Trying
Saturday, October 31, 2020
Trying
Wednesday, October 28, 2020
Yesterday
Yesterday was the 12th anniversary of the accident and Loughlin's death. I stayed busy most of the day. I couldn't get enough courage to go to the cemetery. I still feel like I am in denial about Harlen dying. Today has been long and hard. Tomorrow is 2 months. Wow! I miss him so much. Harvest is coming to an end and he would be home more now any other year, but there is no sound of his voice. The fog is thickening and I am having a hard time seeing his messages, hearing his heart. Oh God. The holidays are gong to be hell. I heard a friend worrying about Christmas pictures already. I am worried about cooking food and washing clothes. I am sad.................
Friday, October 9, 2020
Another Day
I feel like I accomplished something today. I paid all the late bills. I talked to the painters, My boys helped me install a new fridge and I put my beautiful baby grandson to sleep. Julie brought up spaghetti for dinner. It's still nice to have meals brought in once in a while.
Wednesday, October 7, 2020
Please comment
I haven't been checking my comments for s long time, but i would love to hear your input.
Signs Signs everywhere there are signs.
Sunday, October 4, 2020
Lonely
Lonely but not alone.
Intelligent but not all known
Crazy but not insane
Guilty but who’s to blame?
Sad but still alive,
Shallow dare not to dive.
This life a dream, but a nightmare.
Take another jump don’t be scared.
Hope is a reason to live.
Charity a need to give.
Family is everything that is love.
Looking for guidance from above.
Saturday, October 3, 2020
One
It's funny at the end no one is around.
The house is empty. Nothing makes a sound.
Friday, October 2, 2020
cures
Do you know heartache triggers actual physical pain? It's a crazy thought that the two things this world cannot cure is cancer and heartache.
Both of these have affected my life in the last oh 32 years, perhaps before. My grief is causing physical pain, but people judge you like you are giving up of that you should miraculously just wakeup one day and feel the elephant who is resided on your chest for years is gone? It doesn't work that way, just like cancer can't be wished to go away.
I watched a movie tonight that's whole pretense, is our lives are what we make it. If we want a pony we will get a pony. If we want to be an astronaut boom you are one, of course with a lot of hard work. I started thinking about my life and how when bad things happened, which they did frequently I worked hard to get back in the game, but these trials are getting harder and I am getting exhausted. Any words of wisdom out there in cyberspace? I don't want to feel like this and I don't want to take a bunch of pills and walk around like a zombie.
Thursday, October 1, 2020
The journey
One month out and I still await Harlen's return at night. Nothing feels right. I am so tired all of the time. My shoulders feel like they are carrying the weight of the world, literally. My memory is shot. My cognitive skills are not so great either. i fell last Saturday and tore the cartilage in my ribs which makes laughing, hard and crying even harder. I knew this was going to be hard, but I underestimated the grief. I miss him so very much. The death certificates came in the mail today, 5 just in case I needed that many. Tomorrow could be a better day. I hope it is