What can I do?

The new bone marrow biopsy came back with double the amount of leukemia cells in the marrow than when Harlen started. It was devastating news. He started a new chemo on Wednesday. We have it and a trial drug left. It is hard not to be negative. I wish there was something I could do to change this. Harlen is getting tired. He is only 52. His life has so much more to live. We have so many plans for the future. Alaska with the boys, Europe with me, Grandchildren. It just isn't fair. So many prayers on his behalf have been said. We have to have good news soon. Please God let us keep him here on Earth.

Migraines

I know I have talked about my migraines in the past, but I am having a bad one today, yesterday, the day before and most debilitating tonight. It is 1:30 am. this is way past my bedtime. I can't afford to have one right now. I am Harlen's caretaker. What if they think I cannot do this. He has to have a caregiver 24/7 after the transplant. Am I up for this task? I miss home. I miss the kids and my grandson. I miss my life before cancer. I almost have forgotten what that life was like then. Then I feel guilty for feeling crappy when Harlen is in the fight of his life. What kind of wife am I? You have to step up I keep telling myself. This is his. I can't keep raining on his torrential downpour. I watch him sleep and imagine what a horrible life it would be without him. He is sick. Sometimes he is really sick, but he is sick all of the time. Cancer sucks! Funny how people only think of cancer when it affects their circle. "You know that guy down the road with all those kids? He has cancer." or "She is only 35. How come she is dealing with this?" or even "Did you hear about Joe? He died last night with his family all around." How long do you think of these people fighting this horrible disease? How many times in a day do you wonder if they are going to make it? It never leaves my mind. Just like Rhiannon and Loughlin never leave my mind. Maybe the migraine is caused from lack of space in my brain.

 I am rambling tonight I know, but I am 6 hrs away from the only Dr. I trust and I am miserable.
I went to do a batch of laundry. Crazy I know, but I can't sleep and I can't watch Harlen sleep anymore. Too many thoughts are in my mind and I don't like any of them.

The Bull Sale - Harlen

We have had some hard sales in the past, after Val died, after Loughlin died, and after Deanie died, but this is going to be the hardest yet. Harlen is back in the hospital with complications from the chemotherapy. We will be doing this sale without him. He is our rock. He has always been the provider, but True stepped up, and Giles stepped up and the girls are miraculous.. We need to make him proud, take the stress off of him. Pray for a good turnout. We need it.

God only asked Noah for 40 days and 40 nights

Today is day 34 in the hospital. I am exhausted. I just wrapped Harlen's PICC line so he could shower. I am not a nurse. I have never wanted to be a nurse. I never cared to know what a PICC line is or what it does. He has a port too. It's in the right side of his chest. It is for blood or platelets or poison or whatever the hell they want to put in him. We were so excited for a clean bone marrow biopsy, but now his numbers won't come up and the Dr. today gave us little hope on what they could do next. Did I mention I am tired?

On top of it all we are trying from 70 miles away to compose the bull sale catalog. It is virtually impossible. My mind is so cloudy from stress and anxiety that I am having a hard time remembering numbers from one source to get to the other source. It is a long process on a normal year and takes most of my energy. I am sucking at it.

Harlen is down. He is talking like he is planning for an end result that I cannot put my head around. I can't think through this. I can't imagine a life without him in it, but if his numbers don't come up there isn't much more they can do for him. UGH The words came out of my mouth. My God it is your turn to step in. I know you aren't accustom to being told what to do, but I am tired of asking. I am tired of pleading. I need the father of my children in my life, in their life. I need a happy ending. I need what is left in my family to stay in this family.Was cancer your idea? Because I have to tell you if it was it blows.

There is hope and then it is crushed, then there is hope, but it is squashed, then there is real hope, but it was just pretend, then there really is hope, but it never was hope. It was just words, and words are empty and hollow and ugly.

I still have hope the Dr.'s are wrong because seriously when have they been right?

I believe I would rather have 2 of every species living amongst me.

Bone Marrow came back Clean

Harlen's bone marrow came back clean of all cancer in his last biopsy. We are still in the hospital and will be until his good cells start doing their job. Then we are off to Utah for the stem cell transplant that should have been done back in November. But the great news is we have more hope with each passing day. He is still having hard days with fevers, aches and chills, but they are lessening which is a good sign.

Why not me?

I just have a simple question. Why not me? Harlen is so loved by so many. He does such an awesome job at being positive. He is a supreme provider for our family. The kids love him. Did I mention that everyone who knows him loves him. Mark Twain said " No one is a failure that has friends"

I am the opposite, and I am sure that people are whispering the question across the sphere. Why not her? She has made so many awful choices and mistakes in life. You're right it should be me. It should have always been me.11 years ago it should have been me. Hell 31 years ago it should have been me.Why can't it be me?

28th Anniversary

Tonight I am tired and sad. The end

We have a Match

The Stem Cell Transplant Team at St. Luke's found two donors for Harlen and the transplant will be in 4-5 weeks. I am feeling blessed and overwhelmed but also scared and hesitant at the same time. Please pray for a positive outcome. We now need to find a place to live in the Boise area for 3 months.

I would encourage all of my readers to go to the Be The Match website and become a donor if you are under 45. If not donate blood. Harlen needs transfusions weekly. You could be the one who saves a life. Thank you in advance.

https://bethematch.org/

A Full Life

I'm am writing from the confines of the 3rd floor at St. Luke's hospital. Harlen spiked a fever on Thursday and this is where we ended up. He went for his fourth intravenous chemotherapy and had a fever of a 102.9. They sent us to the Emergency room then he was transported to Boise. It was really hard on him for 2 days. His hemoglobin was down to 6.7 when we arrived in Fruitland, after one transfusion it didn't budge at all. He had another transfusion tonight hopefully it works and he can get a little bit of energy to manage harvest. Tonight he is finally resting and feeling better. Leukemia really sucks. He is so strong. I love him more than ever.

In the meantime, Lea won Sophomore Homecoming Princess. Thank God the coronation and Parade was on Wednesday this year. We were lucky enough to enjoy with her celebrating her crowning. She was so cute.  Here are two videos and a very cute photo. Tonight Cyrus filled in for Harlen to walk Lea out on the football field. It was so sweet. Susan Schulthies and Teniele helped us facetime the event so we could watch it from the hospital room. I can't wait for the video.

https://www.facebook.com/harlenkendalee.garner/videos/2737556759590802/?t=6



https://www.facebook.com/harlenkendalee.garner/videos/2738101159536362/?t=2

Thursday was also Loughlin's 26th birthday. We haven't been able to celebrate yet, but hopefully soon. Life seems to have a way of getting in the front of traditions sometimes. Happy Birthday Loughlin. We love you so much and miss you everyday. Life will never be the same without you.

Am I Ready?

I feel pressured to take giant steps in my renewed belief in God. I like to live life in the slow lane, but I feel a constant question from the other side to rethink what happened last Sunday. Today the bishop asked me if I wanted a temple recommend. What? I have only taken the sacrament twice in 11 years and today is one of them. Why not? I am not doing anything against the standards of the church. I am a cloned Mother Theresa. I jest, but really the standards are not my problem. My problem is with God and the life I have been given. I feel like a cry baby sometimes, but it has been rough and there is not much sunshine for future days. In fact we are in a fight for our lives again. Harlen is looking at a year before he will be back to his norm. The transplant is being set up for about 2 months from now with all of the testing between him and the donor. Then it is 5 weeks in the hospital followed by 100 days living within a 30 minute drive to the hospital. We still have Giles and Lea at home. Our plan is to have Maya move home to take care of them while Harlen is in recovery. Giles is a senior. This is going to be interesting trying to juggle every event. But first things first Harvest is here and how will we do it all? One day at a  time and now I will be doing it in garments. Wow things change fast. I have felt naked lately. I guess it is time.

Rhiannon's birth dad was killed in an airplane crash on Wednesday. Kenneth was just 50 with 4 children and a loving wife that need him. How is this part of a plan?

After my recommend interview I was engulfed in ugliness. I was angry and shaking and scared wondering if I had done the right thing. It passed with Harlen by my side. There is peace in our home again. Peace in my heart. I am hopeful Harlen will make it through this. the odds mean nothing.

My day with a Seventy

Readers of this blog know the pain and bitterness I have had since Loughlin died, hell since Rhiannon died, since I was raped, since I was molested. I felt I was unworthy to be in the presence of others. I felt unloved. I felt like I was being punished for my horrible sins. Then when Harlen was diagnosed I wondered why it wasn't me or was that just another trial for this family.

But on Sunday a member of the Seventy came to visit our family. Everyone came to church. Cyrus, McKayla, True, Katlyn, Maya, Juve, Giles and Lea. Elder McCune came to talk to our family. He asked first if anyone had any questions. Harlen about bruised my ribs trying to get me to talk. I asked my prodding question that lingers in my mind for years. If there was a loving Heavenly Father that actually cared about us here on Earth, whether I was being punished for my bad choices, I was really asking if God knew me. He spent 35 minutes of his hour with us addressing my question. the spirit was divine in that room and I felt like the Savior was there. He told me God loves me, that I have a huge heart and that it is Satan putting the doubts in my mind and my heart, blaming me for my children's death, beating myself up, making me feel unworthy of being loved. Satan is still working on me as I write down my experience. I have been so low that I thought I would never feel the warmth of the Son again. I hated myself for so many years. He told me none of this was true and Christ's atonement made it possible for me to feel his love again. I felt a peace that was lacking for most of my life.

He then gave Harlen a blessing promising that he would see his grandbabies, plural. We have a different spirit in our home now. It is peaceful. It is hopeful. There is unconditional love for we all know #FamilyIsEverything .

CHrIStmAS LeTtEr

Merry Christmas 2018

Lea is a Freshman and made the varsity volleyball team.

She never stops moving, involved in everything it seems.

The voice of an angel, yet the attitude of a lil’ devil.

Her achievements this year would make anyone revel.

Giles loves fast cars and can tell you everything about their horsepower.

He watches videos on how to make his eclipse faster for hours.

His baseball season seemed to last forever

Which pitch he should throw, man he is clever.

Maya graduated from high school and journeyed off to college.

To fill her head with mush and maybe some knowledge.

Getting great grades, missing her family, she has had quite a quarter.

Coming back to work at the school, she decided to make the drive shorter

True graduates in December with his associates, Business for Ag.

If personality gets a job, he has it in the bag.

He spends most his days with Katlyn hunting and fishing.

You can only imagine the wish his mom has been wishing.

Cyrus and McKayla have been married more than a year.

Happiness in life is what they appear.

Making his decision on what to do with his degree

Getting a job or a Masters, his future is free.

McKayla spends her day taking your blood pressure.

Being part of our family, she’s quite a treasure.

Harlen grew onions this year but the bulls are always on his mind.

He is always out looking for the best herd bull he can find.

He spends his free time with the kids and teaching the Word.

He does all of this and still takes care of our herd.

Exciting year for me, coaching softball for more than fifteen years.

Maya & I coached, in the end there were cheers.

For the 1^st time in our history we won the county championship.

Not to brag, but we just didn’t win we slaughtered. We whipped.

With Loughlin and Rhiannon not far from our thoughts.

Remembering the memories, there are really a lot.

Christmas time brings peace to our hearts.

The time we spend together are always the best parts.

We hope this letter finds you healthy and content.

Please know of our love and friendship that it’s sent.

Merry Christmas

The Garner Family

V-A-L Charolais Ranch

The Creeping Darkness

There are so many things that have changed for me in the last two weeks. The biggest of which is I am happier. I actually am cleaning up my house, but that is going to take a while. I am so out of shape. Wallowing in self pity can certainly take it out of someone when it takes 10 years to snap out of it. I am tired though. I can feel the darkness creeping in and I hate it.

Volleyball season has ended for Lea, but she started pitching lessons last night. She will be starting pretty much from scratch. She wants to learn new and faster pitches so she is going to have to change almost all of her pitching technique. It is going to be a long process, but if anyone can do it, it is her.

Maya has decided to come back to TVCC for the Winter term. She is after all a mommy's girl. It will save her so much money and I really love her around.

Cyrus got all his paper work in and should be starting to substitute teaching soon. Maybe then he will know that is what he wants to do before starting the Masters program.

True and Katlyn spent 10 days on a elk hunt and saw nothing, so they froze their ass off for nothing. I am sure True still found fun in it.

Giles needs to improve his grades. He only cares about fast cars and cute girls. I hope he starts pitching soon.

Harlen has the corn and cow work left for this year. He is exhausted and we are talking about phasing us out of the farm. None of our kids want to take it over. He is too tired to do it all.

Please God keep these meds working. I love the new , old me.

Tomorrow is the 27th of October again

Ok tomorrow is the big bad day again. 10 years can you believe it? I can't. I have to say I can feel the sadness creeping in, but creeping is so much better than ramrodding. I should be sad. I should have triggers. Harlen is combining the same field with the same truck as the day of the accident, but I am ok with that. I have decided to stay home until he is finished. Why not? Why put yourself in that place? I miss Loughlin everyday. Everything around me reminds me what a great kid he was. He is gone and his chair at the table will never be filled, but that is just how it is. I can't fight the system anymore. I can't fight death himself. All I can do is try my hardest to raise the children that are here on this Earth. Try my best, and love my hubby everyday, even when he is a grump from the long hours of harvest. Tomorrow is that day but I miss Loughlin everyday, what is the difference?

A Reprieve from the endless negative thoughts

I have a very exciting update. After quitting Lithium I had a very bad 6 weeks. I was down. I was lower than I have ever been in my life. It was the time of year + the Nyssa cop accusing me of killing my son + no medicine = tornado. I was in hell. I thought of every way possible I could end my life, but it never ever rose to the level of killing myself. There is a wide line between not wanting to live and being dead. I never wanted to be dead.

Harlen finally talked me into seeing the doctor again. 2 weeks ago I went to my general. He put me on Depacoat with a tiny dose of zyprexa at night, along still with my prozac and valium when needed. I am a walking medicine cabinet, but the change is unbelievable. I am mostly me again. I am smiling, laughing, enjoying life.

 Homecoming for Giles was last week. I was so down I didn't even go take pictures. That seemed to be the straw.........











 even took the girls to see Donald J. Trump last Saturday. It was so much fun. He came to Elko, NV and I knew that was the closest he would come.

 

  





We also finished the onion harvest. What a relief. The rain was scaring us but we are done and grateful. Harlen even got me out there for 2 days. I am sore and my fingers are killing me from picking clods, but it felt good. But I am too old for that kind of labor. ugh

 

  Lea's last volleyball game was so much fun. They played so well. Way to end a terrific season, my lil Freshman Varsity Setter . You are beyond impressive! We love you ........

Fun times again. Planning a trip to the coast just before Christmas. I cannot wait to get a vacation in this year. Bella Beach, 2 houses, Lots of family, Lots of fun. Nothing like a Winter storm in December watching from a outside hot tub. I am so excited.

That's not me anymore

That’s not me anymore

I used to wake each day looking forward to a new endeavor.

I used to crack a joke. I was quick. I was clever.

That’s not me anymore.

I used to enjoy a huge crowd, eyes on me as I took the stage.

I read every book I could find and hung on every page.

That’s not me anymore.

I loved to cook all kinds of cuisine.

My house was never perfect, but it was clean.

But that’s not me anymore.

I loved the farm, the bulls, the cows and the lil calves.

Always content, never worried about the didn’t haves.

I’ll never be like that anymore.

I loved to watch my kids in everything they did.

Every song, every hit, every set, even when they slid.

It’s just not me anymore.

I loved my husband with every ounce of my soul.

We went everywhere together. Eternity was my goal.

That’s just not me anymore.

I can’t say I was always smiling, but the joy shined through.

Days I was down there was only just a few.

But I’m not like that anymore.

Back then I believed there was a God that cared about my life.

I believed in forever families and wanted to be a forever wife.

But I don’t believe like that anymore.

I spend days now wondering why I am even here.

All my mistakes and flaws are showing crystal clear.

Cuz that’s not my life anymore.

Getting out of bed each day shouldn’t be a struggle.

And at night I want to be alone. Never want to cuddle.

Happiness eludes me. I don’t feel it anymore.

I worry every moment, every day, every minute.

If this is it. I quit. I don’t want to be in it.

I don’t want to live anymore.

Venting........Puking.........

Do you know me? I’m the woman that killed her son.

It was an accident you say but resolution I feel none.

People spend a life locked away for stealing such a spirit.

You say it’s different this time, but I don’t want to hear it.

My hands shake because of the guilt.

So many hours I have knelt.

An empty soul is all I’ve built.

An offsuit I’ve been dealt.

All the darkness I have felt.

A decade of sorrow left a welt.

I can’t perform the easiest task.

I leave the house in Eleanor’s mask.

I drink the poison from his flask,

But it was never enough to ease this madness.

Never enough to end this sadness.

Look again I am but a shell.

I dwell on earth in a living hell

When will I hear the toll of the bell?

How long could one feel this way?

I visited your marker just yesterday.

The shame made me retch.

As I read the scripture that was etched.

“If you have done it unto the least of these……”

God remove it please.

I killed him, and he is gone forever.

This family will now never be together.

That's the night the lights went out in Nyssa

Monday night Harlen had a meeting in Ontario for 4H. At about 7:30pm Cyrus walked in our house. He was not himself, well not what he was 3 months ago. He was spitting mad. He wanted to take all the family games and sell them. He started in on calling me names. Giles and Maya tried to protect their mama and Cyrus went after them. He called Maya bad names and threw Giles to the ground. He threw our barstools down and stomped them until they were broken. I was so scared for my kids. Giles called True and True came up and broke most of the fight. It was horrible. My PTSD is full throttle. Cyrus left and Harlen came home. Everyone wanted me to call the cops but I couldn't do it. I couldn't watch him being handcuffed and taken away.

Today is another day. True somehow by the grace of God has got Cyrus to the Dr. He said he would take the medicine if Cyrus would. Sometimes you just know you have raised a great kid. Maya and Giles stood up to Cyrus and tried to protect me. They showed their love in a great way. I hope this chapter in our lives ends soon. I am exhausted.

Temple Trip

Fun night at the Temple open house. Harlen and I, Giles and Brenda plus Jenny Brenda's sister.

Then I tripped over the parking curb and cracked a rib. I am getting old.

The Poem I wrote for my Aunt Mary's funeral. I wrote it for her. It isn't what I beleive

When a life is lost

There is a physical cost,

A longing, a yearning a complete heartache.

Yet, Hope is on the horizon, like the sun at daybreak.

The future holds a promise from heaven above.

Offered from our Savior, out of pure, unadulterated love.

He knelt at the Garden of Gethsemane while his friends slept.

He took upon himself all our sins and pain, while the angels wept.

Christ gave his own life so we could forever live,

In God’s presence a gift, He could only give.

So our families will dwell in the eternities together.

Because love never ends but goes on and on forever.

If only we would live our lives in service of one another.

Giving all we have and sharing it with our brothers.

Mary was a Saint who helped anyone in need.

She never followed, but always took the lead,

Her family was her greatest joy, it extended very wide.

Her sons took the greatest part, always by her side.

The daughters she later called her own

The bond was firmly sown.

Her grandchildren she loved each one for who they are..

Her Sisters and her Brothers, in her mind, were never far.

She happily took care of Harvey after her mom passed away.

Losing Susie and her mom were certainly the saddest days.

Her reach didn’t end there but touched the hearts of many friends.

Her influence as an Aunt will never, ever end.

You see Mary was exactly what He meant when He said, “Come follow me”,

And what we all strive to be when we are on bended knee.

Her presence will be forever missed.

We will always remember that last hug and that last kiss.