Rock Bottom

My life, I picture as a cavern in the middle of the ocean. This cavern is deep, deep as the deepest part of the ocean. It has ridges and cliffs on all sides. It must be like that. The bottom has never been seen. It is unknown territory. I say all of this because I hear people whisper, she has hit rock bottom. Yet there is no bottom, well I haven;t felt it yet. I fell as a child when my coach molested me in the pool. I was low. The rocky edges cut and scraped me, but the water receded and I lived for a while. I didn't learn  though. I hated myself, I was dirty and I tried to cleanse my soul with tequila or rum or really anything I could find. Passed out on the bed I am raped and only wakeup to smell his horrible smell. The smell that I will never forget, I still heave when I smell it. OMG that had to be rock bottom. I fell far and deep but I survived. I was bruised, physically, I was cut wide open, figuratively, I was filthy now. What was ever the point in caring about anything. I was good at being bad. I liked it in the dark. I loved it in the cold depths of my sea. Then there was the pregnancy and Rhiannon and her death. That had to be rock bottom. But it wasn't. I looked for anything to ease my pain. The cliff was steep and narrow. I couldn't stay there long. I swam to the surface. I married Harlen and started a beautiful family. Life was wonderful for a while, but then one Fall morning I was thinking of other things and in a hurry to get back home to make a dessert for Mike's funeral. I didn't see the truck. I drove the same road every morning for thousands of mornings, but this morning was different. I don't remember the truck, but I remember the bloody aftermath. I remember watching my kids suffer more than any child should ever have to. This had to be rock bottom. I kept slipping down further. I made so many poor choices, falling farther. There is no way out of this one. I have been drowning for so long, 10 years without a real breath, a hearty one that fills your lungs and recharges every cell in your body. So many people try to pull me out, but I believe this is where I belong. Others, evil, uncaring Fucks like the policeman in Nyssa they enjoy pushing you down further, before you can get a breath. They push your kids down. I have found my new bottom. I am a killer to people in this town. I am making a 4 yr plan to get the hell out of this hole. Lea graduates and we are gone, a fresh start, a fresh move, I have something to look forward to.