Today I just need an ear to listen.....I am not looking for you to fix me. Happy birthday Giles!

It's Giles's 17th birthday today. Another milestone in this family, and I can choose whether this milestone pulls me further into the abyss or I can celebrate that we all made it this far. I love this kid. He is amazing. He gets treated horribly by authority figures because of his hair and his inability to cow tow to the bullshit that attacks him. He is so strong, yet he loves to be told how proud you are of him. He treats with respect those who deserve it, but certainly is smart enough to ascertain those who don't. He is hilarious and plays the worst music in the world, but he loves it, and I love it when he smiles. He has experienced 2 more years than Loughlin did. 17 more years than Rhiannon did. There is the stone that sinks me further. I think I will just float on my back and rest a while. The deep can wait.

My Punishment

MY PUNISHMENT

Last night I had the most vivid dream.

A nightmare full of terror it seemed.

My hands, and my feet were tied to a post.

Above me floated my dead son’s ghost.

The fire burned high and hot all around.

The crackling of the embers was heard, the only sound.

Guilty of killing my oldest son.

It’s the last thing I would have ever done

The whole town cheered at the sight of my demise.

If only they could have seen that day through my eyes.

Their judgement might be different than guilty and death.

The pain is excruciating. I barely catch a breath.

I feel my skin sizzle in the blistering flames.

I am she, whom the whole world blames.

As the heat engulfs me I devour this punishment.

My soul senses a complete replenishment.

After years of agony my spirit finally embraces the release.

Life exiled, head slumped, I am finally at peace.

Rock Bottom

My life, I picture as a cavern in the middle of the ocean. This cavern is deep, deep as the deepest part of the ocean. It has ridges and cliffs on all sides. It must be like that. The bottom has never been seen. It is unknown territory. I say all of this because I hear people whisper, she has hit rock bottom. Yet there is no bottom, well I haven;t felt it yet. I fell as a child when my coach molested me in the pool. I was low. The rocky edges cut and scraped me, but the water receded and I lived for a while. I didn't learn  though. I hated myself, I was dirty and I tried to cleanse my soul with tequila or rum or really anything I could find. Passed out on the bed I am raped and only wakeup to smell his horrible smell. The smell that I will never forget, I still heave when I smell it. OMG that had to be rock bottom. I fell far and deep but I survived. I was bruised, physically, I was cut wide open, figuratively, I was filthy now. What was ever the point in caring about anything. I was good at being bad. I liked it in the dark. I loved it in the cold depths of my sea. Then there was the pregnancy and Rhiannon and her death. That had to be rock bottom. But it wasn't. I looked for anything to ease my pain. The cliff was steep and narrow. I couldn't stay there long. I swam to the surface. I married Harlen and started a beautiful family. Life was wonderful for a while, but then one Fall morning I was thinking of other things and in a hurry to get back home to make a dessert for Mike's funeral. I didn't see the truck. I drove the same road every morning for thousands of mornings, but this morning was different. I don't remember the truck, but I remember the bloody aftermath. I remember watching my kids suffer more than any child should ever have to. This had to be rock bottom. I kept slipping down further. I made so many poor choices, falling farther. There is no way out of this one. I have been drowning for so long, 10 years without a real breath, a hearty one that fills your lungs and recharges every cell in your body. So many people try to pull me out, but I believe this is where I belong. Others, evil, uncaring Fucks like the policeman in Nyssa they enjoy pushing you down further, before you can get a breath. They push your kids down. I have found my new bottom. I am a killer to people in this town. I am making a 4 yr plan to get the hell out of this hole. Lea graduates and we are gone, a fresh start, a fresh move, I have something to look forward to.

100 random Mormon mothers or a compliment for your wife

How hard do you believe it would be for your significant other to accept a compliment about your wife being the nicest Mormon at the reception. To which my son said My mom isn't really very nice and she isn't really a Mormon. Funny huh? Well I thought it was funny, but I guess not for everyone because it is too hard to comprehend that someone thinks your wife is nice, especially nicer than those perfect Mormons.Why are you with me? Sinking deeper.........

What a f-up religion

So many kinds of floods

Yesterday a pipe broke in our basement and we ended up with about 8 inches of water throughout. Water in a basement engulfs everything, every corner, every crevice. If there are dead little creatures lurking behind the water heater or in a bag you haven't opened in 8 years the emerge. It is very revealing.
This flood showed me so many things. It showed me that I haven't been in the basement physically, mentally, but most of all emotionally. A Brachiosaurus was floating in the middle of Giles's room. Who knows where he came from. He once was Loughlin's, then Cyrus's, then True's. Where has he been? Where has all these left over clothes been? 8 years, My God, Where have I been? Where has my life been? Where has Loughlin been? Where are my kids? Where did they go, not physically, but where did my other 5 kids go?

Maya came home from school so upset. The baseball coach is not going to let her take stats this year. I learned she is a girl, and a boy would be better. WTF I guess everything I taught her about having the same rights her whole life was bullshit. I am pissed. Can you tell? She has very few things in her life she loves, baseball is one of them. She can't play it anymore because of her TBI, but at least she could be a part of this team. Did I say I am pissed? Give her a break. She deserves it, for once.

Now the floodgates are open. The tears are falling once again. I am so exhausted. Surgery to the Sale to the Funeral to the Delivering Bulls to a Flooded Basement.

Is this a normal life? I don't remember having chose this life. The sadness is here again. Relief is what I want.

Giles in the Lion's Den, wait throw Maya too.

I am struggling with a decision that Giles, and Harlen, and me unwillingly have made. Giles wants to play football, not because he loves the game, but because it is the thing to do if you are cool in high school. I hate my kids playing football for Nyssa High School. There is no way in hell that the benefits out weigh the drawbacks. 1st and foremost the likelihood of a head injury is great. After dealing with 8 years of the negative results of a head injury with Maya and even Cyrus, I do not want there to even be a chance of this happening to Giles. I worry constantly about this.
The 2nd and most convincing reason is that I have lost my collective mind. The coach is an ass. There is no other way to put it. He berates these young boys. I believe he actually enjoys hurting some of these kids lives, not all, if you are an under privileged boy whom he thinks he can change your life and get credit for it. He is all in, but I guess losing your brother in a horrible car wreck and your family going to hell and back doesn't quite pass the test. He was bad to Loughlin, horrible to Cyrus, and the things he said to True were Nasty and could be criminal.
 I had to go to blue & white night yesterday. I sat in the hot sun listening to this man tell everyone how much he cares for the kids. OMG I can't breath.  I can feel the bile erupt in my throat. I am sick, physically sick. I want to run, throw Maya in the wheelchair, grab Giles and get the hell out of there. I want to get him far away from this self-righteous predator. But that isn't enough for this mom. Maya is asking if she can take stats for the football team. She can't play sports anymore so this is her alternative, not one but two kids will be in the grasp of this POS.  Is this how the parents of ancient times felt when they were asked to sacrifice their kids to the Gods? (I know a little over dramatic, and he is far from a God) but just another mountain to climb, another lesson learned, another parenting skill failed. Jail might be worth it.

Bullying/Abuse 10/28/2015

How do I start this post? I am disheartened. I have had problems with teachers and coaches in the past, my past and my kids' past, but this is WOW!

Last week on the anniversary of Loughlin's death the football coach( I use that word lightly) called True out of weights class to ask him, how many kids on the team liked True. True answered a lot, there my friends. He got in his face and said really how many? True answered, they like me. Then the coach told True not a single kid on the team liked True(not that nice). True is a big kid, 6ft. 3in. but he was crushed. He gave 4 years of his life to this man. He thought there was a mutual respect, even though when now pressed he knows he was an asshole for the whole 4 years.He always treated True poorly.

This the same man who took Loughlin's position away from him because he couldn't go to football camp for a week because we were haying. Loughlin quit soon afterwards, very smart.

This the same man who gave Cyrus a "C" in PE because he said Cyrus forgot his clothes, even though I had packed his bag the entire time and knew it wasn't true. I asked to see the records that he bragged he had and he told me to come by later, but I received a phone call from him saying he had conveniently threw the ledger away. Cyrus was a 4.0 student before this.

So much anger is pinned up inside me. I am not going to publish this until after the State game on Friday. I don't want to bring further angst down on my son. 

As a mom who has lost 2 children it is so hard for me not to hate this man, not to wish something horrible would happen to him, even hire someone to make him feel the way he has made my kids feel. It is sad. True loved football before him, loved! He excelled on every team.

This man also pulled True out of class many times in the last 2 years to push an LDS mission on him, during school hours, on school property. Clearly a violation of the Separation of Church & State.