and not feel at ease. God find a match for Harlen. Life is short enough.

The enjoyment of a debilitating panic attack

Not really. There is no joy in panic attacks. In fact you think you are dying and maybe you will one day. Of course you will one day, die. but a panic attack feels like you are dying right then.  Your chest hurts. Your neck stiffens. You have shortness of breath and are dizzy. Your lips and fingertips, even your feet are tingling. Wait those are the symptoms of a heart attack. Could I be having a heart attack? I am fat and completely out of shape. Questions like these make you panic more. Should I go to the Dr and get that same pandering pat on the back? Or will that only make you feel worse and kind of like a loser, which will add to the panic because your husband says he doesn't think you're a loser, but your extremities are numb for no fucking reason. YOU are a loser. Are you also crazy? You lost your balance going to pee and hit your head on the bathtub, but you are only dizzy because you are crazy, right? Why are you panicking he may or you may ask? How should I know? It could be the fact that you drove to Portland and back in 2 days for a softball camp that lasted until 6:30 pm, then there was an accident on the freeway and the sirens and lights make you think are we next? You still have a six hour drive. But this is insane? Driving until 2am is also insane, 3 days of complete insanity. A double shot in my arse again, but not for a real ailment like a migraine, but only because you feel like you are dying. You leave the Dr.'s office and you are stoned, and you are tired, but hey you are not in a total panic, but then the drugs wear off and you are once again panicked. How many Valiums can you take and still respond to human contact? If you take too many then you are in a panic you will run out before the end of the month. WTF! Where are the answers to my questions?

One sort of conclusion is don't DRIVE at all, never again.

Mirrors

I avoid mirrors as much as I can. Today as I was waiting for Harlen in the car, I looked in my rear view mirror. I was noticing all the wrinkles on my face. I thought of the years I have lived, but then I caught a glimpse of the scar below my lower lip, then the one above my right eye. The scars I have from running into the truck 11 years ago. Then as quick as I glanced in the mirror I was back in the suburban and Loughlin was dead on the bench behind me. The air left the van. I was left to my guilt and loneliness. Wrinkles to scars to I killed my son in less than 1 minute. PTSD? probably, but it is my life. This is not the life I chose. This is not a life I would choose even for my worst enemies. My family is everything to me.

Lea had a varsity game that we were on our way to. I was already in a mood. Lea didn't get to play. She was heartbroken. She cried. Lea never cries. She cried all the way home. She cried when we got home. She wrapped up in her comforter on her bed and cried. I went in and laid by her and cried with her. I hope it isn't how this year goes. I hope it gets better. Lea is a fantastic baller. She earned a spot on that team. I lived through 4 years of this with True. I am getting too old for the politics of this shit. I am tired. I love my baby girl. How do I sit back and watch another coach break my baby?

I got my new 10mm out and shot it for a while. I need the practice. True's going to come teach me how to be a better shot. I love that gun. Best Birthday present ever.

Today I just need an ear to listen.....I am not looking for you to fix me. Happy birthday Giles!

It's Giles's 17th birthday today. Another milestone in this family, and I can choose whether this milestone pulls me further into the abyss or I can celebrate that we all made it this far. I love this kid. He is amazing. He gets treated horribly by authority figures because of his hair and his inability to cow tow to the bullshit that attacks him. He is so strong, yet he loves to be told how proud you are of him. He treats with respect those who deserve it, but certainly is smart enough to ascertain those who don't. He is hilarious and plays the worst music in the world, but he loves it, and I love it when he smiles. He has experienced 2 more years than Loughlin did. 17 more years than Rhiannon did. There is the stone that sinks me further. I think I will just float on my back and rest a while. The deep can wait.

The Creeping Darkness

There are so many things that have changed for me in the last two weeks. The biggest of which is I am happier. I actually am cleaning up my house, but that is going to take a while. I am so out of shape. Wallowing in self pity can certainly take it out of someone when it takes 10 years to snap out of it. I am tired though. I can feel the darkness creeping in and I hate it.

Volleyball season has ended for Lea, but she started pitching lessons last night. She will be starting pretty much from scratch. She wants to learn new and faster pitches so she is going to have to change almost all of her pitching technique. It is going to be a long process, but if anyone can do it, it is her.

Maya has decided to come back to TVCC for the Winter term. She is after all a mommy's girl. It will save her so much money and I really love her around.

Cyrus got all his paper work in and should be starting to substitute teaching soon. Maybe then he will know that is what he wants to do before starting the Masters program.

True and Katlyn spent 10 days on a elk hunt and saw nothing, so they froze their ass off for nothing. I am sure True still found fun in it.

Giles needs to improve his grades. He only cares about fast cars and cute girls. I hope he starts pitching soon.

Harlen has the corn and cow work left for this year. He is exhausted and we are talking about phasing us out of the farm. None of our kids want to take it over. He is too tired to do it all.

Please God keep these meds working. I love the new , old me.

Tomorrow is the 27th of October again

Ok tomorrow is the big bad day again. 10 years can you believe it? I can't. I have to say I can feel the sadness creeping in, but creeping is so much better than ramrodding. I should be sad. I should have triggers. Harlen is combining the same field with the same truck as the day of the accident, but I am ok with that. I have decided to stay home until he is finished. Why not? Why put yourself in that place? I miss Loughlin everyday. Everything around me reminds me what a great kid he was. He is gone and his chair at the table will never be filled, but that is just how it is. I can't fight the system anymore. I can't fight death himself. All I can do is try my hardest to raise the children that are here on this Earth. Try my best, and love my hubby everyday, even when he is a grump from the long hours of harvest. Tomorrow is that day but I miss Loughlin everyday, what is the difference?

There is a Blue Shadow hanging over me.

It must be that time of year again. The time when I have to face the facts that my kids are getting older, now Lea is a freshman just like Loughlin was when he died. This morning I was watching an airbag commercial talking about the safety of their cars and I just listened and then I saw Loughlin just lying there. I saw Cy's legs crushed in the car. I saw Maya unconscious on the floor of the suburban. I watched True and Giles climb over their brother's lifelessness. I hear my shrills that I killed my son. I am watching it replay in my mind 100's of times today. I cannot shut it off. I cannot fast forward nor rewind. This is my life. The incident with the POPO in Nyssa has made these feelings so raw and the guilt dig in to stay. I am tired. Maya is here with me for another 3 weeks, but then what? Alone in this empty space?

Giles & Lea 1st day of school 2018

"Wake me up when September Ends"

The impending 10 year mark is suffocating me.

.
I am shaking
Heart breaking
No faking
I want to die
10 long years
All my fears
They came true
I never knew
A pain like this
The child I miss
Could change us all
I sit. I scream. I bawl.
Where are the smiles?
Nothing but trials.
I have failed.
My hands not nailed
My cross I have to carry
The weight makes me weary,
My mind is scrambled
His life I gambled.
I see him lying there.
God how can this be fair?
One life gone, but 7 destroyed.
Lives of hell were deployed.

Venting........Puking.........

Do you know me? I’m the woman that killed her son.

It was an accident you say but resolution I feel none.

People spend a life locked away for stealing such a spirit.

You say it’s different this time, but I don’t want to hear it.

My hands shake because of the guilt.

So many hours I have knelt.

An empty soul is all I’ve built.

An offsuit I’ve been dealt.

All the darkness I have felt.

A decade of sorrow left a welt.

I can’t perform the easiest task.

I leave the house in Eleanor’s mask.

I drink the poison from his flask,

But it was never enough to ease this madness.

Never enough to end this sadness.

Look again I am but a shell.

I dwell on earth in a living hell

When will I hear the toll of the bell?

How long could one feel this way?

I visited your marker just yesterday.

The shame made me retch.

As I read the scripture that was etched.

“If you have done it unto the least of these……”

God remove it please.

I killed him, and he is gone forever.

This family will now never be together.

The Conversation

Cyrus and McKayla came over to the house yesterday. We talked. We talked for 2 hours about a lot of things. He still blames me for so many things, but I don't think he hates me. I don't know if things will ever be the same. I love this child so much. I would easily give my life for him. If this was a fair world I would be able to take this from him. I deserve it. He deserves a good life, teaching, having kids, loving his music and his books. He has been through hell and back. If God was real I could sacrifice my mind for him to be healthy. Love should conquer all.

Down and out

1,2 shell
Ring the bell
Living hell
Clearance sale
On my life
Shitty wife
Trials rife
Sharp knife
Neck or wrist
Get the gist?
Moments missed
Feeling pissed
Nauseated
Ankles weighted
Looking dated.
Always hated.
Life's a clash.
An irritating rash.
beneath teeth gnash
Left recycled trash.
People try to save
Not realizing what I gave
2 in the grave.
Now 1 to his mind a slave.
Giving up is painless
No one's getting famous
Keeping up is brainless
No god I am faithless.

A Hello can change your life, at least your attitude

Yesterday Cyrus came in the house in the morning and said Hello Mom. Can I have a cup of coffee? It's been months since he said something nice to me. He is working out here on the farm to earn money for bills. He hates charity even from us. He wants to pay his way. I see hope now when before  I only say dismay. I love this man so much.

Then on the other hand Maya thinks she is moving out when she turns 18. Life is a struggle. Buddha can you slow the struggle down?

A break from the mundane

5 days of baseball in Bend and John Day. Maya is supposed to be taking stats for the baseball team again but they have decided they only have money for the BOYS and her commitment to take stats means nothing. So I didn't want her to miss out of this opportunity. I drove her to Bend and we stayed the night. t was an invaluable time together. She is a senior and she will be leaving soon for college. We talked and laughed and watched stupid things on the TV. A day later we were off to John Day to stay in a cheap hotel and freeze our asses off. Lea tagged along because Harlen was delivering bulls. She didn't want to go but she had a blast. We ate too much , laughed too hard. Giles got to pitch n Bend and in John Day he played 1st base and pitched. He really did a great job and I was glad I could watch him. 5 days away from home was just what the doctor ordered. I was cold 90% of the time. The hotel smelled like an old folks home but I didn't think about the problems at home, maybe once or twice.

Then I came home to knowing Cyrus ran out of medication and some people thinking he is doing better. Better? 3 months with only being called a cunt, bitch whore and accusing me of killing Rhiannon and Loughlin. Hey that's something!

Momma said there would be days like this..............

I could say I woke up in a foul mood, but you would actually have to sleep to wake up in any kind of mood. I am obsessed with checking Cyrus' Facebook account to see if he is awake like me. 2 nights ago we were both up all night, him posting, me waiting to see his posts. Then I spent the day at a volleyball tournament with Lea. The noise and the people in such a small area put my PTSD in full throttle. I am out of valium. I took it way to often with everything that is going on in my life. Now I am stuck in a constant state of panic. The brontosaurus that is resting on my chest refuses to move. I picked the brontosaurus because an elephant just doesn't explain the feeling and when Loughlin was a child the long neck was his favorite dinosaur. I can't get over the words of my supposed loving husband that I am the spawn of the devil and I caused Cyrus' mental illness. It makes me sick. I have the worst problem with guilt anyway I just want to thank him for adding to it. I killed Rhiannon because I did not wake up on time. I killed Loughlin because I can't drive a fucking suburban to school in the morning and now I am responsible for. Cyrus because I am angry at God and I don't follow my husband's religion. He teaches Gospel Doctrine in church. Sunday's lesson was on Abraham and Sara and Sodom and Gomorrah . I told him that God condones Adultery, Rape and Incest. He didn't think I was funny, but really Abraham and Hagar, Lot's daughters got him drunk and raped him. OMG and I am the malevolent one.

I hate that I sit in silence about Cyrus' illness. Why is mental illness frowned upon? If he was suffering from kidney disease everyone would be concerned. They would check in on him. They would feel empathy for him. Instead they treat him like a leper. Do you know what I would give to talk to Cyrus again, just for 5 minutes, 10. I miss him so much. It is like he is here but a shell. Have I already lost him?

Reintroduction & Persecution

Last week Harlen and I delivered bulls. We took them to an incredible guy that Harlen knows very well. I guess I had met him before but i don't remember. He and his wife have been through hell this last year. False accusations ruined is life. But last Monday his son committed suicide in the most horrifying way. He had been fighting mental illness for years and he was done. I haven't slept well since. I am scared for Cyrus. OMG I could not live through losing another child.

Why this happened to our family? Well Harlen told me last night it is because of me. It is because I curse God for taking my kids. It is because I don't believe, that I don't do everything his God requires, so Cyrus getting sick is my FAULT. If only I was a better person. Organized religion is a plague on society.

Will he Remember

Will he recall?

Will he recall?

When he was small?

The trips to the coast?

You caught the most?

The many drives to the lake?

Papa’s bear for God’s sake?

Will he remember?

The fun every December?

Waiting up for Santa Clause?

Riding the motorcycle at Papa’s?

Our trips every year to Red Bluff?

Breaking the steers tough?

Will he be reminiscence?

His mind showing puissance?

The simple jokes he told at the table?

When our life was fun and stable?

Our trip to Denver to listen to Dylan?

Will his mind be willin’?

Styx and Def Leopard for the 1^st time?

That Boy Scout Climb?

How much I love him?

All before it seemed so grim?

That's the night the lights went out in Nyssa

Monday night Harlen had a meeting in Ontario for 4H. At about 7:30pm Cyrus walked in our house. He was not himself, well not what he was 3 months ago. He was spitting mad. He wanted to take all the family games and sell them. He started in on calling me names. Giles and Maya tried to protect their mama and Cyrus went after them. He called Maya bad names and threw Giles to the ground. He threw our barstools down and stomped them until they were broken. I was so scared for my kids. Giles called True and True came up and broke most of the fight. It was horrible. My PTSD is full throttle. Cyrus left and Harlen came home. Everyone wanted me to call the cops but I couldn't do it. I couldn't watch him being handcuffed and taken away.

Today is another day. True somehow by the grace of God has got Cyrus to the Dr. He said he would take the medicine if Cyrus would. Sometimes you just know you have raised a great kid. Maya and Giles stood up to Cyrus and tried to protect me. They showed their love in a great way. I hope this chapter in our lives ends soon. I am exhausted.

Fear

A new year

A well known fear

The future isn t clear.

Hoping death is near.

I put up a good fight.

The victory is never in sight.

In the darkness ,little light.

Everything I try nothing is right.

I am exhausted from trying.

My eyes are dry from crying.

My mind tires of lying .

My thoughts centered on dying.

I am a failure in every way.

Good intentions everyday.

A lifetime crushed with what you say.

Never again will life be okay.

A noose would be sufficient.

A gun, I am proficient.

Tylenol, the most efficient.

Ask God he is omniscient.