That's not me anymore

That’s not me anymore

I used to wake each day looking forward to a new endeavor.

I used to crack a joke. I was quick. I was clever.

That’s not me anymore.

I used to enjoy a huge crowd, eyes on me as I took the stage.

I read every book I could find and hung on every page.

That’s not me anymore.

I loved to cook all kinds of cuisine.

My house was never perfect, but it was clean.

But that’s not me anymore.

I loved the farm, the bulls, the cows and the lil calves.

Always content, never worried about the didn’t haves.

I’ll never be like that anymore.

I loved to watch my kids in everything they did.

Every song, every hit, every set, even when they slid.

It’s just not me anymore.

I loved my husband with every ounce of my soul.

We went everywhere together. Eternity was my goal.

That’s just not me anymore.

I can’t say I was always smiling, but the joy shined through.

Days I was down there was only just a few.

But I’m not like that anymore.

Back then I believed there was a God that cared about my life.

I believed in forever families and wanted to be a forever wife.

But I don’t believe like that anymore.

I spend days now wondering why I am even here.

All my mistakes and flaws are showing crystal clear.

Cuz that’s not my life anymore.

Getting out of bed each day shouldn’t be a struggle.

And at night I want to be alone. Never want to cuddle.

Happiness eludes me. I don’t feel it anymore.

I worry every moment, every day, every minute.

If this is it. I quit. I don’t want to be in it.

I don’t want to live anymore.

Blue Lives Matter......... Not really....... Not anymore than anyone else.... Not really at all

I know I should talk about Fair last week. I know I should put up cute pictures of Giles and Lea showing their steers and put on that fake smile I keep in a jar by the door, but I can't. I want to tell you a very different tale. A tale of chivalry and braveness. A tale of stalwartness and courage. This would be my son Giles.

On Friday night August 3rd, 2018, Giles was pulled over by the Nyssa police. They said he was called in by an anonymous source because they thought he was drinking. The problem is Giles does not drink and he had just left us at Fair 15 minutes previous to take his girlfriend home. We had been playing cards in the motor home. It was around 11:30 pm. This is a normal time to leave the Fair. The kids are required to stay all day, and to feed their animals before they went home. They would be back at 6-6:30 am. It is a long week and this was the 5th day. The source of the phone call cannot be released. (Info from the cops). He was put through the regular asinine sobriety tests. (Why didn't he just blow into a breathalyzer?) Anyways........ After he passed everything, the lead cop asked the rest of the 5 cops, yes 5 cops for a 16 yr old boy, guilty of nothing, to turn off their bodycams. (What that only happens on TV, or in major cities against black men!) Well guess what the struggle is real. Officer Armenta then proceeded to berate my son. He told him he was a shitty driver. (Giles has never even had a ticket.) He yelled more and more until he came to the climax of his tantrum, That he was helping. He didn't want another accident to happen since Giles's mom killed her son. Yes I killed Loughlin. I know I say it, but no one else can say that. It was supposed to be an accident, not my fault, but here was a man in blue yelling, screaming at my son, that I killed my son. 

Giles lost it. He told that son of a bitch that he cannot talk about his brother. He did not know his brother. He had no right to speak his name. At this time Giles was crying. He told me he wanted to be strong and not show his emotion, but that fucker broke him. He didn't just break him. He broke me. He took away 9 years of counseling in his little craziness. For three days all I can think about is the accident. In my mind are images of Loughlin dead, his brain matter leaking on the seat, his brothers Giles and True having to climb over him to get out of the suburban. 10 years of not having Loughlin here and this prick thinks he can do this to this family. See I believe in vengeance as does your Lord. 

the Chief of Police has been nice, but nice is not what I need. I want his badge. I want him to suffer as we have. I want him to lose a child and grieve for the rest of his life. I want him to feel years of guilt. I want him to beg on his knees for this not to be true.  

They say this is emotional distress at the hands of the great men in blue. I say 6 officers watched this happen and did nothing until the next morning when a few broke the blue wall, and then a few more. You see Giles was telling the truth and turning off their bodycams is against the law, and to what end? To scare a 16 yr old into being a better driver, wait Giles is a good driver. Power is a funny thing.

The Chief has a quote by Edmund Burke on his Facebook wall. It says"  All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing". But I just visited his page and it is gone, co put. Is that a sign that he, also, is not going to do what is necessary to fight the triumph of evil? Well the tea leaves tell a fascinating story.  I am sure they are getting their ducks in a row, because Hell hath no fury, wait Don't mess with a mother bear, because I will do everything to protect the cubs I still have. I have always bocked at authority, because " "Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Great men are almost always bad men." Lord Acton. 

I am in the process of seeing what can be done to right this wrong. Maybe an attorney, he will have a free one. Even the ACLU is on my list, my arch-enemy, but my family is more important than my ideals. 

Nyssa Police Department Mission Statement:"Honor, Integrity and Service "

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Venting........Puking.........

Do you know me? I’m the woman that killed her son.

It was an accident you say but resolution I feel none.

People spend a life locked away for stealing such a spirit.

You say it’s different this time, but I don’t want to hear it.

My hands shake because of the guilt.

So many hours I have knelt.

An empty soul is all I’ve built.

An offsuit I’ve been dealt.

All the darkness I have felt.

A decade of sorrow left a welt.

I can’t perform the easiest task.

I leave the house in Eleanor’s mask.

I drink the poison from his flask,

But it was never enough to ease this madness.

Never enough to end this sadness.

Look again I am but a shell.

I dwell on earth in a living hell

When will I hear the toll of the bell?

How long could one feel this way?

I visited your marker just yesterday.

The shame made me retch.

As I read the scripture that was etched.

“If you have done it unto the least of these……”

God remove it please.

I killed him, and he is gone forever.

This family will now never be together.

The Conversation

Cyrus and McKayla came over to the house yesterday. We talked. We talked for 2 hours about a lot of things. He still blames me for so many things, but I don't think he hates me. I don't know if things will ever be the same. I love this child so much. I would easily give my life for him. If this was a fair world I would be able to take this from him. I deserve it. He deserves a good life, teaching, having kids, loving his music and his books. He has been through hell and back. If God was real I could sacrifice my mind for him to be healthy. Love should conquer all.

Down and out

1,2 shell
Ring the bell
Living hell
Clearance sale
On my life
Shitty wife
Trials rife
Sharp knife
Neck or wrist
Get the gist?
Moments missed
Feeling pissed
Nauseated
Ankles weighted
Looking dated.
Always hated.
Life's a clash.
An irritating rash.
beneath teeth gnash
Left recycled trash.
People try to save
Not realizing what I gave
2 in the grave.
Now 1 to his mind a slave.
Giving up is painless
No one's getting famous
Keeping up is brainless
No god I am faithless.

Fear

A new year

A well known fear

The future isn t clear.

Hoping death is near.

I put up a good fight.

The victory is never in sight.

In the darkness ,little light.

Everything I try nothing is right.

I am exhausted from trying.

My eyes are dry from crying.

My mind tires of lying .

My thoughts centered on dying.

I am a failure in every way.

Good intentions everyday.

A lifetime crushed with what you say.

Never again will life be okay.

A noose would be sufficient.

A gun, I am proficient.

Tylenol, the most efficient.

Ask God he is omniscient.

Today I just wanted to die

We are coming up on another one of Loughlin's birthdays. He would have been 24, but he isn't . He is dead. I have had one of those days. Those days when you think that you have had enough. The kind of day I have more than a couple of times a year. I had almost convinced myself to give up. My kids are doing well. They probably would be better off without me. I am doing bookwork that I hate, no that I despise. My anxiety is unbearable. I was even dreaming of ways to do it so that Harlen would still get the life insurance . He would be better without me. I can't breathe any longer. I want it to end.

2 hrs later, Lea has a volleyball game and life looks a little better. 

Maybe I can make it another day.

I will always be your mom........

I know you are no longer here.
I know I will never see you in this life again.
I know that my last memories of you were horrendous.
I know that no one understands the pain.
I know that no one understands the guilt.
It was me that saw you last.
It was me that spoke to you last.
It was me who was responsible for your well-being.
It was me who failed miserably.
It was me that changed your diapers, fed and clothed you.
It was me that showed you love everyday.
I will always be your mom.
But I will never get to hold you or kiss you.
I will never get to see your smiling face.
I will never see you graduate or get married or have kids.

I will never grow old reaping your blessings.

God everyday I wake up pleading for you to be home.
There are not miracles, nor God, nor Oden, nor Christ.
There is no heaven.
There is not even relief for the nightmare that is my life.
I am running hard but the reaper will not let go of my jacket.
He is laughing and I am panicked, popping the Valium to just be able to breathe.
Some days I go backwards, but I am on the uphill climb.

My Abyss

A few days ago our family headed up to the lake that is less than 40 minutes from our house. It has been a while since I have made the trip. The lake has been low, the boat doesn't ever seem to want to run when I am there, but the biggest reason I don't go is the road up there,

 



It is in my words treacherous. Harlen says I am over-exaggerating. I would say that I am being awful kind. The road at times is an easy 300 ft dropoff with no guards. It is slim, and there are always boats coming back down as you go up. It even brags of a one way tunnel that you cannot see the other end. I do not look out my window. I cannot. I breathe in and I really do not remember exhaling until we are at the top. We made it though.


It was everyone, everyone in the family was in the boat. Cyrus and McKayla received a big floatee for a wedding gift from True.  We put it by the rock side and Harlen took th boat for people to ski and knee board.

 

I was in the boat with Harlen. I had this overwhelming desire to swim to the float. It was about 3/4 of a mile. I haven't swam in years. I am 47 yrs old. Harlen informed me I was no spring chickee, but I just wanted to be alone in the water. I dove in without a life jacket. I started to swim freestyle. I swam hard for a while. It felt so good. About half way to the side I just stopped. I laid on my back and closed my eyes and just floated. I couldn't hear anything. I couldn't see anything. It was my own private abyss. I loved it. I could have stayed forever. It was so peaceful. It was the first solace I had felt in 8 years. I had peace in my soul. I want to go again. I want to feel nothing. The road was worth the tranquility.

This is a beautiful Place.

They Have it Worse

They Have it Worse

You think you got it bad there is someone who always has it worse.

They took your pride but they left your purse.

Is that supposed to make me feel better?

I could sit down and detail it in a letter.

You have no idea what I’ve been through.

Your eyes would cry a tear if you knew,

Or maybe you would talk the same way.

Judge me, then invite me to pray.

You think you know what it is like to walk in my shoes,

Do you know what it’s like to feel so blue?

To sit and wonder what your child would have been?

To question every moment, if not then?

Then times that by two and add abuse and a rape.

Are you astonished? Is that a gape?

Some have it worse, but some have it milder.

Some like it nice and some like it wilder.

Some think I’m a bitch, and some think I am kind.

I invite you to come inside my shady mind.

Then you’ll see the darkest, deepest corners,

Where they scream and claw at this greatest mourner.

I see my baby in my dreams.

She is perfect, life is what it seems.

But that dream fades and in comes the fear.

The reapers are all around. Their breath is near.

They take her away and leave me pleading.

She is fresh and I am still bleeding.

Then tease me with a greater life.

Hit me once, now hit me twice.

He was the flawless son.

His potential had just begun...

The harvester couldn’t take this one in the dark.

This time the jaws were as mean as a shark.

He left a scar that no one could hide.

He pilfered what was left inside.

The grim he took the future and left me blind.

Now who has it worst? Who can you find?

You know nothing about them, just as you know nothing about me.

Open your eyes and get off your worn knees.

God never made you judge over anyone.

You say he sent his Only Begotten Son?

That is for your mind not for mine.

Being on your knees weakens the spine.

So, tell me again how Some have it worse.

Because my life feels like it has been cursed.

I am not looking for your pity.

Asking you to get down and gritty.

I am not asking for anything at all.

You’re the reason I built a large wall.

To keep the Pharisees out and let no one else in.

Your words will not penetrate the skin.

Leave me alone and take your own course.

Empathy is one thing no one can force.

You can choose to be happy

As you know reading this blog I have chose not to have religion or god in my life. The pain and guilt attached to the two is more that I can handle. I choose not to believe in a God that closes his eyes and ignores the suffering of his creations on Earth. I am constantly looking for something that will ease this pain and longing of losing two children.

Today is the day Rhiannon died. 29 years ago she left me. She was laying next to me in bed. I woke up to find her cold and blue with blood coming from her nose. The images never leave my mind. So the day after Memorial day I am grieving like it was yesterday, but I have been grieving for what seems an eternity. One of Maya's friends is pregnant. She brings back so many memories for me. She sang in her last choir concert. She graduated. She stands proud. I want to put my arms around her and tell her to take everyday as a gift, to love that little girl, to take picture after picture. Not to be like me and take life for granted, to not take pictures, and to hold her every minute of every day.

The person who should be my biggest supporter has grown tired of my sadness and depression. He yelled at me and told me it has been long enough. He said 9 years is time enough to get over the death of my son. I said that I still haven't done it in 29 years. I cannot choose to be happy. There are days I am happy. I am coaching Lea's softball team again this year. I love it. I am happy some of the time, but some times I am paralyzed with the panic, anxiety and sadness. Some days I have a hard time getting out of bed. It makes me feel worthless. It makes me feel like I will never be normal again. Do you think I choose to be debilitated? He has diabetes. I told him he should choose not to have diabetes. I don't see a difference. I do not choose to have PTSD. I do not choose to be paralyzed when sirens go off. I do not choose to have uncontrolled shaking when a cop is behind me. I do not choose to have tremors so bad I can't write the roster for my softball team. I do not choose any of them. I do not chose to be miserable, but some days I am.

I did not choose to be sexually abused.

 I did not choose to lose my virginity to a 30 year old man who raped me when I was passed out drunk at 16.

 I did not choose to lose my baby girl when I was alone at the age of 18 and I did not choose to drive into a parked farm truck killing my handsome son, injuring 3 of my other children. I did not choose it. I am doing the best I can. 

Please don't place more guilt on me. Please don't knock me down further. Don't hold my head deeper under the water. I am losing consciousness. I am drowning. It doesn't matter the amount of time that passes, 9 years, 29 years, 31 years, or 38 years. I am doing the best I can. It may not be what you think is the best I can, but I am trying everyday I get out of bed. Everyday I love my babies. Everyday I do what I can to help them in their lives. If they call I am there for them. I am happy for Cyrus and his upcoming nuptials. I have the invitations done.

So there it is. Whatever you hear in church or on your radio Christian shows it is not true. I am not able to CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY.  These people , these church leaders and speakers think they know. I hope one day that diseases of the mind will be treated with the same attitude as diseases of the any other part of the body. PTSD cannot be prayed away. It cannot be wished away. There is no magic  cure, no blessing that will miraculously fix it. It is a difficult and excruciating process to be able to function in this world. I take my medicine. I see my counselor. I am trying.

I just wish the world could understand. I wish my loved ones could too. But just like CHOOSING to be happy it isn't that easy. If only I could choose I would.

The Cemetery

I really have memory problems, but I can't remember the last time I have been to Loughlin's grave. I used to visit it often. I felt closer to him there. I believe that is because of the quietness that surrounds you there. It is surreal, well until some car or farm truck drives by and ruins the entire moment. They look at you like you are a freak. If you show your emotions, cry the looks make you feel like you are unstable, that you should have been over this. Almost 8 years and you are still crying for a son you killed, yes, yes, yes, I cry almost daily. I cry at my failures. I cry at what my life has become. I look for something to drowned out my agony. Alcohol, drugs, but I have other kids. I have to be strong, so I will just use my prescribed meds to relieve my hurt and anger and frustration at the process. Why the hell do I have do go through this twice?

Are you a mom? Can you feel my pain? Can you feel the loneliness even in a crowded room? Do you feel this anger? Scream with me. Let the world know how fucked up this is.

Loughlin and Rhiannon, I will never look upon your beautiful faces again. I am so tired..........

Coming Across another Accident

Most Wednesdays I travel to Boise to see my PTSD doctor. This Wednesday I left early because Lea needed a dress. I wanted to stop at Ross. As I was getting a drink at the Co-op in Parma I heard the sirens begin. I thought to myself I really have crappy timing. I get back in my car and there are so many sirens and cop cars and ambulances that I cannot think straight. There is an accident right outside of town. A mail van has been hit and their is a woman thrown from the vehicle on the ground, on a stretcher, another man lying next to her, but he must just be there to keep the victim calm. Life flight is on it's way. I see it in the distance. OMG I keep driving but the sounds and the thick air is all around me. I should probably pull over. I am in no shape to drive but the sirens would be blaring. The police keep passing me as I drive away from the accident, sheriffs, state police, city police, hey but on the upside they won't be pulling me over. (UPside)

I was lucky enough to have another panic attack. It took me an hour but I got myself through it. This process is slow, snail-like but it is getting a tiny bit better all of the time. Maybe one day I will hear a siren without my heartbeat beating out of my chest and my lips and my feet keeping their feeling.

The Sun in the Eastern Horizon blinds my eyes but not my mind to my failures and inadequacies.

Yesterday as I drove the kids to school, I descended our hill, the blaring ball of fire was so immense that I could not see in front of me again. ( I say again, at least I think again. I don't really remember why I hit that truck.) It's nice to have something other than me to blame. The sun is an inanimate object. I am sure he can take the heat.

The whole accident came back in full force. The what ifs drowned me in my own self despair. How could I let this happen? How is Loughlin dead? Just writing those words socks me in the stomach taking the air out of my lungs. Almost 8 years and I still haven't conquered the "Acceptance" step of grief. The weight is enormous today. Sunday Loughlin would be 23. My God is there so much difference between 15 and 23? So much time has passed but in my mind, which isn't that stable, it was yesterday, and yet how is Giles a Freshman? Is it understandable that Loughlin will be "Forever 15" and yet everyone else is growing older? I am older, so much older. I feel it everyday. I have friends running marathons, I can't run downstairs to get toilet paper. ( I am sure I can find something else that will work.)

I keep a page for Loughlin on Facebook. I feel like people hate when I am down and only want uplifting posts. WTF These are the shoes I was given to walk this long dirt road we call life. I guarantee if you want to try them on you will be as Anastasia in Cinderella. They will look like a comfortable fit until the truth is revealed. They are my shoes and mine alone. I am not happy that 2 of my kids are in the cold ground. I am angry. I am sad. I am hurt. I feel ripped off. You talk of your grand babies and your weddings and my kids are gone. My future is forever degraded. My life forever decayed. I am a realist. I always have been. The smile on my face is real, or if it is absent it is absent for a reason. I will not pretend. My incredible son is dead. How do you smile through that? I am not always a miserable wretch. I love my other kids. I love to watch their accomplishments. I love to hear them sing. I love to even hear them argue. I love all the things I missed with Rhiannon and Loughlin. So quit looking at me with that pity face, like you could handle this so much better.

Never a Dull Moment

I have had a very eventful week. Fair began last Tuesday. We took 7 steers this year in our group. I thought they were the best set of steers we have had in a while, but the judge thought otherwise. We were placed in the middle throughout the fair. That's ok. You can't win them all and certainly not when their are 70 steers.

On the 2nd day of the fair. Harlen and I wandered down to the food court to get a bite to eat. As I was relaxing I heard a women start moaning and another lady start to scream. I turned just in time to catch an older lady as she was having a seizure. She was stiff and her eyes were set. I just kept thinking please don't die on me. 20 minutes later the EMT's came to get her off of me. She made a recovery and left the fair later that night. C-R-A-Z-Y I know.

The fair ended on Saturday night and I knew I just had one day to get some clothes washed and things cleaned up a bit before Maya's hip surgery at 7:30 am on Monday morning. I went out to feed the dogs first off and on my way back in the house a wasp stung me. I am allergic. I rushed in the house and found my Epi-Pen. I hate having to give myself a shot. I am miserable from the medicine seeping through my veins. My leg feels like it is on fire for hours after, but the other choice isn't a choice. So my Sunday was spent just living, not doing.

5:30 am we left for St. Lukes Boise. The surgery finally began about 9:30. It was supposed to take 90 minutes but the old screw did it's best to stay in her femur bone. They ended up using vice grips to pull it out piece by piece. The femur bone was then sawed off and the end was then screwed back in. The top part of the of femur bone was shaved down to re-form the hip. The surgery took 2 12 hours and this mom was frantic. She finally was in recovery but in a lot of pain. I felt so bad for her. 2 nights in the children's ward at the hospital and we are home. She still has a lot of pain and my back is aching from lifting her up and down. It is going to be a long recovery, 6 weeks. Hopefully each day get better. I love her so much. She is so strong and brave.

The worst panic attack in years

I have had an interesting 7 weeks. I have felt sick for a lot of it, weak, lightheaded, nauseated, exhausted. Thy have performed a CVC on my blood 3 times. Nothing really telling but my white count is high. We tried a series of antibiotics but nothing changed in the white count.

My insurance booted Maya & me off for no proof of citizenship in the United States. I know haha but it has taken a while to prove our citizenship, actually we are not fully back on yet, but in the mean time my prescriptions came due. One of my meds is $460 for a refill without insurance. I decided I wasn't going to do it. I would go off cold turkey, just quit. It was horrible. I felt probably like a drug addict coming off heroine. I was shaking so bad I couldn't eat or drink without making a huge mess. It felt like my skin was a useless shell. I wanted to crawl out of it, peel it off. It was a rough 5 days. I made it though. I am back on my old med again. I am glad I went through it. My emotions are back. I have laughed more in the last week than I have in years. I have cried too, but at least I have both. Rhiannon's birthday and the stress of True's graduation and party are putting more weight on my shoulders and now softball has started. I am coaching 19 girls on Lea's team this year. Maya is helping but whew! That is stressful. We are 2-0 to start the season though.

Yesterday Lea hadn't felt good in the morning so I just kept her with me. We did a few errands around town. One of those errands was straightening out the workmen's comp insurance again....... The office is right across the street from the fire department...............
The sirens went off. It was deafening. I was paralyzed. I don't know if I actually took a breath once in the time it took me to get to the door. I wrote 2 checks and told them whatever happens just call me and I headed for the door. The siren seemed to blare for hours, days, decades. I made it to my car. Lea holding my hand the whole way. "It's ok mom',"Everybody is ok, mom" . I wanted to rush to my family. Check everyone. Do I dare drive? OMG when will this noise stop? Fire truck after fire truck rushing by. Is that an ambulance. I am sick. I am physically sick. My head is spinning. 'Just Breathe'. All I am required to do at this moment is breathe. I can do this. I don't have any meds with me. I have to do this. I have to pull it together. Who will get my kids? Who will coach the game? Who? Why does this still haunt me. I am back in the ambulance 7 yrs ago. My son is dead. I am back in my room 28 years ago my baby is dead. Why must their be the sound of the sirens? I am here. Where are my babies? Where is Harlen. What if they are going to them? What if it is them that is hurt, dead?  Breathe, you just have to breathe. My feet are numb. My hands are shaking. My lips are tingling. I have 5 minutes to get it together. 5 minutes to pick up the kids. OMG I am not going to make it. Loughlin is dead. Rhiannon is dead. The sirens, they won't stop. I plug my ears but I can still hear. I can still see them lying there, cold, dead. Breathe. Lea sing to me, just sing me a song, any song. Sing me your new song the one you made up last night. I love it. I love you so much. You are pulling me out. You are alive. Maya & Giles are fine. True & Kevin are with Harlen. Everyone is ok. I am going to make it. I am going to live. The panic is subsiding. The shaking is controllable. I will make it home. I will make it to the game and we will actually win. I conquered it.

Have I told you how much I hate sirens of any kind?

I can see where it happened

From my kitchen window I can see where Loughlin died. So time and time again while I eat or work on the computer or do homework with the kids or just relax with a hot cup of coffee, I see that spot. I feel the guilt building like bile in my stomach. I relive the accident minute by minute, second by second. I picture the graphic scene, my children hurt, maimed, dead. I hear the screams of my children for their dad. I hear my screams telling the world what I have done. This is PTSD. Funny I can't remember what time Maya's Dr.'s appointment is, but I can tell you every little element of that moment when our lives were changed forever. Your mind is a funny organ. I wish i had the power to just move those memories, like in Inside Out, into the memory dump, but it isn't that easy.

Life is cruel even when it's great. Cyrus is doing great at school....A's in his upper division classes. True is doing great too plus football is over forever (yeah) and it is goose hunting season. Maya is always having fun in life and she is so beautiful and talented in everthing she tries. Giles is adapting to school in Nyssa great. He is getting great grades and making new friends while keeping his old ones. Lea is blooming. Her voice is like listening to an angel. She has so many friends you can't keep track, but............... The guilt comes in, the I got ripped, or the nicer way I wish I could watch Rhiannon and Loughlin do some of these things. People will have the nerve to tell me I should be happy for what I have left. Sure that is like saying you lost both your legs but you still have your arms. Be happy. No it isn't like that because your legs weren't part of your heart and your soul and your dreams. All of that is gone.

Do I love my kids and all of their achievements? Of course but you don't have to be an intellect to know I can feel both.

My World

My World

My life is spinning out into space.

I think it shows in the lines on my face.

People are pulling and pushing.

If I fall there’s no cushion

Without the pins in it

No matter if you spin it.

There’s no oxygen in this room.

No place for my potential to bloom.

People are scratching and clawing.

My soul’s guilt it keeps gnawing.

If there’s peace I can’t find it.

My mind you can’t wind it

I want to let go

Where no one will know

Me and my dreams,

Frantic it seems.

I’m sending out my SOS.

How did I get to be such a mess?

I heard God is the answer.

I feel He's a cancer,

That only promises gifts,

If you just stay away from the cliff.

But if he is there he is pushing you closer

He is cheating And using a Dozer.

7 years and 7 favorite things

# 1 Loughlin's very favorite book. Every other one of my children have read it but Lea and I am sure it is just a matter of time until she finds it too.Maya's favorite too. 7 years on the 27th since he has been gone. I thought it would be fun to remember 7
 of his favorite things.

#2 Loughlin's favorite NFL team was the SanDiego Chargers and his favorite player of all time was LaDainian Tomlinson. He wore his jersey all of the time. Days when I miss him most I put it on. I wish I could still smell him but after 7 years it's just memories. ♡

#3 Loughlin had a lot of different favorite foods. He loved Pigs 'n' a blanket for breakfast(Link sausages wrapped in biscuits covered with white sausage gravy). He loved a great Bacon Cheeseburger, but his favorite meal always included Crab & Lobster. He loved to eat at Red Lobster every year for his birthday, and we still try to keep that tradition. When he was baptized they do a spotlight on the kids. He was asked his favorite food....All the other kids said Mac 'n Cheese or PB and J. Loughlin proudly said his was Lobster and Crab. It was pretty funny for an 8 year old who hadn't ate it very often. I miss this smart kid everyday.

#4 Loughlin loved the outdoors. He loved to hunt. The beautiful buck in the picture was his first and only. frown emoticon He loved to pheasant hunt and would even go alone when he couldn't find a partner. He loved to fish. He got that love from his Grandpa and his dad. He didn't only like to catch the fish but he loved to eat them. He would eat a good trout for breakfast when they were camping. True takes after his big brother and his Uncle Stacey. All these men would have had so much fun together. This is one 'favorite' that is so heartbreaking to remember and write about. heart emoticon Loughlin, Grandpa and Stacey are all so missed.

#5 Loughlin loved scouting. He and Cyrus were lucky and got to spend most of their time together because of their ages being so close. This video was of scout camp 2008. They had so much fun there. 

Funny story, one outing the troop went up above Keeney pass for a short hike. They were running back down the mountain and Loughlin gave Cyrus a lil' shove and Cyrus went tumbling. He had cactus quills everywhere. It was all in fun but Lough was scared to come home because he knew how mad I would be that Cyrus got hurt. I was always and overprotective momma bear. I miss you Loughlin and I miss your laugh so much.

#6 Loughlin was an incredible artist. He loved to make anything beautiful. These are 4 pieces we had framed. (The pictures of the art take away from the beauty, they are framed, and hanging down in the boys' room) The first is a Charcoal of an Avalanche. Cyrus loved these pick-ups and Loughlin drew it for him. The other three are scratchboards, T-Rex, Skeleton and the last is a Rino.(my favorite but when we found it it was in bad shape. He was talented in so many ways. My dad was an artist and Loughlin loved the fact that he was like his papa in that aspect.

 

#7 Loughlin loved his family. His two best friends lived right in the same room as him, Cyrus and True. He spent 98% of his time home or on the farm with his family. He was so caring. Even with the little ones he had so much patience. He called Lea his little monkey and she loved to be with him. Loughlin and Cyrus did everything together and True tagged along side. Mayaand Giles were always looking up to their big brother. He was a gentle soul that would have helped anyone in need. Today it has been 7 years since he died. 7 years of missing, 7 years of heartbreak, 7 years of longing., 7 years of remembering, 7 years of tears, 7 years of questions, 7 years of guilt, 7 years of one empty chair at the table, but 7 years of survival.